Heliogabalus (A Buffoonery in Three Acts)/Act 3

by Henry Louis Mencken and George Jean Nathan

ACT III

ACT III

The next night.

A corridor in the palace. It stretches longitudinally across the stage and is rather narrow. In the wall to the back there is a wide and high arch, covered with heavy hangings of imperial purple, showing two large embroidered H's, with wreaths above them, in gold. The solid wall of the corridor, seen to the two sides of the central hangings, is of coloured marble. The hangings conceal the state banquet hall, and the corridor is the emperor's means of getting to the latter from his private apartments. All decorations are simple, but of the utmost richness.

During the whole act, down to the last scene, sounds of revelry come from the banquet hall—laughter, music and the clinking of goblets—now faintly and now loudly. As the curtain rises Piso and Polorus enter, followed by a slave pushing their rolling table of medicines and instruments. They are in long white tunics, reaching below the knees, and with short sleeves—the early Roman equivalent of modern operating gowns.

PISO

[To the slave] Here, Ambrose, shove it to this side.

[The slave runs the table to the left, halts it by the back wall, and exits]

POLORUS

[Officiously] Where is the headache powder?

PISO

[Reaching to the shelf beneath the table, he brings up a huge blue bottle] Here you are. Do you think we have enough?

POLORUS

It's enough to kill them, but I doubt that it's enough to cure them, once they get started.

PISO

Well, if we run out of it, we can give them some cholera mixture. They'll never know the difference.

POLORUS

[Busily arranging the bottles] All this does me good, my boy. It makes me young again.

PISO

Do you think the moral movement is really over?

POLORUS

If it isn't, then why this good old-fashioned banquet? Why all the old crowd? Why all the old girls? I suspect that Paula arranged the whole thing. Have you seen the list of guests?

PISO

No.

POLORUS

Well, not a tank is missing. Every zinc-lined stomach and copper-plated kidney in Rome is here. By the way, have we got enough stomach-pumps?

PISO

[Indicating them] Here are six.

POLORUS

Maybe that will be enough. [He roots among the medicines] I have a feeling that this will finish the Christian wife. She'll never stand for an old-time banquet.

PISO

Then let us thank all the gods. If Christianity ever actually got on its legs, the doctoring business would go to pot. All this praying and fasting and going to bed at ten o'clock is fatal to pathology. The aim of medicine is to save a man from the just consequences of his own vices. If he gives up his vices, then—

POLORUS

But he never does. All he ever comes to is the exchange of one vice for another. This praying that you mention is a vice. Fasting is a vice. Going to bed at ten o'clock is a vice.

PISO

Maybe so. But I am speaking medically. The medicine that we studied was designed for certain ends. It supposes the existence of certain vices. You and I know, for example, how to treat a man who has eaten too much or who hasn't had sleep enough. But what of the man who has fasted, and at the same time got too much sleep? There you stand medicine on its head. And I am too old to learn it all over again.

POLORUS

[Argumentatively] You make imaginary difficulties, Dr. Piso. Simply give him a dose of salts, say I, and trust to luck. You talk as if a physician had to cure his patient. Nonsense. All he has to do is to try to cure him.

PISO

[Bridling] Is that so? Then how do you—

[He is cut short by the entrance of Caius Macrinus from the left. Caius lumbers toward Piso and is seen to be already far gone in liquor]

CAIUS

Say, Doctor—

PISO

Why, Commander! What brings you here?

CAIUS

Ain't this the night of the banquet? I thought this was the night of the banquet. If this ain't the night of the banquet, then I—

PISO

Of course it is. But how did you get here?

CAIUS

Ain't this the palace? I thought this was the palace. I saw a lot of girls going in the basement and so I thought it was the palace.

PISO

So it is. But this is the Emperor's private corridor. You ought to have gone the other way, through the atrium.

CAIUS

Excuse me, gentleman. I apologize. [He attempts a right-about-face] Which way did you say? I thought I was in the palace. I saw a lot of cuties going into the basement and so I thought it was the palace. [Suddenly pulling himself up] But say, Doctor, I knew I wanted to see you about something. You are Dr. Piso, ain't you?

PISO

I am the Dr. Piso.

CAIUS

I remember you that time I had that carbuncle. Where was it? Somewhere in Gaul. My, my! How the years do skip along! Here it's July again—[He pauses uncertainly] Is it? Is it July again?

PISO

[Professionally] You say you desire to consult me, Commander?

CAIUS

Doctor, you know what it is—this sea-faring life. I thought my legs would give out first. But it turns out to be my stomach.

PISO

You have indigestion?

CAIUS

No, sir! I can digest anything. I could eat an alligator. Tail and all.

PISO

But—

CAIUS

[Looking about him cautiously] Shhhh! I'm coming to it! I can eat anything, but—but—

[His voice quavers]

PISO

But you're not what you used to be at—

CAIUS

[He nods mournfully] Half a dozen bottles of wine, and I'm not worth a damn. The fact is, I am almost a teetotaler—practically. I hardly drink a thing—scarcely. [He sighs boozily] Think of what's ahead of me tonight. They're all here—the military, the judiciary, the Senate. If I drink with all those gold-fish, then I'll be laid up tomorrow, and maybe die. And if I don't drink, then I disgrace the navy.

PISO

Too bad. But maybe I can help you.

CAIUS

That's what I was getting at, Doctor. I remember, out in Asia Minor, how those slick Persians would take a hooch of something or other, and then they were ready for anything. The point is, what was it?

PISO

Olive oil.

POLORUS

Ammonia.

PISO

Ammonia your uncle!

POLORUS

[Bitingly] Yes, ammonia one's uncle! An ounce in a glass of milk, before or after.

CAIUS

Could I take them both?

PISO

Yes, if you are crazy.

POLORUS

Why not? The ammonia will fix him, and the olive oil won't kill him. [Busying himself at the table] Let us mix them.

[He pours the olive oil and ammonia into a beaker, and starts to stir the mixture]

CAIUS

[Getting affectionate and placing his arm around Polorus' neck] Oh, Doctor! Give me a big one! Don't tease me with a pony!

POLORUS

This is the regular size for elephants and gladiators. Now—there you are—down with it!

[He hands Caius the beaker. Caius downs it at a fearful gulp, and comes up spluttering and rolling his eyes]

CAIUS

[Faintly] Is there a chaser?

PISO

No. Let it alone. The fire will go out of itself.

[Caius attempts to speak, but achieves only an unintelligible whisper]

POLORUS

[Elbowing him toward the left] Go out in the atrium, Commander, and stick your head in the pool.

[Caius again attempts to speak, but cannot, and waddles off]

PISO

[Calling after him] Don't forget the professor!

POLORUS

[Coming back] That old soak is on his last legs. Practically a teetotaler! I wonder what he—

PISO

[At the table] Where did you get that olive oil?

POLORUS

Out of the tall yellow bottle.

PISO

Well, you wasted four ounces of good turpentine liniment.

POLORUS

[Examining the bottles] Um, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. But I didn't waste any ammonia. I gave him ninety per cent. alcohol.

PISO

What are the odds? I once cured a case of chilblains with a couple of liver pills.

POLORUS

You ought to try some of those pills on the Emperor.

PISO

Ought to try them? I have given him a keg of them.

POLORUS

Then it's no wonder I can't cure him.

PISO

[Irascibly] You? Do you ever cure patients? Oh, my word! It's those infernal powders of yours that counteract the pills. No wonder he gets worse. I can never give him enough of my pills to catch up with your powders. If you—

[He is interrupted by the sudden appearance of Simon, the Christian giant, from the right. Simon's eyes are staring, and he is evidently labouring under much excitement]

SIMON

[In a sepulchral voice] God be with you!

PISO

[Startled] The same to you. Reverend. But what are you doing here?

SIMON

[Mysteriously] I have business here.

POLORUS

Business here? Don't you know what's going on?

SIMON

I see preparations for debauchery—sin—venery—the devil's work.

PISO

Not so loud, old schooner. The Emperor is giving this banquet. Remember the Espionage Act.

SIMON

My business is with the Emperor.

POLORUS

[Amazed and amused] Surely you are not going to the banquet yourself?

[Piso haw-haws]

SIMON

[Solemnly] I have come to—to—to—[He hesitates] I have come to—

PISO

You have come to look them over?

POLORUS

You want to see whether the girls really do take off their—

SIMON

[Cutting in] Girls? Bah! I abhor the scarlet woman. My prayers are for one pure woman, for—

PISO

The wife Lucia!

POLORUS

[Nodding his head] He's mashed on her.

SIMON

[Indignantly] I am old enough to be her father.

PISO

Yes, so is the Emperor.

SIMON

Let him have a care! Let him remember the wrath to come.

POLORUS

What! At a banquet?

SIMON

Even at a banquet. Even amid the flesh-pots. Even among the scarlet women. Let him remember his lawful wife. I hear talk that is terrible.

PISO

What do you hear?

SIMON

That he plans to cast her off. More, that he plans to—murder her.

POLORUS

[Glancing about him] Oh, I say!

SIMON

Even as he has murdered other poor women—trusting hearts—discarded wives. [Suddenly infuriated] But not the wife Lucia! The moment his slaves touch the anointed of the Lord—[He draws a dagger]—that moment I plunge this knife into his heathen heart!

PISO

[Nervously] My dear sir, calm yourself. This is awful talk. I positively refuse to listen to any such anarchism.

SIMON

I shall wait here. I am ready. I shall serve the Lord.

POLORUS

Suppose you let me have that knife, I am more used to such things. You are a clergyman. It may cut you.

[As he steps forward, there are noises outside, to the left. The hand behind the curtain strikes up more loudly, and presently voices call "The Emperor! The Emperor!"]

SIMON

[Flourishing the dagger] Nay! I shall wait here! I am ready.

[More cries. The music grows louder. Piso and Polorus grow increasingly alarmed. Cries of "The Emperor! The Emperor!"]

PISO

[In a panic] What are we to do?

POLORUS

If we had time we could anesthetize him.

PISO

Yes, if we had time we could hypnotize him. But now?

SIMON

Pray to the Lord!

POLORUS

Yes, yes, but not now. Not here. I never miss the Day of Atonement. I promised my old mother. [In full demoralization, to Piso] You tackle him.

PISO

[Panic-stricken, to Simon] Why not go out and take a little walk and come back later?

SIMON

I stay here. I am set here to watch. An angel charged me to—

[Shouts of "The Emperor!" very near. The music grows louder still. Cheers behind the hangings]

POLORUS

[Pushing him back frantically] But you're blocking up the passage-way. It is forbidden. Surely you don't want to offend the Emperor.

SIMON

[Idiotically] Not unnecessarily.

PISO

Well, then—

POLORUS

[Inspired] Ah, here!

[He shoves Simon behind the hangings at the extreme right, where they overlap the back wall]

PISO

[Greatly relieved] Whew!

POLORUS

[Coming back] Just in time! [Suddenly alarmed again] But suppose he jumps out and—

[He drops his voice]

PISO

[Resolutely] Who?

POLORUS

[In surprise] Who? This blamed—

PISO

I didn't see anybody. Did you?

POLORUS

[With a relieved wink] No. I saw no one.

PISO

He must have sneaked in during the day.

POLORUS

Maybe the wife Lucia let him in.

[Cries of "The Emperor!" just outside. With it an unexpected babble of women's voices, Piso and Polorus, at this new sound, look at each other in sudden astonishment as Rufinius enters]

RUFINIUS

His Imperial Majesty!

[Rufinius is followed by two centurions, Piso drops to one knee and Polorus follows suit. Heliogabalus stalks in with Paula hanging to one arm and Cælestis to the other. Behind the three, crowded closely, are Annia Faustina, Aquilia Severa, and three or four other wives. Last of all comes Dacia. Heliogabalus wears a magnificent toga of imperial purple, with gold borders very heavily embroidered, and a wreath of laurel. He moves to the centre of the stage without a word, and as if scarcely conscious of Paula and Cælestis. A murmur of confused speech among the other wives. Obviously, there has been an encounter outside. Piso and Polorus get to their feet, and move off discreetly toward the right, pushing their wheeled table ahead of them. Presently they go out. Rufinius takes station at the side of the archway leading into the banquet hall, directly before the place where Simon is concealed. The centurions go to the extreme right, and stand impassive. Throughout this scene, sounds of revelry come from the banquet hall]

HELIOGABALUS

[Suddenly shaking off Paula and Cælestis, and swinging 'round to face the other wives, his arms folded] The answer is Yes and No!

PAULA

[Melodramatically] What!

HELIOGABALUS

Yes to question number one; no to question number two.

THE OTHER WIVES

[Together] Which is which? . . . Do we come back? . . . What can he mean? . . . Which question is number one? . . . He's going to put her out!

PAULA

[Authoritatively] Silence! Let me do the talking. [To Heliogabalus, bravely but a bit uneasily] What do you mean . . . darling?

HELIOGABALUS

Simply this, molasses jar. You all come back—but not together.

THE OTHER WIVES

[In a babble, as before. They don't quite know whether to hail the news, or to protest] Oh, we come back! . . . But what does that mean? . . . I don't understand it at all . . . Do you mean—?

PAULA

[Sharply] Silence!

[The babble is cut short instantly. A momentary silence, Heliogabalus stands with his arms folded. The wives look uneasy and a bit foolish]

PAULA

[To Heliogabalus, quaveringly] You are not going to—?

HELIOGABALUS

Carpenters are at work building a plain double-bed. I have ordered that farm taken out and burned. The double-bed will suffice until—

PAULA

But I thought we were to come back.

HELIOGABALUS

You do—but you come back one by one.

CÆLESTIS

But where will the rest of us sleep?

HELIOGABALUS

Where you have been sleeping—during the late revolution. Sleep wherever you please. If the palace isn't big enough, I'll have barracks built.

PAULA

[Maudlinly] Oh, my poor head! I can't understand a thing he says!

HELIOGABALUS

Let me explain. The old system had its advantages. I was used to it and strongly approved it. But the older I get, the more I learn. At ninety or a hundred I should be genuinely wise. One thing I have learned is that the Christian system, too, has—

PAULA

[Hysterically] He's deserting us for that street-woman!

[The other wives set up a shrill protest of "Ohs"]

HELIOGABALUS

[Talking them down] The Christian system, too, has its advantages. It is lonesome, but peaceful. I sleep better. The ventilation is better. More air. Fewer breathing.

PAULA

I protest against it as immoral! We are your lawful—

HELIOGABALUS

[Sardonically] Immoral? Hah, because it's pleasant! You, too, have become infected by this Christianity.

PAULA

Oh, what an insult!

HELIOGABALUS

But to resume. You take your turns one by one, quietly and in order. First, let us say—well, first one of you. To be selected by me. I have a system worked out. Each stays on until—until I feel like a change. Then the next. And so on.

PAULA

I see it all. It's a scheme to get that Christian hussy in—and then keep us out!

HELIOGABALUS

[Darkly, rolling his eye over the group of wives]. The Christian girl will not be the first. She must take her turn.

CÆLESTIS

See! She remains. What did I tell you?

[The other wives babble]

HELIOGABALUS

If you are my lawful wives, then she is my lawful wife. I must be just. As Pontifex Maximus I am the incarnation of justice.

PAULA

I am against justice for Christians!

HELIOGABALUS

[Humorously] Exactly. There is always some one that justice doesn't apply to.

CÆLESTIS

You might take her in, and then keep her a year.

HELIOGABALUS

It's theoretically possible, but very improbable. No, my inclination to the Christian system has its limits. The girl must take her turn. I must suffer, say once a year. Where is she, by the way?

PAULA

Praying somewhere, I suppose.

CÆLESTIS

[Maliciously] Maybe she has run off with that old bed-tick of an evangelist.

HELIOGABALUS

I shall ask her to pray for you, Cælestis.

CÆLESTIS

[Horrified] Oh, oh! She'll put a spell on me!

HELIOGABALUS

Never fear. [Wearily] I have tried it. Her spells are nothing. She couldn't even cure my stomach-ache. . . . And now, off with you. I have important business. I am entertaining the Supreme Bench.

PAULA

[Defiantly] It is your duty to turn her out.

CÆLESTIS

It is your duty to—

ANOTHER WIFE

It is your duty—

HELIOGABALUS

[Irritably] Duty! Duty! Always my duty! Well, it is my duty to—

PAULA

Do your duty and you'll be happy.

HELIOGABALUS

A fallacy, my dill pickle. Duty may make a man able to stand a thing, but it never makes him enjoy it. Now good-night.

[He shoos them toward the door, left]

PAULA

I object! I protest!

[The other wives begin to babble, joining her protest]

HELIOGABALUS

Enough! I order you—as Emperor! [They grow silent and slink away] Disobey, and—[They start out, Heliogabalus following them toward the door] The name of the evening's nominee will reach you in due course.

PAULA

[At the door] I—

HELIOGABALUS

[Peremptorily] Guards!

[Paula runs out, and the others crowd after her. In the scuffle, one of the wives is pushed to one side, and finds herself inside after the door bangs. It is Dacia. Heliogabalus, turning back toward the entrance to the banquet-room, notices her. She hasn't said a word during the preceding scene, but has noticeably hung back. Now, facing the Emperor, she is suddenly confused, and turns toward the door in alarm. But he halts her]

HELIOGABALUS

What! Little Dacia! [She nods shyly] I didn't notice you. I didn't hear a word from you.

DACIA

[Ingenuously] I didn't say anything.

HELIOGABALUS

Not a word about duty?

DACIA

No.

HELIOGABALUS

[Elaborately kissing her hand] Thank you.

DACIA

I hope you are feeling much better.

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you again. If I saw more of you, Dacia, I'd soon be well. [A pause] I heard you singing last night. It was very sweet of you.

DACIA

[Simply] I thought you might like me to do it.

HELIOGABALUS

[Now thoroughly interested] Like it? I loved it! You gave me pleasant dreams. I dreamed that things were as—as they used to be, and that—

DACIA

[Snuggling into his arms] Have you missed me?

HELIOGABALUS

Enormously! At first I wondered just what it was I missed so much, but then I knew. It was my little wifey. [He kisses her gently] Now she's never going to leave me again.

DACIA

[With all the art of the cutie, but apparently simply] If you want me.

HELIOGABALUS

I want you every minute. [With elaborate tenderness] I was so worried about you. How did your cold get? Better? You are sure you take care of yourself? I wish you would stop wearing those very thin stockings. [Feeling of her frock] And this dress! It's like a night-gown.

DACIA

[Coyly, burying her face on his shoulder] I have a new night-gown.

HELIOGABALUS

When am I to see it?

DACIA

You never notice such things.

HELIOGABALUS

What nonsense. Didn't I notice the pink one—the one you worked yourself—all those forget-me-nots?

DACIA

That was the first you ever saw.

HELIOGABALUS

[Sentimentally] I'll never forget it. Ah, those days! Those happy, happy days!

[During all this scene Simon has occasionally peeped out from behind the hangings, his eyes popping as Heliogabalus grows more and more ardent. Rufinius has discreetly turned his back and the centurions are far to the right, also with their backs toward thee centre. All the while noisy music and whoops have been coming from the banquet-hall, with occasional bursts of applause. Now and then a definite voice may be heard—probably old Caius's]

DACIA

You do love me, don't you?

HELIOGABALUS

Don't you know it?

DACIA

I think so. But how much?

HELIOGABALUS

That much. [An enormous kiss. Then—Heliogabalus straightens up, glances at the banquet-room entrance, and gives a weary sigh] Well, I suppose I must go in. It's really important—a very serious affair—the first in months. You know why there has been none. I made a lamentable error. I hate bloodshed, but I really think I'd be justified in—

[Simon peeps from behind the hangings, his eyes popping]

DACIA

But I'll see you soon?

HELIOGABALUS

I should surely hope so. I nominate you number one. And I'll make Paula number two, so there'll be no temptation to—

DACIA

[Very demurely] You won't be long?

HELIOGABALUS

How could I be long? [Kissing her briefly again] And don't forget! [He whispers to her, and, as if blushing, she hides her face on his shoulder] You! understand?

DACIA

[Whispers] I'll be there.

HELIOGABALUS

And now—[Another kiss] Wear that pink one. You know. Now I must—[A sudden idea] But why not simply stay? How idiotic of me not to have thought of it! You can sit right beside me as you used to do. I'll get away all the sooner.

DACIA

But it's a men's party!

HELIOGABALUS

Pish! You'd be welcome at any men's party. Just watch how the judiciary gape at you!

DACIA

But my frock! This old thing!

HELIOGABALUS

It's perfect! Those old rats never look at the clothes; they look at the girl. [He takes his laurel wreath from his head and puts it on Dacia's head] There! The last touch!

[Dacia is still doubtful and hangs back to steal a glance at herself in a pocket-mirror, but Heliogabalus takes her arm and they turn toward the entrance to the banquet-hall, Rufinius claps his hands, trumpets ring out; the two centurions step forward and draw back the hangings. A scene of gaudy splendour is revealed. The banquet-hall reaches to the back of the stage, with a floor three steps higher than that of the corridor. A superb flash of colour. There is a huge horseshoe of a table, very low, and it is surrounded by the low couches on which the Romans reclined at meals. Around the horse-shoe are grouped the guests—senators, generals, ambassadors, judges and other magnificoes—chiefly elderly and grizzled men. Caius is to the left, and is quickly seen to be far gone in liquor. Heliogabalus' place is in front and to the right, so that when he rises to speak his profile is toward the audience in the theatre. In the centre of the horse-shoe is a small dancing floor, and exactly in the middle of it a tall fountain, with coloured lights playing upon it. The walls of the hall are richly decorated, and various barbaric banners show brilliant patches of colour. All the guests are in white togas, but on the shoulder of every one there is some coloured badge of rank. The musicians are far to the rear and their music is heard constantly, save when Heliogabalus speaks. They play strange, levantine tunes, sometimes in the old Greek modes. Translated into modern tones, their music sounds as if made by two violins, a 'cello, a zither, an oboe and a snare drum.

As the hangings go back, and Heliogabalus, with Dacia on his arm, is revealed to the banqueters, there is a sudden silence. Then Caius springs to his feet and shouts "Vivat Imperator!" and the whole assemblage rises. The old boys stand unsteadily as he mounts the three steps and moves toward his place—it is evident that they have been dining very well. There is no cheer, but the chord of C major is sounded loudly by the musicians. This cuts off the dance that has been in progress. The dancer, half naked, pauses irresolutely for a second, and then, full of stage-fright, leaps off the dancing floor, plunges through the standing guests to the left, and disappears. The guests all crane their necks to see Dacia]

CAIUS

[Turning tipsily as the dancer makes off] Hey, there!

HELIOGABALUS

[Taking his place, with Dacia beside him] Let us sit.

[The guests settle down, some gracefully enough, but others with much difficulty. They all continue to steal stares at Dacia]

CAIUS

[Rising unsteadily] Majesty, the dancer took to the woods. I feel I ought to apologize.

HELIOGABALUS

[Genially] Maybe something struck her suddenly—conscience, or gallstones, or something.

CAIUS

Oh, no. I've known that little one for years—sound as a gladiator. Maybe—[He winks] I'd better go and—and—

[He rises wobblingly]

HELIOGABALUS

[Cutting in] And fetch her?

CAIUS

That's it—and fetch her.

[He winks elaborately again and wobbles off, stumbling once or twice over his toga]

HELIOGABALUS

[Rising in his best imperial manner. As he gets to his legs the musicians repeat the massive chord of C major] Gentlemen, my apologies for my tardiness. The fact is, I didn't know until the last minute if my health would permit me to join you. I was brought here on a litter, attended by two physicians. They are out in the ante-chamber at this moment, mixing pills. [With the sudden malignancy of the dyspeptic] I shall take, say, 5,000 more pills. Then we'll see how far a doctor's neck can stretch—a curious scientific experiment—vivisection, so to speak. [Recovering his former manner] But this is no talk for a banquet. If I told you my symptoms you would fall into faints, with screams of horror. [One of the guests struggles to his feet and makes as if to speak] Yes, Senator, I have tried that Armenian lithia water. I don't doubt it cured your ringing in the ears, but it has only made my stomach-ache worse. No more water! I have got down enough water of late to float Caius' whole fleet. To the sewers with water! What have we here? [He lifts up a goblet and sniffs at it] Aha! Good red Terentum! Gentlemen, I pledge you!

[The whole assemblage rises, goblets in hand. Slaves elbow in with fresh jars of wine, placing them upon the table]

VARIOUS GUESTS

Vivat Imperator! Vivat Elegabalus!

HELIOGABALUS

Gentlemen, let us all drink to Rome, the one perfect and immortal Empire—the model and despair of other states—the mother of justice—the guardian of civilization! Rome cannot die! Rome forever!

GUESTS

Rome forever!

[They drink stupendous drafts, some of them coming up quite out of breath

[Heliogabalus sits down, and offers a sip from his goblet to Dacia. As the others tumble into their places, there is a turmoil to the left, and Caius' voice is heard]

CAIUS

[In a hoarse voice, without] Oh, come on, dearie! Don't be afraid!

[The guests snicker]

HELIOGABALUS

[Rising so that he can see] Bring her in, Caius.

[Caius comes in with an almost naked dancing-girl. She is coal-black and very much abashed. The guests whoop and roar as they see her]

CAIUS

This is a different one. Majesty. I couldn't find the other one. I hunted high and low. [Again he winks elaborately] This one is an Egyptian—her name is Irene. I take a fatherly interest in this one.

A GUEST

Dear old papa!

ANOTHER GUEST

[Mimicking a baby] Da-da! Da-da!

HELIOGABALUS

She seems bashful.

CAIUS

Just a little. Ain't used to dancing before ladies. [An elaborate and idiotic bow to Dacia] She has her instructions: no rough stuff. Perhaps her Majesty—

HELIOGABALUS

Let her display her art. This is a different "Her Majesty."

CAIUS

[Very drunk] Profound apologies. My error. No offence, Majesty, I assure you. My eyes—astigmatism—

HELIOGABALUS

Now then!

[The music starts with a crash, and the dancer leaps into a wild dance. At first the guests regard her stolidly, but in a few seconds some of them begin to rise to see her better]]

CAIUS

[Rising] This is nothing. Majesty. This is just the start.

HELIOGABALUS

Very interesting. Has the dance any significance? Is it symbolical?

CAIUS

I should say it is. If you understand it, it brings tears to your eyes. Very affecting, indeed. I'll explain it. You observe that sort of flop-flop of the arms? Well, that signifies—[The music drowns him out. To the musicians, over his shoulder] Not so loud, professor. Where do you think you are?

[The music grows soft. The dancing girl now launches into a series of amazing wriggles, occasionally leaping into the air. Caius, very solemnly and unsteadily, explains as she goes on. Heliogabalus, while this is in progress, sips his wine, and gradually grows very mellow in humour. Now and then he laughs and claps his hands]

CAIUS

Her dark complexion, gentlemen, signifies death. Wash them, and they are almost white. People think Egyptians are niggers—all a mistake. I knew a girl in Memphis—her name was Saidee—almost as white as anybody. [The girl begins to shed veils] There it is, plain enough. The man is dying. Casting off this mortal coil. Dying by inches. First his feet, then his arms, then his stomach, then his lungs, then his—and so on. [The girl squats, and wriggles about] Death struggles. Poor fellow doesn't want to go. Thinks he is too young. [She leaps into the air] Last gasp. You can almost hear it. [She begins to whirl] Getting dizzy. Scared. Sends for the priest. [The music slackens a bit] Prayers. [Louder and faster again] Too late. It's all up. [A wild leaping about] Throw out the reverend and send for the embalmers. [She leaps into the fountain] The soul takes flight. [She is now almost naked. The water plays upon her] Nothing left but the body. Hardly a stitch on. Have to strip 'em, of course, to pickle 'em. Very interesting process. They keep for ever, [The girl now launches into her final cavortings] This shows the soul in the Egyptian heaven. Very subtle symbolism. Every wriggle means something. I remember—

[During this last speech, Lucia has quietly slipped into the fore-scene, from the door to the right. Rufinius, of course, observes her at once, and is visibly startled and alarmed. But those in the banquet hall, at first, do not see her. Heliogabalus and Dacia are watching the dancer, and chuckling over Caius' exposition. The guests, with veil after veil coming off, see nothing else. It is Caius whose eyes first take her in. He halts, glances swiftly at Heliogabalus, and then at Lucia again. But before his eyes are followed by Heliogabalus, Lucia has spoken]

LUCIA

[In round, resonant tones] For shame!

[Heliogabalus has been lolling with his arm around Dacia. The words electrify him. He leaps to his feet, and stands there for a second as if thunderstruck and speechless]

LUCIA

[Her arms folded, standing firmly, as if defying the universe to move her] For shame!

[The music stops and the dancer collapses. Caius grasps the table unsteadily. A dozen other guests leap to their feet. There is a dead silence]

HELIOGABALUS

[Taking a step forward] Hell!

LUCIA

You may well say hell. There is nothing in hell itself—

HELIOGABALUS

[Conciliatingly, coming down the steps] Now, now, my dear. Really, you must—

LUCIA

Don't touch me, Beelzebub!

HELIOGABALUS

Oh, I say, darling! [He is patently nonplussed. He turns 'round to his guests] Gentlemen— [A deprecating, apologetic gesture] You will pardon me. My stomach, unluckily—

[He comes down to the corridor floor, and the two centurions swiftly and discreetly draw the hangings. In doing so they accidentally uncover a corner of Simon, but it is only for an instant, and they don't notice it. Neither does Rufinius, who has retired to the right. Dacia has come out with Heliogabalus, but she slips quietly to the left and stands against the wall, silent during the ensuing scene]

LUCIA

[Oratorically] For less than this the flames consumed Sodom and Gomorrah! That woman was naked!

HELIOGABALUS

[Weakly] But she was a coloured woman, my dear. Didn't you notice?

LUCIA

This infamy must end! A scarlet woman naked before you—and a scarlet woman in your arms!

HELIOGABALUS

[A sudden change of manner] A what in my arms?

LUCIA

A scarlet woman!

[It takes a moment for the charge to soak in, but when it does Heliogabalus is completely changed. No more conciliation. He is furiously angry and shows it]

HELIOGABALUS

A scarlet woman? That "scarlet woman" is my wife!

LUCIA

[Still resolutely, but somewhat alarmed by his rage] I am your wife. Your one wife.

HELIOGABALUS

Are you? Well, that is something to be remedied. That is a curable disease. A "scarlet woman"! Think of it!

LUCIA

[Now beginning to realize that she has gone too far] You would put me away?

HELIOGABALUS

Either you put that crazy Christian balderdash away, or I put you away. Once and for all time, I have got enough of it. I am Emperor here, and I must live like an Emperor, not like a slave. This praying shakes my nerves; water has given me a terrible stomach-ache; I have chills at night.

LUCIA

[Rather weakly] The Word—

HELIOGABALUS

Maybe, but not for me! Damn water! Damn the Christian style of kissing! Damn going to bed at ten o'clock! Damn—

LUCIA

[Her hands over her ears] Get thee behind me, Satan!

HELIOGABALUS

Satan! So Dacia is a scarlet woman, and I am Satan! And I thought I was Emperor of Rome! [Wildly, showing that there was wine in his goblet] For less than this, I have—

[His fists clenched, he pauses]

LUCIA

You can't harm me. The Lord is with me.

HELIOGABALUS

[This last defiance determines him] Oh, is he? Then we'll see what he'll do for you when the alligators begin to sniff you. Guards!

[As the centurions spring forward, Lucia screams]

LUCIA

[In great terror] Would you kill me?

[But before the centurions can reach her or Heliogabalus can reply, Simon leaps from behind the hangings, his dagger drawn]

SIMON

Stop, tyrant!

[Heliogabalus steps back, startled, and for an instant the centurions hesitate in alarm]

LUCIA

Help me, Simon!

SIMON

Lay a hand on this maiden and I'll—

[He flourishes the dagger and makes at Heliogabalus, but by this time the centurions have recovered their heads, and are immediately upon him. Rufinius, from the right, also leaps to the rescue, and in two seconds Simon is pinned from behind and his dagger is on the floor. Dacia, during all this, has screamed once or twice, but has not moved from her place. Sounds of music come from behind the hangings, and shouts of laughter—loud enough to show that the banqueters are very drunk, and do not hear the commotion in front]

HELIOGABALUS

[To Simon] So there you are!

SIMON

[Almost incoherently] Murderer! You would send your lawful wife to the lions! Pagan! Heathen! [Rolling his eyes upward] O Lord, watch over Thy servant! O Lord, send Thy lightnings to blast this heretic!

HELIOGABALUS

Bosh! Save all that O Lord business until you need it more. It won't be long. [To Rufinius] Take this man to the circus, and have him chained—arm, leg and neck. There will be orders about him tomorrow morning. I'll want the iron stake and a couple of barrels of whale-oil.

[Lucia screams and rushes toward Heliogabalus supplicatingly, but Simon drops on his knees in ecstasy. It gradually appears that he welcomes death—that he craves martyrdom]

SIMON

[His eyes rolling] O Lord, I thank Thee! To die in Thy name! Lord, I thank Thee for this boon!

HELIOGABALUS

[Astonished] What!

LUCIA

I am to blame, not he. Let me—

SIMON

[Still happy] O Lord, I thank Thee for this boon—this martyrdom! I thank Thee!

HELIOGABALUS

Silence! What is the idiot doing?

LUCIA

He is happy that he may die for the Faith.

HELIOGABALUS

The Faith? What has the Faith to do with it? He is to die for an attempt at assault and battery.

LUCIA

It is all one.

HELIOGABALUS

Do you mean to say that murder is a part of Christianity?

LUCIA

No, but martyrdom is.

SIMON

[To the centurions and Rufinius] Brothers, let us pray. Let me pray for you.

HELIOGABALUS

Never in the world! I have heard enough praying to last me for ever. [To Lucia, still not quite able to comprehend it] So he actually wants to be burned?

LUCIA

[Preachily] He thirsts for paradise.

HELIOGABALUS

[Humorously] Solomon's, I guess! Well, I'm surely not going to accommodate him. [To Simon] Get up. [To Rufinius and the centurions] Let him go. [To Simon] You are reprieved.

SIMON

[Blubbering] Cæsar, I—

HELIOGABALUS

Silence! I say you are reprieved. You are not going to get to paradise if I can help it. [To the centurions] Take him out, give him a good cowhiding, and run him out of town. [To Simon] If you ever come back, off goes your Adam's apple. And I'll slice your nose flat with your face. Bear that in mind.

LUCIA

[Heroically] If he goes, then I go too.

HELIOGABALUS

[Overjoyed by the news, he is momentarily speechless; then—] Oh, surely not! You don't mean to say that you—

LUCIA

Then I go too!

HELIOGABALUS

But that's really too much! [Bracing up perceptibly] It's really more than I deserve, fair gooseberry!

LUCIA

[Rising to eloquence] I turn my back on Nineveh. Out there in the West—[her arms flung wide toward the audience]—there is my work. There I shall preach the Word. Far from these Roman cities and the sins of men. There lies the future harvest of the Lord.

HELIOGABALUS

[Appraising the audience. Somewhat doubtfully] Um—well—I wish you luck. [Eagerly] But could you get ready in time? You see, Simon is leaving at once.

LUCIA

I go with him.

HELIOGABALUS

But your clothes? It will take you some time to pack.

LUCIA

The Lord's work is not done in fine raiment. As I am, so shall I preach the Word.

HELIOGABALUS

[Very eager to get her off] Nobly spoken. If you need any money—

LUCIA

I want no money, I shall pray for you.

HELIOGABALUS

[In alarm] But surely not here. This is no place for prayer. [Indicating the banquet-room] It's really rather too—er—riotous, isn't it? Pray for me after you get started. Pray for me out there—[pointing in the direction of the audience]—in the West.

LUCIA

I shall pray for you every day and every night.

HELIOGABALUS

Yes, yes—every night—out there—[again pointing]—in the West. And now I must get back to my guests. The centurions will see you off. I surely wish you every sort of luck. Let me hear from you now and then. Let me hear how your enterprise comes on. I'll send word that you are to be protected. A happy journey.

LUCIA

Fare you well! May the Lord keep you!

HELIOGABALUS

Thanks. Are you sure you don't need more clothes?

LUCIA

I need no worldly goods. My Faith, the Lord, are enough!

HELIOGABALUS

So you said. Well, then, good-bye and good luck! If you ever get into difficulties, don't hesitate to write to me. Simply "The Emperor, Rome," will reach me.

LUCIA

[Going] The Lord be with you.

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you.

LUCIA

The Lord forgive you!

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you.

LUCIA

The Lord bless you!

HELIOGABALUS

Thank you!

[She goes out slowly, and Rufinius and the centurions follow with Simon]

SIMON

[At the door] I suffer for the Faith. I—

HELIOGABALUS

[To Rufinius] Omit the cowhiding.

[As they go out, Heliogabalus turns back alone. Dacia has been concealed by the opened door at the left. Heliogabalus, observing Simon's dagger on the floor, picks it up and looks at it reflectively. He runs his hands along the blade. He applies the point to his breast. He tries the effect of the cold steel on his throat. Loud music from within, and a great crash. Laughter and applause]

DACIA

[Stepping forward, somewhat alarmed by his toying with the knife] Be careful!

HELIOGABALUS

[He gives a start and turns quickly] There you are! And I was wondering what had become of you!

DACIA

I was here all the while.

HELIOGABALUS

Here?

DACIA

Over in the corner. [Snuggling close to him] I was awfully scared.

HELIOGABALUS

[Now grandly brave] Don't let it worry you, tender baby. It's the trade risk. If this stomach-ache of mine fetches me, or those quacks poison me with their pills, I'll be the first Roman Emperor to die in bed for two hundred years. [Amorously] But we don't want to think of such things, do we? It was worth risking my life to get rid of that theologian.

DACIA

[Coyly] I thought you—liked her.

HELIOGABALUS

Bah! I work so hard that sometimes my mind wanders. Then there is my stomach-ache. I thought she could cure it with that Christian magic of hers—that praying, and O Lording, and so on. But it didn't work.

DACIA

Poor dear! And now you have to go back to the awful banquet. [Yells from within]

HELIOGABALUS

[Tenderly] Do you want me to go back?

DACIA

I? What have I to do with it?

HELIOGABALUS

You have everything to do with it. Do you want me to?

DACIA

[Half a whisper] No.

[There ensues a long kiss. The arm of coincidence provides a dreamy tune from the band behind the hangings]

HELIOGABALUS

Let us cut the banquet! To hell with the banquet! What do you say?

DACIA

[Like a naughty child] To hell with the banquet!

HELIOGABALUS

[Half to himself] Imagine that Christian—[taking her arm] Come on! [They sneak half-way across the stage. His eyes feast upon her. He halts a moment] What wonderful hair!

[They tiptoe off like truants as

 

THE CURTAIN FALLS

 

THE END