A New Riddle Book/Merry Tales and Comical Jests
Here follow merry Tales and comical Jeſts
IN the reign of Queen Elizabeth, the County of Lancaſter was much peſtered with witches, whereupon the queen ſent her judges down to try them. This being reſolved to try the old men and women whether or no they were witches. Now one, among many, was a poor man, who having a ſort of wart on his ſide, doubted that he was a witch; therefore he deſired his wife to let him go to the place, which was about thirty miles, there to be reſolved (illegible text) his doubt. His wife, being a very civil woman, gave him leave. Now after long travel, coming to the court, which was then ſiting, he ruſhed in amongſt them, and the cryer of the court obſerving it, demanded ſilence, and bid him give an account to the court of what he had to ſay. Marry, quoth he, they ſay theſe gentlemen can tell one whether a body be a witch or no, having a wart on my ſide, I am afraid I am ſo; I pray (illegible text)u'd reſolve me. The cryer perceiving his ignorance, ſaid, alas! man, thou art no witch: thou lookeſt more like a cuckold than a witch. Then making a leg to the court, he gave them thanks, and ſo returned home chearfully. His wife, meeting him at the town's end, ſaid Huſband, art thou a witch or no? No, wife, they tell me I look more like a cuckold. Huſband, ſay (illegible text)ey ſo, we will have them taken up for witches, for unleſs they were witches they could not tell that you was a cuckold.
A young woman being alone, a gentleman came into her company, who, after a friendly ſalutation, aſked how her huſband did. She ſaid, He is as croſs and unkind to me as ever man was to a wife; ſo that have but little comfort in his converſation alas! quoth he, why do not you make him a cuckold? She ſmiling ſaid, Sir, I cannot but you may.
A Welchman meeting with a bonny Scot began to brag of hur wonderful adventures and long travels. The Scot replied, what have you learned in far countries? the Welchman ſaid, hur has learned to ſtop three holes with one peg? the Scotchman replied, this is a pretty trick; how is it to be done? why quoth the Welchman, put his noſe in my arſe, and then there will be three holes ſtopt with one peg.
An old woman in a country village had been ſuch a wonderful cracker of nuts all her life-time, that at her death ſhe willed, that a bag of nuts might be put in her coffin to lay her head upon, which was accordingly done; and the old woman was often ſeen after her death ſitting in the church-porch cracking nuts. Now it happpened that a couple of butchers had made a bargain to ſteal ſheep out of a paſture ground adjoining to the church-yard: It was agreed upon between them, that one ſhould ſit in the church-porch and watch, while the other fetched ſheep on his back to him. It is to be noted that the ſexton was a lame man, and uſed to be carried on a man's back every winter morning to ring the five o'clock bell. Coming as uſual, the butcher waiting for his companion, thought he had been coming with a ſheep upon his back, and ſaid, Is it fat? Is it fat? the fellow, thinking it had been the old woman cracking nuts, was horribly frightened, and thereupon he threw the lame ſexton down, crying Fat or lean, take him as he is, Mr. Devil; and then ran out of the church yard like a fellow diſtracted, leaving the poor afrighted ſexton to crawl home upon all fours.
A country man having one ſon, named Jack, an unlucky boy, his father one day was about to chaſtiſe him for his wickedneſs; but Jack, getting from him by the help of a (illegible text)ght pair of heels, turned about and cried out, you old ſheepſtealer. I can hang you if (illegible text) will. His father continued to call him; but he ſaid I will not come, you will beat me. (illegible text) coming by, ſaid, Jack go to your father, and he will not beat you. Truſt him and hang him, quoth Jack. The neighbour calling to his father ſaid, you will not beat him if he comes quickly? No, quoth he, I will not. Jack cried out aloud, Gaffer, hear him, for he will ſwear like any dog. at which the neighbour went away laughing, &c. and left Jack and his father to fight it out fairly.
A citizen that was more tender to himſelf than his wife, uſually in cold weather made her go to bed firſt, and when her fat buttocks had ſufficiently warmed his place, he came and removed her out of it, and lay in it himſelf; and to make himſelf merry, called her his warming-pan. She not being able to endure this indignity any longer, one night (Sir Reverence) beſhit the bed. He ridded into it, and finding himſelf in a ſtinking condition, cried out, wife, I am beſhit! No, huſband, ſays ſhe, it is only a coal dropt out of the warming-pan.
A young gentleman, late of the country, having more wit than money, and not paying his chamber, ſtudy, or commons, was indebted to the houſe; and it was thereupon ordered that his chamber ſhould be ſeized. He hearing thereof, cried, I'll remedy that I am reſolved, and ſo preſently went and took the chamber-door off the hinges, and locked it up in his cloſet. The officers coming to fix a padlock thereon, found themſelves diſappointed; and ſearching the room found not any thing worth their seizure.
Of Riddles, Jokes, and Tales,
Which may creat a chearful look,
When other method fails.
FINIS.