Page:The New Yorker 0004, 1925-03-14.pdf/20

Something on the Hip.

YesterdayToday

A Play We Want to See

The Ruined Banker

(Scene. A library. Mr. William Gordon, a ruined banker, discovered sobbing like a ruined banker. J. Elmer Clipp, the villain, is sneering around the room.)

Gordon: "God, man, I can't pay that fifty thousand, All I have in the world is $200 and that I owe my butler for this week's wages."

Cliff(Looking at his watch): "You have until next Wednesday. If you don't meet your obligations then—!" (He laughs.)

(Enter old Dwiggins, the Gordon butler who has been a butler in the Gordon home for ninety-seven years.)

Dwiggins: "Mr. Gordon?"

Gordon (Replying in a word of one syllable): "Yes?"

Dwiggins: "Mr. Gordon, I overheard that man say something about fifty thousand dollars."

Gordon: "Yes?"

Dwiggins: "By a curious coincidence I have $49,800 in the bank at this moment."

Gordon: "Whatever do you mean?"

Dwiggins: "So if you'll give me the $200 that is due me—"

(The banker pays him and the fine old face of Dwiggins lights up.)

Dwiggins: (With tremendous emotion): "And now—sir—now that I have this fifty thousand dollars, there is something I want to tell you. . . . For ninety-seven years I have wanted to punch your nose! I shall now do so!"

(He does so.)

Curtain.

Song of the Traffic Rules

Oh, it's East and West and it's West and East,
Whenever the light shines green,
But it's ho! for the North and South, my lads,
Whenever the yellow is seen.
So it's never lose sight of the avenue light
Whenever you're faring forth,
For it's green for the jolly old East and West
And its yellow for South and North.

There's a traffic cop in the tower top,
And he sits at his post all day,
And he pushes the button that flashes the light,
That guides us on our way.
And the traffic stream responds to the gleam
Of the light when the button is pressed.
And it's North and it's South when the yellow light shines,
But it's green for the East and West.

Remember the rule of the one-way street
And watch for the officer's nod,
For the east-bound streets are the even streets
And the west-bound streets are odd.
So it's hey! for merry old rules of the road,
And it's hey! for the traffic cop.
When the green lights glow, or the yellow show
"Go!"
But the crimson light always means "Stop!"

—Newman Levy.

 

---

The Optimist

Pop: A man who thinks he can make it in par.

Johnny: What is an optimist, Pop?

 

---

Suggestion for popular song title: He May Be the Brains of the Business, But He's Just a Red-Hot Daddy to Me.

Sweetheart

A Model for Mademoiselle 18 to 20

Comes the spring, when Mademoiselle 18 to 20's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of— but la! la! one may easily guess.

Matchless value is this model's, enveloped as it is in that indefinable air of Sheik associated so exclusively with the product of this maison. And what a lovely disposition it has l Above all, it is suitable to be Mademoiselle's companion at any affaire, whether de societe or du coeur!

And So Moderately Priced—at Only

One Heart

Cupid, Eros & Co.

"The Maison of Excellence"

-- Baron Ireland