Shakespeare - First Folio facsimile (1910)/Twelfe Night/Act 1 Scene 3
Scena Tertia.
Enter Sir Toby, and Maria.
Sir To. What a plague meanes my Neece to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemie to life.
Mar. By my troth sir Toby, you must come in earlyer a nights: your Cosin, my Lady, takes great exceptions to your ill houres.
To.Why let her except, before excepted.
Ma.I, but you must confine your selfe within the modest limits of order.
To.Confine? Ile confine my selfe no finer then I am: these cloathes are good enough to drinke in, and so bee these boots too: and they be not, let them hang themselues in their owne straps.
Ma.That quaffing and drinking will vndoe you: I heard my Lady talke of it yesterday: and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here, to be hir woer
To. Who, Sir Andrew Ague-cheeke?
Ma. I he.
To.He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
Ma.What's that to th' purpose?
To. Why he ha's three thousand ducates a yeare.
Ma.I, but hee'l haue but a yeare in all these ducates: He's a very foole, and a prodigall.
To.Fie, that you'l say so: he playes o'th Viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without booke, & hath all the good gifts of nature.
Ma.He hath indeed, almost naturall: for besides that he's a foole, he's a great quarreller: and but that hee hath the gift of a Coward, to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent, he would quickely haue the gift of a graue.
Tob. By this hand they are scoundrels and substractors that say so of him. Who are they?
Ma. They that adde moreour, hee's drunke nightly in your company.
To.With drinking healths to my Neece: Ile drinke to her as long as there is a passage in my throat, & drinke in Illyria: he's a Coward and a Coystrill that will not drinke to my Neece, till his braines turne o'th toe, like a parish top. What wench? Castiliano vulgo: for here coms Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter Sir Andrew.
And.Sir Toby Belch. How now sir Toby Belch?
To.Sweet sir Andrew.
And.Blesse you faire Shrew.
Mar. And you too sir.
Tob.Accost Sir Andrew, accost.
And.What's that?
To.My Neeces Chamber-maid.
Ma.Good Mistris accost, I desire better acquaintance
Ma. My name is Mary sir.
And.Good mistris Mary, accost.
To.You mistake knight: Accost, is front her, boordher, woe her, assayle her.
And.By my troth I would not vndertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of Accost?
Ma.Far you well Gentlemen.
To.And thou let part so Sir Andrew, would thou mightst neuer draw sword agen.
And.And you part so mistris, I would I might neuer draw sword agen: Faire Lady, doe you thinke you haue fooles in hand?
Ma.Sir, I haue not you by'th hand.
An. Marry but you shall haue, and heeres my hand.
Ma.Now sir, thought is free: I pray you bring your hand to'th Buttry barre, and let it drinke.
An. Wherefore (sweet-heart?) What's your Metaphor?
Ma.It's dry sir.
And.Why I thinke so: I am not such an asse, but I can keepe my hand dry. But what's your iest?
Ma.A dry iest Sir.
And.Are you full of them?
Ma.I Sir, I haue them at my fingers ends: marry now Exit MariaI let go your hand, I am barren.
To.O knight, thou lack'st a cup of Canarie: when did I see thee so put downe?
An. Neuer in your life I thinke, vnlesse you see Canarie put me downe: mee thinkes sometimes I haue no more wit then a Christian, or an ordinary man ha's: but I am a great eater of beefe, and I beleeue that does harme to my wit.
To.No question.
An.And I thought that, I'de forsweare it. Ile ride home to morrow sir Toby.
To.Pur-quoy my deere knight?
An. What is purquoy? Do, or not do? I would I hadbestowed that time in the tongues, that I haue in fencing dancing, and beare-bayting: O had I but followed the Arts.
To.Then hadst thou had an excellent head of haire.
An.Why, would that haue mended my haire?
To.Past question, for thou seest it will not coole my nature.
An. But it becoms me wel enough, dost not?
To.Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaffe: & I hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs, & spin it off.
An. Faith Ile home to morrow sir Toby, your niece wil not be seene, or if she be it's four to one, she'l none of me: the Count himselfe here hard by, wooes her.
To.Shee'l none o'th Count, she'l not match aboue hir degree, neither in estate, yeares, nor wit: I haue heard her swear't. Tut there's life in't man.
And.Ile stay a moneth longer. I am a fellow o'th strangest minde i'th world: I delight in Maskes and Reuels sometimes altogether.
To.Art thou good at these kicke-chawses Knight?
And.As any man in Illyria, whatsoeuer he be, vnder the degree of my betters, & yet I will not compare with an old man.
To.What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
And.Faith, I can cut a caper.
To.And I can cut the Mutton too't.
And.And I thinke I haue the backe-tricke, simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
To.Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore haue these gifts a Curtaine before 'em? Are they like to take dust, like mistris Mals picture? Why dost thou not goe to Church in a Galliard, and come home in a Carranto? My verie walke should be a Iigge: I would not so much as make water but in a Sinke-a-pace: What dooest thou meane? Is it a world to hide vertues in? I did thinke by the excellent constitution of thy legge, it was form'd vnder the starre of a Galliard.
And.I, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a dam'd colour'd stocke. Shall we sit about some Reuels?
To.What shall we do else: were we not borne vnder Taurus?
And.Taurus? That sides and heart.
To.No sir, it is leggs and thighes: let me see thee Exeuntcaper. Ha, higher: ha, ha, excellent.