Sex and the Love-Life/Chapter 6
CHAPTER VI
SEX HYGIENE IN MARRIAGE
The Conjugal Relations. While it is true that, in general, there is vast confusion about the nature and functions of sex in every department of life, nowhere does this confusion tend to reach a more serious climax than in the intimate relations of marriage.
The problem of the sexual relations in marriage is one of many-sided importance because it affects immediately not only the lives and well-being of the two principals, but usually overlaps into and affects the destinies of others.
Probably the major troubles that result from the conventional, false doctrines concerning sex, so widely prevalent, are due to the irreconcilable ideas of what constitutes the sex-life of the man and of the woman.
Woman was taught to believe, according to traditional formula, that sex is a "nasty" subject—it even used to be "unmentionable"; that any display of sexual interest, feeling or passion was incompatible with feminine refinement and respectability—only a depraved woman was supposed to evince this human trait; that, accordingly, all manifestations of a sexual nature were to be avoided whenever possible, or passively and reluctantly accepted when surrender proved inevitable.
On the other hand, the sexual aggressiveness and passion of man were duly recognized; in fact, he only was accredited with sexual feeling without regard to the inclinations, wishes or feelings of his mate. The only consistency in this generally inconsistent and wholly inequitable relationship was that, as woman was considered without sexual responsiveness or feeling, it was not of much concern to her when she was, or was not, sexually approached. It was purely a matter of masculine convenience and gratification. Woman was absolutely a negative factor in the union.
We were told of the "gross animal instincts" of the male, and of the more "spiritual" nature of the female. There was a grotesque attempt in the old theory of the marriage relations to unite the "beast" and the "goddess,"—neither symbolizing a human being—and expect happiness as a result.
It was impossible to bring about a basis of sexual harmony on such a false assumption. In the marriage relations we cannot accept as a premise two utterly different concepts—in fact, contradictory concepts—of thought and feeling, and look for happiness.
There are boundless possibilities for happiness in marriage, but they must be achieved on a human basis, taking into account all the complex bundle of feelings, emotions, passions and responses that go into the make-up of normally constituted men and women. And underlying the whole structure, there must be the fundamental principle of mutuality.
Expressing Love Deepens the Love-Feeling. Miss A. Maude Royden,[1] former Assistant Preacher at the City Temple, London, has given utterance to the following sensible thought on the subject of the sexual relations in marriage: "I think the first instinct of most women would be to say that spiritual union should be expressed by physical union, and that unless this spiritual union exists the physical union is 'wrong.' And yet everyone who stops to think will admit that the expression of an emotion deepens it. One can 'work oneself up into a rage' by shouting and swearing. One can deepen love by expressing love. It is noticeable that the whole case for birth control has repeatedly been argued from the ground that the act of physical union not only expresses but intensifies and increases love.
"Marriage is the most difficult of human relations, because it is the most intimate, and the most permanent. To live so close to another who, in spite of all, remains another—to be brought so near, to associate so intimately with another permanently without jarring or wounding—that is hard. No wonder it is not invariably a success! But passion makes it possible to many, to whom, without this, it would not be possible. Ultimately passion should be transcended since in any case it must be left behind. Yet it has served its end, in deepening and intensifying the love of two people for one another."
These words have a significance that cannot be minimized, coming as they do from a woman who has achieved distinction in economic, social, ethical and religious movements, and finally won the admiration of great audiences in England and America by her ardent championship of a commonsense attitude on the sexual question.
The traditional tendency to dissociate all evidence of sexual feeling from love, particularly in the case of young people about to be married, or even among those who are married, and to disparage the human body, has produced unfortunate results that are far-reaching.
Besides neuroses and the frequent proclivity toward vice, which is unconsciously encouraged by treating a natural subject in a mysterious manner, some of the grosser sex perversions, it is agreed among authorities, are traceable to this spirit of audacity and morbid impulse to impropriety.
It should be universally realized that conjugal love is an inseparable combination of physical and spiritual, or psychic, elements, and any disregard of one or the other, or suppression of useful self-knowledge, prevents an honest understanding of the subject which will prove distinctly conducive to marital disharmony. The psychic component of connubial love, indeed, is often just as little understood by those who are prone to undervalue or defame the physical element. To properly understand the subject, it is necessary to consider the physical and the psychic phases as complementary and interdependent.
COURTSHIP AND MARRIED LOVERS
Wooing as an Essential Preparation. Throughout nature, the male woos the female before every act of copulation. The intensity and elaboration of the wooing depends upon the erotic characteristics of the species. The process is an inevitable one, however. It is never dispensed with in the sexual relations in the animal world.
The meaning of all this is organic preparation for the sexual act. Wooing is a form of erotic preparation, physical and mental. Even much of the physical preparation depends upon the mental attitude toward the subject, although there is always a reaction and reciprocity between those two components.
Only among mankind is wooing—in the biological sense—as a rule neglected. The average man does his wooing before marriage, in the formalities of courtship. When he has won his bride, he ceases his wooing, and society, by neglecting to teach otherwise, approves the ill-conceived course.
Consequently, sexual relations are too often indulged in by the man in an abrupt, matter-of-fact manner. His sexual passion is quickly, often spontaneously, aroused, and he seeks to satisfy himself. This he does, or attempts to do, without any realization of the feelings of the more slowly moved sexual nature of his mate.
Because of the profound differences between their sexual make-up, which has behind them a radically differentiated biological history, they approach the intimacy of the conjugal relations from quite different angles.
Dr. Marie C. Stopes, the English exponent of sex enlightenment and voluntary parenthood, writes on this subject: "It should be realized that a man does not woo and win a woman once for all when he marries her. He must woo her before every separate act of coitus; for each act corresponds to a marriage. . . . "
Again, the same writer declares: "Man, through prudery, through the custom of ignoring the woman's side of marriage, and considering his own whim as the marriage law, has largely lost the art of stirring a chaste partner to physical love. He, therefore, deprives her of a glamour, the loss of which he deplores, for he feels a lack not only of romance and beauty, but of something higher which is mystically given as the result of the complete union. He blames his wife's 'coldness' instead of his own want of art. Then (sometimes) he seeks elsewhere for the things she would have given him had he known how to win them. And she, knowing that the shrine has been desecrated, is filled with righteous indignation, though generally as blind as he to the true cause of what has occurred."
The Consummation of Love. The ardor and impulsiveness of the male must be controlled, and the erotic energy utilized in preparing (wooing) the female for the joyous consummation of love. This can only be realized in a thoroughly mutual, reciprocal relationship—where the desire to possess is equalled by the desire to be possessed. An ancient Chinese philosopher has expressed this thought in these appropriate words: "Where two are jointly concerned, one must not insist."
Frigidity ("coldness," or absence of sexual feeling) on the part of the woman is undoubtedly a factor in marital disharmony. However, the proportion of genuinely frigid wives to the extent of sexual dissatisfaction must be small.
Much of what passes for "frigidity" in wives is a state of apathy or repugnance to unsatisfactory sexual relations—unsatisfactory because the preliminary wooing and consideration which nature demands has never been forthcoming.
Another type of artificial "frigidity" is cultivated by a process of miseducation with respect to the vital problems of life, to which a large number of refined women in particular have been subjected. Taught from the time of their earliest childhood that everything relating to the physical side of sex is "nasty," "impure," "animal-like," etc., there is created a formidable mental attitude of revulsion toward any sort of sexual experience. As a result of this barrier, the conjugal relations are perhaps looked forward to with loathing, when not repressed out of mind as too "low" and "base" to think of. But even cases of this kind, which involve the re-education of the wife, can be won over by a tactful, considerate husband who has an understanding of sexual psychology.
The presence of structural defects, abnormalities and chronic affections of the generative organs may be responsible for a feeling of antipathy, or even horror, toward sexual congress. This condition, however, is a problem for the pathologist, or at least for the gynecologist, or specialist in woman's diseases, and lies outside of our present discussion.
We are primarily interested in normally-sexed married people who are seeking the information which will enable them to live a happier and fuller conjugal life.
Fortunately, the great mass of men and women come in this category, and those who have not succeeded in adjusting themselves harmoniously in their sexual relations may do so by obtaining an insight into the fundamental laws of sex.
Characteristics of Feminine Nature. The majority of women who are apathetic, indifferent, or even antipathetic in the marital relations may be re-educated upon a basis of normal expression if the sexual partner shows the consideration which the feminine nature unconsciously, but uncompromisingly, demands.
This implies that the man must never force himself sexually upon his mate, and never assert himself when the act may be physically undesirable or psychically repugnant. The sexual feelings of both men and women run in cycles, but in women the variation is much more defined. At certain times of the month, intercourse may be objectionable to the woman because of the low ebb of her sexual feeling. At such times, which are readily perceivable to the informed husband, he will not engender antagonism and discord by being insistent.
At those times when the woman is disposed to sexual excitation, then the man's advances should be framed in loving words, in petting and fondling; in other words, in love-play and in the most endearing solicitation of which he is capable. He should never be hasty or rash; always considerate, first and last, of the feelings of his partner.
Dr. T. W. Galloway has expressed himself as follows in regard to the functions of courtship within marriage:
"Even in animals which live together for a season, each act of sex intercourse is normally introduced by at least a brief period of personal courtship. This may be long and complex and with varied appeals of song and movement and color. The value of this is that it prepares both mates physically and psychically for the act of mating. Because of the greater range of psychical development in humans and of the powerful effect—both stimulating and inhibiting—which psychical states may have upon sex interest, this courtship between husband and wife is even more necessary than among animals. Such intimate love-making among those rightly mated makes physical intercourse more desired; by stimulating the secretions it makes union more easy and more pleasurable; and most of all it takes an animal function and lifts it out of a mere physical state into a sacrament which binds together all the phases of human love into one. For this complete union of two persons there is no parallel in all our human experience. Illegitimate sex relations, mating without psychical love, or psychical love exclusive of the privilege of mating, have no such complete or permanent satisfying value.
"Aside from this and yet because of this, love-making courtship between husband and wife should not be confined to times of mating. Even the male birds continue their love-songs to the mate while she is incubating the eggs and when actual mating is past. Married life should continue, keep alive, and perfect that which courtship before marriage began; the development of love while physical union is in restraint. Such love-making has a quality which is very convincing and satisfying to the mate. It adds a special flavor to the joys of the whole married relation."
There are important physiological reasons for the relatively passive rôle of the female, which implies not only the fact that she is less aggressive than the male, but also that she is intuitively reserved and hesitant leading up to the sexual relations.
This attitude includes a natural defensive armor of coyness, indirectness and a tendency to delay the consummation of the sexual act. It is paralleled in the period of courtship in the comparative reserve of the female. Even when a woman is anxious to receive the love of a man, her method—if she follows the normal feminine course—is that of convincing him that she is rather indifferent and has to be won.
Of course, the rôle of the female, even more so than that of the male, is considerably swerved from its "natural" bent under the influences of modern civilization. This is due to the artificial character of our social fabric in general, and to the many incidental factors that affect our lives in considering matrimony.
The principal artificial factor is undoubtedly the economic motive, particularly on the part of parents in their anxiety to see that their daughters "marry well"—usually meaning marrying a man with money, with the assurance of social position, rather than marrying primarily for the sake of love. Mercenary incentives in marriage are not infrequent and further complicate a complex problem.
Much of this is quite inevitable under the stress of our modern society, where after all sufficient material means are a necessity—even when love is present. People raised under certain standards of living can not successfully revert to lower standards and remain happy and contented. The old saying, "When poverty enters the door, love flies out of the window," is not altogether a meaningless aphorism.
In view of the pressure of economic and other influences in our artificial society (and I do not use the term "artificial" in altogether a derogatory sense, as there are both desirable and undesirable features in it), it is remarkable that people act so true to form as they do. The marvel is that men and women retain even as much of their "natural" tendencies as they do, surrounded as they are by so many factors that are not a part of the natural scheme of things.
The essential reason for the passiveness and caution of the female is that she plays a tremendously more significant rôle than the male in the sphere of sex.
The Sex Act Means More to the Female. The male, in the sex relations, is concerned primarily with the prospect of a pleasant episode. The female, in the same situation, is concerned (and she seems subconsciously to sense the responsibility, even when it may not consciously be in mind) with the possibility of motherhood. In submitting to the sexual act, she risks suffering and dangers to which the male is not exposed.
Fatherhood, it is true, incurs responsibilities—even more so under civilization than in the primitive state. But they are the responsibilities that have been imposed by tradition, social custom and education, and are not so deeply rooted in the biological foundation of man that they subconsciously influence his automatic behavior, as is the case with woman.
Whereas, fatherhood is, biologically, an incident—motherhood is an occupation, of which the organism in its sexual expression and promptings seems to take full cognizance.
The result is, and this is an important fact, that woman has to be wooed and won—unless she is bought at the matrimonial bargain counter, and these cases are here only alluded to because they exist. It is not our province to attempt their solution. These problems cannot be solved in a book of this kind, except insofar as the sexual experiences of those concerned approach the field we are discussing. Where the problems overlap into match-making economics, we can only hope that things will turn out for the best.
Woman must be wooed and won—in courtship; and in every sex episode after marriage, if the man wishes to hold the love and esteem of his mate.
Too much stress cannot be laid upon this important point. Lack of attention to this principle, which may be dignified by the term law of nature—as it is universal throughout nature—has been the cause of unsatisfactory sexual relations in countless marriages.
Furthermore, the dissatisfaction engendered by sexual disharmony from this source leads to various other complications. As a result of unsatisfactory sexual relations in marriage, the partners become quarrelsome, embittered and nerve-racked. Neurasthenia is not an unusual result. These are among the more ordinary results that never reach the point of conspicuous public notice.
How many cases of infidelity, separation and divorce are due primarily to this cause it is impossible to say. And while the trouble is so often blamed on the "coldness" of the woman, in the great majority of cases it is due to the lack of insight and understanding on the part of the husband. He has never learned the physiology and psychology of love, and consequently he has never been able to practice in anything like its complete sense the art of love in marriage.
The husband suffers from his own short-comings, and becomes dissatisfied, often embittered. His wife, physically unsatisfied, and spiritually dissatisfied, is equally at sea, and baffled by a situation which for her has no solution. The solution lies in his hands, if he but knew the way.
Woman's Subconscious Maternal Solicitude. Walter M. Gallichan says in this connection: "Those who are frustrated resort to old adages for consolation, and profess that women's passions are cold by a design of Nature. Men have themselves to blame for their ill-success in this research. The standards of feminine virtue, modesty, reserve and reticence have been set up by men, as the dominating sex; and woman's dependence on the breadwinner and the protector of the brood has caused her subservience to man. Any divergence from tradition instituted by man as the patriarch, or supreme head of the family, has brought penalties and sorrow to women.
"The dread of arousing dislike is one of the origins of sex-modesty. Women all the world over possess a native modesty; and among primitive tribes the instinct is often very marked, and is deep-rooted in the female sex, though the form of expression varies according to race. Civilized women are forced by convention to preserve extreme reticence upon their most intimate, and therefore highly vital, desires, feelings and deepest emotions, because masculine opinion is generally in favor of vestal ignorance.
"Her deliberations may seem evidence of coldness and calculation. In all cases where her heart is vitally concerned her hesitancy is not affectation, but the manifestation of a subconscious maternal solicitude. Her choice is inexplicable to herself in a set formula.
"A man is more impetuous, sudden, aggressive and confident in his wooing. He can afford to be more love-distracted, romantic, idealistic than the woman. In nine cases out of ten there is no definite sense of paternity mingled with his intense yearning for possession. The question of a family may scarcely enter into his reflections. He is the eternal male, urged on by an overwhelming impulse to seize the woman and bear her away. Her reluctance alternately stimulates and irritates him, and it may even cause exasperation and anger. The senses have overpowered him; the reason is arrested; he may behave insanely. For the lover and the lunatic cannot disclaim kinship. Passion is an exultation and a furore.
"Women who love with their whole beings often confess that there is joy in surrender and submission to a lover. The romantic young girl dreams of the valiant knight, tender and yet strong, who has the power to carry her away. But before a woman can abandon herself happily to the will of the suitor she must feel absolute confidence in his love. The bold lover is usually victorious, because his audacity is a sign to the maiden that he represents her ideal of forcefulness; and the manifestation of power gives her trust in his capacity as a future protector. I am writing now only of love, and not of the various social or mercenary incentives to marriage."
BENEFITS OF SEXUAL EXPRESSION
Key to Happiness in Marriage. Much has been said about the sublimation of sexual energy into channels of non-sexual productivity. While it is true that sexual energy may to a large extent be diverted into other forms of expression, it is equally true that there is a point in the normal person's life beyond which this process cannot be carried without detriment to the individual. This is particularly true in the marriage state, where there is the continual contact and sexual stimulation. If this stimulus is not responded to sufficiently to satisfy the normal and reasonable craving of the sexual organism, a nervous crisis sooner or later is apt to develop. Neurasthenia in the man, and hysteria in the woman, is too often the price of an unnatural and irrational asceticism, regardless of what name it goes under or what the motive may be.
Sexual well-being as reflected in harmony and reciprocity is the key to happiness in marriage. The results are not only spiritually inspiring to the couple, and in that respect a boon to the institution of marriage, but there are beneficial results to the individual, in each case, of a biological nature, which manifest themselves in improved physical and mental health, a hopeful reaction to life, and in a most fitting sense of well-being.
Kisch, one of the greatest authorities on the sexual life of woman, has commented upon the beneficial effects of wedlock upon the health of ailing women.
Notwithstanding the unfavorable sexual experiences of a considerable number of women in the marriage state, the greater longevity of married women than the unmarried indicates that even partial gratification is better than complete inhibition of the sexual life.
Matthews Duncan declares there can be no doubt of the value of intercourse in regulating the sexual life of woman. Anstie states that unappeased natural desire is a frequent source of neurasthenia in the female sex, and that digestive disorders and anemia are often cured by marriage.
Rohleder is also of the opinion that various neurasthenic symptoms disappear in successful marriage, and that suppressed desire may cause depression of spirits, irritability and excessive lust. Dubois writes: "The moderate exercise of the sexual functions can create a salutory euphoria and calm the nerves, even in sick people; it favors sleep, and sometimes causes painful mental states of anxiety and vague unrest to cease."
Mosso, in his work on "Fatigue," alludes to intercourse as both a stimulus and a sedative. Haig gives a physiological basis to the benefit derived from the sexual act by stating that it lessens bad temper by withdrawing blood pressure from the brain.
In the works of numerous sexologists, including Ellis, Robinson, Gallichan, Robie, Long, Stone, and others, the benefits—physical and mental of normal sex expression are stressed.
After all, the relationship between health and the exercise of an important biological function like sex should be perfectly obvious. Mankind is equipped with special sets of sexual nerves, very complex in their ramifications. This organization of nerve structure was meant to be utilized. As the response to all nerve stimulus is either pleasure or pain—never indifference among normal people—it follows that pleasure is a legitimate result to be expected of sexual expression.
When the mental attitude of a couple is in harmony in regard to the function of sex, when there is insight and understanding, sympathy and mutuality, the physical consummation of love is the highest expression of ecstasy and sublimity.
That this evidence of supreme bliss, or anything approaching it, reacts in enduring happiness, well-being and mental and physical health, should be as clear as the connection between cause and effect can be.
The preparation of the husband for marriage has already been alluded to, and will further be stressed in the next chap- ter. The wife also has her responsibilities, her contribution to the solution of the problem of marital happiness, which cannot be thrown upon the shoulders of another.
As the Rev. Hugh Northcote remarks in his excellent volume, Christianity and Sex Problems, there is as much "sin" in sexual frigidity (coldness) as in excessive venery, and that a well instructed woman would not allow herself to form "a false and illusive theory of wedded love disjoined from physical pleasure. She would think it not right, after accepting the obligations of matrimony, to rebel against the law of nature by rejecting one of the most vital and impor- tant of these obligations."
The wife acts wisely and in accord with her normal rôle in the sexual sphere in not acceding at once and uncondition- ally to her husband's amatory advances, leading to the marital relations. Modest reluctance and hesitancy on her part, with a prolonging of the love-play which naturally follows, perfect the mental and spiritual state for the acme of enjoyment to be derived, as well as enhance the physical preparation for the act.
The Sexual Initiation of the Bride. The problem of the sexual relationship in marriage depends, to a large extent, upon the attitude of the couple toward sex matters at the time of marriage, and in the sexual initiation. It is true the first union may be difficult for the bride, or even painful, owing to the resistance of the hymen, but with a tactful, informed husband, and a rational insight into the nature of the act on the part of both, this should be the beginning of a rich and developing experience, a life-long adventure that will bring mutual joy and keep vitally alive the inspiration of love.
Copulation,—coitus, or coition, the technical terms for sexual congress—is the fulfilment of a natural law, and in the human relations signifies one of the most beautiful and sacred phenomena of life. It is the most complete and intimate relation possible between two human beings, and should only take place under the impulse of love and mutual desire. It is not limited to local stimulation and ejaculation, but invokes complete reciprocity between the entire organisms of the two individuals, and is no less psychic and mental than physical. There should not only be love implied, but love expressed in kisses, caresses and intimate embraces. Erection and ejaculation depend partly upon reflexes from the genital organs and partly upon action of the central parts of the brain—hence the influence upon the love act of demonstrations stimulating the imagination and arousing the mental and spiritual entities of the being. The exquisite pleasures and enjoyment arising from the consummation of the love episode, following all its stages of intimate preparation and eager anticipation, cannot quite be compared to any other experience. It is that which gives marriage its wonderful potentialities, and if they are so seldom realized, it is due in no small measure to the ignorance and lack of understanding of its devotees.
The woman about to be married will naturally help in the solution of her problems if she, together with her future husband, will study and consider this question. A common effort so made to gain as full an understanding as possible of the nature and beauties of the sex relations in marriage will be amply repaid.
As has been mentioned, but which cannot be over-emphasized, preceding every act of coitus, there should be a period of courting, in which haste should figure not at all—a preliminary in which the husband takes the initiative in caressing, wooing and engaging in the gentle love-play that is the elixir of sexual happiness. And at no time is this preparatory wooing more essential than in the early marriage relations. The importance of this preliminary cannot be over-stressed; it is as vital to the function of copulation as the actual union of the organs, and is universal throughout nature, where sex is controlled by guiding instincts. In the human family, where certain instincts have been subject to inhibitions and repressions until they are no longer operative, or at least recognizable, this feature has to be learned, the same as we have to learn many things that are done instinctively and automatically in the natural world. Even savages seem to have the instinctive sense of conjugal behavior, which has to be taught in the higher civilized states.
The reason for the preparatory stage of sexual union is both physiological and psychological. In the process of physical preparation for coitus, there is a pronounced change in the sexual parts. The organs become distended and gorged with blood, the sensitive nerves react to the state of excitation, certain lubricating secretions are emitted which cover the parts—all tending to make intercourse easy, desirable and joyful. The condition, which is called tumescence (sexual preparedness—a physiological tension), is more readily achieved in the male; in fact, it often reacts spontaneously to sexually exciting stimuli. In the female, on the other hand, the condition normally is much slower in manifesting itself, for very good biological reasons (hers is the burden of pregnancy and motherhood), and the preparatory wooing acts as the ideal stimulus to awaken the slumbering ardor of Venus. There is not this great difference in the case of the very passionate woman, but ordinarily this is the rule.
The psychological aspects of preparation are equally important, and interdependent and coincident with the physiological. The psychic stimulation releases the emotional floodgates of love and passion, and there is a spiritual upwelling that brings forth the finest and noblest qualities of the human soul.
The sexual act under these conditions, with an absolute mutuality of thought and feeling, is the finest fruition of love, with all its vitalizing reverberations. As Gallichan well says: "Consummated love has a softening, healing, inspiring influence. It often expands the sympathies, stimulates forbearance, and teaches self-denial, forgiveness and consideration towards faults and foibles. In an instance of real love the two are one after marriage. The harsh egoism is lessened, there is regard for the continual well-being of the other half of the unit and a reciprocal desire to give happiness."
In the case of the bride—the preparatory stage has been dwelt upon, but not unduly, considering its importance—there should be the utmost tact and solicitous care used in the wooing. It may even be desirable in some instances to continue the courting tactics over a period of a few days before completing the act of coitus. This, however, is not always necessary, particularly if the woman, by acquiring a rational insight into sexual matters before marriage, comes with an attitude of curious and loving expectancy.
In any event, the consummation of the act should not take place until the bride is ready and willing. By using deliberation and loving patience at this time, and during the following honeymoon days and weeks, there is prepared the foundation for happiness throughout the whole period of married life. Married lovers enjoy the finest example of human relationship.
OVERCOMING SEXUAL COLDNESS
There is undoubtedly a larger percentage of sexual coldness or frigidity among women than there is the equivalent condition among men. But it is impossible to estimate how great a proportion of this lack of feeling is artificially produced, due to the constant repression of sexual instincts over a long course of years, until the emotional nature becomes warped and responds unnaturally and antagonistically to normal sexual stimuli.
Women raised in the atmosphere of ultra-conventional ideas about the sexual question, and who have thereby acquired a revulsion, or a coldness, toward the thought of the sexual relation, would do well to see the error of this attitude. Mental attitudes and ideas play such a powerful rôle in human conduct, that a change of viewpoint will often revolutionize one's whole nature. Nowhere is this more seriously to be considered than in respect to the sexual relations in marriage. The woman who believes herself frigid or with an erotic constitution so weak that it is irresponsive, should make an effort to find out what wonders psychic re-education will perform.
Much ill has resulted from the false notion that woman is completely passive sexually. She is passive only to a relative extent—at least in the sexual relations, man normally assumes the initiative and is the guiding hand, but the act of coitus is not completely fulfilled if the woman does not respond to the wooing and amatory tactics of her partner.
In the secondary phases of sexual expression, woman is certainly not passive, either by nature or adaptation. Coquetry, coyness and other characteristic feminine attributes are positive, if more or less subtle, evidences of sexual interest and expression. Many women excel in the active attraction of men, and by a subtle technique that is not by any means apathetic take the initiative in courtship.
This undeniable evidence of sexual interest and activity in woman in the pre-marriage state is analogous to the normal sexual activity of woman in the conjugal relations. It is her privilege to actively participate and find pleasure in sexual congress equally as much as it is the man's. Montaigne went as far as to say that women are "more ardent in love than men." Certainly their eroticism is more extensive, and diffused.
It is vitally important to the success of love in marriage that both husband and wife have an adequate knowledge of the physical and psychological requirements of the sexual union, upon which so much stress has been laid in this chapter. The wooing, the loving preparedness, the physiological preparation of the organs for contact, the mutual responsiveness, and the solicitous care of the husband for the wife's feelings in the matter, are fundamental.
While it is true that the man takes the initiative and, if an understanding lover, holds the guiding hand in sexual congress, the sensible woman desirous of realizing the greatest happiness in married life, will recognize her function and be an active participant.
Malchow (The Sexual Life) sums this phase of the problem up as follows: "The woman cannot properly fill her position as wife unless she is competent to supply what is necessary for the satisfaction of the sexual function. By giving that which gratifies the dictates of normal manhood, she will discharge her womanly obligation and bring upon herself a condition that is healthful and, therefore, attractive, together with such a mental state as will make her disposition admirable and amiable. First of all she should remember her humanity and judiciously keep in control, but not persistently suppress, her sexual prompting. Willingness may be shown by silent acquiescence, and active response, as excitement increases, is indicated.
"By gentle, playful resistance and half-concealed attractions, the imagination is exercised and mutual desire originated, but a combative attitude and lack of active cooperation when excitation has been established should not be shown. Hasty action on the part of the aggressor may be discouraged, but personal desire should be warmly welcomed. There should be no submission in the absence of emotion, but the greater the display of animation after union the more effective and complete the coupling. Elimination of fear is essential, and there should be no progressively suggested actions permitted or excitement occasioned when natural intercourse is prohibited.
"Solicitation is best conveyed by inference, but care should be taken that such be correctly interpreted. Whenever intercourse is attempted the climax should be diligently sought, and personal methods to effect its timely occurrence should be practiced."
Keeping the Romance in Marriage. It cannot be too strongly emphasized that the key to married happiness is to continue courtship throughout life. Happiness in marriage can exist only on a foundation of love, and love must be fostered and attended, and not taken for granted. There is every reason why the romance and beauty of courtship should be continued after marriage. A large proportion of the marriages that have been unable to survive the stormy and treacherous reefs of sexual ignorance could, if the couple had had an understanding of the psychology behind love, have kept the flame of love burning. Tact and consideration are qualities that mean much in the duration of love. The fiery, impulsive, impetuous lover is often a selfish, vain, egotistical lover, and the passion soon turns to ashes in the wake of his hectic course.
The wise wife will keep herself attractive and pay attention to the little details of person which mean so much to the lover, before marriage and after.
The problem of adjustments of temperament and other personal characteristics is an important one in marriage. There always has to be a certain amount of compromise made by each of the principals in a successful marriage. This compromise is the adjustment or adaptation. If either refuses to recognize this requirement, the seeds of disharmony are sown, and incompatibility is bound to result.
There are no exceptions to this rule, as there are always enough differences in married people, temperamental and otherwise, to require adjustment, so that team-work is made a harmonious possibility.
Tolerance and broad-mindedness are other essentials to marital harmony. Not only is it necessary to make adjustments oneself, but it is necessary to make allowances for certain inevitable differences of opinion, ideas and viewpoints, and to respect them in the other. In this way married people can have their differences—differences that develop and enrich personality—without being disagreeable.
While marriage requires adaptation, it does not mean conformity to a definite psychological measure. Intellectual growth depends upon ready change of ideas, reasoning and discussion, and nowhere is the open forum of free opinion more productive of valuable results than with a married couple.
Probably a more difficult problem, because it is more subtle in its manifestations, is that which may result from a temporary feeling of unsettledness, weariness or aggravation. Even when people are otherwise considerate of each other, and tolerant, there are blue moments when the faculties of judgment and reasonableness are a little upset. When either one gets into such a frame of mind from whatever cause and it does not just develop from nothing—this gives the other an opportunity to display some psychological insight, which can be shown with excellent results in a little special consideration, meeting the situation as one would an emergency of a physical nature.
It may be compared to an accident or illness when we forget our own convenience for the time being, and give a helping hand. The result of treating tactfully a tempora- rily upset state of mind will do much to overcome the feeling-prove a help in a very real sense, and should awaken in the mind of the indisposed one a sense of gratitude for the devotion shown in so practical a form.
Mistakes should be admitted, mutually, and readily con- doned. Sullenness and pouting have no place in the per- sonal repertoire of an intelligent adult, and are distinctly a reversion to an infantile stage. Expressions of this kind are more or less cultivated-and to a degree are deliberate and voluntary, even if they have become a habit, and are therefore inexcusable.
Nagging may have had its historical mission when only the energy of the shrew could compensate for the autocracy of the male in family life-but it has no place in the family circle of a modern marriage based on love and respect. It symbolizes a cat-and-dog existence and not the married life of a man and woman based on equality, mutuality and love. A sense of humor is perhaps the most wonderful tonic in the world. Philosophers from the time of Aristotle have tried to explain it. They have written long and interest- ingly, if not over-illuminatingly, about it. In any event, it is important enough to have merited their notice. Encourage your sense of humor. It is an infallible shock-absorber. And by sense of humor, I do not mean a preference for the funny strips, but the ability to see the humor in personal situations that concern oneself. Do not take yourself so seriously that all sense of proportion is lost. If you have learned to laugh at yourself, instead of getting angry at the world in general and the individual nearest to you in particular, when things do not go just right, you have made a conquest that is not to be under-rated. If you have learned to laugh at yourself, as well as at others, you have made considerable progress on the road to self-mastery.
JEALOUSY THE DESTROYER
Jealousy is a destructive force which holds a large place in the rôle of the human emotions. It can blast love irretrievably and more quickly than almost any other factor. It is important to realize this because it shows that jealousy invariably defeats its own ends. The jealous person, of course, is actuated by a blind desire to retain the love and affection of the loved one. Jealousy is always irrational, and often insane, as we witness from its results that are reported constantly in the newspapers, or which may come under our own observation.
Not only does jealousy make life miserable for the one whom it is about, but it is a source of torment to the individual who experiences the jealousy. While essentially a psychological experience, its emotional reactions affect the functions of the whole body, upset the internal chemistry, digestion, heart-action, injures health, prevents sleep and is a curse generally.
The background of jealousy, as of many destructive emotions, such as worry, for instance, is fear; fear of losing the love-object. There are other feelings involved, as anger, envy, pain, vanity, and a sense of inferiority. To compensate for the inferiority which the jealous person feels very deeply, she (or he) makes herself (or himself) extremely important in a grotesque way. When we fly into a rage, we loom big and become significant psychologically-but the significance is based on a false premise, as most primitive psychological forces are that crop out of our rather undiscriminating subconscious mind when they are not subjected to the censorship of our rational faculties.
August Forel,[2] the famous sexologist, had this to say of jealousy, which he called "a heritage of animals and barbarians" "Jealousy transforms marriage into a hell. . Even in its more moderate and normal form, jealousy is a torment, for distrust and suspicion poison love. We often hear of justified jealousy. I maintain that jealousy is never justified; it is always a stupid, atavistic inheritance, or else a pathological symptom."
As jealousy is a primitive emotion, based on fear, the way to overcome it, as in overcoming any primitive emotion, is by subjecting it to rational analysis. We all have a heritage of primitive emotions, possibly in widely varying degrees, but to the extent that we succeed in acting like civilized human beings, to that extent we modify and transform our primitive urges. There is no reason why the advanced thinker cannot be as far superior to the savage on the question of jealousy as he is intellectually and culturally.
The primitive emotion of jealousy, too, is subject to modification and by adopting a rational, cultural ideal, and reasoning out our problems, our emotions become correspondingly influenced. Furthermore, the fear which is behind it loses its potency when its processes are exposed to the light of logical analysis. And, finally, let us recur to the paragraph on humor: "Do not take yourself so seriously that all sense of proportion is lost." The contacts of life are innumerable and very complex. If one can see it in that light, the irrationality of the policy of resolving the major features of the universe down to a destructive reaction between oneself and the person one is jealous about, becomes self-evident.
FREQUENCY OF SEXUAL RELATIONS
The question of the frequency of the sexual relations is a pertinent one, as it involves the matter of health and wellbeing of both parties. It, of course, cannot be answered in a specific manner covering all cases, because there are so many factors to be considered. There are differences in age, vitality, temperament, health, mental and physical disposition, etc. Sexual indulgence that would be quite normal for one person, therefore, may be excessive or inadequate for another.
We can speak helpfully, however, in a general way, and depend upon our commonsense and insight into the sexual question to guide us further.
Normally constituted persons at the height of their sexual powers, it is generally agreed, should engage in intercourse not oftener than twice a week. Many persons of average vitality may think they can safely exceed this limitation, but it is always best to avoid the possibility of excesses. Conservative sexual habits are a desirable and safe policy.
Furthermore, sexual congress when preceded by the loveplay and wooing which has been stressed, will be found much more satisfying and the period between may be longer than if the act is undertaken in a perfunctory manner—that is, merely as a means of achieving a physical climax.
Page:Fielding - Sex and the Love Life.pdf/152 Page:Fielding - Sex and the Love Life.pdf/153 care is observed in the act. In the past, when extremists and theorists were the principal writers on the subject of sex, it was usually advocated that complete abstinence be the rule during pregnancy. This demand, however, is unreasonable and unwarranted, as it would subject married people, who are used to regular conjugal relations, to a hardship that is altogether unnecessary. It would mean depriving the husband and wife of the relief of nervous and emotional tension that follows sexual intercourse for nearly eleven months (counting the six or seven weeks after parturition during which time abstinence is necessary to permit the woman's generative organs to return to their normal state). Such an interference with the love-life in marriage is uncalled for. As Paley, in his Moral Philosophy states, "the prohibition of intercourse at this time is an austerity wrongly imposed."
The woman during this period is not an invalid, and for the most of the time, observing proper precautions and moderation, is in fairly good health.
The sexual relations may be continued with customary frequency during the first four months of pregnancy, but it is advisable to moderate the intensity of the act. For the next three months it is well to engage in coitus at rarer intervals, and extreme care should be taken to avoid pressure upon the uterus. The utmost gentleness should prevail in the relations. During the last two months it is best to desist from intercourse, although some exceptions may be made in this respect. The period of abstinence should be continued for at least six weeks after the birth of the child.