CHARIVARIA.
Dr. Richard Strauss has composed a new March for the KAISER. It is presumably one with the Ides left out.
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It is not only to their enemies that the Germans are cruel. The War Lord is said to have forbidden the stout gentlemen who form the Landwehr to wear body-belts, on the ground that these would make them appear stouter still.
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The Kaiser, a Berlin message in forms us, took a stroll in the Zoo the other day. We doubt however whether the wild beasts can teach him anything.
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"If I had my way," writes a correspondent, "I would shoot every spy on the spot." Yes, but supposing he hasn't got a spot?
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"Why," asks a silly fellow, "should not our ships fly the flag of the Swiss Navy? To this no possible exception could be taken."
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We have heard a good deal about a wonderful long-distance gun which the Germans are said to have in reserve, but an official communiqué issued from Berlin shows that this has been easily outclassed by guns in the possession of the despised Yankees. "On the Western front," we are told, "shells have been found which undoubtedly came from American factories."
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It is semi-officially announced at Athens that the report which has appeared in the Italian Press of the intended marriage of the Crown Prince of Greece and Princess Elizabeth of Roumania is an invention. It is possible, however, that it may be considered in the light of a suggestion, and we understand that the parties concerned are much obliged to the newspapers for the idea.
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Yet another change of name is announced. We learn from a German source that Joan of Arc has now become Joanna von Aachen.
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We note that a corps of "Optimists" has been formed. Why not a battalion of Pessimists as well? We have plenty of material to hand, and, if these came into contact with the enemy, they could do incalculable harm with their powers of depression.
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"What," asks Ignoramus, "is the meaning of the little pieces of black ribbon which the Welsh Regiment wears at the back of its tunic collars? Has it anything to do with what the Germans call 'Der Tag'?"
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The inmates of a certain London pension were interested to hear, the other day, that their late cook is in the German Navy, and they are now picturing him in the foremost rank when the order is given, "Prepare to repel boarders."
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In Germany, cat-skins are being converted into garments for the troops, and it is said to be a heartrending sight to see the poor pussies shivering without their fur. However, at the instigation of an animal-lovers' society, kind-hearted women are now reported to be knitting costumes for the poor derelicts.
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"Mr. John Gibson, a schoolmaster of Rotherham, Yorkshire, has, The Mail informs us, "caught a white cabbage butterfly." We are left to presume that this aviator was a German.
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Answer to a Correspondent:—We quite agree with you that among the worst peculiarities of the Kaiser are his marked pro-German tendencies.
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Hairdressers all over the country, says The Express, are complaining that, with so many men at the Front or in the various training camps, they are finding it difficult to earn a living. Even those persons who have not enlisted are keeping their hair on.
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Owing to the fact that nearly 250 elementary schools have been utilised for military purposes about 13,000 children have been compelled to take a holiday. Thanks, no doubt, to the splendid patriotic spirit which is sweeping the country, in no single instance was it necessary to use force.
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A gentleman writes from Half Moon Street to The Times to complain of the "high-handed methods" of our Passports Department. On the form provided for the purpose he described his face as "intelligent," but the passport called it "oval." This, we suppose, is one of the drawbacks of a photograph having to be provided. Possibly it might still be practicable to compromise by getting the description altered to "Half Moon face"?
Father (on leave from the front). "I think we'd better be going home now, Margery."
Margery. "Oh, no, Dad—not yet. There are a lot more people I want to show you to."
Another Scotch Raid on Ireland.
The retiring Irish Viceroy's attempt to annex Tara to Aberdeen appears to have infected his countrymen. There is an evident conspiracy among the Scottish Press to alter the date of Ireland's patron saint, doubtless with some ulterior motive. "Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day," boldly asserts The Stirling Sentinel of February 16th, while The Strathearn Herald of the 13th declares with equal assurance that "Wednesday first is St. Patrick's Day." Until they can agree among themselves, Mr. Punch will continue to celebrate March 17th.
From The Times, "On Giving Advice":—
"... If a man comes and tells you that he disapproves of you, you can reply that you disapprove of him; and there is an end of it."
We should have thought that it had only just begun.
Recording King Albert's flight in a Belgian bi-plane, the Exchange Telegraph Company says:—
"This is the first aerial reconnaissance, at all events in recent times, undertaken by a crowned King."
We like the Company's caution, and have gone so far as to italicize it. In these days of sweeping statements we cannot be too guarded in our language.
