Poems (Hoffman)/How Perrim Treated the Girls
HOW PERRIM TREATED THE GIRLS
The boys said Perrim was "rattled."The girls said: "He's awful, oh dear!"The men said: "He's surely half-witted."And the ladies said: "Yes, it is clearThe young man is very peculiar,Not over-well balanced, we fear."Poor Perrim, the world had decidedThat he was peculiarly queer.
And why? He was gifted with language,His speeches were lengthy and loud,He invented new words on occasionsOf which Webster might have been proud,"My forefathers and my foremothers,"He shouted—the giggle-heads bowed;When he mentioned, "dry land and dry water"There was not a dry eye in the crowd.
The young people gave a dime socialWith coffee and cake and ice-cream,And Perrim prepared to attend itBeing overly fond of the theme.To take some young lady to supper,Ah! this was the crown of the dream,But alas! very often things are notSo easily done as they seem.
He asked a young lady in ribbonsWho looked most alluringly sweetShe answered with modest demeanor:"So sorry, but promised to meet A friend, in such haste," the girl next herAnswered him: "She never did eat."Though Perrim was still bent on treatingHe did not intend to retreat.
The next one thought ice-cream was "horrid,"And laughed showing two rows of pearls,And one had a terrible headacheAnd pressed her gloved hand to her curls,But though they all openly snubbed himHe was none the less fond of the girls;
So as each smiling girl with her escortDeparted to bounties belowPerrim pondered and proved as he ponderedThat his odd brain at least was not slowAs alone, but with manner triumphantTo supper he hastened to go—"Two dozen ice-creams," was his orderAnd the maidens who sold it said: " Oh!"
Then softly he stepped up behind herThe girl who had been in such hasteAs she sat with her beau at the tableAll radiant in ribbons and lace,Her half-eaten dish quick removingHe set a full dish in its placeAnd stood there, her ice-cream devouringWith a triumphant grin on his face.
And the maiden who lived without eatingAnd the one who was (strange to recall)Now eating the cream she detested Brave Perrim, he conquered them all"Till with his ice-cream were providedTwo-thirds of the girls in the hall.
The young men glared angrily at himAs gaily he gobbled his theftAnd the girls, why of course, the girls giggledAs he swallowed the cream they had left,And on "the dry land or dry water"Had such a sight never been seenBy his "forefathers" or his "foremothers"And some beside Perrim looked green.The thing was a dreadful enigmaBut one fact was plain in its whirlsThe boys had all treated PerrimAnd Perrim had treated the girls.