The Arraignment of Lewd, Idle, Froward, and Unconstant Women
The
Arraignment
of Lewd, Idle, Froward,
and vnconstant Women: Or, the Vanitie of them; chuse you whether.
With a Commendation of the Wise, Vertuous, and Honest Woman.
Pleasant for married men, profitable for young men, and hurtfull to none.
London,
Printed by Bernard Alsop for Thomas Archer, and are to
be sold at his shop in Popes-head Pallace neere
the Royall Exchange. 1622.
| Epistle | p. i | |
| To The Reader | p. v | |
| I | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
p. 1 |
| II | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
p. 14 |
| III | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
p. 33 |
Neither to the best,
nor yet to the worst; but to the common sort of Women.
vsing with my selfe, being idle, and having little ease to passe the time withall; and I being in a great choller against some Women, I meane more then one: And so in the raffe of my fury, taking my Penne in hand to beguile the time withall; indeede I might haue imployed my selfe to better vse, then in such an idle businesse, and it were better to pocket vp a pelting iniury, then to intangle my selfe with such Vermine: for this I know, that because Women are Women, therefore many will doe that in an houre, which they many times will repent all their whole life time after; yet for an iniurie which I haue receiued of them, the more I consider of it, the lesse I esteeme of the same. Yet perhaps some may say vnto me, that I haue sought for Honey and caught the Bee by the taile, or that I haue beene bit or stung with some of these Waspes, otherwise I could neuer haue been expert in bewraying their qualities; for the Mother would neuer haue sought her Daughter in the Ouen but that she was there her selfe. Indeed I might confesse, I haue been a traueller these thirty and odde yeeres, and many trauellers liue in disdaine of Women; the reason is, for that their affections are so poysoned with the hainous euils of vnconstant Women, which they happen to be acquainted with in their trauels: for it doth so cloy their stomackes, that they censure hardly of women euer afterwards: wronged men will not be tongue-tyed: therefore if you doe ill, you must not thinke to heare well; for although the world be bad, yet it is not come to that passe that men should beare with all the bad conditions that are in some Women.
I know I shall be bitten by many because I touch many: but before I goe any further, let me whisper one word in your eares, and that is this; whatsoeuer you thinke priuatly, I wish you to conceale it with silence, lest in starting vp to find fault, you prooue your selues guiltie of these monstrous accusations, which are herefollowing against some women; & those which spurne, if they feele themselues touched, proue thēselues stark fooles in bewraying their galled backes to the world: for this booke toucheth no sort of women, but such as when they heare it, will goe about to reproue it. For although in some part of this booke, I trip at your heeles, yet will I stay you by the hand so that you shall not fall farther then you are willing; although I deale with you after the manner of a shrew, which cannot otherwise ease her curst heart but by her vnhappy tongue: If I be too earnest, beare with me a little, for my meaning is not to speake much of those that are good & I shall speake too little of those that are naught; but yet I will not altogether condemne the bad; but hoping to better the good by the naughty examples of the bad, for there is no woman so good, but hath one idle part or other in her, which may be amended; for the clearest riuer that is, hath some durt in the bottome: Iewels are all precious, but yet they are not all of one price, nor all of one vertue: gold is not all of one picture, no more are women all of one disposition: women are al necessary euils, and yet not al giuen to wickednesse, and yet many so bad that in my conceite, if I should speake the worst that I know by some women, I should make their eares glow that heare me, and my tongue would blister to report it: but it is a great discredit for a man to be accounted for a scold, for scolding is the manner of shrewes: therefore I had rather answere them with silence which finde fault, then striue to winne the Cucking-stoole from them. Now me thinkes I heare some curtous Dames giue their rash iudgements, & say, that I hauing no wit, descant vpon women which haue more wit then men. To answere you againe, If I belye you, iudge me vnkind, but if I speake the truth, I shall be the better beleued another time: and if I had wrote neuer so well, it is impossible to please all, and if neuer so ill, yet I shall please some. Let it be well or ill, I looke for no praise for my labour; I am weaned from my mothers teate, and therefore neuer more to be fed with her pap: wherefore say what you will, for I will follow my owns veine in vnfolding euery pleat, and shewing euery wrinckle of a womans disposition, and yet I will not wade so farre ouer the shooes, but that I may return dry, nor so farre in, but that I may easily escape out: and yet for all that, I must confesse my selfe to be in fault, and that I haue offended you beyond satisfaction, for it is hard to giue a sufficient recompence for a slander; and yet hereafter, if by meanes I cannot obtaine your fauour to be owe of your Pulpit-men, yet you cannot deny me but to be one of your Parish: and therefore if you please but to place me in the Body of the Church hereafter, you shall finde my deuotion so great towards you, as he that kneeleth at the Chancell doore; for I wrote this Booke with my hand, but not with my heart.
Indeed, when I first began to write this Booke, my wits were gone a wooll gathering, insomuch, that in a manner I forgot my selfe, and so in the rough of my fury, I vowed for euer to be an open enemy vnto women: but when my furie was a little past, I began to consider the blaspheny of this infamour Booke against your Sexe; I then tooke my Penne, and cut him in twentie pieces, and had it not beene for hurting my selfe, I would haue cut mine owne fingers which held the Penne. And furthermore, for a pennance I doe craue, that my selfe may be a Iudge against my selfe: but yet assure your selues, of all euils I will chuse the least; wherefore I chuse rather to beare a Faggot, then burne by the Faggot. You may perceiue the Winde is turned into another doore, and that I begin to be Sea-sicke, and yet not past halfe a mile on the salt Water, and that my mouth hath vttered that in my fury which my heart neuer thought, and therefore I confesse, that my tongue hath gone beyond my wits: for I doe surmise, that the sauce which I haue made, is too sharpe for your dyet; and the flowers which I haue gathered, are too strong for your noses: but if I had brought little Dogges from Iceland, or fine Glasses from Venice, then I am sure that you would either haue wooed me to haue them, or wished to see them. But I will here conclude this first Epistle, praying you with patience to heare the rest; for if I offend you at the first, I will make you amends at the last: and so I leaue you to him whose Seat is in Heauen, and whose Foot-stoole is the Earth.
Yours in the way of honesty,
Ioseph Swetnam.
To The Reader.
If thou meane to see the Beare-bayting of Women, then trudge to this Beare-Garden apace, and get in betimes, and view euery Roome, where thou mayest best sit, for thine owne pleasure, profit, and hearts-ease; and beare with my rudenesse, if I chance to offend thee. But before I doe open this Trunke full of torments against Women, I thinke it were not amisse to resemble those which in old time did sacrifice to Hercules: for they vsed continually first to whip all their Dogges out of their Citie: and so I thinke it were not amisse to driue all the Women out of my hearing, for doubt lest this little sparke kindle into such a flame, and raise so many stinging Hornets humming about my eares, that all the wit I haue wil not quench the one, nor quiet the other; for I feare that I haue set downe more then they wil like of, and yet a great deale lesse then they deserue: and for better proofe, I referre my selfe to the iudgement of Men, which haue more experience then my selfe, for I esteeme little of the malice of Women; for Men wil be perswaded with reason, but Women must be answered with silence; for I know Women will barke more at me, than Cerberus the three-headed Dog did at Hercules, when he came into Hell to fetch out the faire Proserpine: and yet I charge them not now but with a Bul-rush, in respect of a second Booke which is almost ready: I do now but feare them with false fire, but my next Charge shal be with Weapons, and my Larum with powder and shot: for then we will goe vpon these venemous Adders, Serpents, and Snakes, and tread and trample them vnder our feete: for I haue knowne many stung with some of these Scorpions, and therefore I warne all men to beware the Scorpion. I know women will bite the lip at me, and censure hardly of me, but I feare not the curst Cow, for she commonly hath short hornes: let them censure of me what they will, for I meane not to make them my Iudges, and if they shoote their spite at me, they may bit themselues, and so I will smile at the, as at the foolish Flye, which burneth her selfe in the candle. And so friendly Reader, if thou hast any discretion at all, thou mayst take a happy example by these most lasciuious and crafty, whorish, theeuish, and knauish women, which were the cause of this my idle time spending: and yet I haue no warrant to make thee beleeue this which I write to be true. But yet the simple Bee gathereth Honey where the venemous Spider doth her poyson. And so I will conclude, lest thou haue cause to say, that my Epistles are longer then my Booke: a Booke I may call it I hope without offence: for the Collier cals his Horse a Horse, and the Kings great Steed is but a Horse.
If thou read by the beginning of a Booke, thou canst giue no iudgement of that which ensueth: therefore I say as the Fryer, who in the midst of his Sermon said often, that the best was behinde: And so, if thou reade it all ouer, thou shalt not be deluded, for the best is behinde. I thinke I haue shot so neere the white that some will account me for a good Archer: And so I pray thee to looke to thy feet, that thou run not ouer thy shooes, and so be past recouery before my second Booke come.
Thy friend
Ioseph Swetnam.
CHAP. I.
oses describeth a Woman thus: At the first beginning (sayth he) a Woman was made to be a helper vnto Man; and so they are indeede, for she helpeth to spend & consume that which Man painefully getteth. Hee also saith, That they were made of the Rib of a Man; and that, their froward nature sheweth: for a Rib is a crooked thing, good for nothing else; and Women are crooked by nature, for a small occasion will cause them to be angry.
Againe, in a manner, shee was no sooner made, but straightway her minde was set vpon mischiefe; for by her aspiring minde, and wanton will, she quickly procured Mans fall: and therefore euer since they are and haue beene a woe vnto Man, and follow the Line of their first Leader.
For I pray you let vs consider the times past with the time present; first, that of David and Salomon: if they had occasion so many hundred yeeres agoe to exclaime so bitterly against Women; for the one of them sayd, That it was better to be a doore-keeper, and better dwel in a Den amongst Lyons, then to be in the house with a froward and wicked Woman: And the other said, That the clyming vp of a Sandy hill to an aged man, was nothing so wearisome, as to be troubled with a froward Woman; And further he said, That the malice of a Beast, is not like the malice of wicked Woman, nor that there is any thing more dangerous then a Woman in her fury.
The Lyon being bitten with hunger, the Beare being robbed of her young ones, the Viper being trod on, all these are nothing so terrble as the fury of a Woman. A Bucke may be inclosed in a Parke, a bridle rules a Horse, a Wolfe may be tyed, a Tyger may be tamed, but a froward Woman will neuer be tamed, no Spur will make her goe, nor no Bridle will hold her backe: for if a Woman hold an opinion, no man can draw her from it: tell her of her fault, she will not beleeue that she is in any fault: giue her good counsell, but she will not take it: if you doe but looke after another Woman, then she will be iealous: the more thou lovest her, the more she will disdaine thee: and if thou threaten her, then she will be angry: flatter her, and then she will be proud: and if thou forbeare her, it maketth her bold: and it thou chasten her, then she will turne to a Serpent: at a word, a Woman will neuer forget an iniury, nor giue thankes for a good turne. What wise man then will change gold for droffe, pleasure for paine, a quiet life for wrangling brawles, from the which maried men are neuer free?
Salomon saith, That Women are like vnto Wine, for that they will make men drunke with their deuices.
Againe, in their loue a woman is compared to a Pommis-stone: for which way soeuer you turne a Pommis-stone, it is full of holes; euen so are womens hearts: for if loue steale in at one hole, it steppeth out at another.
They are also compared vnto a painted Ship, which seemeth faire outwardly, and yet is nothing but Ballace within her; or to the Idols in Spaine, which are brauely gilt outwardly, and yet nothing but Lead within then; or like vnto the Sea, which at sometimes is so calme, that a Cock-boat may safely endure her might; but anon againe with outrage she is so growne, that it ouerwhelmeth the tallest Ship that is.
A froward woman is compared to the Winde, and a still woman vnto the Sunne: for the Sunne & the Wind met a Traueller vpon the way, and they layd a Wager, which of them should get his Cloake from him first: then first the Wind began boysterously to blow; but the more the Wind did blow, the more the Traueller wrapped and gathered his Cloake about him: now when the Wind had done what he could, and was neuer the neerer, then began the Sunne gently to shine vpon him, and he threw off, not onely his Cloake, but also his Hat and Ierkin. This Morall sheweth, that a woman with high words can get nothing at the hands of her Husband, neither by froward meanes; but by gentle & faire means she may get his heart blood to doe her good.
As women are compared vnto many things, even so many and many more troubles commeth gallopping after the heeles of a woman, that young men beforehand doe not thinke of; for the World is nor made all of Oat-meale, nor all is not Gold that glistereth, nor the way to Heauen is not strewed with Rushes, no more is the Cradle of ease in a Womans Lap. If thou wert a Seruant, or in Bondage before, yet when thou doest marry, thy toyle is neuer the neerer ended; for euen then, and not before, thou doest change thy golden time for a drop of Honey, which presently afterwards turneth to be as bitter as Wormewood.
Yet there are many young men which cudgell their wits, and beat their braines, and spend all their time in the loue of Women, and if they get a smile, or but a fauour at their Loues hand, they straightway are so rauished with ioy, yea so much, that they thinke they haue gotten God by the hand, but within a while after they will finde that they haue but the Deuill by the foot. A man may generally speake of Women, that for the most part thou shalt finde them dissembling in their deedes, and in all their actions subtill and dangerous for men to deale withall; for their faces are lures, their beauties are baites, their lookes are nets, and their words charmes, and all to bring men to ruine.
There is an old saying goeth thus, That hee which hath a faire Wife, and a white Horse, shall neuer be without troubles; for a Woman that hath a faire face, it is euer matched with a cruell heart, and the heauenly lookes with hellish thoughts, their modest countenance with mercilesse mindes, for Women can both smooth and sooth: they are so cunning in the art of flatterie, as if they had beene bound Prentice to the Trade: they haue Sirens Songs to allure thee, and Xerxes cunning to enchant thee: they beare two tongues in one mouth like Iudas, and two hearts in one brest like Magus, the one full of smiles, and the other full of frownes, and all to deceiue the simple and plaine-meaning Man: they can with the Satyre, out of one mouth, blow both hot and cold.
And what of all this? Why nothing, but to tell thee, that a Woman is better lost then found, better forsaken then taken. Saint Paul sayth, That they which marry, doe well; but he also sayth, That they which marry not, doe better: and hee (no doubt) was well aduised what hee spake. Then, if thou be wise, keepe thy head out of the halter, and take heed before thou haue cause to curse thy hard pennyworth, or wish the Priest speechlesse which knit the Knot.
The Philosophers which liued in the olde time, their opinions were so hard of Marriage, that they neuer delighted therein: for one of them being asked, why hee marryed not? hee answered, that it was too soone: and afterwards, when hee was old, hee was asked the same question, and he said then, that it was too late. And further hee sayd, That a marryed man hath but two good dayes to be looked for, that is, the Marriage day, & the day of his Wiues death; for a Woman will feed thee with Honey, and poyson thee with Gall. Diogenes was so dogged, that he abhorred all Women; and Augustus wished, that he had liued wifelesse, and died childlesse.
On a time one asked Socrates, Whether he were better to marry, or to liue single? and he made answer; Which soeuer thou doest, it wil repent thee: for if thou marryest not, then thou wilt liue discontented, and die without issue, and so perhaps a stranger shall possesse thy goods: and if thou doest marry, thou shalt haue continuall vexations; her Dowry will be often cast in thy dish, if she do bring Wealth with her. Againe, if she complaine, then her Kinsfolke will bend the browes, and her Mother wil speake her pleasure by thee: and if thou marryest onely for faire lookes, yet thou mayest hap to goe without thē when thou lookest for them: and if thou marryest one that is fruitful in bearing of Children, then wil thy care be the more increased; for little doth the Father know what shall be the end of his Children: and if she be barren, thou wilt loath her, and if honest, thou wilt feare her death; and if vnhonest, thou wilt be weary of thy life: for when thou hast her, thou must support her in all her bad actions; and that will be such a perpetuall burthen vnto thee, that thou hadst euen as good draw water continually to fill a bottomelesse Tub.
A Gentleman on a time said to his friend, I can helpe you to a good marriage for your sonne: his friend made him this answer, My sonne (said he) shall stay till he haue more wit: the Gentleman replyed againe, saying, If you marry him not before he hath wit, he will neuer marry so long as he liueth, For a marryed man is like vnto one arrested; and I thinke that many a man would flye vp into Heauen, if this arrest of Marriage kept them not backe.
It is said of one named Domettæs, that he buried three Wiues, and yet neuer wet one Hand-kercher; no, nor shed so much as one teare: Also Vlysses, he had a Dogge which loued him well; and when that Dogge dyed, hee wept bitterly, but hee never shed one teare when his Wife dyed. Wherefore, if thou marryest without respect, but onely for bare loue, then thou wilt afterwards with sorrow say, That there is more belongs to House-keeping, then foure bare Legges in a Bed. A man cannot liue with his hands in his bosome, nor buy Meat in the Market for honesty without Money: where there is nothing but bare Walls, it is a fit house to breed Beggars into the World; yet there are many that thinke, when they are marryed, that they may liue by loue: but if wealth be wanting, hot loue will soone be cold, and your hot desires will be soon quenched with the smoake of pouerty. To what end then should we liue in loue, seeing it is a life more to be feared then death? for all thy Money wastes in toyes, and is spent in banquetting, and all thy time in sighes and sobs, to thinke vpon the trouble and charge which commonly commeth with a Wife: for commonly women are proud without profit, and that is a good Purgation for thy Purse; and when thy Purse is light, then will thy heart be heauy.
The pride of a woman is like the dropsie: for as drinke increaseth the drought of the one, euen so Money inlargeth the pride of the other: thy Purse must be alway open to feed her fancy, and so thy expences will be great, and yet perhaps thy getting smal: thy house must be stored with costly stuffe, & yet perhaps thy seruants starued for lacke of Meat: thou must discharge the Mercers Book, and pay the Haberdashers man, for her Hat must continually be of the new fashion, & her Gowne of finer Wooll then the Sheepe beareth any: she must likewise haue her Iewell-Box furnished, especially if she be beautifull; for then commonly Beauty & Pride goeth together: and a beautifull woman is for the most part costly, and no good Huswife; and if she be a good Huswife, then no Seruant will abide her fierce crueltie: and if shee be honest and chaste, then commonly shee is iealous.
A Kings Crowne & a faire woman is desired of many: But he that getteth either of them, liueth in great troubles and hazard of his life. He that getteth a faire Woman, is like vnto a Prisoner loaden with fetters of gold: for thou shalt not so oft kisse the sweet lips of thy beautifull Wife, as thou shalt be driuen to fetch bitter sighs from thy sorrowfull heart, in thinking of the charge which commeth by her: for if thou deny her of such toyes as she stands not in need of, and yet is desirous of them, then shee will quickly shut thee out of the doores of her fauor, & deny thee her person, and shew her selfe as it were at a Window, playing vpon thee, not with small shot, but with a cruell Tongue; shee will ring thee such a peale, that one would think the Deuil were come from Hell, saying, I might haue had those which would haue maintained me like a Woman, whereas now I goe like no-body; but I wil be maintained, if thou wert hanged: with such like words she will vexe thee, blubbering forth abundance of dissembling teares (for Women do teach their eyes to weepe:) for do but crosse a Woman, although it be neuer so little, shee will straightway put finger in the eye, and cry: then presently many a foolish man will flatter her, and intreat her to be quiet; but that marres all, for the more shee is intreated, shee wil powre forth the more abundance of deceitfull teares, & therefore no more to be pittied, then to see a Goose go bare-foote; for they haue teares at command, so haue they words at will, and oathes at pleasure; for they make as much account of an oath, as a Marchant doth, which will forsweare himselfe for the getting of a penny. I neuer yet knew Woman that would deny to sweare in defence of her own honesty, & alwayes stand highly vpon it, although shee be ashamed to weare it in Winter for catching of cold, nor in Summer for heat, fearing least it may melt away.
Many will say, this which I write is true, and yet they cannot beware of the Deuil, vntil they are plagued with his Dam: The little Lambe skips and leapes, till the Foxe come, but then hee quiuers and shakes; the Beare dances at the stake, till the Dogges be vpon his backe; and some men neuer feare their Mony, vntill they come into the hands of Theeues: euen so, some will neuer be warned, and therefore are not to be pittied, if they be harmed. What are women, that make thee so greedily to gape after them? Indeede, some their faces are fairer and beautifuller then others; some againe stand highly vpon their fine foot and hand, or else all women are alike: Ione is as good as my Lady, according to the Countrey mans Prouerbe, who gaue a great summe of Money to lye with a Lady; and going homewards, he made grieuous moane for his Money: and one being on the other side the hedge, heard him say, That his Ione at home was as good as the Lady. But whether this be true, or no, my selfe I doe not know; but you haue it as I heard it.
If thou marryest a woman of euill report, her discredit will be a spot in thy brow: thou canst not goe in the street with her without mocks, nor amongst thy neighbours without frumps; and commonly the fairest women are soonest enticed to yeeld vnto vanitie. He that hath a faire Wife and a Whetstone, euery one will be whetting thereon: and a Castle is hard to keepe, when it is assaulted by many; and faire women are commonly catched at. He that marryeth a faire woman, euery one will wish his death to enioy her; and if thou be neuer so rich, and yet but a Clowne in condition, then will thy faire Wife haue her credit, to please her fancie; for a Diamond hath not his grace but in gold, no more hath a faire woman her full commendations, but in the ornament of her brauery; by which meanes there are diuers women, whose beautie hath brought their husbands into great pouertie and discredit, by their pride and whoredome. A faire woman commonly will goe like a Peacocke, and her Husband must goe like a Wood-cocke.
That great Giant Pamphimapho, had Beares waiting vpon him like Dogges, and could make tame any wilde Beast; yet a wanton woman hee could neuer rule nor turne to his will.
Salomon was the wisest Prince that euer was; yet hee lusted after so many women, that they made him quickly forsake his God, which did alwayes guide his steps, so long as he liued godly.
And was not Dauid the best beloued of God, and a mightie Prince? yet for the loue of women hee purchased the displeasure of his God.
Sampson was the strongest man that euer was, for euery lock of his head was the strength of another man; yet by a woman he was ouercome: he reuealed his strength to her, and payed his life for that folly.
Did not Iezabel for her wicked lust cause her Husbands bloud to be giuen to Dogges?
Iobs Wife gaue her Husband counsell to blaspheme God, and to curse him.
Agamemnons WiFe, for a small iniurie that her Husband did her, shee first committed adulterie, and afterwards consented to his death.
Also the Wife of Hercules, she gaue her Husband a poysoned Shirt, which was no sooner on his back, but it did sticke so fast, that when he would haue plucked it off, it tore the flesh with it.
If thou wouldest auoyd these euils, thou must with Vlysses binde thy selfe to the Mast of the Ship, as he did, or else it would haue cost him his life; for otherwise the Syrenian women would haue inticed him into the Sea, if he had not so done.
It is strange to see the mad feates of women: for they will be now merry, then againe sad; now laugh, then weepe; now sick, then presently whole: all things which like not them, are naught; and if it be neuer so bad, if it like them, it is excellent. Againe, it is death for women to be denyed the thing which they demaund, and yet they will despise things giuen vnasked.
When a woman wanteth any thing, shee will flatter and speake faire; not much vnlike the flattering Butcher, who gently claweth the Oxe, when hee intendeth to knocke him on the head: but the thing being once obtayned, and their desires gayned, then they will begin to looke bigge, and answere so stately, and speake so scornefully, chat one would imagine they would neuer seeke helpe, nor craue comfort at thy hand any more. But a woman is fitly compared to a Shippe, which being neuer so well rigged, yet one thing or other is to be amended: euen so, giue a woman all that shee can demand to day, yet shee will be out of reparations to morrow, and want one thing or other.
Women are called night-Crowes, for that commonly in the night they will make request for such toyes as commeth in their heads in the day. Women know their time to worke their craft; for in the night they will worke a man like Waxe, and draw him like as the Adamant doth the Iron: and hauing once brought him to the bent of their Bow, then shee makes request for a Gowne of the new-fashion Stuffe, for a Petticote of the finest Stammell or for a Hat of the newest fashion. Her husband being ouercome by her flattering speech, partly hee yeeldeth to her request, although it be a griefe to him, for that he can hardly spare it out of his stocke; yet for quietnesse sake, hee doth promise what shee demandeth, partly because he would sleepe quietly in his Bed. Againe, euery married man knoweth this, that a woman will neuer be quiet, if her minde be set vpon a thing, till shee haue it. Now, if thou driue her off with delayes, then her fore-head will be so full of frownes, as if shee threatned to make Clubs Trumpe, and thou neuer a black Card in thy hand: for except a woman haue what she will, say what she list, and go where the please, otherwise thy house will be so full of smoake, that thou canst not stand in it.
It is said, That an old Dogge and an hungry Flea bite sore; but in my minde a froward woman biteth more sorer: and if thou goe about to master a woman, hoping to bring her to humilitie; there is no way to make her good with stripes, except thou beat her to death: for do what thou wilt, yet a froward woman in her franticke mood will pull, hale, sweare, scratch, and teare all that stands in her way.
What wilt thou that I say more, oh thou poore married man? If women doe not feele the raine, yet here is a showre comming, which will wet them to the skinnes. A woman which is faire in shew, is foule in condition; shee is like vnto a Glow-worme, which is bright in the hedge, and blacke in the hand: in the greenest Grasse lyeth hid the greatest Serpents; painted Pots commonly hold deadly poyson; and in the clearest water the vgliest Toad; and the fairest woman hath some filthinesse in her. All is not Gold that glistereth: a smiling countenance is no certaine testimoniall of a merry heart, nor costly garments of a rich Purse. Men doe not commend a Iudge for that he weareth a Scarlet Gowne, but for his iust dealing; no more are women to be esteemed of by the ornament of their brauerie, but for their good behauiour: yet there is no Riuer so cleare, but there is some durt in the bottome. But many a man in this Land, we need not goe any further for examples, but here we may see many fooles in euery place snared in womens Nets, after a little familiaritie and acquaintance with them: I thinke if they were numbred, the number would passe infinit, if it were possible, which for the loue of wantons haue lost their Voyages at Sea, to their great hinderances; and many other haue neuer regarded the farre distance which they haue beene from their Countrey and Friends, vntill they had consumed their substance: and then being ashamed to returne home againe in such bad sort, I meane by Weeping-Crosse & Pennylesse Bench; many of them rather chuse to deserue New-gate, and so come to Tiburne; farre contrary to the expectation of their Friends and Parents, which had otherwise prouided for them, if they had had grace, or would haue been ruled.
CHAP. II.
irst that of Salomon, vnto whom God gaue singular wit and wisedomes; yet hee loued so many women, that hee quite forgot his God, which alwayes did guide his steps, so long as hee liued godly, and ruled iustly: but after he had glutted himselfe with women, then he could say, Vanitie of vanities, all is but vanitie. He also, in many places of his Booke of Prouerbs exclaimes most bitterly against lewd women, calling them all that naught is and also displayeth their properties. And yet I cannot let men goe blamelesse, although women goe shamelesse; but I will couch them both: for if there were not receiuers, then there would not be so many stealers; if there were not so many Knaues, there would not be so many Whores; for they both hold together, to boulster each others villany: for alwayes birds of a feather will flocke together, hand in hand, to boulster each others villany. Men I say may liue without women, but women cannot liue without men: For Venus, whose beauty was excellent faire, yet when shee needed a mans helpe, shee tooke Vulcan, a club-footed Smith. And therefore, if a womans face glister, & her gesture pierce the Marble wall; or if her Tongue be so smooth as Oyle, and so soft as Silke, and her words so sweet as Honey; or if she were a very Ape for wit, or a bagge of Gold for wealth; or if her Personage haue stolne away all that Nature can affoord, and she be deckt vp in gorgeous apparrell: then a thousand to one but shee will loue to walke where shee may get acquaintance; and acquaintance bringeth familiaritie, and familiaritie setteth all follies abroach; and twenty to one, that if a woman loue gadding, but that she will pawne her honesty to please her fantasie.
Man must be at all the cost, and yet liue by the losse; a man must take all the paines, and women will spend all the gaines: A man must watch and ward, fight and defend, till the Ground, labour in the Vineyard; and looke what he getteth in seuen yeeres, a woman will spread it abroad with a Forke in one yeere, and yet little enough to serue his turne, but a great deale too little to get her good will: Nay, if thou giue her neuer so much, and yet if thy personage please not her humour, then will I not giue a halfe-penny for her honestie at the yeeres end: For then her Brest will be the harbourer of an enuious heart, and her heart the store-house of poysoned hatred: her head will deuise villany, and her hands are readie to practise that which her heart deuiseth.
Then who can but say, that Women sprung from the Deuill, whose heads, hands, hearts, minds and soules are euill? for women are called the hooke of all euill, because men are taken by them, as Fish is taken by the hooke. For women haue a thousand wayes to entice thee, and ten thousand wayes to deceiue thee, and all such fooles as are suitors vnto them: some they keepe in hand with promises, and some they feede with flattery, and some they delay with dalliance, and some they please with kisses: they lay out the foldes of their haire, to entangle men into their loue; betwixt their breasts is the valley of destruction, and in their beds is hell, sorrow, and repentance. Eagles eat not men till they are dead, but Women deuoure them aliue: for a Woman will pick thy pocket, and empty thy purse, laugh in thy face, and cut thy throat: they are vngratefull; periured, full of fraud, flouting, and deceit, vnconstant, waspish, toyish, light, sullen, proud, discourteous, and cruel, and yet they were by God created, and by Nature formed, and therefore by pollicy and wisdome to be auoyded; for good things abused, are to be refused, or else for a Moneths pleasure, she may hap to make thee goe starke naked: she will giue thee rost-meat, but she will beat thee with the Spit: if thou hast Crownes in thy purse, she will be thy hearts gold, vntill she leaue thee not a whit of white money: they are like Summer birds, for they will abide no storme, but flocke about thee in the pride of thy glory, and fly from thee in the stormes of affliction: for they ayme more at thy wealth then at thy person, and esteeme more thy money, then any mans vertuous qualities: for they esteeme of a man without money, as a Horse doth of a faire Stable without meat: they are like Eagles, which will alwayes flye where the carrion is.
She will play the horse-leach to suck away thy wealth, but in the winter of thy misery shee will fly away from thee: Not vnlike the Swallow, which in the summer harboureth her selfe vnder the eues of an house, and against winter flyeth away, leauing nothing but durt behind her.
Salomon saith, he that will suffer himselfe to be led away, or take delight in such womens company, is like a foole which reioyceth when he is led to the stockes. Pro. 7.
Hosea, by marriage with a lewd woman, of light behauiour, was brought into Idolatry. Hos. 1. S. Paul accounteth fornicators so odious, that we ought not to eat meate with them; he also sheweth, that fornicators shall not inherit the kingdome of Heauen, 1. Corinth. the 9. and 11. verse.
And in the same Chapter Saint Paul excommunicateth fornicators, but vpon amendment he receiueth them againe. Whoredome is punished with death, Deutero. 22. 21. and Genes. 38. 24. Phineæs, a Priest, thrust two Adulterers, both the man and the woman, through the belly with a speare, Numbers 25.
God detesteth the money or goods gotten by whoredome, Deuteronomy 23.17.18. Whores called by diuers names, and the properties of whores, Prou. 7.6. and 2. A Whore enuieth an honest woman. Esdras 19. and 42. Whoremongers God will iudge, Heb. 13. and 42. They shall haue their portion with the wicked, in the lake that burneth with fire and brimstone, Reuel.21.8.
Onely for the sinne of whoredome God was sorry at the heart, and repented that euer he made man, Genesis 6.6.7.
Saint Paul saith, to auoyd fornication, euery man may take a wife, 1 Corinthians the 7.2.
Therefore hee which hath a wife of his owne, and yet goeth to another woman, is like a rich Theefe, which will steale when he hath no neede.
There are three wayes to know a Whore: by her wanton lookes, by her speech, and by her gate, Ecclesiasticus 26. and in the same chapter he saith, that we must not giue our strength vnto Harlots: for Whores are the euil of all euils, and the vanitie of all vanities; they weaken the strength of a man, and deprive the body of his beauty; it surroweth the browes, and maketh the eyes dimme: and a whorish woman causeth the Feauer and the Gout; and at a word, they are a great shortening to a mans life. For although they seeme to be so daintie as sweet meat, yet in triall they are not so wholesome as sowre sawce: They haue wit, but it is all in craft; if they loue, it is vehement; but if they hate, it is deadly.
Plato saith, That women are either Angels or Diuels, and that they either loue dearely, or hate bitterly; for a woman hath no meane in her loue, nor mercy in her hate; no pitty in reuenge, nor patience in her anger: therefore it is said, that there is nothing in the world which both pleaseth and displeaseth a man more then a woman; for a woman most delighteth a man, and yet most deceiueth him: for as there is nothing more sweet vnto a man, then a woman when she smileth; euen so, there is nothing more odious, then the fierce and angry countenance of a woman.
Salomon in his 20. of Ecclesiastes saith, that an angry woman will fome at the mouth like a Bore: if all this be true, as most true it is, why shouldest thou spend one houre in the praise of a woman, as some fooles doe? for some will brag of the beauty of such a maid; another will vaunt of the bravery of such a woman, that she goeth beyond all the women in the Parish: againe, some study their fine wits, how they may cunningly soothe women; and with Logicke how to reason with them, and with Eloquence to perswade them: they are alwayes tempering their wits as Fidlers doe their strings, who wrest them so high, that many times they stretch them beyond time, tune, and reason.
Againe, there are many that weary themselues with dallying, playing, and sporting with women, and yet they are neuer satisfied with the vnsatiable desire of them: if with a Song thou wouldest be brought asleepe, or with a Dance be led to delight, then a faire woman is fit for thy dyet; if thy Head be in her Lappe, she will make thee beleeue that chou art hard by Gods Seat, when indeede thou art iust at Hell Gate.
Theodora, a monstrous Strumpet, on a time made her bragges to Socrates, of the great haunt of lustie Gallants which came to her house: and furthermore, shee told him, that shee could get away more of his Schollers from him, then he could of hers from her. No maruell (quoth Socrates) for thy wayes seeme pleasant and easie, and that is the way youth loues to walke in; but the way that leadeth to a vertuous life, seemeth full of brambles and bryars.
And to match with this, there is an Historie that makes mention of three notable Curtizans, whose names were Lauia, Flora, and Layes: Lauia and Layes were homo, common to all men; they would play at small game, rather then sit out: these 3. strumpets, during their life time, were the beautifullest & richest of that trade in the world, & had 3. seueral gifts, whereby they allured their Louers to seek their fauors. The Engine wherewith Lauia entrapped her Louers, proceeded from her eyes; for by her smiling countenance, and wanton lookes, she greatly inflamed all that beheld her. And Flora wan her louers by her excellent wit and eloquent tongue. And Layes enticed her Louers by her sweet singing and pleasant fingering of Instruments of musicke.
But now againe to Lauia, King Demetrius gaue but a glaunce of his eyes suddenly vpon her, and was taken presently with her net, and spent eleuen talents of siluer vpon her, which he had prouided and appointed to pay his souldiers: and furthermore he quite forsooke his owne wife, and neuer left the company of this Strumper, vntill death tooke her from him; and after shee was dead, hee made great moane for her death; he also kissed and embraced her, and caused her to be buried vnder his window that so often as he did see her graue, he might bewaile her death.
Layes likewise had a King, whose name was Pirrhus, which was her chiefe friend, but yet he serued but as it were for a cloak; for he continued not very long with her in Greece, but went himselfe to the warres in Italy, but in his absence she was not onely sought to, but obtained of many, and set downe her price, that before she would doe her worke, she would haue her money.
Now to Flora, she was a Kings daughter, her Parents dyed when she was of the age of fifteene yeeres, and shee was left as rich as beautifull, she had the bridle of liberty throwne on her necke, so that she might runne whither she would; for she was without controulement, so that sodainly she determined to trauell & see the wars of Africa, where she made sale both of her personage and honor.
King Menelaus was the first that made loue vnto her, as hee was marching to the warres of Carthage, and spent more money vpon her, then in conquering his enemies.
But as she was of a noble race, so it is said, that the neuer gaue her selfe ouer to meane and petty company, as the other two did; but shee had a scroule set ouer her gate, the tenor whereof was thus, King, Prince, Emperour or Bishop, enter this pallace and welcome: neither was this Flora so greedy of gold, as the other two were; for on a time one of her familiar friends asked her the cause why she did not make price of her loue? shee made this answere, I commit my body to none but to Princes and Noblemen, and I sweare there was neuer man gaue me so little, but that I had more then I would haue asked, or that I looked for; and furthermore she said, that a noble woman ought not to make price of her loue: all things are at a certaine rate, except loue, and that a woman of great beauty should be so much esteemed of, as she esteemes of her selfe. Shee dyed at the age of fortie yeares, and the wealth she left behinde her in Rome, was valued to be so much, as would haue builded new walles round about the City, if there had beene no wals at all.
Was not that noble City of Troy sacked and spoyled for the faire Hellen? and when it had cost many mens liues, & much blood was shed, and when they had got the conquest, they got but an harlot. By this and that which followeth, thou shalt see the power of women, how it hath beene so great, and more preuailed in bewitching mens wits, and in ouer-comming their senses, then all other things whatsoeuer. It hath not onely vanquished Kings and Keisars, but it hath also surprised castles & countries; nay, what is it that a woman cannot doe, which knowes her power?
Therefore stay not alone in the company of a woman, trusting to thy owne chastitie, except thou be more stronger then Sampson, more wise then Salomon, or more holy then Dauid; for these and many more haue been ouercome by the sweet enticements of women, as thou shalt reade hereafter.
It is said, That the Gods themselues did change their shapes, for the loue of such women as they lusted after. Iupiter he transformed himselfe into a Bull, Neptune into a Horse, and Mercary into a Goat.
Aristippus desired sweet meat for his belly, and a faire woman for his bed.
But in my minde, he that layes his net to catch a faire woman, hee may chaunce to fall into the sprindge which was laid for a Woodcocke: therefore I doe admonish young men, and I aduise old men, and I counsell simple men, and I warne all men, that they flye from a wicked woman, as from the pestilence, or else she will make thee flye in the end.
Aristotle, for keeping company with a quean in Athens, was faine to runne away, to saue himselfe from punishment, and yet he had dwelt there, and wrote many bookes for the space of thirtie yeares.
Againe, Sampson and Hercules for all their great strength and conquest of Giants and Monsters, yet the one yeelded his club at Diaueras foote, and the other reuealed his strength to Dalilah, and paid his life for his folly.
The sugred and renowned Orators Demosthenes and Hortensius, the one came from Athens vnto Corinth, to compound and agree with Layes a common strumpet, as you heard before of her, and yet hee had but one nights lodging with her. And the other was so farre in loue with another bird of the same cage, the which hee could not obtaine, nor yet could he conquer her affection, vntill hee had quite pined himselfe away, so that in short time he had wasted himselfe to nothing.
Plato, for all his great Philosophy and knowledge, yet he kept company with Archenasse when she was old, and forsaken of all her Louers: for she had giuen her selfe to a number in her youth, yet neuerthelesse Plato so loued her, that he wrote many verses incommendation of her.
Also Socrates for his grauity and wisedome is renowned throughout all the world, yet hee most dearely loued Alphasy, an old and ouer-worne Strumpet.
Loue stayed King Antiochus in Calcidea a whole winter, for one maide that hee fancied there, to his great hinderance.
Loue stayed King Hanniball in Capua a long season, laying all other his necessary affaires aside, the which was no small hinderance to him; for in the meane while his enemies inuaded a great part of his Countrey.
Likewise Iulius Cæsar, he continued in Alexandria, a long season, not for the loue of one, but he lusted after many, to his great infamy any disgrace.
That great Captaine Holofernes, whose fight made many thousands to quake, yet he lost his life and was slaine by a woman.
Was not Herods loue so great to a woman, that he caused, Iohn Baptist to loose his head for hex sake?
Wherefore to auoide the sight, many times is the best rasor, to cut off the occasion of the euill which commeth by women: for had not Holofernes seene the beauty of Iudith, and marked the finenesse of her foote, he had not lost his head by her. If Herod had not seene Herodias daughter daunce, he had not so rashly granted her Saint Iohn Baptists head. Had not Eue seene the Apple, and also she was tempted with the beauty of the Serpent, who as our Schoole-men doe write, that he shewed himselfe like a faire yong man; but had not the seene it, I say, shee had not eaten thereof, to her owne griefe and many more. By sight, the wife of Potiphar was moued to lust after her seruant Ioseph. It is said of Semiramis of Babylon, that after her husbands death, she waxed so vnsatiable in carnall lust, that two men at one time could not satiffie her desire, and so by her vnsatiablenesse, at length all Persia grew full of whores.
And likewise of one Venise a strumpet in Cipris, it is supposed, that by her fame and ill life, she caused all Cipris at length to be full of queanes.
And of one faire Rodape in Egypt, who was the first noted woman in that Countrey, but at length all the whole Countrey became full of Strumpets.
Is it not strange, that the seed of one man should breed such woe vnto all men?
One said vnto his friend, Come let vs goe see a pretty wench. The other made this answere; I haue, said hee, shaken such fetters from my heeles, and I will neuer goe where I know I shall repent afterwards. But yet happily some may say vnto me; It thou shouldest refuse the company or the curtesie of a woman, then she would account thee a soft-spirited foole, a milke-fop, and a meacocke.
But alas, fond foole, wilt thou more regard their babble then thine owne blisse? or esteeme more their frumpes, then thine owne welfare? Doest thou not know, that Women alwayes striue against wisedome, although many times it be to their vtter ouerthrow? Like the Bee, which is often hurt with her owne Honey; euen so women are often plagued with their owne conceit, weighing downe loue with discourtesie, giuing him a weed, which presents them with flowers; as their catching in ieast, and their keeping in earnest: and yet she thinkes that she keepes her selfe blamelesse, and in at ill vices shee would goe namelesse: but if shee carry it neuer so cleane, yet in the end shee will be accounted but for a cunny-catching queane: and yet she will sweare that the will thriue, as long as she can finde one man aliue; for she thinkes to doe all her knauery inuisible: she will haue a figge-leafe to couer her shame; but when the figge-leafe is dry and withered, it doth shew their nakednesse to the world. For take away their painted cloathes, and then they looke like ragged walls; take away their ruffes, and they looke ruggedly; their coyfes and stomachers, and they are simple to behold; their hayre vntrust, and they looke wildely; and yet there are many, which lay their nets to catch a pretty woman: but hee which getteth such a prize, gaynes nothing by his aduenture, but shame to the Body, and danger to the Soule; for the heate of the young bloud of these wantons, leades many vnto destruction for this worlds pleasure: It inchants your Mindes, and enfeebleth your Bodies with diseases; it also scandalizeth your good names: but moft of all, it endangereth your Soules. How can it otherwise choose, when lust and vncleanenesse continually keepe them company, gluttony and sloath serueth them at the table, pride and vaine-glory apparelleth them, but these seruants will waxe weary of their seruice, and in the end they shall haue no other seruants to attend them, but only shame; griefe and repentance: but then, oh then (you will say) when it is too late; Oh would to God that wee had beene more carefull of true glorious modestie, and lesse cunning to keepe wantons company! Oh therefore remember, and thinke before-hand, that euery sweet hath his sowre: then buy not with a drop of honey a gallon of gall. Doe not thinke that this worlds pleavure will passe away with a trifle, and that no sooner done, but presently forgotten: No, no, answere your selues, that the punishment remaineth eternally, and therefore better it were to be an addle egge, then an ill bird. For we are not borne to our selues, to liue at pleasure, but to take paines, and to labour for the good of our Countrey; yet so delightfull is the present sweetnesse, that wee neuer remember the following sowre: for youth is too too easily wonne and ouercome with the worlds vanities: Oh, too soone (I say) is youth in the blossomes deuoured with the Caterpillers of foule lust and lasciuious desires. The blacke Fiend of Hell, by his inticing sweete sinne of lust, drawes many young wits to confusion: for in time it drawes out the heart bloud of your good names, and that being once lost, is neuer gotten againe.
Againe, lust causeth you to doe such foule deedes, which makes your sore heads for euer afterwards seeme spotted with blacke shame and euerlasting infamy, by which meanes, your graues after death are closed vp with times scandall. And yet women are easily wooed, and soone won, got with an Apple, and lost with the paring. Young wits are soone corrupted, womens bright beauties breede curious thoughts; and golden gifts easily ouercome wanton desires, with changing modestie into pastimes of vanitie and being once delighted therein, continue in the same without repentance: you are onely the peoples wonder, and misfortunes banding ball, tost vp & downe the world with woe vpon woe; yea, ten thousand woes will bee galloping hard at your heeles, and pursue you wheresoeuer you goe: for those of ill report cannot long stay in one place, but rome and wander about the world, and yet euer vnfortunate, prospering in nothing, forsaken and cast out of all ciuill companies, still in feare lest Authoritie with the sword of Iustice barre them of liberty. Loe thus your liues are despised walking like night-Owles in misery, and no comfort shall be your friend, but onely Repentance comming too late, and ouer-deare bought. A penance and punishment due to all such hated creatures as these are.
Therefore beleeue all you vnmarried wantons, and in beleeuing grieue, that you haue thus vnluckily made your selues neither Maides, Widdowes, nor Wiues, but more vile then filthy channell-durt, fit to be swept out of the heart and suburbs of your Countrey. O then suffer not this worlds pleasure to take from you the good thoughts of an honest life: But downe, downe vpon your knees you earthly Serpents, and wash away your blacke sinne with the christall teares of true sorrow and repentance, so that when you wander from this inticing world, you may be washed and cleansed from this foule leprosie of nature.
Loe thus in remorse of minde, my tongue hath vttered to the Wantons of the World the aboundance of my hearts griefe, which I haue perceiued by the vnseemely behauiour of vnconstant, both men and women: yet men for the most part are touched but with one fault, which is drinking too much; but it is said of Women, that the haue two faults, that is, they can neyther say well, nor yet doe well.
For commonly Women are the most part of the fore-noone painting themselues, and frizling their hayres, and prying in their Glasse like Apes, to pranke vp themselues in their Gaudies, like Puppets; or like the Spider, which weaues a fine webbe to hang the Fly. Amongst women she is accounted a Slut, which goeth not in her Silkes: Therefore if thou wilt please thy Lady, thou must like and loue, sue and serue; and in spending, thou must lay on load: for they must haue maintenance, howsoeuer thou get it, by hooke or crooke, out of Iudas Bagge, or the Diuels Budget; thou must spare neyther Lands nor Liuing, Money nor Gold.
For Women will account thee a Pinch-penny, if thou be not prodigall; and a Dastard, if thou be not ventrous; for they account none valiant, except they bee desperate: if silent, a Sot; if full of words, a Foole; iudging all to be Clownes, which be not Courtiers. If thou bee cleanly in thine Apparrell, they will tearme thee proud; if meane in Apparrell, a Slouen: if tall, a Lunges; if short, a Dwarfe: for they haue ripe wits, and ready Tongues; and if they get an ynch, they will claime an ell: she will coll thee about the necke with one hand, but the other shall bee diuing into thy pocket: and if thou take her with the manner, then it was but in iest; but many times they take it in iest, and (if they be not spyed) keepe it in earnest: But if thy pockets grow emptie, and thy reuenues will not hold out longer, to maintaine her pompe and brauerie; then she presently leaues to make much of thy person, and will not sticke to say vnto thee, that she could have bestowed her loue on such a one, as would haue maintained her like a Woman: so by this means they weaue the webbe of their owne woe, and spinne the thred of their owne thraldome; if they lack, they wil lack at the last, for they wil cut it out of the whole Cloth, so long as the Piece will hold out.
Is not the Bee hiued for his Honey, the Sheepe sheared for his Fleece, the Oxe necke wrought for his Masters profit, the Fowle plucked for her Feathers, the Tree grafted to bring forth Fruit, and the Earth laboured to bring forth Corne? But what labour or cost thou bestowest on a Woman, is all cast away, for she will yeeld thee no profit at all: for when thou hast done all, and giuen them all that they can demaund, yet thou shalt bee as well rewarded as those men were, whom Esop hyred for three-halfe-pence a day to heare him recite his Fables.
These things being wisely considered, then what a foole art thou to blinde thy selfe in their bold behaviour, and bow at their beckes, and come at their calls, and sell thy Lands, to make them swimme in their Silkes, and iet in their Iewels, making Gill a Gentlewoman, insomuch, that she careth not a penny for the finest, nor a fig for the proudest? she is as good as the best, although she haue no more honesty then hardly to serue her owne turne, suffering euery mans fingers as deepe in the Dish as thine are in the Platter, and euery man to angle where thou castest thy hooke, holding vp to all that come; not much vnlike a Barbers chaire, that so soone as one knaue is out, another is in, a common hackney for euery one that will ride, a boate for euery one to row in: now if thy wealth do begin to faile, then she biddeth thee farewell, and giues thee the adieu in the Diuels name: not much vnlike the knauish Porters in Bristow, who will cry, A new master, a new, and hang vp the old. If the matter be so plaine, then consider this, that the house where such a one keepeth her residence, is more odious with slander, then carrion doth infect the aire with stinke; let them flatter how they will, there is no loue in them but from the teeth outward. I blaze their properties the plainer, and giue thee the stronger reasons, because I would haue thee lothe the alluring traines of such deceitfull and lasciuious women: although she make great protestations of loue, and thereto bindeth her selfe with most damnable oathes, then beleeue her least of all, for there is no more hold in her oathes, nor in her loue, then is certainty of a faire day in April, although it looke neuer so cleare, yet it may turne to a foule. I haue seene a Curtizan thus pictured out:
First, a faire young man blinde, and in his armes a beautifull woman, with one hand in his pocket, shewing her theft, and a knife in the other hand to cut his throat.
Now peraduenture thou maist say vnto that, thou doest not know one woman from another without some triall, because all women are in shape alike: for the sowre crab is like the sweet Pippin. True it is, the Rauen is a bird, and the Swan is but a bird: euen so, many women are in shape Angels, but in qualities Diuels, Painted Coffins, with rotten bones. The Estridge carryeth faire feathers, but rancke flesh. The hearbe Molio carrieth a flowre as white as snow, but a roote as blacke as inke.
Although women are beautifull, shewing pitty, yet their hearts are blacke, swelling with mischiefe, not much vnlike vnto old trees, whose outward leaues are faire and greene, and yet the body rotten: if thou haunt their houses, thou wilt be enamoured; and if thou doe but hearken to these Syrens, thou wilt be inchanted, for they will allure thee with amorous glances of lust, and yet kill thee with bitter lookes of hate: they haue dimples in their cheekes to deceiue thee, and wrinckles in their browes to betray thee: they haue eyes to intice, smiles to flatter, imbracements to prouoke, beckes to recall, lips to enchant, kisses to enflame, and teares to excuse themselues.
If God had not made them onely to be a plague to man, he would never haue called them necessary euils, and what are they better? for what doe they either get or gaine, saue or keepe? nay, they doe rather spend and confirme all that which a man painfully getteth: a man must be at all the cost, and yet liue by the losse.
It is very easie for him which neuer experienced himselfe in that vaine pleasure, or repenting pleasure, choose you whether, I meane the accompanying of lewd women: but such as are exercised and experimented in that kinde of drudgery, they I say haue a continuall desire, and temptation is ready at hand; therefore take heede at the first, suffer not thy selfe to be led away into lustfull folly: for it is more easie for a young man or maid to forbeare carnall act, then it is for a widdow, and yet more easie for a widdow, then for her that is married, and hath her husband wanting; then take heede at the first, for there is nothing gotten by women, but repentance.
For women are like the Bay-tree, which is euer greene, but without Fruit; or like the vnprofitable Thorne, which beareth as trim a Blossome as the Apple: This is nothing, but to tell thee, that thou must not iudge of Gold by the colour, nor of womens qualities by their faces, nor by their speeches: for they haue delicate tongues, which will rauish and tickle the itching eares of giddy-headed yong men; so foolish, that they thinke themselues happy if they can but kisse the Dazie whereon their loue did tread: who if she frowne, then hee descends presently into Hell; bur if she smile, then is he carryed with wings vp into Heauen: There is an old saying, That when a Dog wagges his taile, he loues his Master.
Some thinke, that if a woman smile on them, she is presently ouer head and eares in loue: One must weare her Gloue, another her Garter, another her colours of delight, and another shall spend and liue on the spoyle which she getteth from all the rest: Then, if thou wile giue thy Body to the Chyrurgion, and thy Soule to the Diuel, such women are fit for thy dyet. Many creatures of euery kind resemble women in condition: for some Horse, an vnskilfull Rider can hardly disorder; and some againe, in despight of the best Rider that is, will haue a Iadish Tricke: some Hawke, although she be ill serued, yet will sit quiet; and some, if neuer so well serued, yet will continually flye at checke: againe, some Hounds by no meanes will forsake their vndertaken Game; and some againe, in despight of the Huntsman, will continually runne at randon: and some men will steale, if their hands were bound behinde them; and some againe, will rather starue then steale: euen so some women will not bee wonne with seuen yeares louing, and some againe will offend with an houres libertie.
Therefore if thou study a thousand yeares, thou shalt finde a woman nothing else but a contrary vnto man: nay, if thou continue with her an hundred yeares, thou shalt finde in her new fancies, and contrary sorts of behauiour; therefore if all the world were paper, and all the sea inke, and all the trees and plants were pens, and euery man in the world were a writer, yet were they not able with all their labour and cunning, to set downe all the crafty deceits of women.
Now mee thinkes I heare some of you say, that young wits are soone corrupted, and that womens bright beauty breedeth various thoughts in men, also golden gifts easily ouercommeth wanton womens desires: and thereby maketh them become Venus darlings, quite changing customes of modestie into passions of vanitie, wherein once delighted, they continue in the same without repentance or sorrow. But out alas you lasciuious Dames, these lewd conditions of yours will speedily bring all your ioyes to sorrow.
CHAP. III.
e not too hasty to marry, for doubtlesse if thou marry in hast, thou wilt repent by leasure. For there are many troubles, which come galloping at the heeles of a woman, which many young men beforehand do not thinke of. The world is not all made of Oate meale; nor all is not Gold that glisters; nor a smiling countenance is no certaine testimoniall of a merry heart; nor the way to heauen is not strewed with rushes; no more is the cradle of ease in a womans lap. If thou wert a seruant or in bondage before, yet when thou marryest, thy toyle is neuer the nearer ended; but euen then & not before thou changest thy golden life which thou didst leade before, in respect of the marryed, for a drop of hony, which quickly turneth to bee as bitter as Worme-wood. And therefore farre better it were to haue two ploughs going, then one cradle, & better a barne filled, then a bed; therefore cut off the occasion which may any way bring thee into fooles Paradise. Then first and aboue all shun idlenesse; for idlenesse is the beginner and maintainer of loue, therefore apply thy selfe about some affaires, or be occupyed about some businesse: for so long as thy minde or thy body is in labour, the loue of a woman is not remembred, nor lust euer thought vpon: but if thou spend thy time idly amongst women, thou art like vnto him which playeth with the Bee, who may sooner feele of her sting then taste of her honey: he that toucheth pitch may be defiled therewith, Roses vnaduisedly gathered pricke our fingers, Bees vngently handled, sting our faces: and yet the one is pleasant, and the other is profitable. And if thou be in company of women, the Diuell himselfe hath not more illusions to get men into his Net, then women haue deuices and inuentions to allure men into their loue; and if thou suffer thy selfe once to be led into fooles Paradice, (that is to say) the Bed or Closet wherein a woman is, (then I say) thou art like a Bird snared in a Lime-bush, which the more the striueth, the faster she is. It is vnpossible to fall amongst stones, and not be hurt; or amongst thornes, and not be prickt; or amongst Nettles, and not be stung: A man cannot carry fire in his bosome, and not burne his cloathing; no more can a man liue in loue, but it is a life as wearisome as Hell: and hee that marryeth a Wife, marcheth himselfe vnto many troubles. If thou marryest a still and quiet woman, it will seeme to thee, that thou ridest but an ambling Horse to Hell; but if with one that is froward and vnquiet, then thou wert as good ride a trotting Horse to the Diuell. Heerein I will not be my owne caruer, but I referre you to the iudgement of those which haue seene the troubles, and felt the torments: for none are better able to iudge of womens qualities, then those which haue them; none feeles the hardnesse of the Flint, but he that strikes it; none knowes where the shooe pincheth, but he that weares it. It is said, that a man should eate a Bushell of Salt with one which hee meanes to make his Friend, before hee put any great confidence or trust in him: And if thou be so long in choosing a Friend, in my minde thou hadst neede to eate two Bushels of Salt with a Woman, before thou make her thy Wife; otherwise, before thou hast eaten one Bushell with her, thou shalt taste of ten quarters of sorrow, and for euery dram of Pleasure an Ounce of Paine, and for euery Pint of Honey a Gallon of Gall, and for euery Inch of Mirth an Ell of moane. In the beginning a womans loue seemeth delightfull, but endeth with destruction; therefore hee that trusteth to the loue of a woman, shall be as sure as hee that hangeth by the lease of a tree in the latter end of Summer: and yet there is a great difference betwixt the standing poole, and the running streame, although they are both waters.
Therefore of two euils, chuse the least, and auoyd the greatest. But my meaning is not here to aduise thee to chuse the least woman: tor the little women are as vnhappy as the greatest; for though their statures be little, yet their hearts are big: then speake faire to all, but trust none, and say with Diogenes, It is too soone for a young man to marry, and too late for old men. One asked a Phylosopher, what the life of a married man was? hee answered, Misery: And what is his felicitie? Miserie: for he still lingers in hope of further ioy: And what is his end? and he still answered, Misery.
There are sixe kindes of women that thou shouldest take heede that thou match not thy selfe to any one of them: that is to say, good nor bad, faire nor foule, rich nor poore; for if thou marrieft one that is good, thou mayst quickly spill her with too much making of her: for when prouender prickes a woman, then shee will grow knauish: and if bad, then thou must support her in all her bad actions, and that will be so wearisome vnto thee, that thou hadst as good draw water continually to fill a bottomlesse tub: if she be faire, then thou must doe nothing else but watch her: and if shee bee foule and loathsome, who can abide her? if she bee rich, then thou must forbeare her because of her wealth: and if she be poore, then thou must needes maintaine her.
For if a woman be neuer so rich in dowrie, happy by her good name, beautifull of body, sober of countenance, eloquent in speech, and adorned with vertue, yet they haue one ill qualitie or other, which ouerthroweth all the other: like vnto that Cow which giueth great store of milke, and presently striketh it downe with her foot: such a Cow is as much to be blamed for the losse, as to be commended for the gift: or like as when men talke of such a man, or such a man, hee is an excellent good workman, or he is a good Chirurgion, or a good Physitian, or he is a pretty fellow of his hands, but if they conclude with this word, But it is pitty, hee hath one fault, which commonly in some men is drunkennesse: then I say, if he were endued with all the former qualities, yet they cannot gain him so much credit to counterpoyse the discredit that commeth thereby.
It is said of men, that they haue that one fault, but of women it is sayd that they haue two faults, that is to say, they can neither say well, nor doe well: there is a saying that goeth thus; That things farre fetcht and deare bought are of vs most dearely beloued: the like may bee sayd of women, although many of them are not farre fetched, yet they are deare bought; yea, and so deare, that many a man curseth his hard penniworth, and bannes his owne heart. For the pleasure of the fairest woman in the world lasteth but a hony-moone, that is, while a man hath glutted his affections, and reaped the first fruit: his pleasure being past, sorrow and repentance remaineth still with him.
Therefore to make thee the stronger to striue against these tame Serpents, thou shalt haue more strings to thy bow then one: it is safe riding at two ankers, alwaies looke before thou leape, least thy shins thou chance to breake. Now the fire is kindled, let vs burne the other faggot, and so to our matter againe.
If a woman be neuer so comely, thinke her a counterfait: if neuer so straight, thinke her crooked; if she bee well set, call her a bosse; if slender, a hazell twigge; if browne, thinke her as blacke a as Crow; if well-coloured, a painted wall; if sad, or shame-fac’d, then thinke her a clowne; if merry and pleasant, then she is the liker to be a wanton. But if thou bee such a foole, that thou wilt spend thy time and treasure, the one in the loue of women, and the other to delight them; in my minde thou resemblest the simple Indians, who apparel themselues most richly when they goe to be burned.
But what should I say? some would not giue their bable for the Tower of London. He that hath sailed at Sea, hath seene the dangers, and he that is married, can tell of his owne woe, but he chat was neuer burnt, will neuer dread the fire. Some will goe to Dice, although they see others loose their money at Play, and some will marry though they beg together. Is it not strange that men should be so foolish to dote on women, who differ so farre in nature from men? for a man delights in armes, and in hearing the ratling drums, but a woman loues to heare sweet Musicke on the Lute, Cittern, or Bandora: a man reioyceth to march among the murthered carkasses, but a woman to dance on a silken carpet; a man loues to heare the threatnings of his Princes enemies, but a woman weepes when she heares of warres: a man loues to lye on the cold grasse, but a woman must be wrapped in warme mantles: a man triumphes at warres, but a woman reioyceth more at peace.
If a man talke of any kinde of beast or fowle, presently the nature is knowne: as for example, the Lyons are all strong and hardy, the Hares are all fearefull and cowardly, the Doues are all simple, and so of all beasts and fowles the like I meane, few or none swaruing from his kinde; but women haue more contrary sorts of behauiour then there be women: and therefore impossible for a man to know all, no nor one part of womens qualities, all the dayes of his life.
Some with sweet words vndermine their husbands, as Dalila did Sampson, and some with chiding and brawling are made weary of the world, as Socrates and others: Socrates when his wife did chide and brawle, would goe out of the house till all were quiet againe: but because hee would not scould with her againe, it grieued her the more; for on a time shee watched his going out, and threw a chamber-pot out of a window on his head; Ha, ha, quoth hee, I thought after all this thunder there would come raine.
There is an history maketh mention of one named Annynius, who inuited a friend of his to go home with him to supper; but when he came home, he found his wife chiding and brawling with her Maidens, whereat his guest was very much discontented. Annynius turning to him, said: Good Lord how impatient art thou? I haue suffered her these twenty yeeres, and canst not thou abide her two howres? by which meanes he caused his wife to leaue chiding, and laughed out the matter.
There is no woman but either she hath a long tongue, or a longing tooth, and they ar etwo ill neighbours, if they dwell together: for the one will lighten the purse, if it be still pleased, and the other will waken thee from thy sleepe, if it be not charmed. Is it not strange of what kinde of mettall a womans tongue is made, that neither correction can chasten, nor faire meanes quiet? for there is a kinde of venome in it, that neither by faire meanes nor foule they are to bee ruled. All beasts by men are made tame, but a womans tongue will neuer bee tame; it is but a small thing and seldome seene, but it is often heard, to the terrour and vtter confusion of many a man.
Therefore as a sharpe bit curbes a froward horse, euen so a curst woman must be roughly vsed: but if women could hold their tongues, then many times men would hold their hands. As the best metled blade is mixt with iron, euen so the best woman that is, is not free from faults: the goodliest gardens are not free from weedes, ne more is the best, nor fairest woman from ill deedes.
Diuers beasts and fowles by nature have more strength in one part of the body then in another; as the Eagle is the beake, the Vnicorne in the horne, the Bull in the head, the Beare in the armes, the Horse in his Brest, the Dogge in his teeth, the Serpent in his taile: but a womans chiefe strength is in her tongue. The Serpent hath not so much venome in his taile, as she hath in her tongue; and as the Serpent neuer leaueth hissing and stinging, and seeking to doe mischiefe: euen so, some women are neuer well, except they bee casting out venome with their tongues, to the hure of their husbands, or of their neighbours. Therefore he that will disclose his secrets to a woman, is worthy to haue his haire cut with Sampson: for, if thou vnfoldest any thing of secret to a woman, the more thou chargest her to keepe it close, the more the will seeme as it were to be with childe till shee haue reuealed it amongst her gossips; yet if one should make doubt of her secrecie, she would seeme angry, and say, I am no such light Huswife of my tongue, as they whose secrets lye at their tongues ends, which flies abroad so soone as they open their mouthes; therefore feare not to disclose your secrets to mee, for I was neuer touched with any straine of my tongue in my life; nay, she will not sticke to sweare that she will treade it vnder foote, or bury it vnder a stone: yet for all this beleeue her not, for euery woman hath one especiall gossip at the least, which she doth loue and affect aboue all the rest, and vnto her shee runneth with all the secrets she knoweth.
There is a history maketh mention of one Lyas, whom King Amasis commanded to goe into the Market, and to buy the best and profitablest meat he could get; and hee bought nothing but tongues: the King asked him the reason why be bought no other meat, who made this answer: I was commanded to buy the best meate; and from the tongue come many good and profitable speeches. Then the King sent him againe, and bad him buy the worst and vnprofitablest meates and he likewise bought nothing but tongues. The King againe asked him the reason: from nothing (sayd hee) commeth worse venome then from the tongue, and such tongues most women haue.
Romane histories make mention of one of the chiefe Gouernours of Rome, that had a sonne, whose name was Pairias, whose father tooke him with him to the Counsel-house, that thereby he might learne wisedome; wishing him withall to keepe their secrets. His mother was diuers times asking of the Boy what they did at the Counsel-house, and what the cause was of their often meeting. On a time young Papirus fearing to displease his Father, and hoping to satisfie his mother, told her this: Mother (sayd he) there is hard hold amongst them about making of a Law, that euery man shall haue two Wiues, or euery woman two husbands; and so farre as I can perceiue, it is likely to be concluded vpon, that every man shall have two wiues.
The next day when he and his father were gone to the Counsell-house, she bestirred her selfe, and got most of the chiefe women of the Cittie together, and told then what a law was like to be made, if it were not preuented: and so to the Counsell-house they went a great flocke of them. But when they came in, the Gouernours were all amazed, and asked the cause of their comming. And one of the women hauing leaue to speake, sayd thus: Whereas you are about to make a law, that euery man shall haue two wiues, consider with your selues what vnquietnesse and strife thereby will arise but (said she) it were better that one woman might haue two husbands, that if the one were on businesse abroad, the other might be at home. Now when the Gouernours heard this speech, they maruelled whereupon it should arise: then young Papirius requested that he might speake, who presently resolued them the cause of the womens comming; so they greatly commended the Boy, and laughed the women to scorne.
Here thou maist perceiue by a taste, what Wine is in the But: if the Dragons head be full of poyson, what venome then (thinkest thou) lurketh in the taile? All this is but to tell thee of the doubts and dangers that come by marriage; yet I would not haue all to feare to lye in the grasse, because a Snake lyeth there; nor all men feare to goe to Sea, because some men are drowned at Sea; neither doe I warne all men to feare to goe to their beds, because many die in their beds: then marry a Gods name, but againe, and againe take heed to the choyce of thy wife.
Marry not for beauty without vertue, nor chuse for riches without good conditions. Salomon amongst many other notable sentences fit for this purpose, saith, that a faire woman without discreet manners, is like a gold ring in a Swines snowt. And if thou marriest for wealth, then thy wife many times will cast it in thy dish, saying, that of a begger shee made thee a man. Againe, if thou marryest for beauty, and aboue chy calling, thou must not onely beare with thy wiues folly, but with many vnhappy words; for she will say, she was blinded in fancying thee: for shee might haue had Captaine such a one, or this Gentleman, or that, so that thou shalt neuer neede to craue a foule word at her hand in seauen yeares, for thou shalt haue enough without asking; besides I feare me thou wilt bee better headed then wedded, for shee will make thee weare an Oxe feather in thy Cap; yet hee which hath a faire wife, will aduenture on a thousand infamies, onely in hope to keepe her in the state of an honest woman: but if she be ill-giuen, doe what thou canst, breake thy heart, and bend thy study neuer so much, yet all will not serue; thou mayest let her goe all houres of the night, she will neuer meet with a worse then her selfe, except she meet with the diuell himselfe.
Therefore yet once more I aduise thee in the choyse of thy wife, to haue a speciall regard to her qualities and conditions, before thou shake hands, or iumpe a match with her: Also enquire and marke the life and conuersation of her Parents, let the old Prouerbe put thee in minde hereof; that an euill Bird layeth an ill Eege, the Cat will after her kinde, an ill Tree cannot bring foorth good fruite, the young Cub groweth craftie like the Damme, the young Cocke croweth as the olde, and it is a verie rare matter to see Children tread out of the paths of their Parents. He that commeth into a Faire to buy an Horse, will pry into euery part, to see whether he be found of winde and limbe, and without cracke or flaw, and whether his breeding were in a hard soyle, or whether he bee well paced, and likewise he will haue a care that his horse shall haue all outward markes which betoken a good horse, yet with all the cunning he hath he may bee deceiued; but if he proue a Iade, he may put him away at the next Faire.
But if in choyse of thy wife thou be deceiued, as many men are, thou must stand to thy word, which thou madest before the whole Parish, which was, to take her for better for worse, for there is no refusing: shee will sticke to thee as close as a saddle to a horse backe, and if she be frowardly giuen, then shee will vexe thee night and day.
Among the quietest couples that are, yet houshold iars will arise, but yet such quarrels which happen in the day, are often qualified with kisses in the night; but if it be not so ended, their thrift will goe forward like the carriage which is drawne between two horses, taile to taile, & if she cannot reuenge her selfe with her tongue, nor with her hands, nor with conueying thy goods, yet she will pay thee home priuately; for if thou strike with thy sword, she will strike with the scabbard. Chuse not the rapier by his ringing, nor thy wife by her singing; for if thou doest, thou mayst be very well deceiued in both, for thy rapier may proue a Iade, and thy wife bur little better.
Now, if thou ask mee how thou shouldest chuse thy wife? I answere, that thou hast the whole world to make choyse, and yet thou mayest be deceiued. An ancient Father being asked by a yong man how he should chuse a wife, he answered him thus: When thou seest a flocke of Maidens together, hood-winke thy selfe fast, and runne amongst them, and looke which thou catchest, let her be thy wife. The yong man told him, that if hee went blind-folded he might be deceiued: and so thou mayest (quoth the old man) if thy eyes were open; for in the choyse of thy wife, thou must not trust thine owne eyes, for they will deceiue thee, and be the cause of thy woe: for she may seeme good whose waste is likea wand, or she which hath a spider-fingered hand, or she which on her tip-toes still doth stand, and neuer reades but in a golden booke, nor will not be caught but with a golden hooke; or such a one as can stroke a beard, or looke a head, and of euery Flea make her selfe afraide; if one had a spring, such a wench would make him a begger, if he were halfe a king: then this is no bargaine for thee. But harke a little further: the best time for a yong man to marry, is at the age of twenty and fiue, and then to take a wife of the age of seuenteene yeeres, or thereabout, rather a Maide then a widdow; for a widdow is framed to the conditions of another man, and can hardly be altered, so that thy paines will be double: for thou must vnlearne a widdow, and make her forget and forgoe her former corrupt and disordered behauiour, the which is hardly to be done: but a young woman of tender yeeres is flexible and bending, obedient and subiect to doe any thing, according to the will and pleasure of her husband.
And if thy state be good, marry neere home, and at leisure; but if thy syate be weake and poore, then to better thy selfe, after inquiry made of her wealth and conditions, goe farre off, and dispatch it quickely, for doubt of tailing speeches, which commonly in these cafes runne betwixt party and party, and breake it off, euen then when it is come to the vp shot: but as I haue already sayd, before thou put thy foote out of doores, make diligent inquiry of her behauiour; for by the Market-folke thou shalt heare how the marker goeth: for by inquiry thou shalt heare whether she he wise, vertuous and kinde, wearing but her owne proper haire, and such garments as her friends estate will affoord; or whether she loue to keepe within the house, and to the seruants have a watchfull eye; or if she haue a care when to spend, and when to spare, and to be content with what God doth send, or if she can shed no kinde of vnfained teares; but when iust cause of heartie sorrow is, and that in wealth and woe, in sickenesse and in health, she will be all alike: such a wife will make thee a happy man in thy choyse.
Although some happen on a diuellish and vnhappy woman, yet all men doe not so; and such as happen ill, it is a warning to make them wise, if they make a second choyse, not that all other shall haue the like fortune: the Sunne shineth vpon the good and bad, and many a man happeneth sooner on a shrew then a sheepe. Some thriue by dicing, but not one in a hundred; therefore dicing is ill husbandry: some thriue by marriage, and yet many are vndone by marriage; for marriage is either the making or marring of many a man: and yet I will not say, but amongst Dust there are Pearles found, and in hard Rockes Diamonds of great value, and so amongst many women there are some good, as that gracious and glorious Qaeene of all women kinde, the Virgin Mary, the mother of all blisse: what won her honour, but an humble minde, and her paines and lone vnto our Sauiour Christ?
Sara is commended for the earnest loue that shee bare to her husband, not onely for calling him Lord, bur for many other qualities. Also Susanna for her chastitie, and for creeping on her knees to please her husband: but there are meaner histories which make mention of many others; as that of Demetryes, how that she was content to runne Lackey by her husbands side.
Likewise Lucretia, for the loue and loyalty that shee bare to her husband, being vnkindely abused by an vnchaste lecher against her will, she presently slew her selfe in the presence of many, rather then she would offer her body againe to her husband, being but once defiled.
It is recorded of an Earle called Gunzales, that vpon the Kings displeasure was committed to prison, and his wife hauing libertie to visite him in prison, on a time she caused him to put off his apparell, and to put on hers, and so by that meanes got out by the Porter, and she remained in prison, and so by this meanes hee escaped the angry rage of his Prince, and afterwards his wife was deliuered also.
Likewise it was no small loue that Artymenos bare to her husband; for after his death shee built such a famous Sepulchre (and bestowed the greatest part or her wealth theron) in so much as at this day it is called one of the seauen great wonders of the world.
Also Pliny makes mention of a Fisher-man which dwelt neere vnto the Sea-side, and he fell sicke of an vncurable disease, by which meanes hee endured such torment and paine, that it would haue grieued any creature to behold him; his carefull and louing wife laboured and trauelled farre and neere to procure his health againe, but at last seeing all meanes in vaine, shee brake out with him in these words: Death at one time or another will come, and therefore rather then you should any longer endure this miserable life, I am content that both of vs preuent death before he come: so this poore grieued man did yeeld to her counsell, and they went forth to the top of an exceeding high rocke, and there this woman bound her selfe fast to her husband, and from thence casting themselues downe, ended their liues together.
Now I doe not commend this death to be godly, although it shewed great loue in the Woman. No doubt but the king of Ayra had a very kind and. louing Wife, as shall appeare, for when Alexander the Great had depriued him of the greatest part of his Kingdome, yet he bore it out very patiently, with a valiant and manly courage, and without any shew of ontward griefe at all: but when newes was brought him that his Wife was dead, he then most grieuously brake into teares, and wept bitterly, and withall he said, That the losse of his whole kingdome should not haue grieued him so much, as the death of his Wife.
It is also recorded of Alexander, that at the death of his Wife, he made such a sorrowfull kind of speech for her, saying, Death were kind if he tooke nothing but that which offendeth, but he hath taken her away which neuer offended. Oh Death, thou hast bereaued me of the bester part of my life.
It is said of Valerius Maximus, that he on a time finding two Serpents in his Bed-Chamber, being strangely amazed thereat, he demanded of the South-sayers, what it meaned, and they answered him, That of necesitie he must kill one of them; and if he killed the Male, then he himselfe must first dye: and if the Female, then his Wife should dye before him: And because he loued his Wife better then himselfe, he most willingly made choyse of the Male, and killed him first, and shortly after he dyed, leauing his Wife a Widow.
Such a kind Foole to his Wife was Adam, for he was forbidden on paine of death, not to eate of the tree of good and euill, yet for all that, Adam notwithstanding to gratifie his wines kindnesse, and for loue he bare her, refused not to hazard his life by breach of that commandement.
But because in all things there is a contrary, which sheweth the difference betwixt the good and the bad, euen so both of men and women there are contrary sorts of behauiour: if in thy choyse thou happen on a good wife, desire not to change, for there is a prouerbe saith, Seldome commeth a better. And there is none poorer then those that haue had many wiues. Thou maist beare a good affection towards thy wife, and yet not let her know it: thou mayest loue her well, and yet nor carry her on thy backe: a man may loue his house well, and yet not ride on the ridge. Loue thy wife, and speake her faire; although thou doe but flatter her; for women loue to be accounted beautifull, and to be mistresses of many maides, and to liue without controlement, and kinde words as much please a woman as any other thing whatsoeuer: and a mans chiefest desire should be first the grace of God, a quiet life, and an honest wife, a good report, and a friend in store; and then what need a man to aske any more?
Saint Paul saith, those that marry doe well, but hee also saith, those which marry not doe better; but yet also he saith, that it is better to marry then to burne in lust. A merry companion being asked by his friend, why hee did not marry, he made this answere, and sayd; That hee had beene in Bedlam two or three times, and yet hee was neuer so mad to marry: and yet there is no ioy nor pleasure in the world which may bee compared to marriage, so the parties are of neere equal yeeres, and of good qualities, then good fortune and bad is welcome to then, both their cares are equall, and their ioyes alike, come what will, all is welcome, and all is common betwixt them, the husband doth honour and reuerence her, and if he be rich, hee committeth all his goods to her keeping, and if he be poore, and in aduersitie, then he beareth but the one halfe of the griefe; and furthermore, she will comfort him with all the comfortable meanes shee can deuise, and if he will stay solitary in his house, she will keepe him company, if he will walke into the fields, why shee will goe with him, and if he be absent from home, shee sigheth often, and wisheth his presence: being come home, hee findeth content, sitting smiling in euery corner of his house, to giue him a kinde and a heartie welcome home, and she receiueth him with the best and heartiest ioy that she can. Many are the ioyes and sweet pleasures in marriage, as in our children, being young, they play, prattle, laugh, and shew vs many pretty toyes to mooue vs to mirth and laughter, and when they are bigger growne, and that age and pouerty hath afflicted the Parents, then they shew the duty of children in relieuing their olde Parents with what they can shift for, and when their Parents are dead, they bring them to the earth, from whence they came.
Yet now consider on the other side, when a wrinckled and toothlesse woman shall take a beardlesse boy (a short tale to make of it) there can bee no liking nor louing betweene such contraries, but continuall strife and debate: so likewise, when matches are made by the Parents, and the dowry told and payd before the young couple haue any knowledge of it, and so many times are forced against their minds, fearing the rigour and displeasure of their Parents, they often promise with their mouthes, that which they refuse with their hearts.
Also, if a Man marry a Wife for faire lookes without dowry, then their loue will soone waxe cold, insomuch that they vse them not like Wiues, bur rather like kitchinstuffe, whereas those which marry rich Wiues, they haue alwaies somthing to be in loue with all. It is a common thing now a dayes, that faire Women without riches, find more Louers then Husbands.
Chuse not a Wife too faire, nor too foule, nor too rich: for if she be faire, euerie one will be catching at her, and if shee bee too foule, a Man will haue no minde to loue her, which no Man likes, and if too rich thou thinkest to marry with one which thou meanest to make thy companion, thou shalt find her a commanding Mistresse, so that riches causeth a Woman to be proud, beauty makes her to be suspected, and hard-fauour maketh her to be hated. Therefore chuse a Wife young, well borne, and well brought vp, reasonebly rich, and indifferent beautifull, and of a good wit and capacity: Also, in choyse of a Wife, a Man should note the honesty of the Parents, for it is a likelyhood, that those Children, which are vertuously brought vp, will follow the steps of their Parents; bur yet many a Tree is spoyled in the hewing: There are some which haue but one onely Daughter, and they are so blinded with the extreame loue they beare her, that they will not haue her hindred of her will, whatsoeuer she desireth, but suffer her to liue in all wanton pleasure and delicacie, which afterwards turneth to bee the cause of many inconueniences.
Now, the father before he marry his daughter, is to sift throughly the qualities, behauiour, and life of his Son-in-law, for he which meeteth with a ciuill & an honest Son-in-law, getteth a good Son, & he that meeteth with an ill one, casteth away his Daughter.
The husband must prouide to satisfie the honest desires of his wife, so that nether necessitie, nor superfluitie be the occasion to worke her dishonour: for both want and plenty, both ease and disease, makes some Women oftentimes vnchaste: And againe, many times, the Wife seeing the Husband take no care for her, maketh (belike) this reckoning, that no body else will care for her, or desire her: But to conclude this poynt she onely is to be accounted honest, who hauing libertie to doe amisse, yet doth it not.
Againe, a Man should thus account of his Wife, as the onely treasure he enioyeth vpon earth, and he must also account that there is nothing more due to the Wife, then the faithfull, honest, and louing companie of the Husband: He ought also in signe of loue, to impart his secrets, and counsell vnto his Wife; for many haue found much comfort and profit, by taking their Wiues counsell, and if thou impart any ill happe to thy Wife, she lightneth thy griefe, either by comforting thee louingly, or else in bearing a part thereof patiently. Also if thou espy a fault in thy Wife, thou must not rebuke her angerly or reproachfully, but onely secretly betwixt you two, alwayes remembring, that thou must neither chide nor play with thy wife before company; those that play and dally with them before company, they doe thereby set other Mens teeth on edge, and make their Wiues the lesse shamefast.
It behooueth the married man alwayes to shew himselfe in speech and countenance both gentle and amiable; for if a woman of modest behauiour seeth any grosse inciuillitie in her husband, she doth not onely abhorre it, but also thinketh with her selfe, that other men are more discreet, and better brought vp: therefore it standeth him vpon to bee ciuill and modest in his doings, lest he offend the chaste thoughts of his wife, to whose liking hee ought to confirme himselfe in all honest and reasonable things, and to take heede of euery thing which may dislike her.
Why some women loue their Louers better then their Husbands; the reason is, the Louer in the presence of his Lady is very curious of his behauiour, that hee vseth no vnseemely gestures, whereby there may be no suspition of iealousie, or any exception bee taken by any thing hee doth: it behooueth euery woman to haue a great regard to her behauiour, and to keepe her selfe out of the fire, knowing, that a woman of suspected chastitie liueth but in a miserable case, for there is but small difference by being naught, and being thought naught, and when shee heareth another woman spoken ill of, let her thinke in her minde what may bee spoken of her; for when a woman hath gotten an ill name, whether it bee deseruedly or without cause, yet she will haue much adoe to recouer againe the honour and credite thereof: let a woman auoyde so much as may bee the company of a woman which hath an ill name, for many of them endeauour by their euill fashions and dishonest speech, to bring others to doe as they doe, and many of them wish in their hearts that all women were like vnto themselues. It may be said of many women, that the feathers are more woorth then the bird; therefore it behooueth euery woman to behaue her selfe so soberly and chastly in countenance and speech, that no man may bee so bold as to assaile her: for commonly Castles, if they come once to parley, are at point to yeeld; therefore if woman by chance bee set vpon, let her make this answere, When I was a Maide, I was at the disposition of my Parents, but now I am married, I am at the pleasure of my husband, therefore you were best speake to him, and to know his minde, what I shall doe; and if her husband bee out of the way, let her alwayes behaue her selfe as he were present.
Also a woman may consider, if her husband bee cholericke and hastie; shee must ouercome him with milde spceches, and if he chide she must hold her peace: for the answere of a wise women is silence, and shee must stay to vtter her minde till hee bee appeased of his furie, and at quiet: for if women many times would holde their tongues, they might be at quiet. There was a very angry couple married together, and a friend being with them at supper, asked them how they could agree together, being both so froward and testie: the good man made him this answere, When I am angry, my wife beareth with me and when she is angry, I beare with her: for with what heart can a man so much as touch a haire of his wiues head? (I meane rigorously) for the husband ought to rebuke her with kinde words secretly, and seeke to reforme her by good counsell: hee ought to lay before her the shame of ill doing, and the praise of well doing, if this will not serue, yet he ought rather patiently to forbeare her, then rigorously to beate her, for shee is flesh of his flesh, and there is no Man so foolish to hurt his owne flesh. A Man ought to be a comforter of his Wife, then surely he ought not to be a tormenter of her; for with what face can a Man imbrace that body which his hands haue battered and bruised? Or with what heart can a Woman loue that Man which can find in his heart to beat her?
Also, when a Man findeth a painfull & carefull woman, which knoweth when to spend, and when to spare, and to keepe the house in good order, then the Husband will not deny such a Wife any necessarie thing belonging to the House: but if she be a light Huswife, who liueth without doing any thing, without caring for Husband, children, or seruants, or any other belonging to the House, thereby shewing, although her body be in the House, yet her mind is abroad, which redowneth to her shame, and to her Husbands great hinderance: for when the Mistresse is occupied in vanitie, the Seruants are carelesse for her profit, but looke to their owne: for while the Mistresse playeth, the Mayden strayeth.
But those men are to be laughed at, who hauing a Wife, and a sufficient Wife to doe all the worke within dores, which belongs to a Woman to doe, yet the Husband will set Hens abrood, season the Pot, & dresse the Meat, or any the like worke, which belongeth not to the Man: such husbands many times offend their Wiues greatly, and they wrong themselues, for if they were imployed abroad in matters belonging to Men, they would be the more desirous being come home to take their ease, and not trouble their Wiues and Seruants in medling with their matters: For the rule and gouernement of the House belongeth to the Wife.
And he that hath a wife of his owne, and goeth to another woman, is like a rich theefe, which will steale when he hath no neede.
Amongst all the creatures that God hath created, there is none more subiect to misery then a woman, especiaily those that are fruitfull to beare children: for they haue scarce a moneths rest in a whole yeere, but are continually overcome with paine, sorrow, and feare, as indeed the danger of childe-bearing must needes bee a great terrour to women, which are counted but weake vessels in respect of men, and yet it is supposed that there is no disease that a man endureth, that is one halfe so grieuous or painefull as childe-bearing to a woman: Let it be tooth-ach, gowt, or chollicke; nay, if a man had all these at once, yet they were nothing comparable to a womans paine in her trauell with childe.
Now if thou like not my reasons to expell loue, then thou mayest try Ouids art, who prescribes a salue for such a sore; for hee counsels those which feele this horrible heate, to coole their flames with hearbes which are cold of Nature, as Rew, Lettice, and other hearbes, too long to recite: also hee saith, thou shouldst abstaine from excesse of meate and drinke, for that prouokes the minde greatly to lust; also to hunt, to hawke, to shoote, to bowle, to run, to wrastle, and some other play, for this will keepe thy minde from thinking of lust: also shun slouthfulnesse and idlenesse, for these are the onely nurses of loue; eschew melancholly or sadnesse, and keepe merry company, turne thy eyes from the place where bewitching spirits are, lest the remembrance doe encrease and rubbe thy galled minde: also to eschew the place where thou didst first feele the fire that burneth thy minde with such vnquiet thoughts. Likewise, saith he, beware thou doe not twise peruse the secret flattering letters of thy supposed friendly ioy: for if thou doe not refuse the often view thereof, it will much encrease thy griefe, dolour and annoy: vse no talke of her whom thou louest, nor once name her: for that will encrease thy care; by thinking in thy minde, that thou beholdest her face: but some are perswaded that no rules of reason can asswage this griefe; for loue is lawlesse, and obeyes no law, no nor yet no counsell can perswade, nor take effect, or subdue the affection of his bewitched spirits. Furthermore, Ouid perswades other reasons to expell the heate of loue, for where loue is setled, the louers are many times hindred of their purpose: sometimes for want of friends consent, or distance of place; then and in such a case, his counsell is to loue two or three, for loue being so diuided, makes the loue of one the lesse thought vpon: or else, saith he, satisfie thy lust vpon some other dame, for it will also helpe to weare the former loue out of thy minde. Loe, thus Ouid shot, but yet he mist the marke, not for want of learning, but for want of grace, for grace subdues and treads all vices vnder foot, although mortall meanes doth prescribe diuers other dyets to waste the heate of loues desire, as long absence from the place where thy liking liues, for the coals of comfort doth kindle and heate the heart, that with absence would be voyde of harme; for absence doth qualifie that fire, and coole the mindes of those which many times the company of wantons doth warme: for he which doth not shun the place where Venus in her glory sits, hath no care of himselfe, but suffers her to surprize his wits.
The Bear-baiting, or the vanitie of Widdowes:
choose you whether.
Woe bee vnto that vnfortunate man that matcheth himselfe vnto a Widdow; for a Widdow will bee the cause of a thousand woes: yet there are many that doe wish themselues no worse matched then to a rich widdow; but thou doest not know what griefes thou ioynest with the gaines; for if she be rich, she will looke to gouerne; and if she be poore, then art thou plagued both with beggery and bondage: againe, thy paines will be double, in regard of him which marryeth with a Maide; for thou must vnlearne thy widdow, and make her forget her former corrupt and disordered behauiour, the which if thou take vpon thee to doe, thou hadst euen as good vndertake to wash a Blackamore white; for commonly widdowes are so froward, so waspish, and so stubborne, that thou canst not wrest them from the wils, and if thou thinke to make her good by stripes, thou must beate her to death. One hauing marryed with a froward widdow, shee called him theefe, and many other vnhappy names; so he tooke her, and cut the tongue out of her head; but shee euer afterwards would make the signe of the Gallowes with her fingers to him.
It is seldome or neuer seene, that a man marryeth with a widdow for her beauty, nor for her personage, but onely for her wealth and riches; and if she be rich and beautifull withal, then thou matchest thy selfe to a she Diuell: for she will goe like a Peacocke, and thou like a Woodcocke; for shee will hide her money to maintaine her pride: and if thou at any time art desirous to bee merry in her company, she will say thou art merry, because thou hast gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee, where before thou wast a begger; and hadst nothing: and if thou shew thy selfe sad, she will say, thou art sad because thou canst not bury her, thereby to enioy that which shee hath: if thou make prouision to fare well in thy house, shee will bid thee spend that which thou broughtest thy selfe.
If thou shew thy selfe sparing, shee will say thou shalt not pinch her of that which is her owne; and if thou doe any thing contrary to her minde, shee will say, her other husband was more kinde: if thou chance to dine from home, shee will bid thee goe sup with thy harlots abroad: if thou goe abroad and spend any thing before thou commest home, she will say, a begger I found thee, and a begger thou meanest to leaue mee: if thou stay alwayes at home, she will say thou art happy that hast gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee idle: if thou carue her the best morsell on the table, though shee take it, yet she will take it scornefully, and say, she had a husband that would let her cut where she liked her selfe.
And if thou come in well-disposed, thinking to be merry, and intreating her with faire words, shee will call thee dissembling hypocrite, saying, thou speakest me faire with thy tongue, but thy heart is on thy minions abroad. Loe these are the franticke trickes of froward widdowes, they are neither well full nor fasting, they will neither goe to Church nor stay at home, I meane in regard of their impatient mindes: for a man shall neuer bee quiet in her sight, nor out of her sight: for if thou be in her sight, shee will vexe thee as before said; and out of her sight thy owne conscience will torment and trouble thy minde to thinke on the Purgatory which perforce thou must endure, when thou commest home.
Shee will make Clubs trumpe when thou hast neuer a blacke Card in thy hand, for with her cruell tongue shee will ring thee such a peale, that one would thinke the Diuell were come from Hell: besides this, thou shalt haue a brended slut, like a Hell-hagge, with a paire of paps like a paire of dung-pots, shall bring in thy dinner, for thy widdow will not trust thee with a wench that is handsome in thy house: now if that vpon iust occasion thou throwest the platters at thy Maides head, seeing thy meat brought in by such a slut, and so sluttishly drest; then will thy widdow take Pepper in the Nose, and stampe and stare, and looke so sowre, as if shee had come but euen then from eating of Crabs, saying; If thou hadst not married with mee, thou wouldest haue beene glad of the worst morsell that is here: then thou againe replying, sayest; If I had not beene so mad, the Diuell himselfe would not haue had thee; and then without cause thou blamest her of old age, and of iealousie, and for hiding her money, and for conueying away her goods which thou hast bought with the displeasure of thy friends, and discredit to thy selfe, in regard of her yeares; then againe, shee on the other side runneth out to her neighbours, and there shee thundreth out a thousand iniuries that thou doest her; saying, my Corne he sendeth to the Market, and my Cattell to the Fayre; and looke what he openly findeth, hee taketh by force, and what I hide secretly, he priuily stealeth it away, and playeth away all my money at Dice. Loe thus he consumeth my substance, and yet hateth my person: no longer then I feede him with money, can I enioy his company, now he heath that he sought for, hee giueth me nothing else but froward answers, and foule vsage, and yet, God knowes, of pure loue I marryed him with nothing, but now his ill husbandry is like to bring to ruine both me and my children: but now all this while shee doth not forget to tell of her owne good huswifry, saying, I sit working all day at my needle, or at my distaffe, and he like an vnthrift, and a whore monger, runneth at random: thus they are alwayes stretching their debate vpon the racke of vengeance.
Loe here is a life, but it is as wearisome as hell: for if they kisse in the morning, being friends, yet ere noone ready to throw the house out at a window. The Papists affirme, that Heauen is wonne by Purgatory, but in my minde a man shall neuer come into a worse Purgatorie, then to bee matched with a froward Widdow. Hee that matcheth himselfe to a Widdow and three children, matcheth himselfe to foure theeues. One hauing married with a Widdow, it was his lucke to bury her, but not before he was sore vexed with her, for afterwards hee lying on his death-bed, his friends exhorted him to pray vnto God that his soule might rest in heauen: and hee asked them this question, whither (sayd hee) doe you thinke my wife is gone? and they sayd vnto him, no doubt but that your wife is gone to heauen before you: he replyed, I care not whither I goe, so I goe not where my wife is, for feare I meete with her, and bee vexed with her as I haue beene heretofore.
Another hauing married with a Widdow, being one day at a Sermon, heard the Preacher say, whosoeuer will bee saued, let him take vp his crosse and follow mee; this mad fellow after Sermon was ended, tooke his wife vpon his backe, and came to the Preacher, and said, here is my crosse, I am ready to follow thee whither thou wilt.
Another hauing marryed with a widdow, which shewed her selfe like a Saint abroade, but a Diuell at home; a friend of her husbands told him, that hee had gotten him a good, still, and quiet wife: yea marry quoth the married man, you see my shooe is faire and new, but yet you know not where it pincheth me.
Another merry companion hauing marryed with a widdow, and carrying her ouer the Sea into France, there sodainely arose a great storme, in so much that they were all in danger of drowning; the Master of the ship called vnto the Marriners, and bad them take and throw ouerboard all the heauiest goods in the ship; this married man hearing him say so, he tooke his Widdow, and threw her ouer-board: and being asked the reason why he did so, hee sayd, that he neuer felt any thing in all his life that was so heauy to him as she had beene.
Another hauing married with a widdow, and within a while after they were marryed, shee went out into the garden, and there finding her husbands shirt hang close on the hedge by her maides smocke, shee went presently and hanged her selfe vpon a iealous conceit that she tooke, and a merry fellow asking the cause why she hanged her selfe, and being told that it was for iealousie: I would sayd he, that all trees did heare such fruit.
Thou maist thinke that I haue spoken enough concerning widdowes; but the further I runne after them, the further I am from them; for they are the summe of the seauen deadly sinnes, the Fiends of Sathan, and the gates of Hell. Now me thinketh I heare some say vnto me, that I should haue told them this lesson sooner, for too late commeth medicine when the patient is dead; euen so too late commeth counsell, when it is past remedy, but it is better late then neuer, for it may be a warning to make others wise.
But why doe I make so long haruest of so little Corne? seeing the Corne is bad, my haruest shall cease, for so long as women doe ill, they must not thinke to be well spoken of, if you would be well reported of, or kept like the Rose when it hath lost the colour, then you should smell sweet in the bud, as the Rose doth, or if you would be tasted for olde wine, you should be sweet at the first, like a pleasant Grape, then should you be cherished for your courtesie, and comforted for your honesty, so should you be preserued like the sweet Rose, and esteemed of as pleasant Wine. But to what purpose do I go about to instruct you, knowing that such as counsell the Diuell, can neuer amend him of his euill.
And so praying those which haue already made their choyse, and seene the trouble, & felt the torments that are with Women, to take it merrily, and to esteeme of this Booke only, as the toyes of an idle head.
Nor I would not haue Women mumure against me for that I haue not written more bitterly against Men, for it is a very hard Winter when one Wolfe eateth another, and it is also an ill Bird that defileth her own nest, and a most vnkind part of one Man to speake ill of another.
FINIS.
This work was published before January 1, 1930, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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