Magic pill, or, Davie and Bess (1831)

THE
MAGIC PILL;
OR,
DAVIE AND BESS.

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Relating Davie's Courtship to Bess, and how he forsook her. How Nanse, Bessie's mother went to the Doctor for a Pill, which she got, with directions how to use it.—How it had the desired effect, by being put into Davie's pouch by Bess, at a wedding, which discovered Davie's love to Bess, and they were married.

Likewise, how Nanse, being a widow went to the Docter with twa fat hens, to return thanks for the Pill and how she wanted to buy a Pill for herself, to gain a neibour carle she liked: with an acount what the Doctor said to her, and a Recipe how to make up this Pill, and an advice to all young Women how to use it.

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PAISLEY:
PRINTED BY G. CALDWELL,
———
1831.

THE MAGIC PILL:
A TALE.

In yonder glen, beside a meadow,
Liv'd Nanse, an auld, ben honest widow,
Wha had ae daughter named Bess,
An' Bessie was a bonnie lass.
To ilka lad her mind was steeket,
Excepting Davie whom she liket;
Wha was a braw, blythe, rustic Billie,
As ever canter'd on a Fillie.
And counted it the height o' bliss,
To love and be belov'd by Bess.
They pledg'd their oaths, to join their hands,
As weel as hearts, in marraige bands;
An' wi' the custom condescended
To tell auld Nanse what was intended,
Wha wi' a mother's transport bless'd them,
An' a the joys o' wedlock wish'd them.
Now Nanse an' Bessie to their liken
Made ready blankets, sheets and tyken,
An' ither things for back and bedding,
In expectation o' the wedding—
But while they made sic preparation,
Poor Bess turn'd pale wi' sad vexation,
For Davie took up wi' anither,
And left poor Bessie a' thegither.
Nanse, griev'd to see her Bessie mourn,
Sae sair affronted and forlorn,
Sat out ae day, thro' dirt an' water,
To get advice about the matter
Frae a learn'd doctor she'd heard tell o',
Wha had some drugs could fix the fellow.
To wave descriptions, how she wan'erin'
Athort the city lang gade daunerin',
How chiels and hizzies at her sneert,
When for the docter's house she speert.
Suffice it, when we only tell
At length she gat him by himsel',
An' after she a preface made,
The case she thus before him laid;
"Sir, I hae just ae only daughter,
An' money a decent fallow's sought her,
But ane she lo'ed aboon the lave,
A lad she thought wad ne'er deceive,
Ran oon an' late about her fleechin',
His love sincere for ever preachin',
An' solemn swore my Bess wad mak him
A happy man, gin she wad tak him.
She yielded—an' agreed for life
To be his lawfu' married wife;
But, Sir, as sure as I did bear her,
Sinsyne he never looket near her,
But rins to fairs an' markets ranting
Wi' Meg, a neibour lass, galanting
While Bess, still faithfu' to the chap,
Wi' finent a lad has kiss'd a cup —
Waes me! wi the begunk she has gotten,
She's lanely, heartless, an' begrutten;
An' troth, I think, tis past contestin'
Her grief will throw her in a wastin',
Unless some means be us'd to get him —
Or she hard-hearted turn, an' hate him —
Now, Sir, ye were bred at the college,
An' hae in kittle cases knowledge;
For I am tald ye're up to a' things;
But saul or body, grit or ama' things;
An' that ye hae amang your mugs
Some wonder-working Glamour Drougs,
Can set love's whirligig in motion,
An' gar a lover change his notion,
For them I cam' ance erran here,
An' I shall hae them or I steer,
O Sir! exert your canstrip skill;
Mak up the Drugs, cost what they will.
—Gar Davie's love to Bessie fether,
An' mak' him maist gang daft to get her.
Or he will live a man-sworn knave
An' she'll gang greetin' to her grave.
The doctor glegly saw at once
The silly whims o simple Nanse,
And bade her wait little space
Till he retired to weigh the case.
When he returnd he thus began
"Now, Nanse, I've formd a sicker plan,
Which if fulfill'd as I direct.
Davie will Bess again respect.
But for your souls the plan discover,
Else a' is o'er with Bessie's lover,
Disclosing it would play the de'il,
For, look ye! there's a magic pill,
Which will do wonders, I'll avouch,
If Bess could lodge't in Davie's pouch.
"But she maun sit nae langer dreary,
An' sigh, and greet, an' look sae bleerie,
But raise her spirits, an' be cheerie,
Or the amazin' Pill ye've gotten
Will be as useless as a button.
"Then mark the course that she maun rin
To bring the faithless fallow in.
"About your place, when there’s a fair,
If ye think Davie's to be there,
Let Bess gang too—be decket fine.
Look blythe, an' mak an unco shine,
As she was wont—amang the chiels,
When walking, or when dancing reels,
An', by the bowl, whare funny tales
An' pranks gang roun', an' mirth prevails,
Let her, if Davie's in her view,
As far as prudence will allow,
Wi' gracefu' mien, an' pawky wiles.
Keep up the joke and fun wi' smiles,
And, if he ance had love for Bess,
He'll hae an anxious secret wis'
For her to dance, or sit beside him,
An' if she's bid, she'll no deride him,
But ha'flins frank, and ha'flins shy,
For twa three minutes, may comply,
While modestly she'll act wi' caution,
Say ay or no, an' watch his motion,
An' mark the slee occasion weel
To slip into his pouch the Pill,
Then rise wi' seeming indignation,
And leave him to his meditation,
Sae, he'll beleve she disna prize him
But scorns his flight, an can' despise him
"Now Nanse, if Bess by my direction,
Gang thro' this plot wi' circumspection,
I spae, yell soon gie me a ca
To tell me he's your son in-law,"
Nanse wi' the pill gade happy hame,
Gaed it to Bess—laid down the scheme
An Bess determin'd to gang through it,
Tho' she shou'd ever after rue it.
Soon after this there was a weddin',
At it threescore at least paradin';
Bess was amang them buskct braw,
False-hearted Davie, Nanse and a';
An', Nota Bene, I declare,
The pill incog, was also there.
Bess banish'd grief, an rous'd her spirit
She once so happy did inherit,
Firmly determin'd if she cou d,
To jundish Davie in the crowd.
When ilk ane in the merry meeting
Had crammd their kytes wi' dainty eating,
The young folks on the floor did striddle,
An' cut their capers to the fiddle,
Alternate join'd the bowl an glasses,
To drink and crack, baith lads and lasses,
An' Bess, I trow, might bauldly boast,
That night she was the greatest toast,
For wi' the chiels she gat nae slackin',
For dancin, walkin', an for crackin.
When Davie saw her way sae winnin,
An' a' the chaps about her rinnin'
A racking love pain dirl'd within him,
Yet reason coudna' ha'd nor bin' him.
Tho' stung wi' guilt an' blate wi' shame,
Ae wish to share her smiles wi' them,
Sae with fear, hope, and agitation,
Gae her a kindly invitation.
She paus'd an' hankert—he insisted,
So down by Davie's tide she rested.
About themsels he turn'd the talk,
An' even proposed a private walk;
While Bessie heard and said but little,
An' seem'd to care it not a spittle.—
Sax minutes time did scarcely pass,
When 'twas his turn to tak' the glass,
An' notice, while the punch he sipped!
Sly in his pouch the pill she slipped:
Quick up wi' majesty she started,
An' bouncin' to the floor she airted,
Whence back wi her a spark came prancin,
An' gart her with him fa' a dancin'.
Poor Davie blushed—and ye could trace
The rainbow colours flush his face,
He naething said, but pensive fat,
Reflecting he'd got tit for tat;
An' whiles by stealth with envy keeket
At ilk blythe blade an Bessie cleeket,
Thought them halesale his mortal foes
An' keenly felt foreboding woes.—
He tr ed to hate her, but in vain.—
His saul in love took lowe again,
A love intenser far than ever,
Yet durstna mint to seek her favour,
While mirk despair, remorse an' sorrow,
His very inmost heart did harrow,
He curst his fate —thus anguish torn
The weddin left to shun her scorn,
An' never woo'd anither lass,
For his thoughts centered a' on Bess.
Auld Nanse, bout sax owks after this
Maneuvre o' her doughter Bess,
Trudg'd to the town to ca' and tell
Her famous Doctor what befel,
An' by gude luck she gat him snug
Alane by hisroom chimly lug.
"Wow, Nanse," quo he, "I hope ye're weel,
How manag d Bessie wi' the Pill?
"O rare! ye're an unco man!
For pitin' me on sica plan.
For sicna wondours cantrip flight
Ye surcly hac the second sight!
The like o you can laugh at evils,
At warlocks, witches, ghaists and devils!
Ye ken the gate to shun and flie tem,
While like o' me maun warsle wi' them;
I trow, ye soon gart Davie yammer,
An' do's ye liket wi' your glamour.
"Bess wi' a courage unexpecket,
In a things did as ye dircckct,
I saw mysel',—nought was mislippen'd,
An' ilka thing wi' wish has happen'd—
Whane'er he gat the pill at ance
It dang him dumb, and drave him thence.
Some days thereafter he cam' cringin’
To Bess, an' begg'd her pardon whingin',
Tald her his mind wi' luve was racket
That he wad live and die distracket
If she refus'd ta be his marrow,
An' mak' an end o' a' his sorrow:
In short, less than a month they tarried,
Till they were beuket, cried and married.—
The Pill did a' without dissention,
But, troth, 'tis past my comprehension,
Now to mak' you a sma' amen's,
Hae there's a pair o' gude fat hens,
I'm mair than a' that yet your debtor,
Next time I kirn ye'll get some butter.
But, Doctor, now as Bessie's gane,
I wearie in the house my lane,
I'm no dead auld—and there's a carle
I lo'e boon a' men in the warl'!
We hae twa houses while we're single;
But ae house, ae bed, an' ae ingle
I think, might ser'e us baith su' weel,
An' I could catch him wi' a Pill!
So ye may mak' me up anither,
And I shall pouch't whan we forgather."
Then he to this request o' Luckie's
Replied, "I thank ye for the chuckies,
But my Pills hae nae sic a pith
As move men stiff at lim an' lith,
'Tis only youths, wha ance were loving,
Wi' a' their finest passions moving,
Wh ase lasses act as I direct,
On whom the pill has this effect,
But if ye wish to try its power,
Ye'se get a Pill will gie 'im a scour."
"Hout fie! quo' she, ye’re joking now, Sir,
But I may get him yet!—Adieu, Sir.”
Now ye forsaken lasses a',
Like Bessie fling your grief awa',
Tak' her example, when ye can,
According to the doctor's plan;
An' as ye'll a' be for a Pill,
To charm your ilka faithless chiel,
To Save expences, as Doctors grup,
I'll tell ye how to mak' it up,
'Tis made nae doubt o' precious matter,
A curn o' flour made daich with water ! ! !

FINIS