More Nonsense Pictures, Rhymes, Botany, etc./One Hundred Nonsense Pictures and Rhymes

by Edward Lear

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ONE HUNDRED NONSENSE PICTURES AND RHYMES.

 

There was an old person of Pisa,
Whose daughters did nothing to please her;
She dressed them in gray, and banged them all day,
Round the walls of the city of Pisa.

There was an old person of Sheen,
Whose expression was calm and serene;
He sate in the water, and drank bottled porter,
That placid old person of Sheen.

There was an old person of Cassel,
Whose nose finished off in a tassel;
But they call’d out, “Oh well!—don’t it look like a bell!”
Which perplexed that old person of Cassel.

There is a young lady, whose nose,
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight, she exclaimed in a fright,
“Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!”

There was an old man who screamed out
Whenever they knocked him about;
So they took off his boots, And fed him with fruits,
And continued to knock him about.

There was a young person of Janina,
Whose uncle was always a fanning her;
When he fanned off her head, she smiled sweetly, and said,
“You propitious old person of Janina!”

There was a young person in pink,
Who called out for something to drink;
But they said, “O my daughter, There’s nothing but water!”
Which vexed that young person in pink.

The Kicking Kangaroo,
who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress
with Blue spots.

There was an old man of Three Bridges,
Whose mind was distracted by midges,
He sate on a wheel, eating underdone veal,
Which relieved that old man of Three Bridges.

There was an old person of Blythe,
Who cut up his meat with a scythe;
When they said, “Well! I never!”—he cried, “Scythes for ever!”
That lively old person of Blythe.

There was an old person in gray,
Whose feelings were tinged with dismay;
She purchased two parrots, and fed them with carrots,
Which pleased that old person in gray.

There was an old person of Fife,
Who was greatly disgusted with life;
They sang him a ballad, And fed him on salad,
Which cured that old person of Fife.

There was an old person of Jodd,
Whose ways were perplexing and odd;
She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle,
And squeaked to the people of Jodd.

There was an old person of Dean
Who dined on one pea, and one bean;
For he said, “More than that, would make me too fat,”
That cautious old person of Dean.

There was an old person of Minety,
Who purchased five hundred and ninety
Large apples and pears, which he threw unawares,
At the heads of the people of Minety.

The Excellent Double-extra XX
imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a
long while ago.

There was an old person of Wilts,
Who constantly walked upon stilts;
He wreathed them with lilies, and daffy-down-dillies,
That elegant person of Wilts.

There was an old person of Barnes,
Whose garments were covered with darns;
But they said, “Without doubt, you will soon wear them out,
You luminous person of Barnes!”

There was an old man of Ibreem,
Who suddenly threaten’d to scream:
But they said, “If you do, we will thump you quite blue,
You disgusting old man of Ibreem!”

There was an old man of Thames Ditton,
Who called out for something to sit on;
But they brought him a hat, and said—“Sit upon that,
You abruptious old man of Thames Ditton!”

There was an old person of Newry,
Whose manners were tinctured with fury;
He tore all the rugs, and broke all the jugs,
Within twenty miles’ distance of Newry.

There was an old man in a garden,
Who always begged every-one’s pardon;
When they asked him, “What for?”—He replied “You’re a bore!
And I trust you’ll go out of my garden.”

There was an old person of Filey,
Of whom his acquaintance spoke highly;
He danced perfectly well, to the sound of a bell,
And delighted the people of Filey.

There was an old man in a barge,
Whose nose was exceedingly large;
But in fishing by night, It supported a light,
Which helped that old man in a barge.

There was an old person of Loo,
Who said, “What on earth shall I do?”
When they said, “Go away!”—she continued to stay,
That vexatious old person of Loo.

There was an old man of Thermopylæ,
Who never did anything properly;
But they said, “If you choose, To boil eggs in your shoes,
You shall never remain in Thermopylæ,”

There was an old person of Putney,
Whose food was roast spiders and chutney,
Which he took with his tea, within sight of the sea,
That romantic old person of Putney.

There was an old person of Woking,
Whose mind was perverse and provoking;
He sate on a rail, with his head in a pail,
That illusive old person of Woking.

There was an old person of Slough,
Who danced at the end of a bough;
But they said, “If you sneeze, You might damage the trees,
You imprudent old person of Slough.”

There was an old person of Bray,
Who sang through the whole of the day
To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs,
That valuable person of Bray.

There was an old man whose remorse,
Induced him to drink Caper Sauce;
For they said, “If mixed up, with some cold claret-cup,
It will certainly soothe your remorse!”

There was an old man at a Station,
Who made a promiscuous oration;
But they said, “Take some snuff!—You have talk’d quite enough.
You afflicting old man at a Station!”

There was a young person whose history,
Was always considered a mystery;
She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which,
And composed a small treatise on history.

There was an old Lady of Winchelsea,
Who said, “If you needle or pin shall see,
On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!”
—That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea!

There was an old person of Down,
Whose face was adorned with a frown;
When he opened the door, for one minute or more,
He alarmed all the people of Down.

There was an old person of Bude,
Whose deportment was vicious and crude;
He wore a large ruff, of pale straw-colored stuff,
Which perplexed all the people of Bude,

There was an old man on the Humber,
Who dined on a cake of Burnt Uumber;
When he said—“It’s enough!”—They only said, “Stuff!
You amazing old man on the Humber!”

There was an old man of Dee-side
Whose hat was exceedingly wide,
But he said “Do not fail, If it happen to hail
To come under my hat at Dee-side!”

There was an old person of Shields,
Who frequented the vallies and fields;
All the mice and the cats, And the snakes and the rats,
Followed after that person of Shields,

The Absolutely Abstemious Ass,
who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on
Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers.

There was an old person of Ealing,
Who was wholly devoid of good feeling;
He drove a small gig, with three Owls and a Pig,
Which distressed all the people of Ealing.

There was a young person in green,
Who seldom was fit to be seen;
She wore a long shawl, over bonnet and all,
Which envelloped that person in green.

There was an old person of Pinner,
As thin as a lath, if not thinner;
They dressed him in white, and roll’d him up tight,
That elastic old person of Pinner.

There was a young person of Kew,
Whose virtues and vices were few;
But with blameable haste, she devoured some hot paste,
Which destroyed that young person of Kew.

There was an old person of Sestri,
Who sate himself down in the vestry,
When they said “You are wrong!”—he merely said “Bong!”
That repulsive old person of Sestri.

There was an old man of Port Grigor,
Whose actions were noted for vigour;
He stood on his head, till his waistcoat turned red,
That eclectic old man of Port Grigor.

The Enthusiastic Elephant,
who ferried himself across the water with the
Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings.

There was an old person of Wick,
Who said, “Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick;
Chickabee, Chickabaw.” And he said nothing more,
That laconic old person of Wick.

There was an old man of Toulouse
Who purchased a new pair of shoes;
When they asked, “Are they pleasant?”—He said, “Not at present!”
That turbid old man of Toulouse.

There was an old man on the Border,
Who lived in the utmost disorder:
He danced with the cat, and made tea in his hat,
Which vexed all the folks on the Border.

There was an old man of Spithead,
Who opened the window, and said,—
“Fil-jomble, fil-jumble, Fil-rumble-come-tumble!”
That doubtful old man of Spithead.

There was a young lady of Firle,
Whose hair was addicted to curl;
It curled up a tree, and all over the sea,
That expansive young lady of Firle.

There was an old man, who when little
Fell casually into a kettle;
But, growing too stout, He could never get out,
So he passed all his life in that kettle.

There was a young person of Bantry,
Who frequently slept in the pantry;
When disturbed by the mice, She appeased them with rice
That judicious young person of Bantry.

There was a young lady of Corsica,
Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur;
Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam,
That expensive young lady of Corsica.

There was an old person of Sark,
Who made an unpleasant remark;
But they said, “Don’t you see what a brute you must be!”
You obnoxious old person of Sark.

The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker,
whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was
always covered by his Umbrella.

The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,
whose Head was ever so much bigger than his
Body, and whose Hat was rather small.

There was an old person of China,
Whose daughters were Jiska and Dinah,
Amelia and Fluffy, Olivia and Chuffy,
And all of them settled in China.

There was a young lady in blue,
Who said, “Is it you? Is it you?”
When they said, “Yes, it is,”—She replied only, “Whizz!”
That ungracious young lady in blue.

There was an old person of Rimini,
Who said, “Gracious! Goodness! O Gimini!”
When they said, “Please be still!’’ she ran down a hill,
And was never more heard of at Rimini.

There was an old man of West Dumpet,
Who possessed a large nose like a trumpet;
When he blew it aloud, it astonished the crowd,
And was heard through the whole of West Dumpet.

There was an old person of Deal,
Who in walking, used only his heel;
When they said, “Tell us why?”—He made no reply;
That mysterious old person of Deal.

There was an old man of the Dargle
Who purchased six barrels of Gargle;
For he said, “I’ll sit still, And will roll them down hill,
For the fish in the depths of the Dargle.”

There was an Old Man at a Junction,
Whose feelings were wrung with compunction,
When they said “The Train’s gone!” He exclaimed “How forlorn!’’
But remained on the rails of the Junction.

There was an old person of Shoreham,
Whose habits were marked by decorum;
He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar,
Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.

There was an old person of Brigg,
Who purchased no end of a wig;
So that only his nose, and the end of his toes,
Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.

There was an old man of Hong Kong,
Who never did anything wrong;
He lay on his back, with his head in a sack,
That innocuous old man of Hong Kong.

There was an old person of Bar
Who passed all her life in a jar,
Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene,
That placid old person of Bar.

There was an old man of Messina,
Whose daughter was named Opsibeena;
She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig,
To the perfect delight of Messina.

There was an old man of Dumblane,
Who greatly resembled a crane;
But they said,—“Is it wrong, since your legs are so long,
To request you won't stay in Dumblane?”

There was an old person of Bromley,
Whose ways were not cheerful or comely;
He sate in the dust, eating spiders and crust,
That unpleasing old person of Bromley.

There was an old person of Pett,
Who was partly consumed by regret;
He sate in a cart, and ate cold apple tart,
Which relieved that old person of Pett.

There was a young person of Ayr,
Whose head was remarkably square:
On the top, in fine weather, she wore a gold feather;
Which dazzled the people of Ayr.

There was an old person of Stroud,
Who was horribly jammed in a crowd;
Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick,
That impulsive old person of Stroud,

There was an old person of Bow,
Whom nobody happened to know;
So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, “We hope
You will go back directly to Bow!”

The Comfortable Confidential Cow,
who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and
toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire.

There was an old man of Blackheath,
Whose head was adorned with a wreath,
Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice,
That uncommon old man of Blackheath,

The Melodious Meritorious Mouse,
who played a merry minuet on the
Piano-forte.

The Nutritious Newt,
who purchased a Round Plum-pudding
for his grand-daughter.

The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise,
who beat a Drum all day long in the
middle of the wilderness.

The Zigzag Zealous Zebra,
who carried five Monkeys on his back all
the way to Jellibolee.

There was an old person of Grange,
Whose manners were scroobious and strange;
He sailed to St. Blubb, in a waterproof tub,
That aquatic old person of Grange.

There was an old person of Brill,
Who purchased a shirt with a frill;
But they said, “Don’t you wish, you may'nt look like a fish,
You obsequious old person of Brill?”

The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich,
who wore Boots to keep his
feet quite dry.

There was an old person of Ware,
Who rode on the back of a bear:
When they ask’d,—“Does it trot?— he said “Certainly not!
He’s a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear!

There was an old person of Ickley,
Who could not abide to ride quickly,
He rode to Karnak, on a tortoise’s back,
That moony old person of Ickley,

There was a young lady of Greenwich,
Whose garments were border’d with Spinach;
But a large spotty Calf, bit her shawl quite in half,
Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich.

There was a young person in red,
Who carefully covered her head,
With a bonnet of leather, and three lines of feather,
Besides some long ribands of red.

The Scroobious Snake,
who always wore a Hat on his Head, for
fear he should bite anybody.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air, pluck’d them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests in that tree.

The Visibly Vicious Vulture,
who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a
Volume bound in Vellum.

There was an old man whose despair
Induced him to purchase a hare:
Whereon one fine day, he rode wholly away,
Which partly assuaged his despair.

There was an old person of Hyde,
Who walked by the shore with his bride,
Till a Crab who came near, fill’d their bosoms with fear,
And they said, “Would we’d never left Hyde!”

The Inventive Indian,
who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a
Stupendous Silver Spoon.

There was an old person in black,
A Grasshopper jumped on his back;
When it chirped in his ear, He was smitten with fear,
That helpless old person in black.

There was an old man of Boulak,
Who sate on a Crocodile’s back;
But they said, “Towr’ds the night, he may probably bite,
Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!”

There was an old man in a Marsh,
Whose manners were futile and harsh;
He sate on a log, and sang songs to a frog,
That instructive old man in a Marsh.