A Treatise concerning the Use and Abuse of the Marriage Bed/Chapter 8
CHAP. VIII.
HE Contract between a Man and Woman, which we call the Marriage Covenant, is mutual and reciprocal, the Obligations on either Side are equal, and the Weights they carry with them is equally obligatory. What Inequalities there are in the coming together, ought to be considered before-hand; and the want of considering those Inequalities before-hand, is that of which I complain: These Inequalities, in some measure, destroy the End of Matrimony; and if they do not make it void, yet they rob the Parties of the social Comfort of a married Life; and some indeed entirely destroy those Comforts themselves.
If any Man shall tell me, those Inequalities may be made up by prudent Conduct on both Sides; that no Man must expect a Life of perfect suitability; that Tempers, Opinions, Passions, Desires, Aversions, Ends and Aims, should all agree; and, above all, that even where they clash and disagree, yet there is no absolute necessity that they should interrupt the felicity of Life, make Matrimony a kind of Damnation, the House a Bedlam, and the Conversation a Hell, a State of Strife, Rage, Fury, and eternal Contention. All this I grant.
But if they shall add, that therefore these things are Trifles, are of no Moment; that they are not worth interrupting the other Views of Matrimony, and that they are to be referred to after Discretion on both Sides. He that shall talk thus seriously, all I can say to him is, I am sorry for his Head. It is true, that Prudence will go a great Way towards reconciling unsuitable Things; and Christians will learn by the Christian Law to abate on both Sides, forbearing one another in love.
Nay, I'll go farther: Continual Jarrings in Families sometimes find a Time of Truce, and the Husband and Wife, like two Combatants, wearied with Blows, lie still and take Breath. But alas, what is this! 'tis but to recover Strength for a more furious Rencounter; the lucid Intervals being over, the Fire rekindles; the Passions break out and burn with the more Force, the Rage is redoubled; and we may say of such, as the Scripture says in another Case, The last End of those Families is worse than the Beginning.
The Inequalities then, and unsuitable Things from whence these Feuds take life, and are kindled up to a Flame, are far from Trifles; the Fire of houshold Strife burns to the lowest Hell; 'tis an unquenchable Flame, 'tis kindled in Trifles; that may be, and is often true. But those Trifles set the Fire, and nothing but a Wisdom, more than is generally to be found in human Nature, can extinguish it.
These unsuitable Things then, ought with the utmost Precaution, to be guarded against, search'd for, shunned and avoided, in our first Thoughts about Matrimony; especially if we have any Views of Felicity in a married State. For here all future Unhappinesses of married Mortals begin.
Take it Matrimonially, take it as it is a Partnership, for Matrimony it self is but a Partnership; though 'tis not a Partnership in Trade, 'tis what is ten thousand times more solemn, 'tis a Partnership in Life, a Partnership of Souls, they are embarked in the same Ship, they go the same Voyage, and, give me leave to say, they swim, they sink, they are happy, they are miserable, they are poor, they are rich, just as they agree, or not agree; Love or Hate, are united or not united; they go on hand in hand, and have but one Fate, they rise and fall, are blest or curs'd, nay, I believe I might add, (with but few Exceptions) they are saved or damned together.
Nor let this be censured for such an extravagant Expression as it may seem at first Sight, for if it be a necessary Consequence of Family Disorders, that the Passions are in a general Disorder on both Sides, by mutual Provocations. (And how is it possible to be otherwise.) How then can it be, but that they must Sin together, must provoke one another to all those Offences which naturally attend an enraged Mind, an envenom'd Spirit, and a Soul imbitter'd by outrageous Usage.
Hence proceed vile and provoking Words, bitter and cutting Reproaches, undue and indecent Reflections, horrid Wishes, Imprecations, Railing and Cursing; till, in short, they push one another on to the Gates of Hell, and need no Devil but their own ungoverned Rage, to thrust them in.
All this, and more, if more can be thought of, is the Product of Inequalities in Matrimony, unsuitable Matches, a joyning Things together that will not, and cannot joyn; as I said, they may be tyed together, but cannot be joyned, joyned but cannot be united. Such Marriages are to me little less than a Sentence of Condemnation to a perpetual State of Misery. The Man or Woman thus married, is sentenced as the Romans sentenced Nero to die, More Majorum, that was, to have his Head put into a Collar of Iron, or kind of Pillory, and to be scourged to Death; they are condemned to be tyed together, and to be worry'd to Death.
To marry two Persons together that are of contrary Dispositions, unsuitable Tempers, disproportioned Years, and the like, is like the Way of punishing Malefactors in Persia, viz. tying the living Body to a dead Corpse, till the rotting Carcass poisoned the living, and then they rotted together.
Let those then that esteem those Inequalities to be Trifles, and that think the hazard nothing but what may be ventured upon; let them, I say, rush on like the Horse into the Battle: But let them remember 'tis with Solomon's Fool, Tanquam Boves, like an Ox to the Slaughter, and knows not that it is for his Life.
Household Strife is a terrestrial Hell, at least, 'tis an Emblem of real Hell; 'tis a Life of Torment, and without Redemption. Matrimony is an irreversible Decree; 'tis a Grave from whence there is no return; nothing but the King of Terrors can open the Jayl; and 'tis then but an even lay between the Man and his Wife, who goes out first; and if when the Jaylor comes, the Devil comes with him, 'tis but one to one who he calls for, nay, if they have lived the Life I speak of, as is very probable, they may even do what they never did, that is to say, agree for a Moment, and go together.
What then can the Man or Woman be said to be doing, that ventures upon Matrimony without studiously considering and consulting the Suitabilities that offer in the Case, without sitting down and judging sedately, at least from what is apparent, what may probably be the Case afterwards? If they are sensible of their own Infirmities, let them calculate for themselves, as doubtless any Man or Woman might do, what will be their Case: As every one that looks into his own Conscience may, if he will be impartial to himself, make a Judgment of his eternal State, so every one that will look into their own Temper, and impartially compare it with the Circumstances and Disposition of the Person they are to be married to, may make a tolerable Judgment of what their Condition will be after Marriage; and accordingly they may and ought to venture, or not to venture: A venture it is at best, because after you have done your utmost, you may be mistaken, may be deceived, and, after the utmost Caution, some unsuitable Things must be expected: You must expect Difficulties, and to have many Things to struggle with, an Exercise for all your Virtue, all your Self-denial, all your Temper; as long as Flesh and Blood is a Composition of Contraries and inconsistent Humours, there will be something always left to try your Patience, to try your Christianity, and which, being considered, makes it the more needful to use the utmost Precaution in the Choice.
I am not going to give Directions here how to search into these unsuitable Things, how to judge of them, and how to distinguish Tempers; that would be a Work too voluminous for this Place: But one general Caution may, for ought I know, if well followed, be as good as a hundred Sheets of Paper filled with Words of less Signification. The Caution is short, and easy to be understood; whether it be easy to be put in Practice or no, that you must judge from your selves. It is, in few Words, this: Study well your own Temper first.
How shall any Man or Woman know whether the Temper of the Woman or Man they are about to marry be suitable to them, and may concur to their future Felicity, if they do not first know their own? I remember a Gentleman of Quality and Fortune who courted a Lady a long while, and their Fortunes and all other Circumstances agreeing, they were at last married; while the Matrimony was depending, he happened to be talking with another Gentleman, who was his Intimate, and who knew the Lady; and he was congratulating himself, if I may be allowed such an Expression, upon the good Prospect of his Affairs, and the Felicity which he promised himself in his Match; the Fortune, the Wit, the Beauty, the good Humour of the Lady he was Courting; to all which the other Gentleman gave the Assent of his own Opinion, from a long Acquaintance in the Lady's Family, and with her Person.
But, after all, says the Gentleman who courted this Lady, there's one main Thing remains which I cannot come at; and upon which almost all the rest depends.
What can that be, says the other Gentleman; I think there's nothing in the Lady but what may make any Gentleman happy.
Why, says the first Gentleman, I cannot learn any thing of her Temper.
O, says the other, she is of a very good Temper.
Ay, says the first, when she is Pleas'd, so, they say, is somebody else; but I want to see her Angry. Pray, did you ever see her Angry?
Yes, I have seen her Angry too, says his Friend.
Well, and how was she then, says he. Is she a furious little Devil when she's provoked?
Nay, says his Friend, that's according as the Provocation is. Every Body is subject to Provocation, and all People have Passions.
Ay, says the courting Gentleman, but is she not apt to be angry, soon provoked, a little Pot soon hot.
Why, says his Friend, if she were, she is soon cold again, that I can assure you, and the good Humour returns again immediately.
Well, says the first, with a Sigh, pray God she be not a passionate Creature, for if she is, we shall be the unhappiest Couple that ever came together.
Why so, says his Friend.
Why, says the first Gentleman, because I know my own Temper too.
Your own Temper, says his Friend; why, what is your own Temper? I see nothing in your Temper but what the Lady may be very happy in.
It may be you don't, says the Gentleman, but I do; I tell you, I am a passionate fiery Dog, and I can't help it; a Word awry, the least unkind or provoking sets me all in a Flame immediately, like the Linestock to the Cannon; I fire off as soon as I am touch'd, and make a Devilish noise.
You jest with your self, says his Friend; but I don't take you to be so bad as you represent your self.
That's because you don't know me so well as I know my self, says the Gentleman.
Well, well, says his Friend, if you are hot together, you will cool together.
That's small satisfaction to me, says the Gentleman, because I can't promise it of my Side.
But I'll promise you on her Side, says his Friend, that one kind Word will cool her again immediately, and then she's all Goodness and Sweetness in a Moment.
Ay, so a Word or two will cool me, says the Gentleman. But who will yield to give the cooling Word first, there's the Difficulty.
Why you must, says his Friend, 'tis your Place; 'tis the Man's Place you know, always to submit to his Wife.
I can't answer for my self, says he, I know I am apt to be very hot.
And what will you do then? says his Friend; you should have considered this before.
Nay, says he, I must venture now, 'tis too late to go back.
So, upon the whole, they did venture, and two Pieces of Wild-fire they were; and, in a very few Months after their Marriage, the Effects of it appeared in a manner hardly fit to be repeated; and all this only, because when it was consulted and discoursed about, it was too late to go back, so that, in a word, the Gentleman had as good not have considered it at all; for considering after 'tis done, is no considering.
It is remarkable, however, in the Discourse above, that the Gentleman's Concern about the Temper of the Lady he was going to marry, was occasioned chiefly from a conscious Knowledge of his own; and this was the Reason of my telling his Story. For if we would make a right Judgment of our own Disposition first, we should the sooner see whether we should be suitably match'd to the Person propos'd; it is not indeed the easiest thing in the World to know the Humour and Disposition of one another, especially not in a Month or two, of a courting Conversation; yet as all Judgment of that kind should take its Rise from the Knowledge of our own Disposition first, it becomes every one to study well their own Temper, and to learn to judge impartially of themselves, which, by the Way, is not the easiest Thing in the World to do.
You may know whether you are of a complying, yielding, abating Temper or no; whether you can bear Provocations, and make no return till the Heat is over, and then admonish Calmly; or whether you are full of Resentment, Furious, apt to take Fire, and long a quenching; whether you are Rough or Smooth, Tender or Harsh; in a word, whether your Temper is fit for another to bear, or able to bear with another as unfit to be born with as your own: From our own Tempers thus impartially judged of, we might very often, I do not say always, determine and choose for our selves with Success.
But now, to bring this down to the Case before me. What must we say of that Matrimony, which is concluded in spite of all the Knowledge and Discovery, either of the other Persons Temper, or of our own? That is carried on by Appetite, by the Gust of Inclination, by a View of the Outside only, without consulting any thing but the Face; without inquiring into the Qualifications, the Temper, the Humour, the Capacities, or any of the Decorations of the Mind. What is all this but a meer vitiated Desire, a Corruption, and, I may say, a depravity of the Judgment, without Sense of Virtue, or value for the Accomplishments of the Soul; in a word, what is it but a Matrimonial Whoredom?
And what are the Consequences? And how do these Consequences prove the thing? namely, that when the corrupted Gust is satiated, when the first Heats are over, and Souls begin to converse together, then they begin to Repent and Repine, they see an End of their Happiness just where other People find the Beginning of theirs. In a word, the Man and the Woman remains, but the Husband and Wife are loft; the Conjunction holds, but the Union is lost; the Marriage is fixed and fast, but the Matrimony is gone, in a word, there's the Whoredom without the Matrimony, the vitious Part without the virtuous, the humid without the sublime; there's the married Couple without their Souls; their Affections are no more united than the Poles, and like the living and the dead Body I mentioned just now, they are only Bound to one another, that at last they may Rot together.
Horrid Matrimony! horrid discording Tempers, raging Passions, outrageous Words, hot fiery Breakings out of ill-natured, bitter and scandalous Reflections; these sum up the Family Conversation between them: These form the Felicity that they have to expect: These are the Productions of hot-headed, unsuitable Wedlock; of marrying without Thought, taking a Woman purely for a Woman, or a Man meerly to have a Man; in a word, such marrying is, in my Sense, no better or worse than a Matrimonial Whoredom.
Now, as I said in the Beginning of this Chapter, the Obligations of the Marriage Covenant or Vow are mutual and reciprocal; the Band is equal, the Burthen is equally divided; And this is it that makes the discording Tempers, the unsuitable Circumstances of which I am now entring upon the Particulars of, so fatal. Marriage 1s a Yoke, so it is very well represented, in which the Creatures yoked are to draw together. If they are unequally yoked; what is the Consequence? the Plough goes not forward, the weak Horse draws all the Load, and is oppress'd, and, at length, both sink together; the Family is confused; the Affairs of it are at a Stand; the Family-Peace is destroyed; the Interest of it neglected; and, in a word, all goes wrong, till at last Ruin breaks in, and both the unhappy Creatures are lost and destroyed together.
This being the Case, the Inequalities and Unsuitables of Matrimony are far from being. Trifles, that are to be disregarded and ventured on; unless by such People to whom it is indifferent, whether they live happy or no, and that can be as happy with an unsuitable Match as with a suitable one. I know there are such Kinds of People in the World, whose very Souls are indolent and asleep; who receive no Impressions of Grief or Joy, Pain or Pleasure, and whose Minds are, as 1t were, perfectly passive in Life; unconcerned in whatever happens to them, that neither look before them or behind them, one Way or t'other, but rise in the Morning to go to Bed at Night, rise up on purpose to sit down again, and sit down only to rise up. These are indeed fit to marry in this manner; they are the Family of the Easy Ones, and to them 'tis all one to be happy or unhappy, bless'd or unbless'd, quiet or unquiet; Frowns are all one to them as Smiles, and bad Words as good; they neither Taste the sour or the sweet; the Musick of the Viol, or the Scraping of a Kettle, is alike to them, and they distinguish not between Good and Evil. All I can say to such, is only this, that at present I am not talking of them, or to them; I am rather directing my Speech to the rational Part of Mankind, who aim at a Happiness in this Life, and understand what it means; who desire to live like Men, and like Christians, and know how to do so; and, for this very Reason would match themselves with such, and such only, as have the like just Notions, and understand what a Life of Enjoyment means, as well as themselves.
To these, I say again, that all Inequalities in a state of Marriage, are as so many Wounds in the Body, which, if left to Nature, will fester and inflame, and, at length, mortify, and be fatal; at best they require a great deal of Surgery, Plaistering, and, perhaps, Opening and Incision, to cure and restore them; but are abundantly better and easier prevented than cured, be the Skill ever so great: In short, all Inequalities are Diseases in Marriage, and all Diseases are best cured by Anticipation; for, as the Learned say, Errors in the first Concoction are not remedied in the second; but the ill Digesture affects all the natural Operations, till at last it reaches the Blood and animal Spirits, and there contracts Capital Diseases.
To conclude: Let all those that expect Felicity in the married Life, that have the least View beyond the sensuality of the Brutes, and look on any thing in Marriage beyond the bridal Bed; I say, let them study to Match with proper and equal Circumstances; with Persons, as near as possible, suitable to themselves, and that in all the Particulars, of which I shall give the detail in the next Chapter. Whether my Advice be of Weight or not, I refer to what follows.
I am told, in the very Moment of writing this Head, that to talk of Inequalities and Unsuitable Things in marrying, is too general; that 'tis an Amusement only, and gives no light into my Meaning. A young Man marries a Wife, his Thoughts are to be sure upon having a suitable Bedfellow, a pleasant, agreeable, handsome Woman, to divert himself, and to sport with. What do we tell him of Inequalities and Unsuitableness? he knows nothing of it; I must explain my self.
In obedience to the Ignorance of the Objector, and supposing it the Sense of the Times, I shall explain my self accordingly: And first, I grant, that young Gentlemen now act just as the Objection is stated; they marry, get a Fortune and a Bedfellow, and that is all they trouble themselves about. The Case is excellently well express'd by my Lord Rochester:
"The solid Comforts of a Coxcomb's Life.
Roch. Art. to Clo.
I grant, I say, that this is much of the Case before me; and this is that makes so much Matrimonial Whoredom in the World: This is the very Essence of the Crime I am reproving, namely, that the married People look to the Coxcomb's Comforts, not to the real Comforts of a married Life, to the Enjoyments of the Night, not the Enjoyments of the Day; to what's present, not what's to come; and while they do so, no wonder we have such dreadful Family-Doings as we have in the World. Such Strife, such Breaches, such Family-Wickedness! While the End for which they marry, and that kind of vitious Love which brought them together lasts, they run out in their wicked Midnight Excesses one Way; and when that Love is cool'd, the vitious Flame quenched, the Fire extinguished, there being no solid Affection founded upon Virtue and true Merit; they run out into their Day-light Excesses another Way; I mean, jarring, scandalous Contention and Discord. Thus the first Part of Life is Matrimonial Whoredom, and the last Part Matrimonial Madness.
By all this, I think, 'tis apparent that, next to Virtue and Religion, Suitability is the only solid Foundation on which the Conjugal Felicity is grounded; and unsuitable Matches ought to be avoided with our utmost Care. And that I may explain my self at large, and because these unsuitable Things are too many, and have too great Obstructions attending them to be contained in a general Definition, and more than at first Sight seems probable, take them in the following Particulars, all of them really inconsistent with the Felicity of Marriage.
1. Unsuitable Years.
2. Unsuitable in Quality.
3. Unsuitable Estates.
4. Unsuitable Tempers.
5. Unsuitable Principles of Religion.
Of all these I should speak distinctly, and employ distant Chapters upon some of them; nor would it be remote to the Design of this Work to do so upon all of them; but I study brevity; and I am very far from having a barren Subject before me; I have rather more Matter than can be brought into the Compass I have prescribed to my self; yet Things must be explained as I go, and especially because they all tend to make the married Life unhappy, though they may not be all equally fatal. I'll run them over therefore, in a summary Way, for the present, the Persons guilty will have room enough to enlarge in their own Reflections separately, and as it suits their Case; for the scandalous Inequalities of such Marriages as I aim at, are too many; no Man will say, there is a want of Examples.
Nor are the Inequalities of Matching, as they are now managed, especially by the Ladie, of so light a Consequence, and so insignificant as some would make them; and let but the Ladies reflect a little upon the melancholy Circumstances of some of their Sex, who warm'd thus by the secret Heats of Nature, which they have afterwards been sensible of, they have thrown themselves away in the scandalous manner I have mentioned, with what Self-Reproaches have they loaded themselves, when they have seen themselves in the Arms of Scoundrels and Brutes, who, at other times, they would have loathed the Thoughts of, and who they live to abhor with as compleat an Aversion, after these unhappy Heats are cool'd, as ever they did before. But of this in its Place.