CHARIVARIA.
The Kaiser, it is said, has decided to strike off all British princes from the roll of the Order of the Black Eagle. Now that this bird has proved to be as black as he is painted this seems to be an act of common justice.
⁂
We are sorry to see that it has been suggested that the German eagle on Banbury Cross, placed there in 1885 to commemorate the marriage of the Kaiser's father with the Princess Royal, should be obliterated. It ought not to be forgotten, difficult as it is to realise now, that the Kaiser's parents were gentlefolk.
⁂
The Vossische Zeitung attempts to make capital out of the fact that Germany uses, according to recent statistics, 22 lbs. of soap per head per annum, and England only 201⁄2 lbs. Even so the former country does not seem to produce very clean fighters.
⁂
By the way, at the annual meeting of Messrs. Joseph Watson and Sons, soap-makers, the chairman stated that no fewer than 80 per cent. of their employees had enlisted. We doubt, however, whether even these could make a white man of the Kaiser.
⁂
"KING OF GREECE IMPROVING"
Evening News.
This statement is, unfortunately, misleading. His Hellenic Majesty, we understand, still favours the Germans.
⁂
Mr. Eustace Miles holds the opinion that the meat diet of our army prevents many men enlisting. Alter this, and thousands of vegetarians would take the field—and even eat it.
⁂
While the notices stuck on the front of taxi-cabs calling on men to enlist are undoubtedly a good idea one cannot help feeling now and then that it is a pity that these appeals are placed in such a position that the young and able-bodied driver himself cannot read them.
⁂
The Metropolitan Water Board has decided that, during the War, it is inadvisable to continue the arrangement under which the surface of some of the Board's covered reservoirs is let to lawn tennis clubs and for other sports. It is not, we believe, generally known that these reservoirs are searched every day for submarines.
⁂
"How did the Transylvania manage to escape the submarines?" asks a correspondent. We have heard, dear friend, that she came across cleverly disguised as a canoe.
⁂
The Kaiser's admirers are now drawing attention to yet another proof of his love of peace. His Majesty, they are pointing out, strained every nerve to prevent Italy becoming involved in the War.
German (as wind changes). "Gott strafe England!"
"BOOKS, PERIODICALS, &c.
Horses.—Job Horses and Sale Horses. Messrs. Milton continue to supply superior Job Horses for any period, and also several beautifully-matched Pairs and Single Horses for Sale."—Morning Post.
The name Milton seems to have misled our contemporary in classifying this advertisement. The horses referred to are not the poet's bays.
"Lady (27), who has suffered much in the school of life (which deals out sweets to some and blows to others of its pupils!), will willingly correspond stimulatingly with any lonely Naval Officer who is humorous, honourable, idealistic, compassionate, and sincere. Less laudable traits understandingly overlooked in consideration of aforesaid rare and admirable qualities! Honourable confidence expected and reciprocated. 'Sincerita.'
T. P.'s Weekly.
If we know anything of the Navy, "Sincerita's" correspondents will be both numerous and humorous, though we cannot answer for their "less laudable traits."
UNBELING A MOUSE.
"I admit," said Arthur, "that for picturesque appearance and dignified movement Clara has it."
Clara, I should say, is my favourite waitress. I do not go so far, however, as to sit in Clara's sphere of influence. This is not because Rose is quicker, as Arthur suggests, but because my angle of vision includes a wider segmont of Clara's movements.
"I admit, too," he went on, "that Arabella probably has a larger hoard of unfinished socks than anyone in London. And Gwendolen certainly holds the record for breakages. But in an emergency I would bet my last puttee on Rose."
My attention was drawn to a shy and nervous young man seated near us, in the disputed territory between two spheres. He was evidently suffering from a bitter sense of isolation.
Clara sailed past him. Arabella nonchalantly "cast on" a new sock. All about him people were fed, but in spite of his miserable efforts to secure attention he remained without even a roll to keep him company.
At last he looked at the bell desperately. Then he fidgeted with it. Then he struck it!
The effect was electrical. There was a long painful silence—you could almost hear Arabella drop some stitches. The little man in the corner ordered "Tea" in a thin agitated voice instead of his invariable "China tea." In a hasty whisper I drew Arthur's attention to a remarkable fact: Clara was hurrying. The cashier said "Thank you" to a customer.
Arabella, as I said, dropped some stitches. Gwendolen dropped a cup and saucer. Others came hurrying from outlying parts of the room. They gathered behind us. "Who did it?" they asked each other in tense whispers.
There was no need to ask. The miserable young man, covered with blushes up to his ears, was trying to hide himself behind a salt-cellar and a sugar-basin.
There were excited whispers. "What shall we do?" "Give him last week's buns." "Don't give him anything at all." "Give him one of Amy's white feathers." "Charge him double."
Across these distracted counsels came Rose's calm decided voice. "Take away his bell," she said.
"The simplicity of a great mind," whispered Arthur.
And slowly the restaurant resumed its leisurely tinkling life.
