Advice to the Indian Aristocracy/Chapter 18
FAMILY.
In the previous lecture I told you how you should treat and train your children. Now I think I may make some general observations in regard to the other members of one's family.
If you have a younger brother, or brothers young enough to be trained, of course you should follow the same method of training as is prescribed for your children. If he is a grown-up brother, treat him equally with yourself in every respect; be as kind to him as towards your own children, and show him fatherly affection in every matter. By brother, I mean not only your brother of the full blood, but also your step-brother. In any case he is equally with yourself your father's son. Sri Rama said, when his step-brother was in certain trouble, as follows: — "To whatever country a man goes, he can get a wife and relatives, but I do not see any country where one can get a brother.** Even though your brother lives separately on his allowance from the estate, or in ordinary cases on the income of a portion of the estate, you must be on friendly terms with him. Suppose you are an adopted son and have succeeded your father by adoption. Then your own brother's position as regards yourself is quite different. You may be kind to him, but do not treat him equally with yourself, because your relatives and your people, on the whole, would disapprove of such treatment. Never give him a high office or post in your establishment.
You should always respect your mother, your grandmother and the ladies of that rank, and you should see that none of them is treated with disrespect by your wife and the young ladies of your family. Give them ample monthly allowance of money and do not ask them for an account of the expenditure. Give them some extra money on special days and take them to visit convenient places of pilgrimage. You should be very careful not to give them any chance of interfering with the management of your estate. Such female interference is always unprofitable and injurious to the management.
Be kind and affectionate to your wife; give her an ample monthly allowance, and take her with you on your travels to convenient places; but never become a tool in her hands. Even among the more educated and civilized Western peoples, female supremacy is sometimes unpleasant and unprofitable. I dare say Europeans will admit it too.
When I was a boy 1 read a story of three witches. A question arose among them as to what women like best. They argued at lengthy suggesting various things which were likely to be desired by women, such as personal beauty, jewels, money, children, and a youthful, handsome, rich, learned, or courageous husband. At last it was decided that a woman considers supremacy or control over her husband or lover to be the most enviable gift of Providencedence. Wherever there is such control over the husband, there is no pleasure and happiness for him, and he is a slave to his wife. Therefore, never be under your wife's control. On the other hand, never make your wife feel sorry on account of your treatment of her. If you are a true husband, it is all the better; if not, under any circumstances, think of your wife first and then of others.
Except under the reasons referred to in my lecture on Bad Habits, never marry more than one wife. I may tell you here two moral stories in connection with the marrying of two wives at tlie same time. (1) A certain thief broke into a magistrate's house, and, in the course of his search for valuables, saw the magistrate while he was in the company of his two wives. Afterwards the thief was caught by the guard, and on the following day was tried by the magistrate and found guilty. Thereupon he said to the magistrate with assumed humility that he would gladly undergo any punishment except being made to marry two wives at the same time; because he had seen the worry and trouble the magistrate on the bench had had on the previous night with his two wives. (2) A certain man had at the same time two wives, one young, the other elderly. The young one wishing him to look young began to pull out his grey hairs. And then the elder wife, being jealous of her co-wife, began to pull out all his dark hairs. He thus became bald in a few days. Turning to my lecture, if you are rich enough, make some provision for your wife by assigning to her, by will or gift, a decent amount of money. But never give her full command over it; she would otherwise spend it in no time. Invest that money in Government paper or in a trustworthy bank and give her the right to enjoy the interest of that amount for her lifetime. You must always have forethought for her future. Though she would get an allowance from the estate if she survives you, she should yet have some money of her own.
You had better also make similar provision on a smaller scale for your married daughter. As for 9 girl's training, I have already told you in my previous lecture how this should be done. You must treat your daughter-in-law and your younger brother's wife just like your daughter. Provide them with jewels and other valuables as costly as those in the possession of your wife. There is a very good Hindu saying as to the kind of ladies to be respected. The following ladies have to be respected:—(1) an elder sister; (2) an elderbrother's wife; (3) a wife's mother; (4) the sisters of parents; (3) the wives of paternal and maternal uncles; (6) the king's or master's wife; (7) and the wife of a priest or a teacher.
The general rule is that one should greet as superiors all his elder relatives, male or female. But your position requires that you should exceed the requirements of the general rule. There may be various special customs in use among different classes and castes. As I am unacquainted with these, I give the custom observed in my own house. All the elders that are born in my family, and all the female elders that are married into my family are to be saluted. The meaning of the salutation may not be understood by those that are not Hindus. It is a special sort of reverence shown in person to one's elders on certain occasions or in letters only. It is something more than a wish, a bow, or a salaam, such as are greetings in society when persons meet or part from one another.
I think it is necessary for me to say a few words for the younger brothers of a Zamindar. They should always be obedient to the eldest brother, whether the ancestral property, movable or immovable, has been divided amongst them or not. They must never think of appearing to be higher in position than the eldest. I know a certain Zamindar who had two brothers. The estate being impartible, all the movable property was equally divided among them. One of the two younger brothers, unfortunately, desired to show himself equal to the Zamindar or even to exceed him, and increased his establishment considerably, to provide himself with all the necessary equipments of a Zamindar. He also foolishly began to build a fine palace higher than the highest building in his eldest brother the Rajah's palace. Not satisfied with the above foolish extravagance, he wanted to get a better name than the Zamindar, and squandered his money indiscriminately in what his fancy took for charity. Consequently he wasted his property in a very short time. On the other hand, the other brother built a nice, comfortable and convenient palace and never attempted to maintain an establishment suitable for a Rajah. He therefore increased his resources and flourished exceedingly. As the Zamindar is a great friend of mine, I know the whole affair well; and I cannot give a better example of extravagance on the one hand, and prudence on the other, than the younger brothers of this Zamindar. If the estate is a partible one, the younger brothers get equal shares with the eldest from the estate, and they may lead a life similar to that of the eldest brother; but they must not imitate another Zamindar who is better off than themselves. I know well a Zamindar, owner of one of the portions of a divided estate, who spent about three lakhs of rupees on his installation ceremony. I don't think his grandfather or his eldest uncle who were the owners of the estate in its undivided state would have spent more than ten or, at the most, twenty thousand rupees on such ceremonies. But this Zamindar spent about three lakhs of rupees on the same sort of ceremony without thinking of his position and of the extent of his portion. Such an one, I mean the owner of a partible estate, has no right whatever to such a ceremony, because after a few generations his estate will have been split up into such small portions that his descendants will Jose the status and prestige of the family.
Again, if the estate is an impartible one, the younger brothers get a fair amount of money from the estate as a monthly allowance. They must make it a rule that their entire expenditure must be below that amount and "cut their coat according to their cloth."
Home to those who have a happy home is "Sweet home." It is one of the blessings bestowed upon man. "Family love, and the love of home, is one of the purest and noblest feelings which stir the human heart." There is nothing we admire more at home than the goodness of a father, the affection and love of a mother, and the unselfishness and friendship of brothers and sisters. Such is the happiness in every sweet home. Our home is the highest of the kind, because our homes are "homes of comfort and prosperity, homes of honour and respect, homes of high duty and wide opportunity." Therefore we must be very grateful to the Almighty for having bestowed on us such homes.