Songs of a Savoyard/The Duke and the Duchess

by W. S. Gilbert

THE DUKE AND THE DUCHESS.

The Duke.SMALL titles and orders
For Mayors and Recorders
I get—and they're highly delighted.
M.P.s baronetted,
Sham Colonels gazetted,
And second-rate Aldermen knighted.
Foundation-stone laying
I find very paying.
It adds a large sum to my makings.
At charity dinners
The best of speech-spinners,
I get ten per cent. on the takings!

The Duchess.I present any lady
Whose conduct is shady
Or smacking of doubtful propriety;
When Virtue would quash her,
I take and whitewash her
And launch her in first-rate society.

I recommend acres
Of clumsy dressmakers—
Their fit and their finishing touches;
A sum in addition
They pay for permission
To say that they make for the Duchess!

The Duke.Those pressing prevailers,
The ready-made tailors,
Quote me as their great double-barrel;
I allow them to do so,
Though Robinson Crusoe
Would jib at their wearing apparel!
I sit, by selection,
Upon the direction
Of several Companies bubble;
As soon as they're floated
I'm freely bank-noted—
I'm pretty well paid for my trouble!

The Duchess.At middle-class party
I play at écarté—
And I'm by no means a beginner;
To one of my station
The remuneration—
Five guineas a night and my dinner.
I write letters blatant
On medicines patent—
And use any other you mustn't;
And vow my complexion
Derives its perfection
From somebody's soap—which it doesn't.

The Duke.We're ready as witness
To any one's fitness
To fill any place or preferment;
We're often in waiting
At junket or fêting,
And sometimes attend an interment.
Both.In short, if you'd kindle
The spark of a swindle,
Lure simpletons into your clutches,
Or hoodwink a debtor,
You cannot do better
Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess!