Abroad with Mark Twain and Eugene Field/Kilties and the Lassie
KILTIES AND THE LASSIE
"I heard a good one on a young Scotchman, a fellow who was always trying to show off in kilties. By the way, Andy Carnegie told me about him. This young Scot, with some other chaps, went on a tramp of the lakes of Scotland, and young Douglas had a good time showing off his fine calves—talked about them and made comparisons with other well-known legs, of actresses, bishops, dancers, etc. (In England all bishops wear knickers, you know.)
"At night the boys put up at a rather dilapidated inn, neither clean nor promising other creature comforts. But the girl who waited on them, maid or scullion, was a dandy—blonde and blue-eyed, rosy-cheeked and sturdy of arm and leg.
"As she flitted in and out of the room, bringing whiskey and water, cheese, bread and dried fish—that was all the bill of fare afforded—the travelers' eyes followed her, and when she left the room there was many a knowing wink. Douglas got jealous of the attention bestowed on Miriam.
"'What is there to go daft over?' he demanded peevishly.
"'Well,' said they in chorus, 'for one thing, she has better legs than you, Douglas.'
"Douglas hotly denied the imputation. There was an argument, and it was finally agreed that the two be measured. If Douglas lost, he must pay for the night's reckoning.
"Accordingly, Douglas was put to the tape, and the girl also. Miriam had a few more inches of calf, but the Scotchman was undaunted. 'Have you ever seen finer thighs than mine?' he boasted.
"The lad who had been doing the measuring got flustered, but the girl laughed:
"'Don't be afeerd, Laddie; the higher you go the bigger they grow. I'll be the winner.'
"And she was," said Mark, with a chuckle of evident approval.