A Trip to the Moon/Chapter 6
CHAP. VI.
The next Day I intended to spend in observing the Customs, Manners, and Religion of the People: I had chosen that Day because it was the Anniversary of the King's Nativity. Tckbrff had promised to accompany me, and lay the Truth before me, where I should happen to doubt, or misunderstand any Thing we should see: Accordingly we set out about Ten in the Morning, intending to go to a Place of Worship not very far distant from my Lodging: We were no sooner got into the Street, than I heard the most confus'd and deafening Noise that ever reach'd my Ears. It constantly increas'd, and I thought sometimes that I heard articulate Sounds: I could not but express my Fear and Amazement; for I believ'd it supernatural, and that for the Sins of the People God had suffer'd them to be plagu'd in that Manner. But upon Enquiry, I found that it was by this Means they design'd to persuade their Monarch that they were joyful for his Nativity, and well affected to his Government; yet I could not imagine by what it was caus'd; for it was more loud and shrill than any Sound of Bells I had ever heard in Ireland. I was inform'd that they had no Bells in the Moon; and to supply that Defect, they, upon Days of Rejoicing, hir'd certain Persons, fit for nothing else, to foment Quarrels between Women, so as that they might scold: Those Women were immediately carried to the Tops of Steeples, where they were furnish'd with Liquors to enflame their Rage, and had those Fomenters standing by them, to take care that each mould return the ill Language she receiv'd, tho' they were ready enough of themselves to continue their loud Reproaches; and that thole scolding Women were what made such an horrible Din. Tckbrff further told me, that this Custom of putting the scolding Women upon the Tops of Steeples, had made them, for some Years, past keep their Tongues in more Subjection than they were wont to do, which oblig'd 'em to hire Persons to make them alarm the Kingdom. I could not but wish that all the loud-tongu'd Women in mine own Country were transported to the Moon, till I consider'd, that by that Means poor Ireland would find a great Scarcity of Wives, and perhaps in one Age be wholly uninhabited. I have since thought that Philosophers upon Earth might mistake this Noise in the Moon for Musick, which made them first talk of the Musick of the Spheres.
Before I had Time to reflect upon what I had heard, we met with a Company of Beasts, among whom we could not discover the least Remains of Humanity, except in one, who had preserv'd his Nose; but I believe that was owing to his not taking Snuff; for I did not see him take a Pinch during our Conference, as the rest did. Those were Persons, who to shew how ready they were to serve their King, had made themselves so drunk, that they forgot how to help themselves; they rail'd at all that did not stagger, and pronounced them disaffected Persons. A Swine that happen'd to be next to me, had like to have thrown me down with a Reel which he took, tho' I happily kept myself from falling: The rest seeing me run from him, thought I had assaulted him, and sent an Hero to beat me for it. He came up to me, and aim'd a furious Blow at my Cerebellum, I avoided it, and he fell into the Gutter; the Company shouted as if they had obtain'd a Victory, while we made what Haste we could from them. How much better, said Tckbrff, when we were got from them, would those Persons prove their Loyalty, if upon this Day each would apply with remarkable Industry to that which might make him useful in the Commonwealth, rather than, by wishing Health to our Sovereign, impair their own, and by utterly extinguishing their little Reason, if they had any left, render themselves so contemptible to all that are not in the same Condition?
He had just ended this Reflection when we enter'd the Temple. I had not, indeed, as yet enquir'd into the Belief of the Congregation I was now going to join with, which may seem a little strange at first Sight to any one who considers what a vast Number of Books a Man of my Parts might have devour'd since my Arrival; some of which ought to have taught me this Lesson, that when a Man willingly does he knows not what, he may be guilty of he knows not what: But this could not possibly be my Case; for I told you before, and you must take my Word for it, that I was a perfect Master of their Language; so that I could not be guilty of I know not what, in assenting to what I did not understand; besides, I was resolv'd for the present barely to observe what I saw, without any more Emotion of Mind than if it had been my Fate to be a Statue for the Ornament of that Place. But here I will give the Reader some Account of the Belief of this Sect, which was the most numerous of any in the Moon. They were the Followers of the Pythagorean Doctrine, and whatever they practis'd, they confidently affirmed that they had his express Command for, or else they made him to mean Things as they serv'd their Interests, by giving his Thoughts a new Turn, and by making their Comments upon his Writings as authentick as what they were design'd to explain. Here it may be ask'd, how Pythagoras ever got into the Moon? But I think it may be ask'd with greater Propriety, how he ever got to the Earth? For by examining the Records in both Places, it will be found, that the first Body which he animated was in the Moon, and was the Body of a Corn-Cutter; He lived very poorly in that State for many Years, till he was set at Liberty by a Disease contracted by smelling stinking Toes. The next which he enter'd into was that of a Citizen, but in a short Time was scolded out of that Tenement by his Wife. He serv'd an Apprenticeship of five Years immediately after in the Shape of a Coach-Horse to a Lady of Quality, who kill'd him with going a-Visiting. He was then transform'd into a Spider, a Bailiff, an Whore, an Emperor, an Hangman, a Greyhound, a Kitchen-Wench, a Lawyer, a Fox, and a Mad-Man. In this last Station he set up for a Philosopher, and call'd himself Pythagoras. He was not always stark mad, but had his Intervals of right Reason; in which he gain'd so much upon his Hearers, that at length they took his mad Fits for nothing but surprising Flights of his Imagination. He gain'd so much Credit in a little Time, that the greatest Absurdities confirmed by an Ipse Dixit, were thought to be sufficiently demonstrated. He us'd to harangue the People upon the Fallibility of their Senses, and by deceiving them sometimes with Legerdemain, in which he was very expert, brought them to believe, that their Senses, being rightly dispos'd, the Object at a proper Distance, and in a proper Medium, cou'd, and often did deceive 'em. So that if a Man caught him in Bed with his Wife, he wou'd before he got up deny the Fact, and then learnedly prove, that the Cuckold was either asleep, or somewhere else at the same Time, or else that himself was not Pythagoras, but the Man of the House, or else, if he was hard put to it, that he was both. Shou'd the poor Man, notwithstanding all this, still believe his Senses, and that he was a Cuckold, he would indict him for what he had said; and in case of Obstinacy (so great was his Power) put him to Death. He gave out that he had a Golden Thigh, which the common People understood literally, but the wiser Sort have found out, that he meant only that one of his Breeches Pockets was constantly full of that Metal; whence his Followers, in Imitation of him, spare no Pains to get it, and some have been so cunning as to pretend they never use any Money, that they might the more easily keep all they got, and be furnish'd with Necessaries gratis. He order'd his Followers to abstain from all kind of Flesh, and from Beans: What his Design cou'd be in the first, is thought to be only a Pretext to his Knavery, to deceive the People, by the seeming Austerity of his Morals. But his Followers could not play the Hypocrites so well, they could not abstain from Flesh altogether, wherefore they allow'd themselves the Use of it, except at some certain Times, when they thought Fish might be acceptable thro' Variety. Some think that by the Word Flesh he understands all Animals, but this they reject, and for a Reason, refer you to their own Comment upon that Passage, where they have rendered it Land Animals. Pythagoras himself has given us a Reason for abstaining from Beans, viz. because they are like Mens Testicles. He did not know but that a Man's Testicle had as good a Relish as a Bean, which if it should ever be found out, might occasion the Castration of some of his Followers, and by that means render them incapable of Pleasures which it was his Desire they should enjoy, and he foresaw they wou'd be much addicted to. By these few Instances, the rest may be guess'd at, and known, as well as Hercules by his Foot.
Pythagoras had certainly an odd Way of thinking; but his Successors have found out Things that he never dream'd of. He taught, that when the Soul leaves a Body, it becomes happy or miserable, according to the Circumstances of the next Body that receives it: But his Successors teach, that it is in their Power to continue their Kindness to their Friends, after their Separation from a Body; and to that End, have invested certain Persons with Power to know what becomes of others, and make their Sufferings have a speedy End; for they hold for their own Interest, that their Friends are miserable after leaving the Body they were last in, and will continue to be so till they assist them. This plainly shews, that Pythagoras was better natur'd than his Successors, who make their Gain of Peoples Misery, which, tho' imaginary, wou'd become real, were it in their Power to make it so. He indeed attributed much to Numbers, and was a great Proficient in the Mathematicks; but they support a bad Cause by the Numbers that adhere to it: Whence it will follow, that he that cheats half the World, is an honester Man than him that cheats only a fourth Part.
They are great Admirers of right Angles, and wou'd fain make it appear, that right Angles alone have more Efficacy than any other Figures that can be imagin'd; yet they cannot prove that Pythagoras was of that Opinion. In fine, they are so much taken up in admiring their Instructor, that they forget his Instructions. He orders them to worship the Gods; but they will worship him, or any Body else, as they please; nay, sometimes you may find them in so good an Humour, that they won't scruple to pay Divine Worship to a rotten Post.
Pythagoras liv'd in great Repute for a long Time; and having sufficiently establish'd his Doctrine, he shifted his Dwelling, and became a Foot-Soldier; but was oblig'd to forsake that Body by drinking Brandy: He had no sooner left the Army, but he was oblig'd to animate an Oyster, where he was allow'd the Liberty of Thinking, and compos'd his Aurea Carmina. He was soon taken up, and devour'd by a young Lady, who immediately became so Learned, that there was no enduring her. Many pursue him thro' several other Bodies; but their Accounts have so little to support 'em, that I rather chose to omit them, than set down any Thing but that which is founded upon the best Authority.
I shou'd now proceed to what I saw in the Temple; but as all what I saw was mysterious, and Mysteries are not to be divulg'd, I must be excus'd for not discovering what I saw. When the Crowd was gone, Tckrff took me to see the Rarities of the Place, and prevail'd upon one that belong'd to it, to shew them to us. We were led into a large Room full of Wonders; to recount all which, would fill a large Volume, yet I will set down a few which I remember above others. The first Thing he shewed us was a Frying-Pan with but one Handle, which was all the Houshold Goods of a certain famous Pythagorean. The next was a large Cup with two Handles; which was look'd upon as preternatural in the Age it was made, with an Inscription to this Purpose, He is a Beast that drinks more at one Time, than he can lift with one Hand. A small Bundle of Birch, consisting of eight Twigs and an half, with which a great Man was wont to keep down proud Flesh. A Gallipot, in which was to be seen some of the Brimstone which Pythagoras himself us'd to cure himself of the Itch: This is shewn to prove the Antiquity of that Distemper in the Northern Parts, where Pythagoras for a while resided. A three-legged Stool, which retain'd so much Virtue from the Person who us'd to sit upon it, that it wou'd cure Jealousy: The jealous Person was to sit upon this Stool three Hours, during which Time he was to believe firmly that his Consort was virtuous. An Horn, to drink out of, which would prevent Cuckoldom. A Stone which had been laugh'd at for speaking Nonsense, and had been ever since silent. These are a few of the surprising Things which I saw. When we had view'd them all, and were going away, the good Man who had shew'd them to us, took as much Water out of a Bason, that stood by the Door, as he cou'd hold in his Hand, and threw it in my Face. I apprehended that it was because I had given him nothing, and tho' I was angry, I gave him something for his Trouble, and and took my Leave of those renowned Pythagoreans. There were many other Sects of Philosophers in the Town, who all hated the Pythagoreans, as being notorious Cheats; tho' the Pythagoreans were even with them, by cutting their Throats, as often as they found Opportunity, and look'd upon murdering those that differ'd with them in Opinion, as a meritorious Action. Tckbrff desir'd me to go and see a Fountain which was in the Midst of the Town, and which the Pythagoreans had often strove in vain to stop up. It was remarkable for the Purity of its Water, and for not suffering any Dirt to settle in it. The more the Pythagoreans labour'd to suppress it, the more it over-flow'd, and grew daily more famous, to their Shame and Confusion. The Reason of their Hatred to it was, that it had so much Virtue, that an hearty Draught of its Water wou'd make the ablest Pythagorean renounce his Principles, if Obstinacy and Prejudice had not usurp'd the Seat of his Understanding. It had restor'd many to their Human Shape, and prov'd an infallible Remedy again the Griping of the Guts; where the Pain was so great, that it made People look as if they were possess'd. It was under the King's immediate Care, who, upon his Coronation, had oblig'd himself to protect it, and well did it deserve to have a Royal Patron, since it was the greatest Blessing that ever had been bestow'd upon the Kingdom. It brought Peace and Plenty wheresoever it flow'd, and guided the People in the true Road of Happiness. It had a Guard continually surrounding it, which was made firm to its Interests by drinking of it. Many times did the Pythagoreans hazard their Lives and Fortunes to a Man, in Hopes of destroying it, and often caus'd such an Effusion of Blood upon its Banks, that it chang'd its Colour for a Time, tho' it never cou'd be corrupted. The Bodies of those that died in the Defence of it, were gently carried down the Stream that issued from it into a remote Country, where they receiv'd new Life, and enjoy'd endless Happiness.
Many had desir'd to draw off its Water into their own Grounds; and to that End, had secretly dug Passages under the Earth, thinking that the Fountain wou'd pour its Water into them, and by that Means they would become sole Masters of all its Benefits: But they were all disappointed; for in their way they constantly met with some Fountain, which they mistook for the true one, and were so blinded with their own Conceits, that they could not see that they had not come near the Fountain which they coveted, and that the Water which they had got, had none of those good Qualities which made the other so desirable. Had they been content to enjoy its Benefits in common, it was sufficient to satisfy them all, let them be never so greedy. Yet each obstinately maintain'd that he was in the right, and to gain the Fountain he had found the more Repute, cry'd down the true one. I will not take upon me to say that all the Philosophers which we had upon Earth were first in the Moon, tho' I have been often tempted to believe it, from the Conformity of the Opinion of several earthly Philosophers to those religious Sects in the Moon; for I observ'd that there were Platonicks and Cynicks there: The former affected magical Transports, and pretended that they kept a Courier constantly to bring them Intelligence from Heaven: The latter differ'd from them in this, that they admir'd an extraordinary Simplicity in their Garb, which, tho' different from that of other People, was as fashionable as theirs; since it is Custom alone that alters Fashions, and they had nearly stuck to one Fashion for many Years. They were the most unmannerly People in the Moon, and were so politick, that they had persuaded many that they were in earnest, and that to be virtuous was to be unmannerly, and that we cannot be brought to Heaven with an Equipage. It is surprizing to reflect upon what a Multitude is misled, when all are allow'd to approach the sacred Fountain, and Persons appointed to take Care that those who come to drink observe Rules prescrib'd to them.