E . . . . drew her legs together; I took away my hand and she stepped down from the chair: "You darling, darling", I whispered; but she frowned, and then just gave me a smile out of the corner of her eye to show me she was not displeased.
Ah, how lovely, how seductive she seemed to me now, a thousand times lovelier and more desirable than ever before. As we stood up to sing again, I whispered to her: "I love you, love you, dear, dear!"
I can never express the passion of gratitude I felt to her for her goodness, her sweetness in letting me touch her sex. E . . . it was who opened the Gates of Paradise to me and let me first taste the hidden mysteries of sexual delight. Still, after more than fifty years I feel the thrill of the joy she gave me by her response, and the passionate reverence of my gratitude is still alive in me.
This experience with E . . . . had the most important and unlooked for results. The mere fact that girls could feel sex pleasure "just as boys do" increased my liking for them and lifted the whole sexual intercourse to a higher plane in my thought. The excitement and pleasure were so much more intense than anything I had experienced before that I resolved to keep myself for this higher joy. No more self aburc for me; I knew something infinitely better. One kiss was better, one touch of a girl's sex.
That kissing and caressing a girl could inculcate—self-restraint is not taught by our spiritual guides and masters; but is nevertheless true. Another cognate experience came at this time to reinforce the same lesson. J had read all Scott and his heroine Di Vernon made a great impression on me. I resolved now to keep all my passion for some Di Vernon in the future. Thus the first experiences of passion and
