Magic pill, or, Davie and Bess

THE
MAGIC PILL;
OR,
DAVIE and BESS.

A TALE.

Relating Davie’s Courtship to Bess, and how he forsook her. How Nanse, Bessie’s mother, went to the Doctor for a Pill, which she got, with directions how to use it.–How it had the desired effect, by being put into Davie’s pouch by Bess, at a wedding, which discovered Davie’s love to Bess, and they were married.

Likewise, how Nanse, being a widow, went to the Doctor with twa fat hens, to return thanks for the Pill, and how she wanted to buy a Pill for herself, to gain a neibour carle she liked: with an account what the Doctor said to her, and a Recipe how to make up this Pill, and an advice to all young Women how to,; use it.

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GLASGOW:

Published by J. Lumsden & Son.

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1819

THE MAGIC PILL

A TALE.

IN yonder glen, beside a meadow,
Liv’d Nanse, on auld, bien, honest widow,
Wha had ae daughter named Bess,
An’ Bessie was a bonnie lass.
To ilka lad her mind was steeket,
Excepting Davie whom she liket;
Wha was a braw, blythe, rustic Billie,
As ever canter’d on a fillie,
And counted it: the height o' bliss,
To love and be belov’d by Bess.
They pledg’d their oaths, to join their hands,
As weell as hearts, in marriage bands;
An’ wi’ the custom condescended
To tell auld Nanse what was intended,
Wha wi’a mother’s transport bless’d them,
An’ a the joys o’ wedlock wish’d them.
Now Nanse an’ Bessie to their liken
Made ready blankets, sheets and tyken,
An’ ither things for back and bedding,
In expectation o’ the wedding—
But while they made sic preparation,
Poor Bess turn’d pale wi’ sad vexation.
For Davie took up wi’ anither.
And left poor Bessie a’ thegither.
Nanse, griev’d to see her Bessie mourn,
Sae sair affronted and forlorn.
Set out ae day, thro’ dirt an’ water,
To get advice about the matter,
Frae a learn’d doctor she’d hear tell o’,
Wha had some drugs could fix the fellow.
To wave description, how she wan’erin
Athort the city lang gade daunerin’,
How chiels and hizzies at her sneert,
When for the doctor’s house she speert
Suffice it, when we only tell
At length she gat him by himsel’.
An' after she a preface made,
The case she thus before him laid:
"Sir, I hae just ae only daughter,
An' mony a decent fallow’s sought her,
But ane she lo’ed aboon the lave,
A lad she thought wad ne’er deceive,
Ran oon an' late about her sleechln',
His love sincere for ever preachin',
An' solemn swore my Bess wad mak him
A happy man, gin she wad tak him.
She yielded—an' agreed for life
To be his lawfu' married wife;
But, Sir, as sure as I did bear her,
Sinsyne he never looket near her.
But tins to fairs an' markets ranting
Wi' Meg, a neibour lass, gallanting
While Bess, still faithfu' to the chap,
Wi' fient a lad has kiss'd a cap—
Waes me-! wi' the begunk she has gotten,
She’s lanely, heartless, an' begruten;
An' troth, I think, 'tis past contestin'
Her grief will throw her in a wastin',
Unless some means be us'd to get him—
Or she hard-hearted turn, an' hate him—
Now, Sir, ye were bred at the college.
An' hae in kittle cases knowledge;
For I am tald ye’re up to a' things,
Bout faul or body, grit or sma' things;
An' that ye hae amang your mugs
Some wonder-working Glamour Drugs,
Can set love’s whirligig in motion,
An' gar a lover change his notion,
For them I cam' ance erran here,
An' I shall hae them or I steer,
O Sir! exert your cantrip skill;
Mak up the Drugs, cost what they will.
— Gar Davie's love to Bessie fetter,
An’ mak’ him maist gang daft to get her.
Or he will live a man sworn knave,
An’ she’ll gang greetin' to her grave."
The doctor glegly saw at once
The silly whims o' simple Nanse,
And bade her wait a little space
Till he retired to weigh the case.
When he return’d he thus began:
“Now, Nanse, I've form’d a sicker plan,
Which if fulfill'd as I direct,
Davie will Bess again respect.
But for your sauls the plan discover,
Else a' is o'er with Bessie's lover,
Disclosing it would play the de'il,
For look ye! there's a magic pill,
Which will do wonders, I'll avouch,
If Bess could lodge't in Davie's pouch.
"But she maun sit nae langer dreary,
An' sigh, and greet, an' look sae bleerie,
But raise her spirits, an' be cheerie,
Or that amazin' Pill ye've gotten
Will be as useless as a button
“Then mark the course that she maun rin,
To bring the faithless fallow in,
“About your place, when there's a fair,
If ye think Davie's to be there,
Let Bess gang too—bedecket fine,
Look blythe, an' mak an unco shine,
As she was wont—among the chiels,
When walking, or when dancing reels,
An', by the bowl, whare funny tales
An' pranks gang roun', an' mirth prevails,
Let her, if Davie's in her view,
As far as prudence will allow,
Wi' gracefu' mien, an' pawky wiles,
Keep up the joke and fun wi' smiles.
And, if he ance had love for Bess,
He'll hae an anxious secret wis’
For her to dance, or sit beside him,
An' if she's bid, she'll no deride him,
But ha flins frank, and ha' flins shy,
For twa three minutes, may comply,
While modestly she’ll act wi’ caution
Say ay or no, an' watch his motion,
An' mark the flee occasion weel
To slip into his pouch the Pill,
Then rise wi' seeming indignation,
An' leave him to his meditation,
Sae, he'll believe she disna prize him.
But scorns his flight, an' can despise him.
"Now, Nanse, if Bess by my direction
Gang thro' this plot wi' circumspection,
I spae, ye'll soon gie me a ca'
To tell me he’s your son in law."
Nanse wi' the pill gade happy hame,
Gae it to Bess — laid down the scheme.
An' Bess determin'd to gang through it,
Tho' he shou'd ever after rue it.
Soon after this there was a weddin',
At it threescore at least paradin';
Bess was amang them busket braw,
False hearted Davie, Nanse and a';
An', Nota Bene (illegible text) declare,
The pill incog, was also there.
Bess banish'd grief, an' rous'd the spirit
She once so happy did inherit,
Firmly determin'd if she cou'd,
To jundish Davie in the crowd.
When ilk ane in the merry meeting
Had cramm'd their kytes wi' dainty eating,
The young folks on the floor did striddle,
An' cut their capers to the fiddle,
Alternate join'd the bowl an' glasses,
To drink and crack, baith lads and lasses,
An' Bess, I trow, might bauldly boast,
that night she was the greatest toast,
For wi' the chiefs she gat nae slackin',
For dancin', walkin', an' for crackin'.
When Davie saw her way sae winnin',
An' a' the chaps about her rinnin,
A racking love-pain dirl'd within him.
Yet reason coudna' ha'd nor bin' him,
Tho' stung wi' guilt an' blate wi' shame,
He wished to share her smiles wi' them,
Sae with fear, hope, and agitation,
Gae her a kindly invitation
She paus'd an' bank't —he insisted,
So down by Dave’s side she rested.
About themsels he turn'd the talk,
An' even proposed a private walk;
While Bessie heard and said but little,
An' seem'd to care it not a spittle.—
Sax minutes time did scarcely pass,
When 'twas his turn to tak' the glass,
An' notice, while the punch he sipped!
Sly in his pouch the pill she slipped:
Quick up wi' majesty she started,
An' bouncin' to the floor she airted,
Whence back wi' her a spark came prancin',
An' gart her with him fa' a dancin'.
Poor Davie blushed—and ye could trace
The rainbow colours flush his face,
He naething said, but pensive sat
Reffecting he'd got tit for tat;
An' whiles by stealth with envy keeket
At ilk blythe blade an Bessie cleeket,
Thought them halesale his mortal foes,
An' keenly felt foreboding woes.-
He tried to hate her, but in vain.—
His saul in love took lowe again,
A love intenser far than ever,
Yet durstn mint to seek her favour,
While mirk despair, remorse an' sorrow,
His very inmost heart did harrow,
He curst his fate-thus anguish torn
The weddin left to shun her scorn,
An' never woo’d anither lass,
For his thoughts centered a' on Bess.
Auld Nanse, bout fax owks after this
Manoeuvre o' her doughter Bess,
Trudg'd to the town to ca' and tell
Her famous Doctor what befel,
An' by gude luck she sat him snug
Alane by his room chimly lug.
"Wow, Nanse," quo he, "I hope ye're weel,
How manag'd Bessie wi' the Pill:"
"O rare!" quo' she, "the pill did gran",
Losh keep us! ye're an unco man!
For she a wondrous cantrip flight
Ye surely hae the second sight!
The like o' you can laugh at evils,
At warlocks, witches, ghaists and devils!
Ye ken the gate to shun and flie them,
While like o' me maun warsie wi' them;
I trow, ye soon gart Davie yammer,
An' do's ye liket wi' your glamour.
"Bess wi' a courage unexpecket,
In a things did as ye did direcket,
I saw mysel',—nought was mislippen'd,
An' ilka thing wi' wish has happen'd.—
Whane'ere he gat the pill at ance.
It dang him dumb, and drave him thence,
Some days thereafter he cam' cringin'
To Bess, an' begg'd her pardon whingin',
Tald her his mind wi' hive was racket,
That he wad live and die distracket
If she refus'd to be his marrow,
An' mak'an end o' a'his sorrow :
in short, less than a month they tarried,
Till they were beuket, cried and married.—
The Pill did a' without dissention,
But, troth, 'tis past my comprehension.
Now to ⟨mak'⟩ you a sma' amen's,
Hae thore's a pair o' gude fat hens,
I'm mair than a' that yet your debtor,
Next time I kirn ye'll get some butter.
But, Doctor, now as Bessie's gane,
I wearie in the house my lane,
I'm no dead auld—and there's a carle
I lo'e 'boon a' men in the warl'!
We hae twa houses while we’re single,
But ae house, ae bed, an' ae ingle,
I think, might ser'e us baith su' weel,
An' I could catch him wi' a Pill!
So ye may mak' me up anither,
And I shall pouchtt when we forgather."
Then he to this request o' Luckie's
Replied, "I thank ye for the chuckies,
But my Pills hae nae sie a pith
As move men stiff at lim an' lith,
'Tis only youths, wha ance were loving,
Wi' a' their finest passions moving,
Whase lasses act as I direct,
On whom the pill has this effect,
But if ye wish to try its power,
Ye'se get a Pill w-ill gie 'im a scour."
"Hout sie! quo' she, ye're joking now, Sir,
But I may get him yet!—Adieu, Sir."
Now ye forsaken lasses a',
Like Bessie fling your grief awa',
Tak' her example, when ye can,
According to the doctor's plan;
An' as ye'll a' be for a Pill,
To charm your ilka faithless chiel,
To save expence, as Doctors grup,
I'll tell ye how to mak' it up,
'Tis made nae doubt o' precious matter,
A corn o'flour made daich with water! ! !

FINIS.


J. Neilson, printer.