Henry IV Part 2 (1921) Yale/Text/Act II
ACT SECOND
Scene One
[London. A Street]
Enter Hostess [Quickly of the Tavern], with two Officers, Fang and Snare.
Host. Master Fang, have you entered the
action?
Fang. It is entered.
Host. Where's your yeoman? Is 't a lusty 4
yeoman? will a' stand to 't?
Fang. Sirrah!—where's Snare?
Host. O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.
Snare. Here, here. 8
Fang. Snare, we must arrest Sir John Fal-
staff.
Host. Yea, good Master Snare; I have entered
him and all. 12
Snare. It may chance cost some of us our
lives, for he will stab.
Host. Alas the day! take heed of him: he
stabbed me in mine own house, and that most 16
beastly. In good faith, a' cares not what
mischief he doth if his weapon be out: he
will foin like any devil; he will spare neither
man, woman, nor child. 20
Fang. If I can close with him I care not for
his thrust.
Host. No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow. 24
Fang. An I but fist him once; an a' come but
within my vice,—
Host. I am undone by his going; I warrant
you, he's an infinitive thing upon my score. 28
Good Master Fang, hold him sure: good Master
Snare, let him not 'scape. A' comes continuantly
to Pie-corner—saving your manhoods—to buy
a saddle; and he's indited to dinner to the Lub- 32
ber's Head in Lumbert Street, to Master Smooth's
the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is entered,
and my case so openly known to the world, let
him be brought in to his answer. A hundred 36
mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to
bear; and I have borne, and borne, and borne;
and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and
fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a 40
shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in
such dealing; unless a woman should be made
an ass, and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey- 44
nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices,
do your offices, Master Fang and Master Snare;
do me, do me, do me your offices.
Enter Falstaff, and Bardolph.
Fal. How now! whose mare's dead? what's 48
the matter?
Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of
Mistress Quickly.
Fal. Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph: cut 52
me off the villain's head; throw the quean in
the channel.
Host. Throw me in the channel! I'll throw
thee in the channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou 56
bastardly rogue! Murder, murder! Ah, thou
honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers
and the king's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue!
thou art a honey-seed, a man-queller, and a 60
woman-queller.
Fal. Keep them off, Bardolph.
Fang. A rescue! a rescue!
Host. Good people, bring a rescue or two! 64
Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't ta? do,
do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!
Fal. Away, you scullion! you rampallian!
you fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe. 68
Enter Chief Justice.
Ch. Just. What is the matter? keep the peace
here, ho!
Host. Good my lord, be good to me! I be-
seech you, stand to me! 72
Ch. Just. How now, Sir John! what! are you brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.
Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st upon him? 76
Host. O, my most worshipful lord, an 't
please your grace, I am a poor widow of East-
cheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
Ch. Just. For what sum? 80
Host. It is more than for some, my lord; it
is for all I have. He hath eaten me out of
house and home; he hath put all my substance
into that fat belly of his: but I will have some of 84
it out again, or I will ride thee o' nights like the
mare.
Fal. I think I am as like to ride the mare if
I have any vantage of ground to get up. 88
Ch. Just. How comes this, Sir John? Fie!
what man of good temper would endure this
tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed
to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to 92
come by her own?
Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
Host. Marry, if thou wert an honest man,
thyself and the money too. Thou didst swear 96
to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my
Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a sea-
coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson week,
when the prince broke thy head for liking his 100
father to a singing-man of Windsor, thou didst
swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound,
to marry me and make me my lady thy wife.
Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, 104
the butcher's wife, come in then and call me
gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of
vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of
prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat some, 108
whereby I told thee they were ill for a green
wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone
down stairs, desire me to be no more so famili-
arity with such poor people; saying that ere 112
long they should call me madam? And didst
thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty
shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath:
deny it if thou canst. 116
Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and
she says up and down the town that her eldest
son is like you. She hath been in good case,
and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. 120
But for those foolish officers, I beseech you I
may have redress against them.
Ch. Just. Sir John, Sir John, I am well ac-
quainted with your manner of wrenching the 124
true cause the false way. It is not a confident
brow, nor the throng of words that come with
such more than impudent sauciness from you,
can thrust me from a level consideration; you 128
have, as it appears to me, practised upon the
easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made
her serve your uses both in purse and in person.
Host. Yea, in troth, my lord. 132
Ch. Just. Prithee, peace. Pay her the debt
you owe her, and unpay the villainy you have
done her: the one you may do with sterling
money, and the other with current repentance. 136
Fal. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap
without reply. You call honourable boldness
impudent sauciness: if a man will make curtsy,
and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, 140
my humble duty remembered, I will not be your
suitor: I say to you, I do desire deliverance from
these officers, being upon hasty employment in
the king's affairs. 144
Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do
wrong: but answer in the effect of your reputa-
tion, and satisfy the poor woman.
Fal. Come hither, hostess. 148
[Taking her aside.]
Enter Master Gower.
Ch. Just. Now, Master Gower! what news?
Gow. The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
[Gives a letter.]
Fal. As I am a gentleman. 152
Host. Faith, you said so before.
Fal. As I am a gentleman. Come, no more
words of it.
Host. By this heavenly ground I tread on, 156
I must be fain to pawn both my plate and the
tapestry of my dining-chambers.
Fal. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking:
and for thy walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the 160
story of the Prodigal, or the German hunting in
water-work, is worth a thousand of these bed-
hangings and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it
be ten pound if thou canst. Come, an it were 164
not for thy humours, there's not a better wench
in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the
action. Come, thou must not be in this humour
with me; dost not know me? Come, come, I 168
know thou wast set on to this.
Host. Prithee, Sir John, let it be but twenty
nobles: i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate,
so God save me, la! 172
Fal. Let it alone; I'll make other shift:
you'll be a fool still.
Host. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn
my gown. I hope you'll come to supper. You'll 176
pay me all together?
Fal. Will I live? [To Bardolph.] Go, with
her, with her; hook on, hook on.
Host. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet 180
you at supper?
Fal. No more words; let's have her.
Exeunt Hostess, [Bardolph, Page,] and Sergeant[s].
Ch. Just. I have heard better news.
Fal. What's the news, my lord? 184
Ch. Just. Where lay the king last night?
Gow. At Basingstoke, my lord.
Fal. I hope, my lord, all's well: what is the
news, my lord? 188
Ch. Just. Come all his forces back?
Gow. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the archbishop. 192
Fal. Comes the king back from Wales, my noble lord?
Ch. Just. You shall have letters of me presently.
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
Fal. My lord! 196
Ch. Just. What's the matter?
Fal. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with
me to dinner?
Gow. I must wait upon my good lord here; 200
I thank you, good Sir John.
Ch. Just. Sir John, you loiter here too long,
being you are to take soldiers up in counties as
you go. 204
Fal. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
Ch. Just. What foolish master taught you
these manners, Sir John?
Fal. Master Gower, if they become me not, 208
he was a fool that taught them me. This is the
right fencing grace, my lord; tap for tap, and
so part fair.
Ch. Just. Now the Lord lighten thee! thou 212
art a great fool. Exeunt.
Scene Two
[The Same]
Enter Prince Henry [and] Poins.
Prince. Before God, I am exceeding weary.
Poins. Is 't come to that? I had thought
weariness durst not have attached one of so
high blood. 4
Prince. Faith, it does me, though it dis-
colours the complexion of my greatness to ac-
knowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me to
desire small beer? 8
Poins. Why, a prince should not be so loosely
studied as to remember so weak a composition.
Prince. Belike then my appetite was not
princely got; for, by my troth, I do now re- 12
member the poor creature, small beer. But,
indeed, these humble considerations make me out
of love with my greatness. What a disgrace is
it to me to remember thy name, or to know 16
thy face to-morrow! or to take note how many
pair of silk stockings thou hast; viz. these, and
those that were thy peach-coloured ones! or to
bear the inventory of thy shirts; as, one for 20
superfluity, and another for use! But that the
tennis-court-keeper knows better than I, for it
is a low ebb of linen with thee when thou keepest
not racket there; as thou hast not done a great 24
while, because the rest of thy low-countries have
made a shift to eat up thy holland: and God
knows whether those that bawl out the ruins
of thy linen shall inherit his kingdom; but the 28
midwives say the children are not in the fault;
whereupon the world increases, and kindreds
are mightily strengthened.
Poins. How ill it follows, after you have 32
laboured so hard, you should talk so idly! Tell
me, how many good young princes would do
so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this
time is? 36
Prince. Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?
Poins. Yes, faith, and let it be an excellent
good thing.
Prince. It shall serve among wits of no higher 40
breeding than thine.
Poins. Go to; I stand the push of your one
thing that you will tell.
Prince. Marry, I tell thee, it is not meet that 44
I should be sad, now my father is sick: albeit I
could tell to thee,—as to one it pleases me, for
fault of a better, to call my friend,—I could be
sad, and sad indeed too. 48
Poins. Very hardly upon such a subject.
Prince. By this hand, thou thinkest me as
far in the devil's book as thou and Falstaff for
obduracy and persistency: let the end try the 52
man. But I tell thee my heart bleeds inwardly
that my father is so sick; and keeping such vile
company as thou art hath in reason taken from
me all ostentation of sorrow. 56
Poins. The reason?
Prince. What wouldst thou think of me if I
should weep?
Poins. I would think thee a most princely 60
hypocrite.
Prince. It would be every man's thought;
and thou art a blessed fellow to think as every
man thinks: never a man's thought in the world 64
keeps the road-way better than thine: every man
would think me an hypocrite indeed. And what
accites your most worshipful thought to think so?
Poins. Why, because you have been so lewd 68
and so much engraffed to Falstaff.
Prince. And to thee.
Poins. By this light, I am well spoke on; I
can hear it with mine own ears: the worst that 72
they can say of me is that I am a second brother
and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and
those two things I confess I cannot help. By the
mass, here comes Bardolph. 76
Enter Bardolph and Page.
Prince. And the boy that I gave Falstaff: a'
had him from me Christian; and look, if the fat
villain have not transformed him ape.
Bard. God save your Grace! 80
Prince. And yours, most noble Bardolph.
Poins. [To the Page.] Come, you virtuous ass,
you bashful fool, must you be blushing? where-
fore blush you now? What a maidenly man-at- 84
arms are you become! Is 't such a matter to
get a pottle-pot's maidenhead?
Page. A' calls me even now, my lord, through
a red lattice, and I could discern no part of his 88
face from the window: at last, I spied his eyes,
and methought he had made two holes in the
ale-wife's new petticoat, and peeped through.
Prince. Hath not the boy profited? 92
Bard. Away, you whoreson upright rabbit,
away!
Page. Away, you rascally Althea's dream,
away! 96
Prince. Instruct us, boy; what dream, boy?
Page. Marry, my lord, Althea dreamed she
was delivered of a firebrand; and therefore I call
him her dream. 100
Prince. A crown's worth of good interpreta-
tion. There 'tis, boy. [Gives him money.]
Poins. O! that this good blossom could be
kept from cankers. Well, there is sixpence to 104
preserve thee.
Bard. An you do not make him be hanged
among you, the gallows shall have wrong.
Prince. And how doth thy master, Bardolph? 108
Bard. Well, my lord. He heard of your
Grace's coming to town: there's a letter for you.
Poins. Delivered with good respect. And how
doth the martlemas, your master? 112
Bard. In bodily health, sir.
Poins. Marry, the immortal part needs a
physician; but that moves not him: though
that be sick, it dies not. 116
Prince. I do allow this wen to be as familiar
with me as my dog; and he holds his place, for
look you how he writes.
Poins. [looking over the Prince's shoulder.] 120
'John Falstaff, knight,'—every man must know
that, as oft as he has occasion to name himself:
even like those that are kin to the king, for they
never prick their finger but they say, 'There's 124
some of the king's blood spilt.' 'How comes
that?' says he that takes upon him not to con-
ceive. The answer is as ready as a borrower's
cap, 'I am the king's poor cousin, sir.' 128
Prince. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they
will fetch it from Japhet. But to the letter:
'Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the
king nearest his father, Harry Prince of 132
Wales, greeting.'
Poins. Why, this is a certificate.
Prince. Peace! 'I will imitate the honourable
Romans in brevity:' 136
Poins. He sure means brevity in breath, short-
winded.
Prince. 'I commend me to thee, I commend
thee, and I leave thee. Be not too familiar with 140
Poins; for he misuses thy favours so much that
he swears thou art to marry his sister Nell. Re-
pent at idle times as thou mayest, and so farewell.
'Thine, by yea and no,—which is as 144
much as to say, as thou usest him,
Jack Falstaff, with my familiars;
John, with my brothers and sisters,
and Sir John with all Europe.'148
Poins. My lord, I'll steep this letter in sack
and make him eat it.
Prince. That's to make him eat twenty of
his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? must 152
I marry your sister?
Poins. God send the wench no worse for-
tune!—but I never said so.
Prince. Well, thus we play the fools with the
time, and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds 156
and mock us. Is your master here in London?
Bard. Yea, my lord.
Prince. Where sups he? doth the old boar
feed in the old frank? 160
Bard. At the old place, my lord, in East-
cheap.
Prince. What company?
Page. Ephesians, my lord, of the old church. 164
Prince. Sup any women with him?
Page. None, my lord, but old Mistress Quickly
and Mistress Doll Tearsheet.
Prince. What pagan may that be? 168
Page. A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kins-
woman of my master's.
Prince. Even such kin as the parish heifers
are to the town bull. Shall we steal upon them, 172
Ned, at supper?
Poins. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll
follow you.
Prince. Sirrah, you boy, and Bardolph; no 176
word to your master that I am yet come to
town: there's for your silence. [Gives money.]
Bard. I have no tongue, sir.
Page. And for mine, sir, I will govern it. 180
Prince. Fare ye well; go. [Exeunt Bardolph
and Page.] This Doll Tearsheet should be some
road.
Poins. I warrant you, as common as the way
between Saint Albans and London. 185
Prince. How might we see Falstaff bestow
himself to-night in his true colours, and not
ourselves be seen?
Poins. Put on two leathern jerkins and
aprons, and wait upon him at his table as
drawers. 191
Prince. From a god to a bull! a heavy
descension! it was Jove's case. From a prince
to a prentice! a low transformation! that shall
be mine; for in every thing the purpose must
weigh with the folly. Follow me, Ned. Exeunt.
Scene Three
[Warkworth. Before Northumberland's Castle]
Enter Northumberland, his wife, and the wife to Harry Percy.
North. I pray thee, loving wife, and gentle daughter,
Give even way unto my rough affairs:
Put not you on the visage of the times,
And be like them to Percy troublesome. 4
Lady N. I have given over, I will speak no more:
Do what you will; your wisdom be your guide.
North. Alas! sweet wife, my honour is at pawn;
And, but my going, nothing can redeem it. 8
Lady P. O! yet for God's sake, go not to these wars.
The time was, father, that you broke your word
When you were more endear'd to it than now;
When your own Percy, when my heart's dear Harry, 12
Threw many a northward look to see his father
Bring up his powers; but he did long in vain.
Who then persuaded you to stay at home?
There were two honours lost, yours and your son's: 16
For yours, the God of heaven brighten it!
For his, it stuck upon him as the sun
In the grey vault of heaven; and by his light
Did all the chivalry of England move 20
To do brave acts: he was indeed the glass
Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves:
He had no legs, that practis'd not his gait;
And speaking thick, which nature made his blemish, 24
Became the accents of the valiant;
For those that could speak low and tardily,
Would turn their own perfection to abuse,
To seem like him: so that, in speech, in gait, 28
In diet, in affections of delight,
In military rules, humours of blood,
He was the mark and glass, copy and book,
That fashion'd others. And him, O wondrous him! 32
O miracle of men! him did you leave,—
Second to none, unseconded by you,—
To look upon the hideous god of war
In disadvantage; to abide a field 36
Where nothing but the sound of Hotspur's name
Did seem defensible: so you left him.
Never, O! never, do his ghost the wrong
To hold your honour more precise and nice 40
With others than with him: let them alone.
The marshal and the archbishop are strong:
Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers,
To-day might I, hanging on Hotspur's neck, 44
Have talk'd of Monmouth's grave.
North.Beshrew your heart,
Fair daughter! you do draw my spirits from me
With new lamenting ancient oversights.
But I must go and meet with danger there, 48
Or it will seek me in another place,
And find me worse provided.
Lady N.O! fly to Scotland,
Till that the nobles and the armed commons
Have of their puissance made a little taste. 52
Lady P. If they get ground and vantage of the king,
Then join you with them, like a rib of steel,
To make strength stronger; but, for all our loves,
First let them try themselves. So did your son; 56
He was so suffer'd: so came I a widow;
And never shall have length of life enough
To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes,
That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven, 60
For recordation to my noble husband.
North. Come, come, go in with me. 'Tis with my mind
As with the tide swell'd up unto his height,
That makes a still-stand, running neither way: 64
Fain would I go to meet the archbishop,
But many thousand reasons hold me back.
I will resolve for Scotland: there am I,
Till time and vantage crave my company. 68
Exeunt.
Scene Four
[London. A Room in the Boar's Head Tavern, in Eastcheap]
Enter two Drawers [Francis and another].
First Draw. What the devil hast thou brought
there? apple-johns? thou knowest Sir John can-
not endure an apple-john.
Sec. Draw. Mass, thou sayst true. The prince 4
once set a dish of apple-johns before him, and
told him there were five more Sir Johns; and,
putting off his hat, said, 'I will now take my
leave of these six dry, round, old withered 8
knights.' It angered him to the heart; but he
hath forgot that.
First Draw. Why then, cover, and set them
down: and see if thou canst find out Sneak's 12
noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some
music. Dispatch: the room where they supped
is too hot; they'll come in straight.
Sec. Draw. Sirrah, here will be the prince 16
and Master Poins anon; and they will put on
two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John
must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought
word. 20
First Draw. By the mass, here will be old
utis: it will be an excellent stratagem.
Sec. Draw. I'll see if I can find out Sneak.
Exit.
Enter Hostess and Doll.
Host. I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you 24
are in an excellent good temperality: your pul-
sidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would
desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as
red as any rose; in good truth, la! But, i' faith, 28
you have drunk too much canaries, and that's
a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes
the blood ere one can say, What's this? How
do you now? 32
Dol. Better than I was: hem!
Host. Why, that's well said; a good heart's
worth gold. Lo! here comes Sir John.
Enter Falstaff [singing].
Fal. 'When Arthur first in court'—Empty 36
the Jordan.—[Exit Drawer.]—'And was a
worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll!
Host. Sick of a calm: yea, good faith.
Fal. So is all her sect; an they be once in a 40
calm they are sick.
Dol. A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is
that all the comfort you give me?
Fal. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. 44
Dol. I make them! gluttony and diseases
make them; I make them not.
Fal. If the cook help to make the glut-
tony, you help to make the diseases, Doll: we 48
catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that,
my poor virtue, grant that.
Dol. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
Fal. 'Your brooches, pearls, and owches':— 52
for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you
know: to come off the breach with his pike bent
bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon
the charged chambers bravely,— 56
Dol. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang
yourself!
Host. By my troth, this is the old fashion;
you two never meet but you fall to some discord: 60
you are both, i' good truth, as rheumatic as two
dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's
confirmities. What the good-year! one must
bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker 64
vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.
Dol. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a
huge full hogshead? there's a whole merchant's
venture of Bordeaux stuff in him: you have not 68
seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come,
I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going
to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee
again or no, there is nobody cares. 72
Enter Drawer [Francis].
Fran. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would
speak with you.
Dol. Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him
not come hither: it is the foul-mouthedest rogue 76
in England.
Host. If he swagger, let him not come here:
no, by my faith; I must live among my neigh-
bours; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name 80
and fame with the very best. Shut the door;
there comes no swaggerers here: I have not
lived all this while to have swaggering now:
shut the door, I pray you. 84
Fal. Dost thou hear, hostess?
Host. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John:
there comes no swaggerers here.
Fal. Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. 88
Host. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me:
your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors.
I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t'other
day; and, as he said to me,—'twas no longer ago 92
than Wedesday last,—'I' good faith, neighbor
Quickly,' says he;—Master Dumbe, our minister,
was by then;—'Neighbour Quickly,' says he, 're-
ceive those that are civil, for,' said he, 'you are in 96
an ill name'; now, a' said so, I can tell where-
upon; 'for,' says he, 'you are an honest woman,
and well thought on; therefore take heed what
guests you receive: receive,' says he, 'no swag- 100
gering companions.' There comes none here:—
you would bless you to hear what he said. No,
I'll no swaggerers.
Fal. He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame 104
cheater, i' faith; you may stroke him as gently
as a puppy greyhound: he'll not swagger with
a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back in any
show of resistance. Call him up, drawer. 108
[Exit Francis.]
Host. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no
honest man my house, nor no cheater; but I do
not love swaggering, by my troth; I am the
worse, when one says swagger. Feel, masters, 112
how I shake; look you, I warrant you.
Dol. So you do, hostess.
Host. Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an
'twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers. 116
Enter Ancient Pistol, and Bardolph and his boy.
Pist. God save you, Sir John!
Fal. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol,
I charge you with a cup of sack: do you dis-
charge upon mine hostess. 120
Pist. I will discharge upon her, Sir John,
with two bullets.
Fal. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly
offend her. 124
Host. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no
bullets: I'll drink no more than will do me
good, for no man's pleasure, I.
Pist. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will 128
charge you.
Dol. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy com-
panion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheat-
ing, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, 132
away! I am meat for your master.
Pist. I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
Dol. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy
bung, away! By this wine, I'll thrust my knife 136
in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy
cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal!
you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when,
I pray you, sir? God's light! with two points 140
on your shoulder? much!
Pist. God let me not live but I will murder
your ruff for this!
[Attacking her, and tearing her ruff.]
Fal. No more, Pistol: I would not have you 144
go off here. Discharge yourself of our company,
Pistol.
Host. No, good captain Pistol; not here,
sweet captain. 148
Dol. Captain! thou abominable damned
cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called
captain? An captains were of my mind, they
would truncheon you out for taking their names 152
upon you before you have earned them. You
a captain, you slave! for what? for tearing a
poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a
captain! Hang him, rogue! He lives upon 156
mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A
captain! God's light, these villains will make
the word captain as odious as the word 'occupy,'
which was an excellent good word before it was 160
ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to 't.
Bard. Pray thee, go down, good ancient.
Fal. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
Pist. Not I; I tell thee what, Corporal Bar- 164
dolph; I could tear her. I'll be revenged of
her.
Page. Pray thee, go down.
Pist. I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's 168
damned lake, by this hand, to the infernal deep,
with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook
and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down fai-
tors. Have we not Hiren here? 172
Host. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis
very late, i' faith. I beseek you now, aggravate
your choler.
Pist. These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses, 176
And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
Compare with Cæsars, and with Cannibals,
And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with 180
King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
Shall we fall foul for toys?
Host. By my troth, captain, these are very
bitter words. 184
Bard. Be gone, good ancient: this will grow
to a brawl anon.
Pist. Die men like dogs! give crowns like
pins! Have we not Hiren here? 188
Host. O' my word, captain, there's none
such here. What the good-year! do you think
I would deny her? for God's sake! be quiet.
Pist. Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis. 192
Come, give's some sack.
Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.
Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:
Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there. 196
[Laying down his sword.]
Come we to full points here, and are et ceteras nothing?
Fal. Pistol, I would be quiet.
Pist. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neif. What!
we have seen the seven stars. 200
Dol. For God's sake, thrust him down stairs!
I cannot endure such a fustian rascal.
Pist. 'Thrust him down stairs!' know we not
Galloway nags? 204
Fal. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-
groat shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak
nothing, a' shall be nothing here.
Bard. Come, get you down stairs. 208
Pist. What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue? [Snatching up his sword.]
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say! 212
Host. Here's goodly stuff toward!
Fal. Give me my rapier, boy.
Dol. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not
draw. 216
Fal. Get you down stairs. [Drawing.]
Host. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear
keeping house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and
frights. So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! 220
put up your naked weapons; put up your naked
weapons. [Exeunt Bardolph and Pistol.]
Dol. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's
gone. Ah! you whoreson little valiant villain, 224
you!
Host. Are you not hurt i' the groin? me-
thought a' made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
[Enter Bardolph.]
Fal. Have you turned him out o' doors? 228
Bard. Yea, sir: the rascal's drunk. You
have hurt him, sir, i' the shoulder.
Fal. A rascal, to brave me!
Dol. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, 232
poor ape, how thou sweatest! Come, let me wipe
thy face; come on, you whoreson chops. Ah,
rogue! i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous
as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, 236
and ten times better than the Nine Worthies.
Ah, villain!
Fal. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in
a blanket. 240
Dol. Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an
thou dost, I'll canvass thee between a pair of
sheets.
Enter Music.
Page. The music is come, sir. 244
Fal. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my
knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! the rogue
fled from me like quicksilver.
Dol. I' faith, and thou followedst him like a 248
church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew
boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting o' days,
and foining o' nights, and begin to patch up
thine old body for heaven? 252
Enter [behind] the Prince and Poins, disguised [like Drawers].
Fal. Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a
death's head: do not bid me remember mine
end.
Dol. Sirrah, what humour's the prince of? 256
Fal. A good shallow young fellow: a' would
have made a good pantler, a' would have chipped
bread well.
Dol. They say, Poins has a good wit. 260
Fal. He a good wit! hang him, baboon! his
wit is as thick as Tewksbury mustard: there is
no more conceit in him than is in a mallet.
Dol. Why does the prince love him so, then? 264
Fal. Because their legs are both of a bigness,
and a' plays at quoits well, and eats conger and
fennel, and drinks off candles' ends for flap-
dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, 268
and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears with a
good grace, and wears his boots very smooth,
like unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate
with telling of discreet stories; and such other 272
gambol faculties a' has, that show a weak mind
and an able body, for the which the prince
admits him: for the prince himself is such
another; the weight of a hair will turn the 276
scales between their avoirdupois.
Prince. Would not this nave of a wheel have
his ears cut off?
Poins. Let's beat him before his whore. 280
Prince. Look, whether the withered elder
hath not his poll clawed like a parrot.
Poins. Is it not strange that desire should so
many years outlive performance? 284
Fal. Kiss me, Doll.
Prince. Saturn and Venus this year in con-
junction! what says the almanack to that?
Poins. And, look, whether the fiery Trigon, 288
his man, be not lisping to his master's old tables,
his note-book, his counsel-keeper.
Fal. Thou dost give me flattering busses.
Dol. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most 292
constant heart.
Fal. I am old, I am old.
Dol. I love thee better than I love e'er a
scurvy young boy of them all. 296
Fal. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I
shall receive money o' Thursday; shalt have
a cap to-morrow. A merry song! come: it grows
late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when I 300
am gone.
Dol. By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping
an thou sayst so: prove that ever I dress myself
handsome till thy return. Well, hearken at the 304
end.
Fal. Some sack, Francis!
| Prince. | [Coming forward.] Anon, anon, sir. | ||
| Poins. |
Fal. Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And
art not thou Poins his brother?
Prince. Why, thou globe of sinful continents,
what a life dost thou lead! 312
Fal. A better than thou: I am a gentleman;
thou art a drawer.
Prince. Very true, sir; and I come to draw
you out by the ears. 316
Host. O! the Lord preserve thy good Grace;
by my troth, welcome to London. Now, the
Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O Jesu!
are you come from Wales? 320
Fal. Thou whoreson mad compound of
majesty, by this light flesh and corrupt blood
[pointing to Doll], thou art welcome.
Dol. How, you fat fool! I scorn you. 324
Poins. My lord, he will drive you out of your
revenge and turn all to a merriment, if you take
not the heat.
Prince. You whoreson candle-mine, you, how 328
vilely did you speak of me even now before this
honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!
Host. God's blessing of your good heart! and
so she is, by my troth. 332
Fal. Didst thou hear me?
Prince. Yea; and you knew me, as you did
when you ran away by Gadshill: you knew I
was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try 336
my patience.
Fal. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou
wast within hearing.
Prince. I shall drive you then to confess the 340
wilful abuse; and then I know how to handle
you.
Fal. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no
abuse. 344
Prince. Not to dispraise me, and call me
pantler and bread-chipper and I know not what?
Fal. No abuse, Hal.
Poins. No abuse! 348
Fal. No abuse, Ned, in the world; honest
Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked,
that the wicked might not fall in love with him;
in which doing I have done the part of a careful 352
friend and a true subject, and thy father is to
give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none,
Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.
Prince. See now, whether pure fear and 356
entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this
virtuous gentlewoman to close with us? Is she
of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the
wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or 360
honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of
the wicked?
Poins. Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
Fal. The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph 364
irrecoverable; and his face is Lucifer's privy-
kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-
worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about
him; but the devil outbids him too. 368
Prince. For the women?
Fal. For one of them, she is in hell already,
and burns poor souls. For the other, I owe her
money; and whether she be damned for that, I 372
know not.
Host. No, I warrant you.
Fal. No, I think thou art not; I think thou
art quit for that. Marry, there is another in- 376
dictment upon thee, for suffering flesh to be
eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the
which I think thou wilt howl.
Host. All victuallers do so: what's a joint of 380
mutton or two in a whole Lent?
Prince. You, gentlewoman,—
Dol. What says your Grace?
Fal. His Grace says that which his flesh 384
rebels against.
Peto knocks at door.
Host. Who knocks so loud at door? Look
to the door there, Francis.
Enter Peto.
Prince. Peto, how now! what news? 388
Peto. The king your father is at Westminster;
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north: and as I came along,
I met and overtook a dozen captains, 392
Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.
Prince. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
So idly to profane the precious time, 396
When tempest of commotion, like the south,
Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night. 400
Exeunt Prince and Poins [Bardolph and Peto].
Fal. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of
the night, and we must hence and leave it un-
picked. [Knocking within.] More knocking at
the door! 404
[Enter Bardolph.]
How now! what's the matter?
Bard. You must away to court, sir, presently;
A dozen captains stay at door for you.
Fal. [To the Page]. Pay the musicians, sirrah. 408
Farewell, hostess, farewell, Doll. You see, my
good wenches, how men of merit are sought
after: the undeserver may sleep when the man
of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. 412
If I be not sent away post, I will see you again
ere I go.
Dol. I cannot speak; if my heart be not
ready to burst,—well, sweet Jack, have a care 416
of thyself.
Fal. Farewell, farewell.
Exit [Falstaff, with Bardolph].
Host. Well, fare thee well: I have known
thee these twenty-nine years, come peascod- 420
time; but an honester, and truer-hearted man,
—well, fare thee well.
Bard. [Within.] Mistress Tearsheet!
Host. What's the matter? 424
Bard. [Within.] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come
to my master.
Host. O! run, Doll, run; run, good Doll.
Come! 428 She comes blubbered.
Yea, will you come, Doll? Exeunt.
Footnotes to Act II
Scene One
4 yeoman: sheriff's officer
19 foin: thrust (in fencing)
26 vice: figuratively, grip
28 infinitive: infinite (Dame Quickly's more obvious errors in speech are not, hereafter, glossed)
upon my score: in my debt
32, 33 Lubber's . . . Street: Libbard's, i.e., Leopard's, Head Inn, in Lombard Street
34 exion: Dame Quickly's error for 'action'
37 one; cf. n.
39 fubbed: fobbed, i.e., put off deceitfully
44, 45 malmsey-nose: red-nosed
53 quean: hussy
54 channel: kennel, i.e., gutter
58 honey-suckle: Dame Quickly's error for 'homicidal'
59 honey-seed : homicide
60 man-queller: man-killer
65 wo't: wouldst
ta: thou
67, 68 Cf. n.
86 mare: nightmare
90 temper: character
97 parcel-gilt: partly gilded
98 sea-coal: mineral coal (brought by boat from Newcastle)
99 Wheeson: Whitsun
104 Keech: literally 'a lump of fat'
109 green: fresh
119 case: circumstances
128 level: steady
136 current: genuine, with pun upon 'sterling'
137 sneap: snub
145 Cf. n.
146 in the effect of: in a manner suitable to
159 Cf. n.
160 drollery: humorous painting
161 German hunting: German hunting-scene
162 water-work: water colors
165 humours: caprices
166 draw: withdraw
171 nobles: gold coins worth about six shillings
194 presently: immediately
210 Cf. n.
212 lighten: enlighten, used quibblingly
Scene Two
3 attached: seised
5 discolours the complexion of my greatness: makes me blush
10 studied: inclined
25-31 Cf. n.
42 push: thrust
67 accites: invites
68 lewd: worthless
69 much engraffed: closely attached
73 second brother: younger son
74 proper fellow of my hands: good fellow with my fists
86 pottle-pot: two-quart tankard
88 red lattice: ale-house window
95-100 Cf. n.
104 cankers: canker-worms
112 martlemas; cf. n.
117 wen: swelling, i.e., Falstaff
126 takes upon him: pretends
conceive: understand
127, 128 borrower's cap; cf. n.
130 fetch it from Japhet: trace kinship through Japhet, the son of Noah
130 ff. Cf. n.
160 frank: sty
164 Ephesians: slang term for jolly fellows
186 bestow: behave
192, 193 Cf. n.
Scene Three
11 endear'd: bound
24 thick: fast
29 affections of delight: favorite pastimes
30 blood: disposition
38 defensible: able to furnish defense
40 nice: scrupulous
61 For recordation to: in memory of
Scene Four
2 apple-johns: apples that keep well but become very much shriveled
11 cover: set the table
13 noise: band of musicians
21, 22 old utis: rare sport
36 Cf. n.
37 Jordan: chamber-pot
39 calm: mistake for 'qualm'
40 sect: sex
52 Cf. n.
owches: jewels
56 chambers: small cannon
57 conger: eel
61 rheumatic: error for 'splenetic' (?)
63 good-year: corruption of French 'goujere,' 'the pox'
73 Ancient: ensign or second lieutenant, Peto being Captain Falstaff's first lieutenant
80 swaggerers: bullies
91 debuty; cf. n.
104, 105 tame cheater; cf. n.
107 Barbary hen: a hen whose feathers naturally turn back
130 companion: a term of contempt
132 mate: fellow, 'chap'
136 bung: slang for 'sharper'
137 chaps: jaws
138 cuttle: slang for 'cut purse'
139 basket-hilt: referring to the basket-shaped steel hand-guard on the hilt of Pistol's sword
juggler: trickster
Since when, etc.: a cant exclamation of scorn
140 two points: shoulder tags, mark of an army commission
159 occupy; cf. n.
171 faitors: imposters
172 Hiren; cf. n.
177, 178 Cf. n.
179 Cannibals: blunder for 'Hannibals'
182 toys: trifles
192 Cf. n.
194 Cf. n.
197 full points: a full stop
199 neif: fist
200 seven stars: the Pleiades
202 fustian: nonsensical
204 Galloway nags: small and inferior breed of horses
205 Quoit: pitch
shove-groat; cf. n.
209 imbrue: draw blood
212 Sisters Three: the Fates, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos
213 toward: at hand
219 tirrits: blunder for terrors (?)
234 chops: fat-face
249, 250 Bartholomew boar-pig: roast pig, a favorite dish at Bartholomew Fair
258 pantler: servant in charge of the pantry
263 conceit: imagination
267 drinks . . . flapdragons; cf. n.
268 rides . . . mare: plays see-saw
269 joint-stools: stools made by a joiner, as distinguished from those of rough make
271 sign of the leg: a shoemaker's sign
breeds no bate: causes no strife
273 gambol: sportive
278 nave of a wheel: Falstaff's knavery and rotundity are both included in this phrase
282 poll: head
286 Cf. n.
288 fiery Trigon: Bardolph; cf. n.
289 lisping: making love
old tables: old account book, i.e., the hostess
297 kirtle: waist or skirt or both
304 hearken at: watch
326, 327 take . . . the heat: strike while the iron's hot
328 candle-mine: mine of tallow
358 close: make peace
363 dead elm; cf. n.
364 pricked down: marked down
366, 367 malt-worms: ale-topers
376 quit: absolved
390 posts: couriers
397 south: south wind
413 post: in haste
428 S. d. blubbered: in tears