Getting a Ticket
A
Paramount
Picture
Adolph Zukor & Jesse L. Lasky
present
Eddie Cantor
in
Getting A Ticket
DIRECTED BY
Copyright MCMXXIX By U.M.&M. TV Corp.
All Rights Reserved
Judge
You are charged here with disorderly conduct. You were found making violent love to this woman in the park. What have you to say for yourself?
Eddie Cantor
Well I admit it your honor. I was making love to this woman in the park. But it's perfectly all right, she's my wife, here's our marriage certificate!
Judge
Case dismissed.
Cantor
Honey, I'll come home just as soon as the radiator stops knocking.
Cantor's wife
Goodbye.
Policeman
Say, um, I'm sorry that I arrested you, I didn't know that was your wife.
Cantor
Neither did I until you put the flashlight in her face.
Policeman
Woah, by there!
Policeman
Oh, so it's you again.
Cantor
Hello.
Policeman
Where's the fire?
Cantor
I don't smell anything.
Policeman
Do you know you were burning up the road, going fifty-five miles an hour?
Cantor
Why, I haven't been on an hour!
Policeman
Come on, get out of that car.
Cantor
I can't.
Policeman
Can't, why not?
Cantor
I've got my foot on the brake.
Policeman
Come on, get out.
Policeman
Now, what's that?
Cantor
My laundry.
Policeman
Your laundry, huh?
Cantor
My wet wash.
Policeman
Say, this is whisky!
Cantor
Didn't take you long to find out.
Policeman
Boy, that stuff will make you blind!
Cantor
Hm-hm. You look a little cock-eyed already.
Policeman
Know what I'm gonna do with this?
Cantor
You've been doing it! You've been doing it!
Policeman
I'm going to confiscate it.
Cantor
Well... confiscated.
Policeman
Hey hey, wait a minute.
I'm not forgetting I gotta give you a ticket.
You got a pen?
Cantor
With my own gun he kills me.
Policeman
Where's your license?
Cantor
Well officer, I've got a surprise for you.
I ain't got a license.
Policeman
You haven't?
Cantor
I'll be all right, I'll be all right.
Policeman
Boy, you're a beauty. Where do you live?
Cantor
We moved.
Policeman
From where?
Cantor
Uh, near my aunt's house. Well you see, my aunt lived a little bit away from where we used to live. She's a widow. Her husband died. That's how she came to be a widow.
Cantor
The stock market didn't kill him. No, he's one that the stock market didn't kill. He died in September, B.C., Before the Crash. Very sick man. He had diabetes at forty-five. That's nothing; I had Chrysler at 110!
Cantor
And you know, he didn't leave my aunt very much money. He had a bad business. He was a southern planter. An Atlanta undertaker. And, my aunt used to come to my house very often. And, she used to say to me, "would you all like to come to a picnic?" You know, that's how the Southerners speak, "you all". From the south of Russia.
Cantor
And I said, "yeah, I'd like to go". And she said "bring your own food". She always used to say that. My uncle taught her, that people should bring their own—they were very stingy. In fact, they used to make their children eat in front of the mirror, so they think they're getting twice as much.
Cantor
Well anyway, I brought along hot boiled eggs to the picnic. The reason why I brought 'em, the hard boiled eggs, was because I like it. Funny, isn't it? So, when we got out to the picnic, I couldn't wait. You know, because ants get around. I don't mean my—so, I said, "do you mind if we eat right away" and my aunt said "no, go ahead". So I said, "Grace" (that's her name), I said "Grace, I'm gonna eat my eggs right away". And when I started to peel the eggs, I looked around for salt, and I said "anybody bring salt?" And would you believe it? No one had brought any salt.
Cantor
So I ate the eggs without salt, and it really wasn't bad. It's a small world, isn't it? I'll see you again sometime.
Policeman
Hey hey hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. What's that got to do with me giving you a ticket?
Now I want to know where you live now.
Cantor
Oh, well I, it's a one-way street. I forget.
Policeman
Well will a twenty-dollar fine help you to remember?
Cantor
Would a ten-dollar bill help you to forget?
Policeman
Is that a bribe?
Cantor
No, it's an offer.
Policeman
Well, cut it out, cut it out!
Cantor
Oh, well, here.
Policeman
I said "cut it out"!
Cantor
Oh, I thought you said "get it out"!
Both
Oooh!
Cantor
Well, so you're not an elk.
Policeman
What's your name?
Cantor
Eddie Cantor.
Policeman
You're not Eddie Cantor the actor?
Cantor
Well I'm not Eddie cantor the manicurist...
Policeman
You got any means of identification?
Cantor
Yeah, I've got a scar, right here.
Policeman
Never mind the scar.
I mean, have you got any letters on you, any papers?
Cantor
Well what am I, a file?
That kinda bulges out of your pocket.
Policeman
Now listen. If you're Cantor the actor, let me hear you sing one of his songs!
Cantor
All right, I'll tell you one. So look.
I've got a photograph here, and one of my records. I'll play you one of the records, all right?
Policeman
Ah, no you don't. I want to hear you sing in person.
Cantor
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll put on one of my records, and I'll sing with it, and you won't be able to tell the difference. All right?
Policeman
Okay.
Cantor
See ya. Here we go!
Cantor
Listen!
Cantor
Policeman
Boy, that's good. You're Cantor all right. Well, there's your ticket.
Cantor
For speeding?
Policeman
No; for disturbing the peace.
A
Paramount
Picture
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1, 1930.
Copyright law abroad tends to consider the following people authors of a film:
- The principal director
- The screenwriter, and/or other writers of dialogue
- The composer/lyricist (if the film is accompanied by sound)
- The cinematographer
- By extension, the authors of any works that may serve as the basis for a film's plot
The longest-living of these authors died in 1956, so this work is in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 68 years or less. This work may be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works.
Public domainPublic domainfalsefalse