Fashion (Anna Cora Mowatt)/Act III

by Anna Cora Mowatt

ACT III

Scene I

(Mrs. Tiffany's Parlor. Enter Mrs. Tiffany, R. I E., followed by Mr. Tiffany.)

Mr. Tiffany

Your extravagance will ruin me, Mrs. Tiffany!

Mrs. Tiffany

And your stinginess will ruin me, Mr. Tiffany! It is totally and toot a fate impossible to convince you of the necessity of keeping up appearances. There is a certain display which every woman of fashion is forced to make!

Mr. Tiffany

And pray who made you a woman of fashion?

Mrs. Tiffany

What a vulgar question! All women of fashion, Mr. Tiffany--

Mr. Tiffany

In this land are self-constituted, like you, Madam--and fashion is the cloak for more sins than charity ever covered! It was for fashion's sake that you insisted upon my purchasing this expensive house--it was for fashion's sake that you ran me in debt at every exorbitant upholsterer's and extravagant furniture warehouse in the city--it was for fashion's sake that you built that ruinous conservatory--hired more servants than they have persons to wait upon--and dressed your footman like a harlequin!

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Tiffany, you are thoroughly plebeian, and insufferably American, in your grovelling ideas! And, pray, what was the occasion of these very mal-ap-pro-pos remarks? Merely because I requested a paltry fifty dollars to purchase a new style of head-dress--a bijou of an article just introduced in France.

Mr. Tiffany

Time was, Mrs. Tiffany, when you manufactured your own French head-dresses--took off their first gloss at the public balls, and then sold them to your shortest-sighted customers. And all you knew about France, or French either, was what you spelt out at the bottom of your fashion plates--but now you have grown so fashionable, forsooth, that you have forgotten how to speak your mother tongue!

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Tiffany, Mr. Tiffany! Nothing is more positively vulgarian--more unaristocratic than any allusion to the past!

Mr. Tiffany

Why I thought, my dear, that aristocrats lived principally upon the past--and traded in the market of fashion with the bones of their ancestors for capital?

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Tiffany, such vulgar remarks are only suitable to the counting house, in my drawing room you should--

Mr. Tiffany

Vary my sentiments with my locality, as you change your manners with your dress!

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Tiffany, I desire that you will purchase Count d'Orsay's "Science of Etiquette," and learn how to conduct yourself--especially before you appear at the grand ball, which I shall give on Friday!

Mr. Tiffany

Confound your balls, Madam; they make footballs of my money, while you dance away all that I am worth! A pretty time to give a ball when you know that I am on the very brink of bankruptcy!

Mrs. Tiffany

So much the greater reason that nobody should suspect your circumstances, or you would lose your credit at once. Just at this crisis a ball is absolutely necessary to save your reputation! There is Mrs. Adolphus Dashaway--she gave the most splendid fjte of the season--and I hear on very good authority that her husband has not paid his baker's bill in three months. Then there was Mrs. Honeywood--

Mr. Tiffany

Gave a ball the night before her husband shot himself--perhaps you wish to drive me to follow his example?

(crosses R. L. H.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Good gracious! Mr. Tiffany, how you talk! I beg you won't mention anything of the kind. I consider black the most unbecoming color. I'm sure I've done all that I could to gratify you. There is that vulgar old torment, Trueman, who gives one the lie fifty times a day--haven't I been very civil to him?

Mr. Tiffany

Civil to his wealth, Mrs. Tiffany! I told you that he was a rich, old farmer--the early friend of my father my own benefactor--and that I had reason to think he might assist me in my present embarrassments. Your civility was bought--and like most of your own purchases has yet to be paid for.

(crosses to R. H.)

Mrs. Tiffany

And will be, no doubt! The condescension of a woman of fashion should command any price. Mr. Trueman is insupportably indecorous--he has insulted Count Jolimaitre in the most outrageous manner. If the Count was not so deeply interested--so abimi with Seraphina, I am sure he would never honor us by his visits again!

Mr. Tiffany

So much the better--he shall never marry my daughter!--I am resolved on that. Why, Madam, I am told there is in Paris a regular matrimonial stock company, who fit out indigent dandies for this market. How do I know but this fellow is one of its creatures, and that he has come here to increase its dividends by marrying a fortune?

Mrs. Tiffany

Nonsense, Mr. Tiffany. The Count, the most fashionable young man in all New York--the intimate friend of all the dukes and lords in Europe--not marry my daughter? Not permit Seraphina to become a Countess? Mr. Tiffany, you are out of your senses!

Mr. Tiffany

That would not be very wonderful, considering how many years I have been united to you, my dear. Modern physicians pronounce lunacy infectious!

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Tiffany, he is a man of fashion--

Mr. Tiffany

Fashion makes fools, but cannot feed them. By the bye, I have a request,--since you are bent upon ruining me by this ball, and there is no help for it,--I desire that you will send an invitation to my confidential clerk, Mr. Snobson.

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Snobson! Was there ever such an you-nick demand! Mr. Snobson would cut a pretty figure amongst my fashionable friends! I shall do no such thing, Mr. Tiffany.

Mr. Tiffany

Then, Madam, the ball shall not take place. Have I not told you that I am in the power of this man? That there are circumstances which it is happy for you that you do not know--which you cannot comprehend,--but which render it essential that you should be civil to Mr. Snobson? Not you merely, but Seraphina also? He is a more appropriate match for her than your foreign favorite.

Mrs. Tiffany

A match for Seraphina, indeed! (crosses) Mr. Tiffany, you are determined to make a fow pas.

Mr. Tiffany

Mr. Snobson intends calling this morning.

(crosses to L. H.)

Mrs. Tiffany

But, Mr. Tiffany, this is not reception day--my drawing-rooms are in the most terrible disorder--

Mr. Tiffany

Mr. Snobson is not particular--he must be admitted.

(Enter Zeke, L.)

Zeke

Mr. Snobson.

(Enter Snobson, L.; exit Zeke, L.)

Snobson

How dye do, Marm? (crosses to C.) How are you? Mr. Tiffany, your most!--

Mrs. Tiffany

(formally) Bung jure. Comment vow porth, Monsur Snobson?

Snobson

Oh, to be sure--very good of you--fine day.

Mrs. Tiffany

(pointing to a chair with great dignity) Sassoyez vow, Monsur Snobson.

Snobson

I wonder what she's driving at? I ain't up to the fashionable lingo yet! (aside) Eh? what? Speak a little louder, Marm?

Mrs. Tiffany

What ignorance! (aside)

Mr. Tiffany

I presume Mrs. Tiffany means that you are to take a seat.

Snobson

Ex-actly--very obliging of her--so I will. (sits) No ceremony amonst friends, you know--and likely to be nearer--you understand? O. K., all correct. How is Seraphina?

Mrs. Tiffany

Miss Tiffany is not visible this morning. (retires up.)

Snobson

Not visible? (jumping up, crosses, R.) I suppose that's the English for can't see her? Mr. Tiffany, Sir (walking up to him) what am I to understand by this de-fal-ca-tion, Sir? I expected your word to be as good as your bond--beg pardon, Sir--I mean better--considerably better--no humbug about it, Sir.

Mr. Tiffany

Have patience, Mr. Snobson. (rings bell)

(Enter Zeke, L.)

Zeke, desire my daughter to come here.

Mrs. Tiffany

(coming down, C.) Adolph--I say, Adolph--

(Zeke straightens himself and assumes foppish airs, as he turns to Mrs. Tiffany.)

Mr. Tiffany

Zeke.

Zeke

Don't know any such nigga, Boss.

Mr. Tiffany

Do as I bid you instantly, or off with your livery and quit the house!

Zeke

Wheugh! I'se all dismission!

(exit, R.)

Mrs. Tiffany

A-dolph, A-dolph! (calling after him)

Snobson

I brought the old boy to his bearings, didn't I though! Pull that string, and he is sure to work right. (aside) Don't make any stranger of me, Marm--I'm quite at home. If you've got any odd jobs about the house to do up, I shan't miss you. I'll amuse myself with Seraphina when she comes--we'll get along very cosily by ourselves.

Mrs. Tiffany

Permit we to inform you, Mr. Snobson, that a French mother never leaves her daughter alone with a young man--she knows your sex too well for that!

Snobson

Very dis-obliging of her--but as we're none French--

Mrs. Tiffany

You have yet to learn, Mr. Snobson, that the American ee-light--the aristocracy--the how-ton--as a matter of conscience, scrupulously follow the foreign fashions.

Snobson

Not when they are foreign to their interests, Marm--for instance--(enter Seraphina, R.) There you are at last, eh, Miss? How dye do! Ma said you weren't visible. Managed to get a peep at her, eh, Mr. Tiffany?

Seraphina Tiffany

I heard you were here, Mr. Snobson, and came without even arranging my toilette; you will excuse my negligence?

Snobson

Of everything but me, Miss.

Seraphina Tiffany

I shall never have to ask your pardon for that, Mr. Snobson.

Mrs. Tiffany

Seraphina--child--really--

(as she is approaching Seraphina, Mr. Tiffany plants himself in front of his wife.)

Mr. Tiffany

Walk this way, Madam, if you please. To see that she fancies the surly fellow takes a weight from my heart. (aside)

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Tiffany, it is highly improper and not at all distingi to leave a young girl--

(Enter Zeke, L.)

Zeke

Mr. Count Jolly-made-her!

Mrs. Tiffany

Good gracious! The Count--Oh, dear!--Seraphina, run and change your dress,--no there's not

time! A-dolph, admit him.

(Exit Zeke, L.)

Mr. Snobson, get out of the way, will you? Mr. Tiffany, what are you doing at home at this hour ?

(Enter Count Jolimaitre, L., ushered by Zeke.)

Zeke

Dat's de genuine article ob a gemman. (aside)

(Exit, L.)

Mrs. Tiffany

My dear Count, I am overjoyed at the very sight of you.

Count Jolimaitre

Flattered myself you'd be glad to see me, Madam--knew it was not your jour de reception.

Mrs. Tiffany

But for you, Count, all days--

Count Jolimaitre

I thought so. Ah, Miss Tiffany, on my honor you're looking beautiful. (crosses R.)

Seraphina Tiffany

Count, flattery from you--

Snobson

What? Eh? What's that you say?

Seraphina Tiffany

Nothing but what etiquette requires. (aside to him.)

Count Jolimaitre

(regarding Mr. Tiffany through his eye glass) Your worthy Papa, I believe? Sir, your most obedient.

(Mr. Tiffany bows coldly; Count regards Snobson through his glass, shrugs his shoulders and turns away.)

Snobson

(to Mrs. Tiffany) Introduce me, will you? I never knew a Count in all my life--what a strange-looking, animal!

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Snobson, it is not the fashion to introduce in France!

Snobson

But, Marm, we're in America. (Mrs. T. crosses to Count, R.) The woman thinks she's somewhere else than where she is--she wants to make an alibi? (aside)

Mrs. Tiffany

I hope that we shall have the pleasure of seeing you on Friday evening, Count?

Count Jolimaitre

Really, madam, my invitations--my engagements--so numerous--I can hardly answer for myself: and you Americans take offence so easily--

Mrs. Tiffany

But, Count, everybody expects you at our ball--you are the principal attraction--

Seraphina Tiffany

Count, you must come!

Count Jolimaitre

Since you insist--aw--aw--there's no resisting you, Miss Tiffany.

Mrs. Tiffany

I am so thankful. How can I repay your condescension! (Count and Seraphina converse) Mr Snobson, will you walk this way?--I have such a cactus in full bloom--remarkable flower! Mr. Tiffany, pray come here--I have something particular to say.

Mr. Tiffany

Then speak out, my dear--I thought it was highly improper just now to leave a girl with a young man? (aside to her.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh, but the Count--that is different!

Mr. Tiffany

I suppose you mean to say there's nothing of the man about him?

(Enter Millinette, L., with a scarf in her hand.)

Millinette

Adolph tell me he vas here. (aside) Pardon, Madame, I bring dis scarf for Mademoiselle.

Mrs. Tiffany

Very well, Millinette; you know best what is proper for her to wear.

(Mr. and Mrs. Tiffany and Snobson retire up; she engages the attention of both gentlemen.)

(Millinette crosses L., towards Seraphina, gives the Count a threatening look, and commences arranging the scarf over Seraphina's shoulders.)

Millinette

Mademoiselle, permettez-moi. Perfide! (aside to Count) If Mademoiselle vil stand tranquille one petit moment. (turns Seraphina's back to the Count, and pretends to arrange the scarf) I must speak vid you to-day, or I tell all--you find me at de foot of de stair ven you go. Prend garde! (aside to Count)

Seraphina Tiffany

What is that you say, Millinette?

Millinette

Dis scarf make you so very beautiful, Mademoiselle--Je vous salue, mes dames. (curtsies)

(exit, L.)

Count Jolimaitre

Not a moment to lose! (aside) Miss Tiffany, I have an unpleasant--a particularly unpleasant piece of intelligence--you see, I have just received a letter from my friend--the--aw--the Earl of Airshire; the truth is, the Earl's daughter--beg you won't mention it--has distinguished me by a tender penchant.

Seraphina Tiffany

I understand--and they wish you to return and marry the young lady; but surely you will not leave, us, Count?

Count Jolimaitre

If you bid me stay--I shouldn't have the conscience--I couldn't afford to tear myself away. I'm sure that's honest (aside)

Seraphina Tiffany

Oh, Count!

Count Jolimaitre

Say but one word--say that you shouldn't mind being made a Countess--and I'll break with the Earl tomorrow.

Seraphina Tiffany

Count, this surprise--but don't think of leaving the country, Count--we could not pass the time without you! I--yes--yes, Count--I do consent!

Count Jolimaitre

I thought she would! (aside, while he embraces her) Enchanted, rapture, bliss, ecstacy, and all that sort of thing--words can't express it, but you understand. But it must be kept a secret--positively it must! If the rumour of our engagement were whispered abroad--the Earl's daughter--the delicacy, of my situation, aw--you comprehend? It is even possible that our nuptials, my charming Miss Tiffany, our nuptials must take place in private!

Seraphina Tiffany

Oh, that is quite impossible!

Count Jolimaitre

It's the latest fashion abroad--the very latest! Ah, I knew that would determine you. Can I depend on your secrecy?

Seraphina Tiffany

Oh, yes! Believe me.

Snobson

(coming forward in spite of Mrs. Tiffany's efforts to detain him) Why Seraphina, haven't you a word to throw to a dog?

Mr. Tiffany

I shouldn't think she had after wasting so many upon a puppy. (aside)

(Enter Zeke, L., wearing a three-cornered hat.)

Zeke

Missus, de bran new carriage am below.

Mrs. Tiffany

Show it up,--I mean, Very well, A-dolph.

(Exit Zeke, L.)

Count, my daughter and I are about to take an airing in our new voyture,--will you honor us with your company?

Count Jolimaitre

Madam, I--I have a most pressing engagement. A letter to write to the Earl of Airshire--who is at present residing in the Isle of Skye. I must bid you good morning.

Mrs. Tiffany

Good morning, Count.

(Exit Count, L.)

Snobson

I'm quite at leisure, (crosses to Mrs. T.) Marm. Books balanced--ledger closed--nothing to do all the afternoon,--I'm for you.

Mrs. Tiffany

(without noticing him) Come, Seraphina, come! (as they are going Snobson follows them.)

Snobson

But Marm--I was saying, Marm, I am quite at leisure--not a thing to do; have I, Mr. Tiffany?

Mrs. Tiffany

Seraphina, child--your red shawl--remember-- -Mr. Snobson, bon swear!

(Exit, L., leading Seraphina.)

Snobson

Swear! Mr. Tiffany, Sir, am I to be fobbed off with a bon swear ? D-n it, I will swear!

Mr. Tiffany

Have patience, Mr. Snobson, if you will accompany me to the counting house--

Snobson

Don't count too much on me, Sir. I'll make up no more accounts until these are settled! I'll run down and jump into the carriage in spite of her bon swear.

(Exit, L.)

Mr. Tiffany

You'll jump into a hornet's nest, if you do! Mr. Snobson, Mr. Snobson! (Exit after him.)

Scene II

(Housekeeper's Room. Enter Millinette, R.)

Millinette

I have set dat bjte, Adolph, to vatch for him. He say he would come back so soon as Madame's voiture drive from de door. If he not come--but he vill--he vill--he bien etourdi, but he have bon coeur.

(Enter Count, L.)

Count Jolimaitre

Ah! Millinette, my dear, you see what a good-natured dog I am to fly at your bidding--

Millinette

Fly? Ah! trompeur! Vat for you fly from Paris? Vat for you leave me--and I love you so much? Ven you sick--you almost die--did I not stay by you--take care of you--and you have no else friend? Vat for you leave Paris?

Count Jolimaitre

Never allude to disagreeable subjects, mon enfant! I was forced by uncontrollable circumstances to fly to the land of liberty--

Millinette

Vat you do vid all de money I give you? The last sou I had--did I not give you?

Count Jolimaitre

I dare say you did, ma petite--wish you'd been better supplied! (aside) Don't ask any questions here--can't explain now--the next time we meet--

Millinette

But, ah! ven shall ve meet--ven? You not deceive me, not any more.

Count Jolimaitre

Deceive you! I'd rather deceive myself--I wish I could! I'd persuade myself you were once more washing linen in the Seine! (aside)

Millinette

I vil tell you ven ve shall meet--On Friday night Madame give one grand ball--you come sans doute--den ven de supper is served--de Americans tink of noting else ven de supper come--den you steal out of de room, and you find me here--and you give me one grand explanation!

(Enter Gertrude, R., unperceived.)

Count Jolimaitre

Friday night--while supper is serving--parole d'honneur I will be here--I will explain every thing--my sudden departure from Paris--my--demme, my countship--every thing! Now let me go--if any of the family should discover us--

Gertrude

(who during the last speech has gradually advanced, L.) They might discover more than you think it advisable for them to know!

Count Jolimaitre

The devil!

Millinette

Mon Dieu! Mademoiselle Gertrude!

Count Jolimaitre

(recovering himself) My dear Miss Gertrude, let me explain--aw--aw--nothing is more natural than the situation in which you find me--

Gertrude

I am inclined to believe that, Sir.

Count Jolimaitre

Now--'pon my honor, that's not fair. Here is Millinette will bear witness to what I am about to say--

Gertrude

Oh, I have not the slightest doubt of that, Sir.

Count Jolimaitre

You see, Millinette happened to be lady's-maid in the family of--of--the Duchess Chateau D'Espague--and I chanced to be a particular friend of the Duchess--very particular I assure you! Of course I saw Millinette, and she, demme, she saw me! Didn't you, Millinette?

Millinette

Oh! oui--Mademoiselle I knew him ver vell.

Count Jolimaitre

Well, it is a remarkable fact that--being in correspondence with this very Duchess--at this very time--

Gertrude

That is sufficient, Sir--I am already so well acquainted with your extraordinary talents for improvisation, that I will not further tax your invention--

Millinette

Ah! Mademoiselle Gertrude do not betray us--have pity!

Count Jolimaitre

(assuming an air of dignity) Silence, Millinette! My word has been doubted--the word of a nobleman! I will inform my friend, Mrs. Tiffany, of this young person's audacity. (going)

Gertrude

His own weapons alone can foil this villain! (aside) Sir--Sir--Count! (at the last word the Count turns) Perhaps, Sir, the least said about this matter the better!

Count Jolimaitre

(delightedly) The least said? We won't say anything at all. She's coming round--couldn't resist me! (aside) Charming Gertrude--

Millinette

Quoi? Vat that you say?

Count Jolimaitre

My sweet, adorable Millinette, hold your tongue, will you? (aside to her)

Millinette

(aloud) No, I vill not! If you do look so from out your eyes at her again, I vill tell all!

Count Jolimaitre

Oh, I never could manage two women at once,--jealousy makes the dear creatures so spiteful. The only valor is in flight! (aside) Miss Gertrude, I wish you good morning. Millinette, mon enfant, adieu.

(Exit, L.)

Millinette

But I have one word more to say. Stop, Stop!

(exit after him.)

Gertrude

(musingly) Friday night, while supper is serving, he is to meet Millinette here and explain--what? This man is an impostor ? His insulting me--his familiarity with Millinette--his whole conduct--prove it. If I tell Mrs. Tiffany this she will disbelieve me, and one word may place this so-called Count on his guard. To convince Seraphina would be equally difficult, and her rashness and infatuation may render her miserable for life. No--she shall be saved! I must devise some plan for opening their eyes. Truly, if I cannot invent one, I shall be the first woman who was ever at a loss for a stratagem--especially to punish a villain or to shield a friend. (Exit, R.)

End of ACT III.