272
ONLY A WOMAN AFTER ALL.
wine, and says it is time for me to try the experiment. Heaven grant me success!
October 15th, 4 A. M. - Eliza is safe ! What joy it is to know it I cannot express. I find now how much my heart clings to these, almost my only, friends.
I followed Mr. Barrington to Eliza's room. As I turned to go in he laid his hand on mine, and whispered, " Courage! You will not fail. Come to the library when it is over. "
As soon as I had seated myself by the bedside, Dr. Marly took John by the arm and left the room. He thought, best to prevent the possibility of exciting counter- currents.
At first I thought I could never fix Eliza's eyes on mine, they wandered so from one thing to another. After awhile they seemed fastened by mine, and I waited breathless to see the first flutter of the lids, which is always, to me, a sign that I am controlling. They stared till I almost feared her mind was gone.
At last came two or three convulsive quivers, and the eyes closed.
I longed to carry the good news to John, but dared not move. For three hours she slept, and I held her hands. During the time I know Dr. Marly came to the door and looked in more than once; often, too, I could hear John's impatient breathing, and once I felt Mr. Barrington behind me. I did not look nor speak to any of them. I feared to lessen my influence. I sat there till I ached all over, and felt sometimes that I must scream, the silence was so oppressive.
Eliza waked refreshed and renewed, it seemed, and I left her, feeling too nervous to stay.
John buried his face in the sofa- cushions and wept, when I stepped into the library to tell him the result; and his grateful smile, when he went up stairs, I shall never forget.
I found, when I came to the library, that Mr. Barrington had prepared a cup of chocolate, and a dish of oysters for me, and, although I refused them, be said, "Eat, " in such a way that I began, with the words of declination on my lips. They were both delicious ; and when I tasted them, I discovered I was very much in need of refreshment.
After I had eaten, Mr. Barrington sat down, and pretty soon said,
"I suppose you will stay here, at least till Mrs. Greggerson is well again?"
"I shall stay," I answered, "until she is able to come down stairs ; it is out of my power to remain longer. I must and will do something. Thus far I have felt it a duty to stay; but I must begin for myself now."
"Mrs. Greggerson is very much opposed to your attempting to work for yourself, you know, and wants you to remain with her. Why don't you?"
"Eliza knows I could not accept charity, as I should have to if I remained here. I know it would delight John and Eliza to give me everything I wanted ; but I cannot accept what does not rightfully belong to me. I am determined to receive no favors from any one, but to make my own way in the world."
"Do you long for a career?" And I fancied I could detect the least bit of a sarcastic smile.
"Not a public career," I answered ; "that would be distasteful to me ; but I do very much want to prove that a woman, alone, and unaided by friends, can, without loss of womanly delicacy or womanly dignity, make a place, however small, for herself in the world.”
"Had you not put it out of my power to do so, by saying, ' unaided by friends, ' I should have offered you any assistance I could render ; but now I see it would be useless. If ever you do need help in any way, promise me there is no one from whom you will sooner seek it than Richard Barrington."
He held out his hand, and half reluctant, half pleased, I placed my own in it.
Presently he resumed, " Have you decided what to do yet?"
"I have decided to try to get the position of corresponding secretary in an Institution, as I happen to know the place is soon to be vacated. I shall send in an application tomorrow."
"Since you seem to desire success, let me wish it you most truly."
Again I fancied I saw the covert smile, and I exclaimed, " Why is it , Mr. Barrington, that whenever I talk of my own plans you smile, which smile, but for your politeness, would, I know, be an absolute laugh?”
"I beg your pardon; but I confess it does seem paradoxical to me to think of a young lady like yourself going out into a harsh and bitter world to do what even men, without means, often find it hard to accomplish.”
"If you will strike out ' even ' from your last sentence I shall like it better; and at the same time permit me to ask why you used it?"
"Because it did seem right to me. I did not intend to give you the impression that men, in my opinion, are in and of themselves better calculated to make a way in the world ; but all their education, from their very babyhood, tends to that end, and so they have the advantage.
"And now let me advise you to lie down and
