The Complete Works of Count Tolstoy/Volume 18/The Kreutzer Sonata/Chapter 22
XXII.
"I did not speak with her all that day,—I could not. Her proximity to me provoked in me such a hatred of her, that I was afraid of myself. At dinner, she asked me, in the presence of the children, when I was going to leave. I had to go next week to the county to attend a meeting. I told her when. She asked me whether I needed anything for my way. I did not answer, and silently sat at the table, and silently went to my cabinet. During that last period she never came into my room, especially not then. I was lying down in my cabinet and fretting. Suddenly I heard a familiar tread. And suddenly a terrible, monstrous thought passed through my mind that she, like the wife of Uriah, wanted to conceal her accomplished sin, and that it was for this purpose that she was coming to my room at such an untimely hour. 'Is it possible she is coming here?' I thought, listening to her approaching steps. 'If she is coming here, then I am right.' And in my soul there rose an inexpressible hatred of her. Nearer, nearer the steps came. 'Will she really pass by and go into the parlour?' No, the door creaked, and there stood her tall, beautiful figure, and in her face and eyes there was timidity and supplication, which she tried to conceal, but which I saw, and the meaning of which I understood. I almost choked,—I so long held my breath,—and, continuing to look at her, I grasped the cigarette-holder and began to smoke.
"'How does this look? I come to sit with you awhile, and you smoke,' and she seated herself near me on the divan, leaning toward me. I moved away so as not to come in contact with her.
"'I see you are dissatisfied with my playing on Sunday,' she said.
"'I am not in the least,' I said.
"'But I see it.'
"'Let me congratulate you if you do. All I see is that you are acting like a coquette. You find pleasure in all kinds of baseness, but to me this is terrible!'
"'If you are going to swear like a cabman, then I will go away.'
"'Go, but know that if you do not respect the honour of the family, I will not respect you (the devil take you), but will guard the honour of the family.'
"'What is the matter, what?'
"'Get out, for the Lord's sake, get out!'
"I do not know whether she pretended that she did not understand or whether she really did not understand,—in any case she was offended, grew angry, and did not go away, but stopped in the middle of the room.
"'You are absolutely impossible,' she said. 'With any one of your character not even an angel could get along,' and, as always, wishing to sting me in the most painful manner, she reminded me of my action toward my sister (she referred to an incident when I lost my patience with my sister and told her a lot of rude things; she knew that it tormented me and so she stung me with it). 'After this nothing from you will surprise me,' she said.
"'Yes, she will offend, humiliate, disgrace me, and then she will make me guilty of it,' I said to myself, and I was suddenly seized by such terrible rage against her as I had never experienced before.
"I wanted now for the first time to give a physical expression to this rage. I jumped up and moved toward her; but just as I jumped up I remember that I became conscious of my rage and asked myself, 'Is it right to abandon myself to this feeling?' and immediately replied to myself that it was right, that this would frighten her, and so, instead of opposing myself to this rage, I began to fan it in myself and to take pleasure in its spreading more and more in me.
"'Get away, or I will kill you!' I shouted, walking up to her and grasping her arm. I consciously increased the intonations of rage in my voice, as I was saying this. I must have been terrible, because she was so intimidated that she did not have sufficient strength to leave, and only said: 'Vásya, what is the matter with you, what is the matter?'—'Get out!' I bellowed louder still. 'You will drive me to insanity. I will not answer for myself!'
"Having given the reins to my fury, I was intoxicated by it and wanted to do something unusual, which would show the highest degree of my fury. I just burned to strike and kill her, but I knew that this could not be, and so, to give full vent to my rage, I grabbed a paper-weight from the table and, crying once more, 'Get out!' I hurled it against the floor beyond her. I aimed purposely beyond her. Then she started to leave the room, but stopped at the door. And here, while she was able to see it (I did it that she should see it), I picked up a number of things from the table, candlesticks, the inkstand, and began to throw them on the floor, continuing to cry out: 'Get out! Go away! I will not answer for myself!' She went away, and I immediately stopped.
"An hour later the nurse came and informed me that my wife was in hysterics. I went to her: she was sobbing and laughing; she was unable to say a word, and continually shuddered with her whole body. There was no pretence there: she was really ill.
"Toward morning she quieted down, and we made up under the influence of that feeling which we called love.
"In the morning, when, after the pacification, I confessed to her that I was jealous of Trukhachévski, she was not in the least embarrassed, but laughed out in the most natural manner,—so strange, so she said, did the possibility of being infatuated with such a man seem to her.
"'Can a decent woman have any other feeling for such a man than the pleasure derived by music? If you want me to, I am ready never to see him again. Not even on Sunday, even though guests have been invited. Write to him that I am not well, and all is ended. It is disgusting to think that anybody, but especially he, should imagine that he is a dangerous man. I am too proud to allow any one to think so.'
"She was not telling an untruth. She believed all she was saying she hoped with these words to elicit in herself contempt for him and in this way to defend herself against him, but she did not succeed. Everything was against her, more particularly that accursed music. So all was ended, and on Sunday the guests arrived and they again played together.