A Gallery of Children/Chapter 3

by Alan Alexander Milne

THE TWINS

THEY are twins, and their names are William and Wilhelmina Good. When Mr. Good was told about them, he lit a cigar, and said, "I shall call the boy William—after myself;" and then he thought for a long time, and said, "And I shall call the girl Wilhelmina—after her brother." He threw his cigar away, and went and told Mrs. Good, who had wanted to call them John and Jane. Mrs. Good said, "Very well, dear, but I don't like the name of William, and I shall call my dear little boy Billy for short." And Mr. Good said, "Certainly, my love, but if it comes to that, I don't much care about the name of Wilhelmina, not for shouting up the stairs with, so my dear little girl had better be called Billy, too." Mrs. Good said, "Very well, dear, but won't it be rather confusing?" And Mr. Good said, "No, dear, not to people of any intelligence;" and he took out his watch at the end of its chain, and swung it round and round and round, and looked at it, and said, "My watch is a fortnight fast," and put it back in his pocket, and returned to his library.

The twins grew up, and they were so like each other that nobody knew which was which. Of course they ought to have had their names on their vests—William Good, Wilhelmina Good—but Nurse made a mistake about this. She bought the tape and marking ink, and she wrote the names, and she stitched them on; and, when all the vests were marked, she showed them proudly to Mrs. Good. And then it was discovered that by an accident she had marked them all "Billy Good." When Mr. Good was told about this, he lit a cigar, and said, "Have people no intelligence at all? Next year, when they have grown out of these vests, I will mark the new ones myself." So next year he marked them all, in very neat printing, W. Good.

Luckily by this time Wilhelmina's hair had begun to curl. Every night Nurse spent ten minutes with a wet comb, combing it round her finger. William's hair curled naturally, too, but not so naturally as this, and in a little while you could tell at once which was Wilhelmina and which wasn't. If you will look at the picture, you will see how right I am about this. Mr. Good always says that he and I are the only people of any real intelligence left in the world . . . and that I am not what I was. However, I do my best; and I know I am right about this. The one with the curly hair is Wilhelmina.

One night when they were fast-asleep-like-good-children, Wilhelmina said:

"I'm very clever, I can hear in the dark I'm so clever."

"I'm as clever as anything," said William. "I'm too clever."

"I can hear snails breathing," said Wilhelmina.

"I can hear snails not breathing," said William.

Wilhelmina thought again.

"I can hear somebody out of the window calling Billy," she said.

"I told him to do it," said William.

"I'm going to see what he wants," said Wilhelmina . . .

"Yes, I am," said Wilhelmina . . .

"Shall I?" said Wilhelmina . . .

"I think he meant you," said Wilhelmina.

"He meant you," said William. "He says it in a different sort of voice when he means me."

"You're afraid to go," said Wilhelmina.

"I'm not afraid, but he gets very angry when the wrong person goes."

"He has a long red cap with a tassel on it," said Wilhelmina.

"He has a long beard and green stockings," said William.

"I'm going to see him," said Wilhelmina firmly.

"So am I going to see him."

"I'll go if you'll go."

"I'll go if you'll go."

"Let's both go."

"Yes, let's both go."

Very unwillingly they got out of bed, and stood, hand in hand, on the nursery floor.

"I can't hear him now," said Wilhelmina hopefully.

"Nor can I can't hear him," said William at once.

"Yes, I can," said Wilhelmina unexpectedly, "because I'm so clever I hear so well."

"So can I," said William quickly.

They moved a little closer to the window.

"Does he get very angry if it's the wrong person?" asked Wilhelmina.

"He doesn't know, because his face is turned the wrong way round, so he's never quite sure."

"I knew his face was the wrong way round," said Wilhelmina hurriedly, "but I thought perhaps he had an Ooglie man with him to tell him."

William wondered anxiously what an Ooglie man was. So did Wilhelmina.

"No," said William. "He hasn't. Not this one."

"I'm not afraid," said both together. Tremblingly they pushed open the window, and leant out . . .