Base-Ball Ballads/A Real Job for Teddy
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A REAL JOB FOR TEDDY.
Teddy, when your work is through in the Presidential chair;
When another takes the shift where you've learned to do and dare,
You will need another job—one that's a monstrosity,
That will soak up, day by day, all your strenuosity.
It must be a husky job, full of smoke and fire to boot;
And in looking round I've found only one I know will suit,
Only one where your big stick will be needed day by day;
Only one to fit in, Ted, with your rough-and-tumble way;
Only one where in the end you will some day long for rest,
Where your energy will wane and your spirit be depressed.
When another takes the shift where you've learned to do and dare,
You will need another job—one that's a monstrosity,
That will soak up, day by day, all your strenuosity.
It must be a husky job, full of smoke and fire to boot;
And in looking round I've found only one I know will suit,
Only one where your big stick will be needed day by day;
Only one to fit in, Ted, with your rough-and-tumble way;
Only one where in the end you will some day long for rest,
Where your energy will wane and your spirit be depressed.
You will find it different from any "nature-faking" fuss;
You will find it harder than mauling up the Octopus.
It will be a rougher job than a charge up San Juan Hill,
Or a battle with the trusts—it will take a stronger will.
Fighting predatory wealth of the kings of high finance,
Calling railroad moguls down will not be a circumstance.
All in all, 'twill suit you fine. Never having been afraid
Of aught else upon this earth, you should be an umpire, Ted!
You will find it harder than mauling up the Octopus.
It will be a rougher job than a charge up San Juan Hill,
Or a battle with the trusts—it will take a stronger will.
Fighting predatory wealth of the kings of high finance,
Calling railroad moguls down will not be a circumstance.
All in all, 'twill suit you fine. Never having been afraid
Of aught else upon this earth, you should be an umpire, Ted!
That's the only job for you; take our tip now, Theodore;
Think of how your pulse will leap when you hear the angry roar.
There your nerve can have full play; you will find the action there
Which you've hunted for in vain from your Presidential chair.
Think of how your pulse will leap when you hear the angry roar.
There your nerve can have full play; you will find the action there
Which you've hunted for in vain from your Presidential chair.
Chasing Afric lions and such, catching grizzlies will seem tame
Lined up with the jolt you'll get in the thick of some hard game.
Choking hungry wolves to death as a sport will stack up raw
When you see Kid Elberfeld swinging for your under jaw.
When you hear Hugh Jennings roar, "Call them strikes, you lump of cheese!"
Or McGraw comes rushing out, kicking at your shins and knees;
When the bleachers stand and shout, "Robber, liar, thief, and dub!"
You'll be sorry for the gents in your Ananias Club.
You'll find it's a different thing from making peace with old Japan
Than when you've called a strike on O'Conner or McGann.
Holding California back isn't quite the same, I'll state,
As is calling Devlin out on a close one at the plate.
Though I've hunted far and near, there is nothing else to do
Where you'll get what's coming, Ted, all that's coming unto you.
You should be an umpire, Ted; and I'll bet two weeks would be
Quite enough to curb your rash, headlong stren-u-os-i-tee.
Lined up with the jolt you'll get in the thick of some hard game.
Choking hungry wolves to death as a sport will stack up raw
When you see Kid Elberfeld swinging for your under jaw.
When you hear Hugh Jennings roar, "Call them strikes, you lump of cheese!"
Or McGraw comes rushing out, kicking at your shins and knees;
When the bleachers stand and shout, "Robber, liar, thief, and dub!"
You'll be sorry for the gents in your Ananias Club.
You'll find it's a different thing from making peace with old Japan
Than when you've called a strike on O'Conner or McGann.
Holding California back isn't quite the same, I'll state,
As is calling Devlin out on a close one at the plate.
Though I've hunted far and near, there is nothing else to do
Where you'll get what's coming, Ted, all that's coming unto you.
You should be an umpire, Ted; and I'll bet two weeks would be
Quite enough to curb your rash, headlong stren-u-os-i-tee.