Lapsus Calami (Apr 1891)/Of T. G.

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Sincere Flattery of T. G.

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This Thomas Gray parody was originally published under the title "Lines on a Recent Event at Eton College" in the Pall Mall Gazette, 17 November 1882. The "Recent Event" referred to was James Leigh Joynes' forced resignation from his post at Eton for writing a book about his travels in Ireland, including his mistaken arrest ("They snatched a fearful Joynes") by the Irish authorities.

1788478Lapsus Calami — Sincere Flattery of T. G.James Kenneth Stephen

V. Of T. G.

Ode on a retrospect of Eton College.

Ye bigot spires, ye Tory towers,That crown the watery lea,Where grateful science still adoresThe aristocracy:A happy usher once I strayedBeneath your lofty elm trees' shade,With mind untouched by guilt or woe:But mad ambition made me strayBeyond the round of work and playWherein we ought to go.

My office was to teach the youngIdea how to shoot:But, ah! I joined with eager tonguePolitical dispute:I ventured humbly to suggestThat all things were not for the bestAmong the Irish peasantry:And finding all the world abuseMy simple unpretending views,I thought I'd go and see.

I boldly left the College bounds:Across the sea I went, To probe the economic groundsOf Irish discontent.My constant goings to and froExcited some alarm; and soPolicemen girded up their loins,And, from his innocent pursuits,—Morose unsympathetic brutes,—They snatched a fearful Joynes.

Escaped, I speedily returnedTo teach the boys again:But ah, my spirit inly burnedTo think on Ireland's pain.Such wrongs must out: and then, you see,My own adventures might not beUninteresting to my friends:I therefore ventured to prepareA little book, designed with care,To serve these humble ends.

Our stern head-master spoke to meSeverely:—"You appear"(Horresco referens) to be"A party pamphleteer."If you must write, let Caesar's page"Or Vergil's poetry engage"Your all too numerous leisure hours:"But now annihilate and quash"This impious philanthropic bosh:"Or quit these antique towers."

It seems that he who dares to writeIs all unfit to teach:And literary fame is quiteBeyond an usher's reach.I dared imprisonment in vain:The little bantling of my brainI am compelled to sacrifice.The moral, after all, is this:—That here, where ignorance is bliss,'Tis folly to be wise.

Pall Mall Gazette, Nov. 17, 1882.