long time preparing it.”
“Were you more angry than usual?”
“No, sir, but my excitement lasted unsually long, because at the time I was so irritated to think that recently I had found it so hard to live in peace. I couldn’t lie down to sleep at night without my brain being tortured with all kinds of worries. I realised that the very unsettled life I was leading all due to my disturbed relations with my wife—a life full of anxiety and nerve-strain. There were things which I wanted to do to rid myself of this anxiety, yet I did not dare. There seemed no brightness ahead of me at all, even though I had a burning desire to find it. Even though this slow-burning fire in me did not burst into flames, it seemed to choke me, for it went on smouldering, causing me suppressed and intense agony of mind. I felt that in the end it would surely kill me—that I would die some living death.
“Living in that way, I strove hard to bear my life. ‘Oh, how I wish my enemy would die!’ This thought kept on repeating itself over and over again in my mind. Then, why did I not kill her? I knew that if I did, I might be put into prison, but I would not feel sure that life in prison would be worse than the one I was enduring. Then again I thought of the future, and I felt that I must struggle on, even to death, however hard it might prove—trying to break down this terrible barrier of anxiety, but striving always. I desired to go on living in this way … With these thoughts I gradually forgot about my duty to my wife.
