A golden treatise of mental prayer/A meditation for Monday: of sins
HERE FOLLOW THE SEVEN FORMER MEDITATIONS.
A MEDITATION FOR MONDAY.
This day thou shalt call to memory thy sins, and shalt exercise thyself in the knowledge of thyself, that on the one side thou mayest truly ponder the greatness of thy offences, and on the other side, thou mayest look into thy baseness, and thy own nothing, and acknowledge that all the good which thou hast, is from God. This consideration will get thee submission of mind, and true humility, the mother of all virtues.
First, therefore, weigh with thyself, the multitude of the sins of thy former life, and namely, those sins which thou hast committed, when as yet thou wert not illuminated with the divine splendor to know Almighty God rightly. These if thou dost examine with exquisite diligence, thou wilt find to be so many in number, that they will exceed the hairs of thy head; for in this time thou leadest the life of a heathen, ignorant of the divine power, and as it were without any knowledge of his sacred Deity.
Then consider how thou hast behaved thyself about the ten commandments, and the seven deadly sins, and thou wilt find, that there is no precept of Almighty God, which thou hast not violated, nor any mortal sin, into which thou hast not fallen, either in thought, word, or deed. After that, call to mind Almighty God's benefits, which he hath bestowed upon thee in the whole course of thy former life, and see whether thou canst give a good account of them or no.
Tell me, I pray thee, how thou hast consumed the days of thy infancy, thy youth, and the flower of thy manly age? how hast thou employed thy five exterior senses, and inward faculties of thy soul, given unto thee by God, only to be busied about his holy service, and the contemplation of heavenly things; what hast thou turned thine eyes unto, but to behold vanities? what have thine ears listened after, but lies and tales! what hath thy tongue uttered, but murmurings and blasphemous speeches? what hath thy taste and feeling been delighted in, but wanton pleasures? how hast thou used the remedy of the holy Sacraments, given unto thee as a singular gift? what thanksgiving hast thou restored for so many benefits which he hath heaped upon thee? what alacrity hast thou used to satisfy his holy inspirations? how hast thou spent thy health of body and natural forces? how hast thou dispensed thy goods of fortune? what good use hast thou made of the commodity, and proffered occasions to live well? what care hast thou had of thy neighbor's welfare? what works of mercy, or of bounty, hast thou done unto them? what wilt thou answer in that terrible day of judgment, when thou must render a severe account of all these things! O withered tree, destinated to eternal flames, except thou dost penance! what excuse wilt thou then frame, when thou must give an account of every year, of every month, of every week, of every day, of every moment!
Thirdly, consider, those sins, which thou hast every day committed, after Almighty God hath illuminated and opened the eyes of thy soul to meditate upon heavenly things; and thou shalt find that the old Adam hath yet borne a great sway in thy actions, and that sinful root to have procreated in thee, many and perverse habits.
Diligently ponder, how ungrateful thou hast been to Almighty God, how unmindful of his benefits, how contrary thou hast behaved thyself against his holy inspirations, how slothful and remiss in his divine service; in which thou scarce hast ever used due alacrity and diligence, or such purity of intention as is requisite, nay, hast thou not served God for worldly respects and commodity?
Enter into consideration how rigid thou art to thy neighbor, and how indulgent to thyself? how thou lovest thy own will, how thou adherest to thy sensuality, how chary of thy honor, and of every thing that belongeth unto thee. Weigh well with thyself, how every day thou growest more arrogant, more ambitious, more vain, more prone to anger, more desperately bent to malice, more prone to delights and pleasures, more mutable, more unconstant, more propense to carnal sins and a greater lover of earthly vanities. Consider thy inconstancy in good, thy indiscretion in words, imprudence in deeds, in high and difficult matters pusillanimity sometimes, and often audacious temerity.
In the fourth place, after thou hast taken notice of the number and order of thy sins, pause upon them a while in thy mind, and weigh every one in the balance of due consideration, that thou mayest perceive with what misery thou art on every side environed. Which, that thou mayest the better do; consider these three circumstances in the sins of thy former life. First, against whom thou hast sinned. Second, why thou hast sinned. Third, how thou hast sinned. Which, if thou dost diligently penetrate, thou wilt find that thou hast offended God, whose majesty and goodness is immense, who hath obliged man unto him with so many benefits, as there are sands in the sea, or drops of water in the ocean.
Why hast thou sinned, or what violent occasion hath enforced thee to any crime? a little momentary pride; a foul representation of pleasure; some small commodity placed in thy sight, and oftentimes no occasion at all, but evil custom, and mere contempt of God.
But alas, how hast thou sinned? with such facility, with such notable audacity, with so little fear and conscience, yea with such serenity and pleasure, as though thou hadst to do with no other than a wooden God, who regardeth not these sublunary things, neither understandeth nor seeth any thing what is done on the face of earth. Is this the honor due unto his supreme Majesty? is this a renumeration of his benefits? dost thou with such services requite his whippings, his buffetings, and precious blood shed upon the cross for thy sake? O wicked wretch, that hast offended so great a majesty, more miserable, that for so slight a cause, and most deplorable, that thou art not sensible of thy utter ruin: that after sin thou fearest not damnation, and so neglectest to do penance.
Moreover, it is very profitable, to insist a while upon this consideration, and that thou esteem thyself nothing, and certainly persuade thyself that thou hast nothing of thyself but sin; all other things to be the gifts of Almighty God's bounty. For it is most evident, that all our good, both of grace and nature doth flow from him; for he is the author of the grace of predestination (which is the fountain and original of all others) of the grace of our vocation, of concomitant and preserving grace, and of the grace of everlasting life. What hast thou then, that thou canst boast of, but sin? only this, nothing thou canst attribute to thyself, all other things belong to God: whence thou mayest clearly and manifestly perceive what he is, and what thou art, and hence conjecture, what diffidence thou oughtest to have in thyself, and what confidence in God, to love him, and to glorify thyself in him, and not in thyself, but so far as his grace doth freely operate in thee.
These things being digested with attentive meditation, as much as thou canst, urge thyself to a contempt of thyself: imagine that thou art like an empty reed, shaken with every blast of wind, without gravity, without virtue, without constancy, without stability, and, finally, without any thing. Think thyself to be a Lazarus four days dead, a stinking and abominable carcass, swarming with vermin, so filthy that passers by, are forced to stop their nostrils, lest they smell such a nasty savour. Believe me, thou art more abominable before God and his holy saints. Think thyself unworthy to lift up thine eyes to heaven; to tread upon the earth, or that the creatures should serve thee; yea, not worthy to eat bread or breathe in the air. Cast thyself, with the sinful women in the gospel, at our Blessed Saviour's feet; presenting thyself unto him with a confused and blushing countenance, no otherwise than the woman taken in adultery before her husband, and with inward sorrow and true compunction, beg pardon for thy sins: that, for his infinite mercy and goodness, he would vouchsafe to receive thee again into his favor, and that thou mayest dwell in his house for ever.