Abroad with Mark Twain and Eugene Field/The French Madame
THE FRENCH MADAME
One night in his dressing-room, Sir Herbert Tree introduced us to another promising story-teller, namely, the French madame who looked after "the ladies of the chorus, who raise a shapely leg before us." (That was a popular sing-song then and Mark heartily enjoyed it.) She told Clemens of a stroke of good luck that had befallen her and he declared himself tickled to death with her French-English, which, he said, was every bit as good as his own English-French. Tree kindly lent us "Basil," his stenographer and "memory," to jot down the yarn.
"Louisa, Be Brave"
At Madame Raymond's house.
"Ah, Madame, how do you? Will you have a drink or are you too proud already?"
"Mais non, Madame, we will have ze leedle drink as usual. And how have you been getting on, Madame?"
"Ah, no at all well, I have been worried, ma chère, for my 'usband he did join ze Liberal Club.
"Ah, after I tell you my leedle experience, mon Dieu! you won't let Alphonse join ze damn Lib'ral Club.
"Listen. As M. Raymond stayed till 1, 3, 4th o'clock in the morning at the Lib'ral Club, I was told one or two or three leedle things about him, but of course I did not think or believe at ze time. But ze three time he did not come at ze 4th in the morning, I get up and dress myself and go arounds to ze Lib'ral Club and does bash bangs at zat door.
"And presently a head comes out of ze window upstairs and he says: 'What you want down there at this hour of ze evening, Madame?'
"'I want M. Raymond, my 'usband.'
"'He is not 'ere, Madame. Ze Club always closes at eleven ze clock.'
"'I thank you. Monsieur, sorry to trouble you.' So I put zese leedle things together that I had been told and I jus' go rounds ze corner and I listen down ze aria and hear sounds of reverie.
"A policeman he stood at ze corner. I says to ze policeman: 'Here is two shillings, you go rounds ze corner and you sees notings. Ze madame here has decoys my 'usband to dance with the girls.'
"And ze policeman is off and sees notings.
"Then I goes close to ze door and bash bangs at ze door. And a Frenchwoman like myself comes up and she says, *What you want, Madame?'
"I said, 'I want my 'usband, M. Raymond. Zat is all.'
"She says, 'Your 'usband not 'ere, Madame.'
"I says, 'Yes, I 'ear 'im downstairs.'
"Then quick she calls me lair and I gives her a bash bang down into ze passage. She cried and up comes ze madame's 'usband.
"He says, 'What you do to my wife, you bad madame?'
"I says, 'She will not give me my 'usband.'
"He says, 'You are a bad madame. I turn you out of my 'ouse. Your 'usband not 'ere.'
"Then just comes up M. Raymond.
"'Ah,' says I, 'this is all I jus' want. So you come along wiz me.'
"Ah, my dear, we did 'ave a leedle words on ze road 'ome and M. Raymond says, 'A pretty ting you done for yourself; you will be sermonized for knocking that madame down.'
"But I patted me on the chest and I said to me, 'Louisa, be brave.'
"A day or two after dis, a sermon came from the South Western Police Court. Ah, mon Dieu, I was jus' a leedle frightened, but I said to me: 'Louisa, you have been ze brave woman and you mus' be brave all ze time.'
"Eh bien, you remember ze chapeau I bought in ze leedle Soho shop and also that pretty gown in ze Chapelle Blanche—très chic?
"Eh bien, I put on ze chapeau and ze pretty dress and ze nice gloves that come to ze elbows, and I had a cab with four wheels and I did go to ze police court.
"Ah, ma chère, when I get to ze police court, dere was a very fine tall handsome Inspector and he jus' hands me out of ze cab and I jus' go into ze court and ze case was called.
"And ze judge he was dere and I bows to ze judge and ze judge bows to me. And ze people, ma chère, zey were ze big cowards. Dey did not turn up.
"So when I tells ze judge my leedle story, he does dismiss ze case.
"I goes outside and sees ze fine tall handsome Inspector. Ze Inspector, he says: 'You 'ave got off very well to-day, but ze excitement! You mus' come wiz me and 'ave a leedle someting.'
"Well, my dear, I did go and ze Inspector he give me the winner of a 'orse and I jus' win forty pounds, ma chère.
"And ze people w'ere my 'usband was dancing came to me in ze evening and apologized, and he says: 'I'm very sorr', madame, we did not say your 'usband was zere. He did no 'arm. I bring you a leedle present. I am chef at ze Hotel and 'ere is a big basin of drippin' for you, Madame.'
"He was a very good chef, that monsieur, and so was the dripping."