Songs and Lyrics (Lehrer)/The Menu Song

by Thomas Andrew Lehrer

THE MENU SONG

performed on The Electric Company
by Morgan Freeman (Customer) and Rita Moreno (Waitress)

words and music by Tom Lehrer

Scene: A weird luncheonette.
Cast: C = Customer, W = Waitress or Waiter
Menu card lists: soup, sandwich, salad, dessert.
[The song was preceded by some dialogue.]

C:	You got soup?
W:	We got soup.
C:	What kind of soup?
W:	All kinds of soup. We got beet soup (That's a sweet soup), Then there's meat soup, Parakeet soup, Shredded wheat soup, And concrete soup, And the special today: Dirty feet soup!
C:	Dirty fee--- Hey, forget the soup! What else is on the menu? Sandwich, eh? You got sandwiches?
W:	We got sandwiches.
C:	What kind of sandwiches?
W:	All kinds of sandwiches. We got a ham sandwich, Or a jam sandwich, Leg of lamb sandwich, Or a clam sandwich, Alabam' sandwich (That's a yam sandwich), Or how about a telegram sandwich?
C:	That I gotta see. Bring me a telegram sandwich.
W:	Sorry, I can't bring it to you . You'll have to eat it over the phone.
C:	Okay, forget the sandwich. What's next on the menu? Salad? You got salad?
W:	We got salad.
C:	What kind of salad?
W:	All kinds of salad. We got green salad, Sardine salad, Tangerine salad, Magazine salad, Jelly bean salad, Blue jean salad, And the special today: gasoline salad.
C:	Gasoline salad? You gotta be kidding.
W:	No, it's delicious. And every 6000 miles we change the oil in the dressing.
C:	NEVER MIND! I'll just have dessert. Surely, you must have some simple dessert. You got ice cream?
W:	We got ice cream.
C:	What kind of ice cream?
W:	All kinds of ice cream. We got plum and rum and bubblegum, We got prune, balloon, and macaroon, We got grape and ape and scotch tape, We got lime and grime and choc'late slime, Sasparilla, Manzanilla, Caterpilla', And of course plain old-fashioned gorilla. What would you like?
C:	[leaving] Never mind. I'll just go over to the laundromat and have a bowl of soap flakes.[1]

1. The last line was (understandably) changed in the actual show.

The video of this song was included in the show Rita Moreno: Life Without Makeup, presented at the Berkeley Repertory Theater in 1911.