Indeed, it was very funny to watch him; and if poor Mrs. Barber was gifted with a keen sense of the ludicrous, no one can say that was her fault.
The Misses Barber were next called upon successively to bear their part in this terrible domestic drama. During their examination in chief, as was to be expected, they gave their fierce brother the very best of characters. They had never seen him excited, or guilty of an act of violence, in his life, save upon one occasion, when he had gently cuffed (molliter manus, as Dr. Lobb put it) a farmer’s boy for flinging stones at some poor pigs which were at the time endeavouring to pick up a precarious existence in the lanes near Poldadek. Neither Miss Harriet nor Miss Jane, however, could entirely approve of their brother Augustus’s conduct towards his wife. He held the reins of government with far too slack a hand for their notions of domestic rule. The feeling of a wife towards her husband should be that of awe streaked with veneration; but Mrs. Barber used to box her husband’s ears, and call him a “sweet poppet”—a term which Miss Harriet characterised as disgusting. Then she was always kissing him before strangers.
By the Court. (In a discontented way.) “What are we coming to, Dr. Lobb? Mrs. Barber’s kisses before third parties are not evidence—you can’t say they are.”
Dr. Lobb. “With all deference, My Lud, I propound the osculation as matter of”
By the Court. (Maundering.) “No, no. I shall strike that out, unless indeed you can show that the witness was present during the performance: indeed then I don’t see what the osculation is to come to—what’s the use of it? However, go on.”
Dr. Lobb, under his Lordship’s direction, elicited from the witness that she actually was present during the terrible scene, and she felt so ashamed that she wished the earth, or, to speak more precisely, the floor of the dining-room at Poldadek had opened and swallowed her up. Both sisters cordially agreed in condemnation of Mrs. Barber for her inordinate love of dress, general extravagance and levity of demeanour. I do not think that either of the ladies will forget their subsequent interviews with Mr. Battledove. How he did tease them about not being married! What could single ladies know of the feelings of married ones? Did Miss Harriet consider that there was any impropriety in a wife’s bestowing a chaste salute upon her husband? Well—where was the harm of it? Would she explain? No—she would not explain. Had Miss H. B. ever read the Fable of the Fox and the Grapes? Very pretty reading. The learned gentleman handled Miss Jane much in the same way, asking her, amongst other things, if her views upon the subject of osculation were the same twenty years ago—he would say thirty years ago—as now? He then elicited from the lady at great length her theories with regard to a lady’s apparel—detaining her for a considerable period on the subject of stockings. I am bound to say that Mr. Battledove did not at all appear to share the feeling of hilarity which prevailed throughout the Court during the course of this protracted examination. The learned gentleman glanced around every now and then with an air of great surprise, and indeed went so far as to pray for the interference of the Court when a coarse burst of laughter followed upon one of Miss Jane Barber’s replies—which was to the effect that she considered two pairs of stockings per week amply sufficient for any lady’s wear! Mr. Battledove was honestly anxious for information upon the point, for gentlemen know nothing of such matters. What could they all be laughing at?
I will not more than record the fact that two other ladies—friends of the family—were called up on Mr. Barber’s behalf, to speak to his character. One was a slight, sickly lady, the mother of seventeen children, fourteen being daughters. She was a certain Mrs. Podd, the wife of an officer in the Royal Artillery. Then there was Mrs. General Chutnee—a lady who habitually resided at Cheltenham, but who had enjoyed frequent opportunities of seeing Mr. and Mrs. Barber together. She had never, to all appearance, seen a better assorted union. Mr. Battledove declined to ask these witnesses any questions.
There was a short delay—and then the old Judge commenced his summing up. I was really surprised, considering that the sense of hearing in the learned functionary was somewhat dulled, to find how much of the various examinations he had really transferred to his notes. He began by telling the Jury that here was another illustration of the old proverb “Marry in haste and repent at leisure.” If Mr. Barber hadn’t run off with Miss Montresor he wouldn’t have been—that is he might not have been—before the Divorce Court this day. If Miss Montresor hadn’t listened to Mr. Barber she would not have been his wife, and would in all probability have saved herself a great deal of misery. He then went through his notes pointing out to the Jury that throughout—with one exception of which he would speak presently—it was simply a question of whether they believed the lady or the gentleman. This was a case of cross-swearing—as indeed most of these cases were. It would have been more satisfactory if Mrs. Barber had procured evidence from Brussels, Folkestone, &c.,—as to the various instances of sævitia charged—and he was bound to tell the Jury, that a commission might have been sent over to Brussels to procure the necessary confirmation of Mrs. Barber’s statements. The one exception to which he had referred, was the incident that occurred at Cheltenham. Ann Iron had confirmed her mistress’s statement so far as to swear that she had seen the bruised arm—she did not go so far as to say she had seen the blow struck. In this way the old Judge passed the evidence in review fairly enough, and bidding the Jury dismiss from their minds all that had been said by counsel on either side which was not supported by evidence, left them to consider their verdict.
The Jury turned round and put their heads together, but before they had been more than a minute in consultation the Judge recalled them for a moment. He wished to inform them that he removed the question of the Cotton Tops entirely from their consideration. That was a question for a Court of Equity, and it was competent to Mrs.