OVERHEARD ON THE OUTSIDE
THE OUTSIDE BARBARIAN
WHAT is this chattering noise that we hear?
HIS GUIDE
It is the audible part of a five o'clock tea.
O. B.
What makes the noise?
G.
Forty-five women, feebly assisted by five men.
O. B.
What are they talking about?
G.
Nothing that would call for a second edition. It is called small talk, but it makes a good deal of noise for its size.
O. B.
Who is the high-browed man in the corner with the business suit on, who is looking as sad as he can, and who has not spoken since the last young woman got away?
G.
He is not in Society, but his cousin Alexander is, and he was brought around to this, his first afternoon tea, by permission of Mrs. Van Derpent.
O. B.
Who is Mrs. Van Derpent?
G.
She is at home this afternoon, and this is her tea.
O. B.
But why is the young man so sad?
G.
Why, his thoughts have fled, although when he is with his own kind he is a ready and a wise talker.
O. B.
Who are his own kind?
G.
The three A's: artists, architects and authors.
O. B.
What did the young woman who was talking to him say?
G.
She said: "Don't-you-dote-on-the-opera-isn't-it-a-shame-that-Jean-de-Reszké-did-not-come-over-this-year-isn't-'Die-Walküre'-perfectly-stunning?" These three she gave him hot from the bat, and it naturally dazed him. In a little while he will go to get a cup of tea at his cousin's suggestion, although he would much rather have beer, and when the pretty young woman who is pouring asks him "Milk or lemon?" he will say, "An orange, please," just because he is rattled.
O. B.
Poor young man!
G.
When he finally understands, he will spill his tea on his knees, but the pain will be as nothing to the mental torture that this estimable young man is undergoing.
O. B.
How cruel in his cousin to bring him to this place!
G.
Quite so. And yet there are hundreds of young men in town who would give their month's salaries to
