Bill the Minder/The Respectable Gentleman
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLE-
MAN AND THE BOY SCOUT
IN due time the gallant army arrived at the little town of Killgruel, a very respectable place indeed, at which they spent the pleasantest of week-ends, entertained at 'At Homes,' soirees, and receptions, to any number of which every member of the expedition was invited during their brief stay. Bill and the King were the guests of the very respectable and Right Honourable Hesketh Fitzgreynib, the Mayor of Killgruel, who entertained them with the extremest gentility imaginable. So respectable and genteel was their host, that it had been said of him that never had he been known to don the same suit twice, having at the very least a new one every day; nor had he ever been seen to remove his lavender gloves even at meal times. It was also reported that, not content with bowing most politely to every one he met in the street, he behaved in a like genteel manner to all the pillar-boxes and lamp-posts that he passed upon his way, and that he always walked sideways down the street with his back to the wall, in order that he should not be compelled to turn it upon the passers-by. Whether these reports are true or not, it is certain that he was the most gentlemanly gentleman in all Killgruel, a town which could boast more elegant and refined people than any other town in the whole world.
He was indeed the pride of Killgruel, and so respected by his fellow-townsmen, who valued him greatly for his exceptional gentlemanliness, that he was not allowed to soil his hands by so much as a stroke of work, but only to be respectable from morning to night. An intelligent boy scout was employed to look after him, and even to think for him, with orders never on any account to leave him, so that in time this respectable gentleman became very respectable indeed, and relying for almost everything on the intelligence and affection of the boy scout, who now performed for him even his duties as Mayor of Killgruel, the good man was enabled to devote his whole thoughts to the cultivation of his respectability.
His good wife, the Lady Lilian Leankettle, who was extravagantly devoted to her husband, shone in the same brilliant manner, and was quoted as a model of gentility by all the good wives of the little community, while Bildith, their charming and handsome daughter, gave every promise of inheriting their interesting ways.
But delightful as all this was to the band of warriors, on Monday morning they were compelled to resume their journey. It was, however, so early when they were ready to start that the gates of the town were not unlocked, so the Honourable Hesketh, with whom, as Mayor of Killgruel, the keys were always left at night, allowed the scout to take the keys and let the wanderers out. After a charmingly polite farewell from the Right Honourable Hesketh and others of their entertainers who had gathered by the town hall to see them off, the gallant band marched down the high street towards the only gate of the town, headed by the intelligent boy scout. From the first the King showed symptoms of being rather unmanageable, and Bill had great difficulty in getting him past the shops, which were now all taking down their shutters, and when they arrived at the sweet-stuff shop there was nothing for it but to go in and buy him some cocoanut ice.
At length they managed to get clear of the gates, which were then closed with a bang behind them, and the last they saw of the intelligent boy scout was with the great town keys held firmly between his teeth, in order that he might hold with one hand the top of the wall to which he had hastily climbed, while with the other he waved a fond good-bye to the departing wanderers.
With a great gurgling cry, which all took to be one of grief at their departure, the affectionate lad suddenly disappeared and the brave fellows resumed their march.
Their road now took them across the mountains at the foot of which nestled the little town of Killgruel. Towards evening the noble fellows were crossing the highest peaks of the range, weary, and looking forward to their supper and a good night's rest, both of which they proposed to take in the woods on the other side of the mountains. Every one now began to notice that the old King seemed worried about something or other, and the further they marched the more fidgety he became, until at last, when they had nearly descended to the woods on the other side, the old aggravator called his general to him and said:—'Bill, did you happen to notice in the window of the principal sweet-stuff* shop in the Killgruel high street, three fine fat sticks of liquorice leaning against the bottle containing the pear drops? Well, I can't get them out of my mind.' Bill tried to persuade him to forget them, and talked of many other things, in order to distract him from such thoughts. Presently he appeared to grow easier, and as he did not for some time again refer to the liquorice sticks, Bill was pleased to think that he had been successful in directing the old boy's thoughts into another channel. However, as they were unpacking their things in the woods at which they had now arrived and were lighting fires, preparatory to cooking their suppers, the truly exasperating creature again called Bill to him. 'Bill,' said he, with the most miserable face in the world, 'it's no good. I can't forget 'em, try as I will. I don't want any of that nasty porridge I know they are about to prepare for supper. I must have some of those liquorice sticks.'
Hiding his annoyance as much as he could, Bill tried to convince him how nice porridge really is and how good for him, but the discontented old man, who no doubt had been very much spoilt as a boy, would hear nothing of it. 'I don't want to be done good to,' cried he, 'and if I don't have those liquorice sticks to-night before I go to bed I know I shall get the fidgets and not be able to sleep a wink.'
Bill now pointed out the difficulty of obtaining the liquorice, the distance being so great that it would be impossible to have it brought to the camp before midnight at the very earliest.
The King, however, was obdurate, and Bill was now compelled, much against his will, to summon the whole army together and call for a volunteer 
BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR BOXES
to fetch the liquorice, but not one, not even the pluckful Chad, would venture to return alone to Killgruel along the dreary mountain road in the gathering night. Bill then suggested that two or three should return together and keep each other company, but it was of no avail. At last, the only way out of the difficulty that occurred to Bill was for half the army to return for the liquorice, and the other half to remain in the woods; but here yet another difficulty arose, for no one would stay in the woods with the army weakened to that extent.
THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED
him from his selfish purpose, but the more Bill talked, the more obstinate the old King became, and had it not been for the severe training Bill had had as a minder, he must assuredly have lost control of his temper.
'I must have that liquorice,' whined the old grizzler, 'and if there is no other way of obtaining it the whole army must pack up sticks and return to Killgruel.'
Many were the growls of discontent uttered by the poor fellows when Bill gave the necessary orders to pack up again and prepare to return over the mountains. Only by dint of the kindest words did he restrain a mutiny, encouraging them at the same time to humour the old baby and put up with his strange ways until he was restored to his throne, when, no doubt, he would make it up to them in many ways.
In a little time the brave fellows were all on the march again, but the day was breaking by the time they arrived once more before the walls of Killgruel, all utterly tired, grumpy, and footsore. Bill strode up to the gates of the town, which, of course, at that time of the morning were still closed, and pulled the bell vigorously. He waited some time, and as there was no reply, he pulled the bell again, and then, after another interval, he rang it with all his force, but with no result whatever. He could now, however, hear a great muttering on the other side of the wall and considerable running to and fro, so he determined to wait patiently. At length the little wicket in the gate was opened and one of the Killgruellers looked out, and, recognising Bill and his comrades, hastily shut the wicket again after promising to fetch the Mayor.
Bill now waited a very long time before the wicket opened again, and in the meantime his poor comrades, nearly overcome with their fatigue and their hunger, had set up their camp before the walls and prepared their breakfast, after eating which not one of them was able to keep his eyes open a moment longer, and all fell fast asleep before their fires. Even the old King dozed off and snored peacefully in his tent, forgetting, for the first time in twenty-four hours, the sticks of liquorice, upon the enjoyment of which he had so much set his heart.
STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALLS
Bill alone of the whole force remained awake, and waited and waited, and as he stood before the gates of the little town, the noise within grew louder and louder until there was a terrific hub-bub within the walls. At last the wicket opened and the face of the respectable Mayor appeared in the little opening, but so altered that at first Bill hardly recognised his good host of the day before, so upset and disturbed did he seem.
The poor man then in the most nervous manner explained that no one in the town had seen anything of the boy scout nor of the town keys since he had let the army out of the gate the previous morning, and until they found them it was, of course, impossible to let any one in. However, the good fellow (who certainly seemed rather helpless without his faithful attendant), besought Bill to wait patiently, as they had not yet given up hope of being able to open the gate. The wicket was again hurriedly closed, and Bill, sitting down by the gate, prepared to wait as patiently as he could. So tired, however, was the noble lad, that in spite of all his endeavours to remain awake he soon fell fast asleep. Long and deeply did he slumber, when he was awakened by a most terrible and deafening noise within the town, which had been growing greater and greater during his repose.
Fortunately all in the camp, on account of their great fatigue, were so deep in sleep that the great uproar was unable to awaken them, but Bill at once stood up and scaled the walls to ascertain if possible the cause of the awful din.
The hub-bub was truly deafening, and from his position on the walls Bill could see all over the little town, which was in a shocking state of confusion. The contents of every house were turned into the streets, and the distracted inhabitants everywhere hunting amongst the furniture and taking it to pieces in their search for the lost keys. Beds were cut open and discharged their feathers in great clouds that floated about the town; the church steeple had been removed and shaken, and the inside well scoured; many of the good people were descending chimneys attached to lines; pavements were lifted, cellars ransacked, the Town Hall taken to little pieces, old houses pulled down, pillar-boxes cleared out, and lamp-posts blown through by the perplexed and almost frantic Killgruellers in their efforts to find the lost keys. All the milk, the wine, the water, the lemonade and the gravy were being strained through butterfly nets or lawn tennis rackets, and, after melting it down, all the butter, dripping and lard was treated in the same way. The treacle tanks and great reservoirs of linseed tea were thoroughly dragged, but with no result whatever.
A great procession of the townsmen nearly filled the high street which led from the gate to the further end of the town. One by one they approached the gates and tried every key they possessed. All kinds of keys, latch keys, watch keys, cupboard keys, box keys were tried, but not one could be found that would open the lock. To make matters even more unbearable, the respectable Mayor, to whom, of course, every one looked for direction and advice in their trouble, was of no earthly use whatever 
DANGLING BY HIS LEGS
without his scout, upon whom he had so accustomed himself to rely, that he was perfectly helpless without him. His respectability, exert it as much as he would, made no difference of any kind upon the situation, except, perhaps, to place the poor man in everybody's way.
Bill returned to the King who, with the whole camp, was now wide awake, and wondering what on earth was taking place in the town. Bill at once hastened to explain the state of things, in the hope that the old man would at last give up all idea of the liquorice; but in this he was much mistaken, for, instead of replying to Bill, the grumpy old provoker turned sulky and would not say a word, so that there was nothing for the poor lad to do but to wait with what patience he could assume.
The day declined, with no lessening of the terrific din within the town, and the gates remained obstinately closed. As evening approached, little clouds of smoke, with now and again a spurt of flame, could be seen rising from the other side of the walls. Presently a single Killgrueller was observed upon the walls, from which he nimbly leapt to the ground on the outer side, and made off round the base of the mountains, in an opposite direction to the camp. Now another appeared and disappeared in the same way; then another and another, and yet another, and then families of two, three, and four. At last whole crowds came scrambling over the walls, and vanished in the same direction, all carrying as many of their belongings as they could conveniently bring along with them.
This went on until all the inhabitants, with the exception of the Mayor, had left the now blazing town, when he was seen standing alone upon the walls. Like the captain of a sinking ship, the noble fellow had waited until all had found safety before he sought it for himself. Bill hastened to assist him in his descent, and no sooner had the poor man reached the ground than Bill led him gently before the King and all the officers of the little army, who were assembled together The Respectable Gentleman
watching the flames, and besought him to give them some explanation of these truly unaccountable proceedings of the Killgruellers.
'Alas! and alack-a-day!' sighed the unfortunate gentleman, 'allow me first of all to put four questions to you. Firstly, What is the good of a locked lock without a key?'
They were all forced to admit that it was of no use whatever.
'Secondly, What is the good of a gate with a useless lock that won't unlock?'
No earthly use, all again admitted.
'Thirdly, What is the use of a town if you can't get into it?'
Of course, they all agreed there was only one answer to that.
'And now, fourthly and lastly,' said the Mayor, 'What do you do with all useless things?'
'Destroy them,' Bill promptly rejoined.
'Exactly,' said the Right Honourable Hesketh, 'and that is what we have done with our now useless town, and all the inhabitants are hastening to build another town on the further side of the mountain, the gates of which shall always be nailed open in order that such a dreadful calamity may not occur again.'
Bill somehow could not help thinking that there might have been another way out of the difficulty, but he did not like to say so. The old King at last realised that the Killgruel liquorice was not for him, so he offered no serious objections when Bill, early next morning, gave the necessary orders to pack up and prepare for the march, which they now resumed. The respectable gentleman preferred to remain with them rather than again face the unfortunate Killgruellers.
They had not advanced very far upon their road, when Bill, who generally walked a little in advance of his troop, heard a strange clanking noise that appeared to proceed from a tall tree at the wayside. Wondering what odd bird possessed such an unmusical song, he allowed his gaze to wander thoughtfully among the leaves when, suddenly, what should he behold but the form of the vanished scout, dangling by his legs from a branch, and every time the tree was gently stirred by the breeze, there came forth upon the air this weird sound.
Bill hastened to cut him down, but, to his unspeakable surprise, the unhappy young stripling cried, 'Don't, don't! the keys! the keys!' He then explained that when bidding farewell to them the other morning from the walls of Killgruel, in his excitement he had suddenly fallen back and swallowed the keys which, at the time, he had been holding between his teeth. Bill now recalled the strange cry that the poor lad had uttered as they left Killgruel on that occasion. However, in spite of his reluctance to be right side up again until he had recovered the keys. Bill insisted on fetching him down, and, in the severe struggle that ensued, the keys fell out of the boy's throat.
When at length the army came upon the scene, nothing could exceed the joy of the respectable Mayor at beholding his good attendant, whom he had despaired of ever seeing again. He easily persuaded the willing young creature to remain with him, and share the fortunes of the King of Troy, and thus, with this very welcome addition to their forces, the gallant band marched on.
