Familiar Colloquies/The Assembly of Grammarians
THE ASSEMBLY OF GRAMMARIANS.
Albinus, Bertulphus, Ctmthelus, Diphilus, Eumenius, Fabullus, Gaditanus.
Al. Is there anybody here that understands arithmetic? Be. For what ? Al. To cast up exactly how many grammarians there are of us. Be. That may be done without a counting- table ; we may count upon our fingers I count you upon my thumb, myself upon my fore finger, Canthelus upon my middle finger, Diphilus upon my ring finger, and Eumenius upon pay little finger ; and now I go to my left hand there I count Fabullus upon my thumb, and Gaditanus on my fore- finger, so that, unless I am out in my account, we are seven of us. But to what purpose is it for us to know that ? Al. Because, as I have heard, the number seven makes up a complete council. Be. What makes you talk of a council ? Al. There is a matter of moment that has puzzled me a long time, and not me alone, but a great many other men of no mean learning ; I will propose it that the question may be decided by the authority of this assembly. Ca. Sure it must be some knotty subject, that you cannot decide it yourself, Albinus; or that it should puzzle you that are of so penetrating a judgment. Therefore we desire to know what this difficult matter is. J speak in the name of all the rest.
Al. Well, then, do you all be very attentive, applying both your ears and your minds. Two heads are better than one. Is there any one of j r ou all that can explain what is the meaning of this word, antico- marita? Be. That is the easiest thing in the world, for it signifies a kind of a beet, which the ancients called a water-beet, having a knotty- wreathed stalk, very insipid, but of a very stinking smell if you touch it, so that it may vie with the bean-cod tree. Ca. A natatile beet, do 314 FAMILIAR COLLOQUIES. you say ? Nay, rather a cacatile beast. Who ever heard of, or ever read the name of a swimming beet 1 Be. Yes, Mammotrectus (as he is corruptly called), which should be pronounced Mammothreptos, as though you should say his grandmother's darling, has made this as plain as the nose on a man's face. Al. What sort of a title is that ? Be. This is to give you to understand that there is nothing in the book bxit darling things, because mammas, i.e., grandmothers, are wont to be more fond of their grandchildren than their mothers themselves are of O their own children. Al. You talk of a darling work indeed. I happened lately to dip into this book ; I even burst my sides with laughing. Co,. Where did you get that book ? it is very scarce. Be. Being at dinner at Bruges, LiviniuSj the abbot of Bavo, carried me into his private library, which the old gentleman had furnished with scarce books at a vast expense, being desirous to leave some monument of himself to posterity. There was not a book but what was a manuscript, and upon vellum too, and illuminated with various pictures, and bound in velvet, and embossed ' with gold ; and besides, there being a vast number of them, they made a very stately show. Al. What books were they ] Be. They were all excellent books. There was the Catholicon, Brachylogis, and Ovid expounded allegorically, and abundance of others ; and among them I found this facetious book Mammothreptus. And among the rest of the curiosities I found also this natatile beet. I will relate to you what I read; as for the truth of it, let the author be answerable for that. Forasmuch-, says he, as it grows in wet stinking places, and thrives nowhere so well as in mud, or a dunghill, saving your reverence, sir Al. Therefore it stinks, does it? Be. Ay, worse than a turd. Al. Is this herb good for anything? Be. Yes, it is accounted a great delicacy. Al. Perhaps by swine> or asses, or Cyprian cows. Be. Nay, by men themselves, and very fine-mouthed ones too. There is a people called the Peligni who make their dinners of an extraordi- nary length, and the parting glass they call a resumpta in their lan- guage, as we call it a dessert or kickshaws. AL Fine desserts, indeed ! Be. The law of the entertainment is, that the entertainer shall have the liberty of having what he will brought to the table; and it is not allowed that the guest should refuse anything, but must take all well. Al. What if they should have henbane, or twice-boiled coleworts, set before them 1 Be. Let it be what it will) they must eat it, and not speak a word against it j but when they come home, they are at liberty to vomit it up again if they please. And in their entertainments one dish is commonly this water-beet, or anticomarita, for it matters not which name you call it by, the thing is the same. They mix a great deal of oak-bark and a' good quantity of garlic with it. And this is the composition of the tansey. Al. Who made this barbarous law 1 Be. Custom, the most mighty of tyrants. Al. You tell me a story of a tragical conclusion, which has such a nauseous ending. Be. I have given my solution of the question, not imposing it upon anybody, nor to prevent anybody who has a mind to offer theirs. Ca. I have found out that the ancients had a fish that they called anticomarita. Be. What author is that in ? Ca. I can produce the book, but I cannot tell the author's name ; it is written in French THE ASSEMBLY OF GRAMMARIANS. 315 words, but in the Hebrew character. Be. What is the shape of this fish called anticomarita ? Ca. The belly is white, but all over every- where else it has black scales. Be. I fancy you have a mind of this fish to make a cynic with a cloak ; what taste has it? Co,. It has the nastiest taste in the world ; and besides that, it is infectious too. It breeds in old lakes, and sometimes in houses of office. It is a good-for- nothing muddy fish ; if you put but a bit of it into your mouth, it causes a certain tough phlegm that you can hardly bring up by taking a vomit. It is very common in the country called Celtithrace ; they esteem it as a delicacy, and at the same time account it a more detesta- ble crime than murder to taste a bit of flesh. Al. A very wretched country with their anticomarita 1 Ca. This is what I have to say, but I would not have anybody to be determined by my opinion. Di. What occasion have we to fetch the explanation of this word from Mammothreptus's or Hebrew writings, when the very etymology of the word shews plainly that anticomarita signifies dam- sels unhappily married, that is to say, to old husbands 1 And it is no new thing for writers to write co instead of quo; c, q, and k are cog- nate letters. En. What Diphilus has mentioned carries something of weight with it, if we were sure the word was a Latin one. I take it to be a Greek word, and a compound of these three, aim, which signi- fies against ; tto/ji) which signifies a town ; and 6api%uv, which signi- fies to tattle like a woman ; and so by striking out o by the figure synalsepha, it is anticomarita, one who by clownish prating makes everybody deaf. Fa. My Eumenius has made it out very elaborately; but in my opinion the word is composed of as many words as it has syllables ; for av stands for CLVOVQ, TI for TIWV, KU> for KoiSm, a for /uoAa, and pv for pVTrapa (for it is an error to write it with an t) and TCI for raAac; and out of these is formed this sentence, A mad, wretched person, pulling the hairs out of a rotten hide. Al. Indeed, such food as a water-beet was very fit for such a workman as Bertulphus was speaking of just now. Be. That is as much as to say an anticomarita for an anticomarita. Ga. You have all spoken very learnedly to the matter, but I am of opinion that a disobedient wife is called anticomarita by the figure syncope, for antidicomarita, because she always crosses her husband, Al. If we allow of such tropes, we might of a turd make a bird, and of a cook a cuckoo. Be. But Albinus, who is the chief of this assembly, has not given his opinion yet. Al. I have, indeed, nothing of my own to offer ; but, however, I shall not think much to acquaint you with what I lately learned from my landlord, who was a very talkative man ; he used to change his discourse oftener than a nightingale does her note. He asserted it was a Chaldee word, compounded of three words. That among the Chaldeans, anti signified cross-grained, or brain-sick ; and comer, a rock ; and ita, belonging to a shoemaker. Be. Who ever said that a rock had brains 1 AL There is no absurdity in that, if you do but change the gender. Ga. This synod makes the old proverb good, " So many men, so many minds." But what conclusion are we come to 1 The opinions may be summed up, but cannot be divided, so that the major part may carry it against the minor. Al. Well, then, let the better overcome the worse. Ga. But we must have another assembly to do that ; for every man's own geese are swans. Al. If that proverb held good, we should not have so many adulteries as we have. But I can advise you to an expeditious method. Let us cast lots whose opinion of all of them shall be allowed to be determinative. Ca. That lot will fall upon yourself. Have not I spoken the truth? Al. I approve best of the first and of the last. Ca. If I may speak for the rest, we all agree. Al. Well, then, let it go for authentic. Ca. Let it be so. A I. If anybody shall dissent, what shall be the penalty 1 Ca. Let him be set down in great letters, A HERETIC IN GRAMMAR. Al. I will add very fortunately one thing, that in my opinion ought not to be omitted. Having received it from a Syrian physician, I will communicate it to my friends. Be. What is it ? Al. If you pound a water-beet, an oak-gall, and some shoemaker's ink in a mortar, and sprinkle with it six ounces of copper, and make it into a poultice, it will be a present remedy for the mange and measles in hogs. Be. But, hark you, Albinus, you that have helped iis all to this job of the anticomarita, what author did you read it in ? Al. I will tell you, but in your ear, and but one of you. Be. Well, I will receive it, but upon this condition, that I may whisper it in the ear of one person too. A I. But one repeated often enough will make a thousand. Be. You say right, when you have once a couple, it is not in your power to stop it from going farther. A I. That which a few know may be kept a secret, but that which a great many know cannot ; three makes a multitude. Be. Right, he that has three wives at the same time, may be said to have many ; but he that has but three hairs upon his head, or three teeth in his mouth, may be said to have a few or none. Al. Mind, sophist. Be. What strange story is this ? This is as absurd as if the Greeks who earned so many fleets to conquer Troy should not be able to call it by its name, but instead of Troy should say Sutrium. Al. But this is a rabbin that is lately come down from heaven, who, unless he had, like a present deity, lent his assistance in sustaining human affairs, we had long ere now been at a loss to find either men, religion, philosophy, or letters. Be. In troth, he ought to be one of Moria's noblemen of the first rank, and deserves for the future to be called Archirnorita (an arch-fool), with his anticomaritas.