Cutter of Coleman-street/Act 1 Scene 5

by Abraham Cowley

Scene 5.

Colonel Jolly, Colonel Cutter, Captain Worm.

Joll.Welcome! Men o' war, what news abroad in Town?

Cut.Brave news I faith, it arriv'd but yesterday by an Irish Priest, that came over in the habit of a Fish-wife, a cunning fellow, and a man o' business, he's to lie Leiger here for a whole Irish College beyond-Sea, and do all their Affairs of State. The Captain spoke with him last night at the Blew Anchor!

Joll.Well, and what is't?

Worm.Why, Business is afloat again; the King has muster'd five and twenty thousand men in Flanders, as tall Fellows as any are in Christendom.

Joll.A pox upon you for a couple of gross Cheats!
I wonder from what fools in what blind corners you get a dinner for this stuff.

Cut.Nay, there's another News that's stranger ye, but for that let the Captain Answer.

Wor.I confess I should ha' thought it very ridiculous, but that I saw it from a good hand beyond Sea, under Black and White, and all in Cypher.

Joll.Oh it cann't miss then; what may it be, pray?

Wor.Why, that the Emperor of Muscovy has promis'd
To land ten thousand Bears in England to
Over-run the Country.

Joll.Oh! that's in revenge of the late barbarous Murder of their brethren here I warrant you!

Cut.Why, Colonel, things will come about again!
We shall have another 'bout for't!

Joll.Why all this to a friend that knows you? where were thy former Bouts, I prethee Cutter? where didst thou ever serve the King, or when?

Cut.Why every where; and the last time at Worcester
If I never serv'd him since, the faults not mine; an there had been any Action———

Joll.At Worcester, Cutter? prethee how got's thou thither?

Cut.Why as you and all other Gentlemen should ha' done; I carri'd him in a Troop of Reformado Officers; most of them had been under my command before!

Joll.I'le be sworn they were Reformado Tapsters then; but prethee how gots thou off?

Cut.Why as the King himself, and all the rest of the great ones; in a disguise; if you'l needs know't.

Wor.He's very cautious, Colonel, h'as kept it ever since.

Joll.That's too long 'ifaith, Cutter, prethee take one disguise now more at last, and put thy self into the habit of a Gentleman.

Cut.I'le answer no more Prethees; Is this the Mornings-draught you sent for me to?

Joll.No, I ha' better news for ye both, than ever ye had from a good Irish hand; the truth is I have a Plot for yee, which if it take, ye Shall no more make monstrous Tales from Bruges to revive your sinking Credits in Loyal Ale-houses, nor inveigle into Taverns young Foremen of the Shop, or little beardless Blades of the Inns of Court, to drink to the Royal Family Parabolically, and with bouncing Oathes like Cannon at every Health; nor upon unlucky failing afternoons take melancholy turns in the Temple Walks, and when you meet acquaintance, cry, You wonder why your Lawyer stays so long with a pox to him.

Wor.This Physick has stirr'd ill humors in the Colonel, would they were once well purg'd, and we a Drinking again lovingly together as we were wont to do.

Joll.Nor make headless quarrels about the Reckoning time, and leave the house in confusion; nor when you go to bed produce ten several snuffs to make up one poor Pipe o' Tobacco!

Cut.Would I had one here now; I ha' n't had my morning Smoak yet, by this day!

Joll.Nor change your names and lodgings as often as a Whore: for as yet if ye liv'd like Tartars in a Cart (as I fear ye must die in one) your home could not be more uncertain. To day at Wapping, and to morrow you appear again upon Mill-bank (like a Duck that Dives at this end of the Pond, and rises unexpectedly at the other) I do not think Pythagoras his Soul e're chang'd so many dwellings as you ha' done within these two years.

Cut.Why, what then, Colonel? Soldiers must remove their Tents sometimes, Alexander the Great did it a thousand times.

Worm.Nine hundred, Cutter, you'r but a Dunce in Story;
But what's all this to th' matter, Noble Colonel?
You run a Wool-gathering like a zealous Teacher;
Where's the use of Consolation that you promis'd us?

Joll.Why thou shalt have it, little Worm, for these
Damn'd Pills begin to make me horrible sick, and are not like to allow of long Digressions; Thus briefly then, as befits a man in my case!
When my brother the Merchant went into Afrique, to follow his great Trade there—

Wor.How o' Devil could he follow it? why he had quite lost his memory; I knew him when he was fain to carry his own Name in Writing about him for fear lest he should forget it.

Joll.Oh his man John, you know, did all, yet still he would go about with old John, and thought if he did Go, he did his business himself; well, when he went he left his Daughter with a Portion o' five thousand pounds to my Tuition, and if she married without my consent, she was to have but a thousand of it. When he was gon two years he dy'd———

Wor.He did a little forget himself me-thinks, when he left the Estate in your hands, Collonel.

Joll.Hold your tongue, Captain Coxcomb; now the case is this; ye shall give me a thousand pounds for my interest and favour in this business, settle the rest upon her, and her children, or me and mine, if she ha' none (d'ee mark me? for I will not have one penny of the Principal pass through such glewy Fingers) upon these terms I'le marry her to one of you; Always provided though, that he whom she shall choose (for she shall have as fair a choice as can be between two such fellows) shall give me good assurances of living afterwards like a Gentleman, as befits her husband, and cast off the t'others company!

Cut.The Conditions may be admitted of, though if I have her, she'l ha' no ill bargain on't when the King comes home; but how, Colonel, if she should prove a foolish fantastical Wench, and refuse to marry either of us?

Joll.Why! then she shall never ha' my consent to marry any body; and she'l be hang'd, I think, first in the Friar's Rope, ere she turn Nun.

Wor.I'l be a Carthusian an she do!

Joll.If't were not for Chastity and Obedience thou mightest be so; their t'other Vow of never carrying any mony about them, thou hast kept from thy youth upwards.

Wor.I'le have her; I'me the better Scholar; and we're both equal Soldiers, I'me sure.

Cut.Thou, Captain Bobadil? what with that Ember-week face o' thine? that Rasor o' thy Nose? thou look'st as if thou hadst never been fed since thou suck'st thy mothers milk. Thy cheeks begin to fall into thy mouth, that thou mightest eat them. Why thou very Lath, with a thing cut like a face at Top, and a slit at bottom. I am a man ha' serv'd my King and Country, a person of Honor, Dogbolt, and a Colonel.

Wor.Yes, as Priests are made now a daies, a Colonel made by thine own self. I must confess thus much o' thy good parts, thou 'rt beholding to no body but thy self for what thou art. Thou a Soldier? Did not I see thee once in a quarrel at Nine-pins behind Sodom-lane disarm'd with one o' the pins? Alas, good Cutter! there's difference, as I take it, betwixt the clattering o' Swords and Quart-pots, the effusion of Blood and Claret-wine—

Cut.(What a Barking little Curr's this?)

Wor.The smoak o' Guns and Tobacco— nor can you, Cutter, fight the better, because you ha' beat an old Bawd or a Drawer; besides, what parts hast thou? Hast thou Scholarship enough to make a Brewers Clark? Canst thou read the Bible? I'me sure thou hast not; canst thou write more than thine own name, and that in such vile Characters, that most men take 'em for Arabian Pot-hooks! Dost thou not live, Cutter, in the Chymærian darkness of Ignorance?

Joll.Cymmerian, Captain, prethee let it be Cymmerian!

Wor.I; I know some will have it so; but by this light I always call't Chymærian!

Cut.O brave Scholar! has the Colonel caught you in false Latin, you dunce you? you'd e'en as good stick to your Captainship; and that you may thank me for, you ingrateful Pimp you, was not I the first that ever call'd you so? and said you had serv'd stoutly in my Regiment at Newberry?

Exit Col. Joll.Joll.Thy Regiment?———well! leave your quarrelling, Baboons, and try your fortunes fairly; I begin to be very very sick, I'le leave you, and send in my Niece to intertain you, upon my life, if you quarrel any more, As great Soldiers as you are, I'le ha' you Cashier'd for ever out o' this Garrison o'mine, look to't.

Wor.Come Cutter, wee'd e'en better play fair play with one another, than lose all to a third. Let's draw Cuts who shall accost her first when she comes in, and the t'other void the room for a little while.

Cutt.Agreed! you may thank the Colonel for comming off so easily; you know well enough I dare not offend him at such a time as this!

[Draw Lots.Wor.The longest first———

Cut.Mine! Od's my life! here she is already!