friends what had happened and that I had the Australian as witness as to what time I went back to my room, and they believed me and started counter stories. And a few men advised me to fight it. Fight it! My God! What a sweet mess it would have been to air in the courts! And I had no money to fight it, and the Goldens were among the richest people in the country. And then I didn’t care. What was I to fight it for? The few men I cared about believed me, and to my astonishment Denisthorne was one of those who offered to lend me money. But all I wanted was to get away from that damned crowd and never have anything to do with their kind again. And then I saw I didn’t really care about them. I had imposed them on myself.
“But the thing did hurt me, absurdly so, it seems now. It was the malignancy in it, the willingness of so many people to come down on me, people I had never hurt, people I had never seen, the men who blackballed me out of that club, and it made me think all the more of the ones who stood by me. But it hit me hard. I had never passed a rumour on, or tried to disturb any man’s dreams of himself, and I had never allowed any woman to care for me if I was not prepared to see her through. And it all seemed so unfair. God knows I was glad to run away from it. I came up to Auckland. I was bitter and lonely and horribly sensitive about the whole thing. I wondered if the hotels would take me. I shall never forget my feeling as I went into the Star and gave my name. But they did, and the next day your father called on me and dined with me there. And I found the newspapermen had been written to by the fellows in Christchurch, and I was not without friends. That ought to have balanced me. But it didn’t seem as if anyone could help me. It was something I had to do for myself. I didn’t want to meet any
