Cutter of Coleman-street/Act 2 Scene 3

by Abraham Cowley

Scene 3.

Aurelia, Mr. Puny.

Aur.Here comes another of her Servants; a young, rich, fantastical Fop, that would be a Wit, and has got a new way of being so; he scorns to speak any thing that's common, and finds out some impertinent similitude for every thing, The Devil I think can't find out one for him. This Coxcomb has so little Brains too, as to make me the Confident of his Amours, I'le thank him for his Confidence ere I ha' done with him.

Pun:Whose here? O Madam! is your father out of his Metaphorical Grave yet? you understand my meaning, my dear Confident? you'r a Wit!

Aur.Like what, Mr. Puny?

Pun.Why— like—me!

Aur.That's right your way, Mr. Puny, its an odd similitude.

Pun.But where's your father little Queen o' Diamonds? is he extant? I long like a Woman big with Twins to speak with him!

Aur.You can't now possibly, There was never any Creature so sick with a disease as he is with Physick, to day, the Doctor and the 'Pothecarie's with him; and will let no body come in. But, Mr. Puny, I have words o' comfort for you!

Pun.What, my dear Queen o' Sheba! and I have Ophir for thee if thou hast.

Aur.Why your Rival is forbid our house, and has sworn to his father never to see or hear your Mistris more.

Pun.I knew that yesterday as well as I knew my Credo, but I'm the very Jew of Malta if she did not use me since that, worse than I'de use a rotten Apple.

Aur.Why that can't be, Brother Wit, why that were uncivilly done of her!

Pun.O hang her, Queen of Fairies, (I'm all for Queens to day I think) she cares much for that; No, that Assyrian Crocodile Truman is still swimming in her præcordiums, but I'le so ferret him out, I'l beat him as a Bloomsbury Whore beats Hemp; I'l spoil his Grave Dominical Postures; I'l make him sneak, and look like a door off the hinges.

Aur.That's hard! but he deserves it truly, if he strive to Annihilate.

Pun.Why well said, Sister Wit, now thou speak'st oddly too!

Aur.Well, without wit or foolery, Mr. Puny, what will you give me, if this night, this very improbable night, I make you Marry my Cousin Lucia?

Pun.Thou talk'st like Medusa's head, thou astonishest me.

Aur.Well, in plain language as befits a Bargain; there's Pen and Inck in the next Chamber, give but a Bill under your hand to pay me five hundred pounds in Gold (upon forfeiture of a thousand if you fail) within an hour after the business is done, and I'l be bound Body for Body my Cousin Lucia shall be your Wife this night; if I deceive you, your Bond will do you no hurt, if, I do not, consider a little before-hand, whether the Work deserves the Reward, and do as you think fit.

Pun.There shall be no more considering than in a Hasty Pudding; I'l write it an' you will, in Short-hand, to dispatch immediately, and presently go put five hundred Mari-golds in a purse for you, Come away like an Arrow out of a Scythian Bow.

[Exeunt.Aur.I'l do your business for you, I'l warrant you; Allons Mon-Cher.