Tirpitz's Dream: A Submarine in Kensington Gardens.
ENGLISH CONVERSATIONS FOR GERMAN RAIDERS.
The German Expeditionary Force especially designed to land on our shores have been supplied with a little book entitled, Tornister Wörterbuch Englisch, or An English Dictionary for the Knapsack, supposed to have been published in 1912. From a cursory examination of this dictionary we notice that, with characteristic thoroughness, most things have been thought of, but no provision has been made for certain highly probable contingencies which might arise when the Kaiser's troops occupy London. We attempt to supply a few omissions on the lines of the phrases set down in the book.
In the 'Bus.
"Conductor, stop at the wine-cellars."
"Kindly get up, Madam; I desire to sit down."
"What is the time? Truly your watch is a handsome one! I will mind it for you. Pray take this receipt."
"Conductor, remove these passengers; I desire to doze. Call me when we reach the Bank."
"Your waterproof looks somewhat superior than mine, does it not? Let us exchange."
"Take me to the beer-gardens."
"I have eaten and drunk too much. Bring me an apothecary."
At the Office of the Censor of Plays.
"Withdraw forthwith all plays excepting those written by Bernard Shaw, and also The Flag-Lieutenant."
"Re-write The Flag-Lieutenant so that ten British battleships, three cruisers and twelve destroyers are sunk by the German Navy twice nightly and thrice at each matinée performance."
"Churchill, Fisher and Beresford, who will be present in the stage box at each performance, will lead the applause. During each entr'acte they will shout twice in chorus, 'Hoch! der Kaiser.'"
In the Press Bureau Office.
"Produce three German victories for each edition of the evening newspapers."
AT the Zoo.
"Take me to the British lion house."
"Keeper, attention! If within two days the tails of these lions are not trained to droop you will spend the night in the den. Do not argue!"
In the Restaurant.
"I desire to pay my bill, and also that of my four friends. Five dinners, five magnums, ten cigars, fifteen liqueurs. Here are two shillings and fourpence."
"Silence, waiter! Do not fidget. Do not blink."
"It is forbidden to talk or argue with a Prussian officer."
"Remove that lady with the astrachan collar; it offends me."
Mr. Punch regrets that some little time ago he appears to have been misled by another paper into a wrong estimate of the attitude of the Mayor of Sunderland in regard to the local formation of an Artillery Brigade. He now understands that, though as a member of the Society of Friends the Mayor of Sunderland objects to engage personally in the work of recruiting, he gave his loyal co-operation to the Recruiting Committee in their efforts, already well advanced, to raise the Brigade.
