Ill
AN INCIDENT
How it has come about that I, who for almost two years have never thought seriously about anything, have suddenly commenced to reflect — I cannot understand. It cannot be that man who has set me thinking, because I so often meet with men of his type that I am accustomed to their sermonizing.
Yes, they almost all, with the exception of the absolutely hardened or really clever ones, invariably talk about matters which are of no use to them or even me. First they ask my name and my age; then in the majority of cases, with an air of concern, they begin to ask, "Is it impossible for you to give up such a life ?" At first this kind of thing used to upset me, but now I am accustomed to it. One becomes accustomed to a lot.
However, for the last fortnight, whenever I am quite alone and am not feeling gay — that is, not drunk (because can I really be merry except when drunk ?) — I begin to think. And, however much I do not wish to think, I cannot help it. I cannot get away from depressing thoughts. There is only one way of forgetting — to go out somewhere where there are plenty of people, where there is drunkenness and indecency. Then I too begin to drink and misbehave. My brain gets muddled, and I remember nothing. . . . Then it is — easier. But why
is it that this never happened before? — not from the very
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