Since we parted I have received three letters from you and have answered none of them.
You may like to know something about me and so here is the story in brief: I have now become a failure. I used to consider myself a failure, but I know now that I was not then a failure. It is now that I am definitely a failure. Formerly, when there was someone who wanted me to live a few years longer, when I wanted myself to live a few more years, it was impossible for me to live. Yet now, when there is little reason for me to live, I keep on living . . .
But should I go on living as I am?
The man[1] who wanted me to live longer is no longer living. He was murdered by his foes. Who were his murderers? No one knows.
How fast life changes! During the past year I almost came down to begging, I might say that to all intents and purposes I did come to that. But there was something that meant something to me, something for which I was willing to beg, to starve, to suffer loneliness, and to toil. I was not willing to suffer the annihilation of death. See how much the mere fact that someone wants me to live can mean to me. But now this is no more, this someone no longer lives. At the same time I feel that I have no justification for living. How do others think? They do not think I have any right to live either. At the same time I feel that I must go on living to spite those people that do not want me to live. Fortunately there is no longer anyone who wants me to live; fortunately, I shall cause no one any unhappiness. I do not want to cause anyone who wants me to live any unhappiness. Now there is no such person left—not a single one. I am glad, I am really happy: I have begun to do myself the things that I used to hate; and to oppose and to reject everything that I used to admire and to believe in. I have truly failed—and at the same time I have become a success.
Do you think that I have gone mad? Do you think that I have become a hero or a great man? No, no. It is all very simple; I have- ↑ It is often impossible to tell whether the person referred to is "he" or "she," as here.
