Poems (Curwen)/The Soul's Quest
The Soul's Quest.
I sought the Light— Sought it unconsciously In earliest infancy, When as a little child I lay Among the daisied grass, Watching the white clouds pass Over the smiling face of day. Then some new sense awoke; Was it the soul that spoke? And I longed to soar away Up to the cloudlets white, Up to some lofty height, And roam the blue skies o'er; And soar away, away, To the golden gates of day, To seek for Heaven's door. Thus in my infancy, I sought unconsciously To find the Light.
I sought the Light— Sought it in childhood's hours 'Mid the sunshine and the flow'rs, Though I did not understand Why the voices of the wood Wooed me to their solitude; Why I left the childish band, And preferred the silent shade, Where the feathered songsters made Sweet music as I lay Pondering the question—Why We had to live and die? And in the peaceful night Strange fancies stirred my soul, As Luna's bright beams stole In with their silvery light; And I wept, and knew not why, But sought unconsciously The Infinite.
I sought the Light— Sought it while still a child, By the ocean dark and wild—For the voices of the sea Drew me like a mystic spell, And my breast would heave and swell, When they whispered unto me. But their meaning was not plain, And I listened then in vain— For my soul was far too young To read their tones aright: But they led me to the Light; For one thought within me sprung As I watched the great waves roll— It was borne in to my soul—That I should never die. So the voices of the sea Sang of Immortality: And my soul began her quest.
Fast flew the days, the days of my girlhood, Those days that are always so sweet; And swiftly, swiftly, time bore me onward Where "brook and river meet."
Flowers of promise grew by the wayside, And ever, while tripping along, Friendship beguiled, and Hope ever willing Sang me her sweetest song.
Then the wild wind would whisper in passing, Whither away! art on thy quest? And the silver stars smiled down upon me, I loved their voices best.
The Thunder spoke, and I loved to hear it— I loved its deep melodious roll; For it echoed long in my heart, and answered The voices of my soul.
But the voice of the Sea was most sublime, Though it filled my soul with unrest, For it told me of past and future time, And spurred me on my quest.
Then the voice of Pleasure in dulcet tones Called, "Dreamer! come listen to me; Leave thou thy quest to the older ones, The world is calling thee."
So for a space I listened to her songs, But my soul wearied in her walls; I found no pleasure in the giddy throngs, No joy in Pleasure's halls.
But still I lingered, till the voice within— My soul's voice—whispered, "Canst thou stay?" Then Pleasure came and sought to keep me still, But I—I could not stay.
Then in the gloaming Love's dear voice I heard, Sweetly it fell upon mine ear; And my young heart was somehow strangely stirred, And thrilled with hope and fear.
What if my heart in list'ning to his singing Should lose the peace within her breast? What if in Love's fair guise Satan was bringing An hindrance to my quest?
But love, if love be pure, is elevating, It lifts the heart and thoughts above—And life was sweeter, though there was no mating, For that dear song of Love.
And then another voice—Ambition's, called me, Speaking in glowing terms of Fame,—And I turned back with her—O foolish dreamer! And thought to win a name.
Then Sorrow came, rousing me from my dreaming, And Trouble clasped my hand in hers, And I awoke, and found my pathway teeming With multifarious cares.
Burdens there were to bear, and crosses also, From which I shrank in my despair—No! No! I cried, this way I will not go; Such loads I cannot bear.
Then stern Necessity arose and goaded My stumbling feet upon their road, And, with my cares and troubles overloaded, I turned again to God.
But as I struggled on fresh foes assailed me, Doubt cast barriers across my way; And Unbelief in mocking tones did hail me, Saying, "Why dost thou pray?"
But I pressed on, and heedless of their voices Struggled along the rugged road. Albeit the lamp of Faith was nigh extinguished, So little light it showed.
Onward and upward through the gloomy night— Through the thick black night of despair, Went my weary feet, while I groped for light, Shod with sandals of Care.
And through the dark valley of Unbelief, And Doubt's 'wildering maze I crept; And ever my soul in its lonely grief Bitterly wailed and wept.
Never a gleam of light in the darkness, Never a whisper of Hope; but still, "Faint, but pursuing," I found in weakness Strength, and climbed up the hill.
Then did my way grow clearer and clearer, As I mounted from height to height, And hands, unseen hands, drew me up nearer And nearer to the Light.
Then when my little strength was well nigh spent Sweet voices hailed me from above; And to my weary fainting spirit lent The pinions of a dove.
I soared, yes soared, in that ethereal air, My burdens and my crosses gone, Higher, and higher, up the mount to where A faint light dimly shone.
Then, height to height gave back my soul's glad cry— A cry that rang out on the night Of Doubt, dispelling Unbelief, for I Had found at last—The Light.
And poised on the heights she had attained My soul gazed on the World beneath, And knew the knowledge which she had gained More priceless than laurel wreath.
For we stood on the mountain tops of Faith And saw the vale of Doubt below, Where the weary votaries of Unbelief Moved blindly to and fro.
And we looked with pitying sadness down On the sad old world and its strife—The sceptical world—and yearned to make known The higher, holier life.
For, conscious of her own consciousness, my soul Doth here most solemnly attest, There is a life beyond the grave, where she Hopes to resume her quest.