Songs and Lyrics (Lehrer)/He's Not the One
HE'S NOT THE ONE
(Trio - Jamie, Sara, Austin, written for the aborted version of Park)
lyrics by Tom Lehrer
(no music written)
J: He's not the one
S: I think he is
J: I think he's not
S: But this is the day, and this is the time, and this is the spot
J: If he's the one, then why did he give me that line?
S: Something is fishy,
I just wish he
Would give us some kind of a sign
J: He's not the one
S: I bet he is
J: I bet he's not
Whatever became of his limp?
S: I guess he forgot
J: He was supposed to be wearing a hat
S: I don't remember them telling us that
J : But could he really have killed seven guys?
S: Sure, did you get a good look at those eyes?
J: And the suit was supposed to be green
Gabardine --
And clean
S: He is the one
J: There's only one way to be sure
S: You mean......
J: I do
S: Well?
J: No, you
[S goes over to A]
S: [spoken] Will the ostrich dance with the porcupine?
A : [spoken, hesistantly] Only if he is sufficiently --- tight.
[S goes back to J]
S: [spoken] Did you hear that?
J: He's not the one
S: Oh yes, he is
J: Oh no, he's not
S: We have to be sure, because if we're wrong, we're gonna get shot
J: It just might be some kind of a double cross
He could be a narc
They're all over the park
S: Do you think I should check with the boss?
J: He's not the one
S: I bet he is
J: I bet he's not
S: And we've only an hour to get from here to the yacht
J: He was supposed to be smoking a pipe
Frankly, he just doesn't look like the type
S: Look like a spy, you mean? Heaven forbid
He'd be a hell of a spy if he did
But he picked up the code all right
J: Not quite
He said "tight"
He's not the one
S: Okay, let's try him one more time
J: You mean.....
S: I do
J: Well?
S: No, you
[J goes over to A]
J: [spoken] Will the ostrich dance with the porcupine?
A: [spoken, hesitantly, while S and J encourage him to get it right]
Only if he is sufficiently --- loose'
[S and J cheer]
J: He is the one
S: He is the one
A: I am the one
J: The plans?
A: The dough?
S: [handing "money" to A] The dough
A: [handing "plans " to J] The plans
J: Well done
S: Well done
A: Well done
J: He is
S: He is
A: I am
ALL: The one