Poems (Greenwell)/Christina

by Dora Greenwell

CHRISTINA. 

Father, when I am in my grave, kind Father, Take thou this cross,—I had it from a girl,—Take it to one that I will tell thee of,—Unto Christina.

 I may not part with it while I have life; I kept it by me, treasured it through years Of evil, when I dared not look upon it: But of the love and reconciling mercy Whereof it is a token, now it speaks. Sore bitten by the fiery flying serpent, Yet have I strength to raise my languid eyes, And fix them on that sign, for sin uplift Within the wilderness, and there my gaze—My straining gaze—will fasten to the last, Death-glazed, upon it. Oh! may then my soul Be drawn up after it unperishing!

 Thou knowest of my life, that I have been Saved as by fire,—a brand plucked from the burning; But not before the breath of flame had passed On all my garments, not before my spirit Shrunk up within it as a shrivelled scroll Falls from the embers, black,—yet unconsumed. For One in Heaven still loved me, one on earth. Father, I would speak to thee of Love; We learn the price of goodliest things through losing. They who have sat in darkness bless the light, And sweetest songs have risen to Liberty From souls once bound in misery and iron; So, Father, I would speak to thee of Love. Fain are my lips, and fain my heart to sing The glad new song that both have learned so late. Once, ere my soul had burst the fowler's snare, I heard a wild stern man, that stood and cried Within the market-place; a man by love Of souls sent forth among the lanes and highways, To seek, and haply save, some wandering one Long strayed, like mine, from flock, and fold, and pastor. His words were bold and vehement; as one Set among flints, that strove to strike a spark From out dull, hardened natures. Then he used The terrors of the Lord in his persuading; Death, Judgment, and their fearful after-looking, Grew darker at his words: "How long," he said,"O simple ones, will ye be fain to follow Hard service and hard wages—Sin and Death?Now, the world comes betwixt your souls and God; Here, you can do without Him and be happy; He speaks to you by love, ye put Him by; But He will speak to you by wrath, and then Vain will it be to shun Him, to forget—In the next world ye may not do without Him: Seek God, run after Him, for ye must die!" Oh! then, I thought, if one like me might speak,If I might find a voice, now would I raise A yet more bitter and exceeding cry, "Seek God, rub after Him, for ye must live! I know not what it may be in that world,The future world, the wide unknown hereafter, That waits for us, to be afar from God; Yet can I witness of a desolation That I have known; can witness of a place Where spirits wander up and down in torment,And tell you what it is to want Him here."

 I had no friends, no parents. I was poor In all but beauty, and an innocence That was not virtue—failing in the trial. Mine is a common tale, and all the sadder Because it is so common: I was sought By one that wore me for a time, then flung Me off; a rose with all its sweetness gone, Yet with enough of bloom to flaunt awhile,Although the worm was busy at its core. So I lived on in splendour, lived through years Of scorning, till my brow grew hard to meet it; Though all the while, behind that brazen shield,My spirit shrank before each hurtling arrow That sang and whistled past me in the air. On every wall methought I saw a Hand Write evil things and bitter; yea, the stones Took up a taunting parable against me. I looked unto the right hand and the left, But not for help, for there was none would know me, I knew that no man carèd for my soul; Yet One in heaven still loved me, one on earth! But being then unto myself so hateful, I deemed that all did hate me, hating all;—Yet one there was I hated not, but envied, A sad, despairing envy, having this Of virtue, that it did not seek to soil The whiteness that it gazed upon, and pined. For I had loved Christina! we had been Playmates in innocent childhood; girlish friends,With hearts that, like the summer's half-oped buds, Grew close, and hived their sweetness for each other. She was not fair like me unto the eye, But to the heart, that showed her by its light Most lovely in the loveliness of love. I parted from her on Life's cross-road, where I parted from all good; yet even then,Had prayers and tears prevailed, we had not parted. Long after me I heard her kind voice calling, "Return!"yet I went on;—our paths struck wide, As were the issues that they led to, then She lost me, but I never lost her: still Across the world-wide gulf betwixt us set My soul stretched out a bridge, a slender hair, Whereon repassing swiftly to and fro, It linked itself unseen with all her lot, Oft seeking for a moment but to lose The bitter consciousness of self, to be Aught other e'en in thought than that I was. I took a portion of her innocent life Within myself; I watched her in her ways, Unseen I looked upon her in her home, Her humble home. Yes; I that once had scorned At lowly poverty and honest love, I know not if it were its joys or sorrows I envied most! Her tears were like the dew That lies all night upon the fruitful field That Heaven hath blessed, and rises there again. I was like blasted corn shrunk up and mildewed, Like sere, dry grass upon the house-tops growing. Whereof the mower filleth not his arms,Nor he that bindeth up his sheaves his bosom. Earth, earth methought and Heaven alike refused me; None gave me the kind wish, the holy word. I had no joys, no griefs; yet had I joyed, Then none had said, "God bless thee!" had I grieved, Then none that passed had said, "God pity thee!"

 I said, Christina wept. Within her home There was one only little one, a girl: Oft had I marked her playing in the sunshine,Oft by the hearth-light on her father's knee I watched her (little did Christina think Who stood without), but she was taken from her, This child of many prayers and hopes: I saw The little bier borne forth; this tender flower That Love had nursed so warm, yet could not keep, Did seem to leave a blank where it had been. Christina wept; but still as one whose tears Rained inward on her heart, whence rising oft They filled her eyes, but did not overflow them: For still she moved about the house, serene, And when her husband sought his home at eve She met him now, as ever, with a smile, So sweet, I know not if he missed its joy. But oft I tracked her thoughts unto a field, Quiet, yet populous as the city round it—Thick sown with graves; yet there the mother's heart Had marked a place, and there her constant feet Had worn a path. At early morn, I knew Oft went she by the grave to weep unseen, So oft at night-fall there I scattered flowers, The fairest and the sweetest I could find. I thought, she will not know whose hand hath strewed them. So wonder and a loving guess may cheat Her mind, a moment taking it from grief I stood beside that grave one summer night; The skies were moonless, yet their dusk serene Was grateful to my spirit, for it seemed To wrap me from the world, myself, and heaven; And all the air was soft and cool, methought It kissed my cheek as if it were a child That loved me,—sinless, shrinking not from sin. Old legends say, that when the faithful join On holy Sabbaths with one fervent voice, Then doth prevailing prayer hold back awhile The edge of torment, and the lost have rest. So then, perchance, some gracious spirit wept, And prayed for sinners, for the voices died, The wailing ones, the mocking, at my heart; And through the hush came up a wish, a yearning—I know not where it took me—not to heaven,—Yet, had I ever prayed, it had been then; I sought not death, for that were but a change Of being, and a passage to a world Where thought would after me to hunt and vex, But to cease utterly to be, to find A place among the rocks, among the stones,With things that lived not, that would never live. To pass absorbed, and be at rest for ever. So stood I, holding in that trance the flowers, A wreath of white Immortelles, that as yet I hung not on the gravestone, when I heard A sudden step, and was aware that one Had come upon me in the gloom; I felt A grasp upon my arm, detaining kindly, A hand that sought to fold itself in mine: Before she spoke, I knew it was Christina. "And who art thou, with charitable hand Such kindness showing to the dead, the living?Now let me look upon thy face, for long My soul hath deemed of thee as of the angels That come and go unseen, and only traced By deeds that show some gracious Presence near; Yet, surely thou art one whom earth hath taught Through sorrow and through love this gentleness With grieving hearts, with stricken ones; from mine The blessing of the sorrowful be on Thee!"But at her words a madness took my soul; They seemed to mock me; falling one by one Like gracious drops upon my heart, they smote Its stagnant waters, stirring there no spring Of life or wholesomeness; yet were they stirred. Now would I speak with her, the fire was kindled; Long had it smouldered, long enough consumed me. Now by its flashes she shall read my soul Methought, and look upon me as I am; So, with a gesture of the hand, I led Christina, following on my rapid steps Like an unquestioning child, as if my will Had power to draw her, till within the door Of the great Minster passing, in the aisle's Dim light we stood, together and alone.

Oft had I shunned Christina; now beneath A steadfast lamp that burned before a shrine. Confronting her, I said, "Now look on me;—Where is the blessing that thou spakest of?"But to my words she answered not; methought She did not catch their import—so her gaze Was fastened on me—then her very soul Gave way in tears; she took me in her arms,—Me, wretched me, that never thought to feel,In this world, or the after one, again Such pure embrace around me; to her heart, That heaved as if it could not hold a joy- Made out of such an anguish, close she pressed me, And, sobbing, murm'ring to herself or heaven, In language half articulate, the words Came broken: "I have found thee! I have found thee!" "What hast thou found, Christina?" then I said. And with the words unto my lips arose A laugh of bitterness, whose mocking tones Through all the dreary hollow of my heart Woke up the echoes of its desolation; "What hast thou found? Speak not to me of her Whose name perchance thy lips are framing now,—The Magdalene; my life hath been as hers But not my heart, for she loved much—for this The more forgiveness meeting; I love none!" But then Christina pointed to the flowers Still hanging on my arm; "Thou lovest none!"And gently laid upon my mouth her hand, A soft restraining curb that now my speech, Like an ungovernable steed sore stung And goaded into frenzy, spurned aside,And sprang the wilder; "None, not even thee!" I cried; but then the whiteness of her face Smote on my spirit, taming scorn to sadness. "Why should I vex thee with my words; of love I know but as I know of God, of good, Of hope, of heaven, of all things counted holy—Know only by their names, for nought in me Gives witness to their natures; so, to speak Of them is but to take their names in vain. Oft hast thou told me how souls hang on God Like leaves upon a gracious bough, that draw Their juices from its fulness; long ago Mine fell from off that Tree of Life, thereon Retaining not its hold;—a withered leaf It lies, and bears the lightning's brand upon it." "Yea, truly," said Christina, "it may bear The spoiler's mark upon it, yet, like His^[1]Of whom the Scriptures tell us, may thy soul (A watcher and an Holy One befriending) Have yet a root within the earth; though bound About with brass and iron, still the dews Lie on it, and the tender grass around Is wet with tears from heaven; so may it spring Once more to greenness and to life, for all The years it felt the pressure of the band So close and grievous round it." But I cried, "There is no root! a leaf, a withered leaf, Long tossed upon the wind, and under foot Of men long trodden in the streets and trampled,—God will not gather it within His bosom!" "And who art thou that answerest for God? Now from this mouth of thine will I condemn thee For, saying that thou knowest nought of love, How canst thou judge of Him whose name it is?" But here she clasped her fervent hands, and all The sternness melted from her: "Look on me, A sinner such as thou,—yet I have loved thee; Remembering thee above my mirth, how oft Beside the cheerful board that Heaven had blessed, I ate my bread in heaviness; and then Had I known where to seek thee, had risen up And left my food untasted, till I brought Thee in to share it; to my lips thy name Rose never, so I feared some bitter word Might chide it back within my wounded heart, That shut it in from blame; but then my prayers Grew dearer to me, for the thought that here,In this pure Presence only, could I meet thee; Here only to the Merciful could name thee, Could love thee, plead for thee without rebuke. Yes! even in my sleep my quest went on; Through dreams I ever tracked thee, following hard Upon thy steps, pursuing thee, and still Before I reached thee (thus it is in dreams) Came somewhat sundering us, and I awoke With tearful eyes, and on my lips half-framed Some loving word,—recalling so the past, I thought thou couldst not turn from it away. Yes! I have loved thee, I, a poor weak woman, One like to thee, yet holding in my heart—That else were dry and barren to all good—One drop of love from out of God's great ocean. And thinkest thou that we can love each other As He loves us,—as He that made us loves us? And say est thou, 'I am cast out from God?'No! He hath lovèd thee from everlasting. Therefore with loving-kindness will He draw thee Oft doth He chide, yet earnestly remember, Long waiting to be gracious: come, poor child,—Thy brethren scorn thee, come unto thy Father! Away from Him, in that far country dwelling, Long hast thou fed upon the husks, too long Hast hungered sore, while no man gave unto thee; But there, within thy Father's house, is Bread Enough and still to spare, and no upbraiding. My little Child, my Innocent, that scarce Had left His arms, nor angered Him, nor grieved, Was not so welcome back to them as thou; Even now, a great way off, even now He sees thee,And comes to meet thee—rise and go to Him! The home is distant, but the way is nigh. Oh, Thou who, dying, madest us a way, Who, living, for us keepest ever open That access to the Father, look on us!"So speaking solemn, looking up to Heaven, She knelt down where we stood; upon my knees Beside her drew me; holding both my hands Firm folded 'twixt her own, she lifted them Towards the Mercy -seat; within her arms She held me still, supporting me; it seemed As then the very fountains of her soul Were broken up within her; so she wept, So pleaded: "Jesu, Lamb of God, Thou The Father's righteous Son, that takest all The sin of earth away, have mercy on us!" But I was passive in her arms, I knew She wrestled sorely for me; yet as one That feels in heavy dreams a strife go on, And may not stir a finger, by the chain Of slumber compassed; so my torpid soul Slept numb, yet conscious, till within my heart. That had no movement of its own. but rose Upon Christina's heart that heaved beneath it, At length this miracle of love was wrought: Her spirit lay on mine, as once of old The Prophet on the little clay-cold child Outstretched, through warmth compelling warmth again, And o'er the chaos of the void within A breath moved lightly, and my soul stretched out Its feelers darkly, as a broken vine Puts forth its bruisèd tendrils to the sun: A mighty yearning took me, and a sigh Burst from my bosom, cleaving for my soul A way to follow it, and in that hour Methought I could have died, and known no pain In parting from the body; then I cried,"Oh, turn Thou me, and so shall I be turned!"·····When we arose up from our knees, her face Was calm and happy, then she kissed me, saying, "I call thee not my Sister, as of old, But come with me unto my home, and there Be thou unto me even as a Daughter, In place of her God gave and took again,—So hath He given thee to me." Thus she spoke, And drew me on constraining; but my soul Held other counsel, minded in itself That I would look upon her face no more; Though all my soul clave unto her, as he From whom our Lord drave out the vexing demon, Had followed fain upon his steps for ever, So had I tarried by her well content; And yet I answered her, "Entreat me not, This may not be, yet fear not thou for me; I go upon my way, that crosses thine Perchance no more; so give me counsel now Upon my journey, for, as thou hast said, The home I seek is far away, the road Is strait and narrow, hard for erring feet Like mine to walk in." Then Christina said, "I can but give thee counsel in the words Of Him our Master, 'Go and sin no more!'Keep in the Way, and as thou goest, there A Blessing will o'ertake thee; thou shalt meet With One to pour within thy wounds the wine And oil of consolation; He will set thee On His own steed, and bring thee to an inn Where thou may'st tarry till He comes again; Yea! all thou spend est more He will account for, For thou wert purchased and redeemed of old: Now must I leave thee, for the night wears on." But still I held her closer, "Not before I too have blessed thee, even I, Christina; May now the blessing of a soul wellnigh To perishing be on thee! may thy love Be poured, a thousandfold by God requited, Within thy bosom." Then Christina turned Once more beneath the lamp, and smiled farewell;—Smiled as if then the sweetness of her soul Rose to her very lips and overflowed them, But spoke not: passing swiftly through the porch, The darkness took her from me.

 That same night I left the guilty city far behind me; Thou knowest. Father, of my life since then. Here have I found the place Christina spoke of,—A goodly inn, where they have cared for me,These gracious souls, who loving so their Lord, And covetous for Him, upon the coin Long-lost, defaced, and soiled, could trace His image And read His superscription, half out-worn,—Soon must I leave it for a surer refuge. I sent Christina long ago a token, To tell her it was well with me, and now Fain would I send this other one, a sign From Him that loved me in the heavens, to her That loved so true on earth. When I am gone, Kind Father, to my rest, take thou this cross. Take it to her that I have told thee of—Unto Christina.

1851.

1. Daniel iv.