THE UNEQUAL BANQUET. 303
silks, we worship as gods'? EC. Mischief. Yo. And, perhaps, you will put no great value upon military men? EC. A farthing. Yo. But your astrologers that tell fortunes by the stars promise great things. EC. They are fables. Yo. But grammarians take a great deal of pains. EC. To no purpose. Yo. I believe hungry, greedy lawyers don't please you. EC. They are wolves. Yo. What sort of a man shall I be if I turn a handicraftsman 1 ? EC. The scum of the people. Yo. What, then, 'do good nor bad arts procure one nothing else? EC. A maintenance. Yo. Shall I be happy if I shall persevere in good learning ? EC. You shall. Yo. But what will make me pious? EC. Age. Yo. I have spent my time this ten years in Cicero. EC. O you ass ! Yo. How comes it into your mind to call me an ass? EC. By the thing itself. Yo. Perhaps you mean that I should not so apply myself to him as to leave off others? EC. I do say so. Yo. Why, then, does not he please you that fatigues himself all his days only for this pur- pose that he may become a Ciceronian at last? EC. He is a madman. Yo. What is left for them to do that are old, whose age is not seasonable for the learning these things ? EC. The plough tail. Yo. I believe you would be more eloquent if you were at a greater distance. EC. I should be so. Yo. I do not like words of two syllables. EC. Go your way. Yo. I began first, and I see I cannot hinder yoxir having the last word. EC. Let me have it. Yo. Do you now think I am sufficiently instructed to perform those things well which shall happen in life? EC. Yes. Yo. Well, then, if you would have me go away, bid me be gone. EC. Be gone.
THE UNEQUAL BANQUET.
Spudmus, Apitius.
Sp. Soho, soho, Apitius ! Ap. I do not hear you. Sp. Soho, I say, Apitius ! Ap. What troublesome fellow is this? Sp. I have a matter of consequence to tell you of. Ap. And I am going about a matter of consequence, and in great haste too. Sp. Whither, prithee ? Ap. Why, to supper. Sp. That was it I wanted to talk with you about. Ap. I have not time now to meddle with talkers or doers, lest I lose my labour. Sp. You shall lose no time, I will go along with you. Ap. Well, tell me what it is quickly. Sp. I am busy in contriving how to make a feast, so as to please all and displease none of my guests, and knowing you to be the principal artist in this scheme, I apply myself to you as to an oracle. Ap. Well, take this for an answer, and, according to ancient usage, in verse, If none you would displease, then none invite. Sp. But it is a public entertainment; lam under a necessity of having a great many guests. Ap. To be sure, the more you invite the more you will displease. What play was so well written or so well acted as to please the whole theatre ? Sp. But come, darling of the god of banquets, assist me with your advice in this affair, and I will account you an oracle for time to come. Ap. Take this in the first
