Page:The New Yorker 0004, 1925-03-14.pdf/16

Story of Manhattankind

 

The Coffee War, known in history as "The Irrepressible Conflict," broke out in New York in the nineteenth or twentieth century. On one side were the Manhattan Regulars, who insisted on their right to sleep and on the other the until I1 A.M., and on the other the Terrible Neighbors, who regularly ground their coffee at half past six. The war waged furiously for twenty-five or fifty years, and was settled by the intervention of the Building Trades, who installed steam riveters in every back yard.

As the war was largely verbal, the casualties were never counted. But the language of Manhattan was greatly enriched.

"Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eggs," was one of the famous slogans of the Manhattanites. "What is wrong with this picture?" the neighhors grimly retorted. We are also indebted to this period for such sayings as "Buy a Saxophone!" and "Four Out of Five, After Forty, Get Pyorrhea!" This mysterious phrase was obviously a hint, on the part of the outraged citizenry, that the outragers were likely to lose their grinders.

"The early bird catches the germ," wrote Benjamin Franklin, a war correspondent on George Horace Lorimer's staff. And, of another phase of this same contest between New Yorkers and their neighbors, Abraham Lincoln observed: "This country can not exist half shaved and half free."

New York, as we said, was saved by noise. After this, when any particular noise disturbed anyone, he invented another to drown it out. Some of the biggest noises were the elevated railroad, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jazz, static and John Roach Straton. Static wasn't exactly an invention. It was an adaptation by the Radio Corporation of a language spoken before that date only by subway guards.

Presently, New York became known as the World Metropolis. Metropolis means "Middle City," and New Yorkers believed that they were in the middle of the world, In those days, the people thought the earth was flat.

Flat was a sacred word with them. The people lived in flats, and one of their early temples was known as the Flatiron Building. Moreover, they called the birthplace of their famous Champion "Flat-bush."

They exchanged flats every year, on the first of October, at a great religious festival known as Moving Day. Everybody moved out October 1, but few moved in. The landlords wouldn't let them in unless they got rid of their children and until the little ones could be disposed of, the families lived in vans. The vans figure largely in the history of the city. Sometimes they are referred to as the Dutch Settlers. Undoubtedly this refers to those families who wanted to settle but had got in Dutch.

Nevertheless, despite opposition of the landlords, the population of New York increased amazingly. This was a never-ending marvel to visitors from out of town, who were always asking: "How do you keep it up?"

The cost of living in Manhattan soared, but everybody seems to have agreed that it was worth the money. Instead of complaining about the rent, the people moved into hotels; and instead of paying their hotel bills, they gave lectures on the New Psychology. Many workingmen, however, were compelled to discharge their chauffeurs and millions of manicurists were forced to become screen stars. The screen stars eked out their living by recommending facial creams.

The people soon had more money than they could carry and invented a game known as the Telephone Booth. They began by betting on a number and finished by kicking the door down, If a player got the right number, he died of shock.

The New York girls were noted for their looks. Lowking was one of the best things they did. The manicurists couldn't all manicure, and the stenographers couldn't all stenng, but in the fine art of looking, they were uniformly faithful, and hard working.

The most famous beauties of the period were Flo Ziegfeld and Babe Ruth.—Sawdust

The Landlords Wouldn't Let Them in Unless They Got Rid of Their Children