The Green Pastures (1929)/Part 2/Scene 1
PART TWO
Scene I
God’s Office again.
Somewhere the Choir is singing: “A City Called Heaven.” In the office are Two Women Cleaners. One is scrubbing the floor, the other dusting the furniture. The one dusting stops and looks out the window. There is a whirr and a distant faint Boom. The Choir stops.
First Cleaner
Dat was a long way off.
Second Cleaner
[At window.] Yes, ma’am. An’ dat must a’ been a big one. Doggone, de Lawd mus’ be mad fo’ sho’, dis mo’nin’. Dat’s de fo’ty-six’ thunde’-bolt since breakfast.
First Cleaner
I wonder where at He’s pitchin’ dem.
Second Cleaner
My goodness, don’ you know?
First Cleaner
[A little hurt] Did I know I wouldn’t ask de question.
Second Cleaner
Every one of dem’s bound fo’ de earth.
First Cleaner
De earth? You mean dat little ol’ dreenin’ place?
Second Cleaner
Dat’s de planet. [Another faint whirr and boom.] Dere goes another.
First Cleaner
Well, bless me. I didn’t know dey was thunde’bolts.
Second Cleaner
Wha’d you think dey was?
First Cleaner
[Above desk.] I wasn’t sho’, but I thought maybe He might be whittlin’ a new star o’ two, an’ de noise was jest de chips fallin’.
Second Cleaner
Carrie, where you been? Don’ you know de earth is de new scandal? Ever’body’s talkin’ ’bout it.
First Cleaner
Dey kep’ it from me.
Second Cleaner
Ain’t you noticed de Lawd’s been unhappy lately?
First Cleaner
[Thoughtfully.] Yeah, He ain’t been his old self.
Second Cleaner
What did you think was de matteh? Lumbago?
First Cleaner
[Petulantly.] I didn’t know. I didn’t think it was fo’ me t’inquieh.
Second Cleaner
Well, it jest so happens dat de Lawd is riled as kin be by dat measly little earth. Or I should say de scum dat’s on it.
First Cleaner
Dat’s mankind down dere.
Second Cleaner
Dey mus’ be scum, too, to git de Lawd so wukked up.
First Cleaner
I s’pose so. [Another whirr and boom.] Looks like He’s lettin’ dem feel de wrath. Ain’ dat a shame to plague de Lawd dat way?
Second Cleaner
From what I hear dey been beggin’ fo’ what dey’re gittin’. My brother flew down to bring up a saint de other day and he say from what he see mos’ of de population down dere has made de debbil king an’ dey wukkin’ in three shifts fo’ him.
First Cleaner
You cain’t blame de Lawd.
Second Cleaner
Co’se you cain’t. Dem human bein’s ’d make anybody bile oveh. Ev’rytime de Lawd try to do sompin’ fo’ dem, doggone if dey don’t staht some new ruckus.
First Cleaner
I take notice He’s been wukkin’ in yere mo’ dan usual.
Second Cleaner
I wish He’d let us ladies fix it up. Wouldn’t take a minute to make dis desk gold-plated.
First Cleaner
I ’spose He likes it dis way. De Lawd’s kind o’ ol’ fashioned in some ways. I s’pose He keeps dis office plain an’ simple on purpose.
Second Cleaner
[Finishing her work.] I don’ see why.
First Cleaner
[Looking off.] Well, it’s kind of a nice place to come to when He’s studyin’ somethin’ impo’tant. ’Most evahthin’ else in heaven’s so fin’ ’n’ gran’, maybe ev’ry now an den He jest gits sick an’ tired of de glory. [She 1s also collecting her utensils.]
Second Cleaner
Maybe so. Jest de same I’d like to have a free hand wid dis place for a while, so’s I could gold it up.
[God appears in the doorway.]
God
Good mo’nin’, daughters.
First and Second Cleaners
Good mo’nin’, Lawd. We was jest finishin’.
God
Go ahead den, daughters. [Goes to the window.]
First and Second Cleaners
Yes, Lawd. [They exeunt. Off stage] Good mornin’, Gabriel.
[Off stage Gabriel says, “Good mo’nin’, sisters,” and enters immediately. He stands in the doorway for a moment watching God—a notebook and pencil in his hand.]
God
What’s de total?
Gabriel
[Consulting the book.] Eighteen thousand nine hund’ed an’ sixty for de mo’nin’. Dat’s includin’ de village wid de fo’tune tellers. Dey certainly kin breed fast.
God
[Solemnly.] Dey displease me. Dey displease me greatly.
Gabriel
Want some more bolts, Lawd?
God
[Looking through window.] Look at ’em dere. Squirmin’ an’ fightin’ an’ bearin’ false witness. Listen to dat liar, dere. He don’ intend to marry dat little gal. He don’ even love her. What did you say?
Gabriel
Should I git mo’ bolts?
God
Wait a minute. [He carefully points his finger down through the window.] I’m goin’ to git dat wicked man myself. [From a great distance comes an agonized cry: “Oh, Lawd!” God turns from the window.] No use gittin’ mo’ thunde’bolts. Dey don’ do de trick. [He goes to the swivel chair and sits.] It’s got to be somethin’ else.
Gabriel
How would it be if you was to doom ’em all ag’in, like dat time you sent down de flood? I bet dat would make dem mind.
God
You see how much good de flood did. Dere dey is, jest as bad as ever.
Gabriel
How about cleanin’ up de whole mess of ’em and sta’tin’ all over ag’in wid some new kind of animal?
God
An’ admit I’m licked?
Gabriel
[Ashamedly.] No, of co’se not, Lawd.
God
No, suh. No, suh. Man is a kind of pet of mine and it ain’t right fo’ me to give up tryin’ to do somethin’ wid him. Doggone, mankin’ mus’ be all right at de core or else why did I ever bother wid him in de first place? [Sits at desk.]
Gabriel
It’s jest dat I hates to see you worryin’ about it, Lawd.
God
Gabe, dere ain’t anythin’ worth while anywheres dat didn’t ’cause somebody some worryin’. I ain’t never tol’ you de trouble I had gittin’ things started up yere. Dat’s a story in itself. No, suh, de more I keep on bein’ de Lawd de more I know I got to keep improvin’ things. An’ dat takes time and worry. De main trouble wid mankin’ is he takes up so much of my time. He ought to be able to help hisself a little. [He stops suddenly and cogitates.] Hey, dere! I think I got it!
Gabriel
[Eagerly.] What's de news?
God
[Still cogitating.] Yes, suh, dat seems like an awful good idea.
Gabriel
Tell me, Lawd.
God
Gabriel, have you noticed dat every now an’ den, mankin’ turns out some pretty good specimens?
Gabriel
Dat’s de truth.
God
Yes, suh. Dey’s ol’ Abraham and Isaac an’ Jacob an’ all dat family.
Gabriel
Dat’s so, Lawd.
God
An’ everyone of dem boys was a hard wukker an’ a good citizen. We got to admit dat.
Gabriel
Dey wouldn’t be up yere flyin’ wid us if dey hadn’t been.
God
No, suh. An’ I don’ know but what de answer to de whole trouble is right dere.
Gabriel
How you mean, Lawd?
God
Why, doggone it, de good man is de man dat keeps busy. I mean I been goin’ along on de principle dat he was something like you angels—dat you ought to be able to give him somethin’ an’ den jest let him sit back an’ enjoy it. Dat ain’t so. Now dat I recollec’ I put de first one down dere to take keer o’ dat garden an’ den I let him go ahead an’ do nothin’ but git into mischief. [He rises.] Sure, dat’s it. He ain’t built jest to fool ’roun’ an’ not do nothin’. Gabe, I’m gonter try a new scheme.
Gabriel
[Eagerly.] What’s de scheme, Lawd?
God
I’ll tell you later. Send in Abraham, Isaac an’ Jacob. [A voice outside calls: “Right away, Lawd.”] You go tell dem to put dem bolts back in de boxes. I ain’ gonter use dem ag’in a while.
Gabriel
O. K., Lawd.
God
Was you goin’ anywhere near de Big Pit?
Gabriel
I could go.
God
Lean over de brink and tell Satan he’s jest a plain fool if he thinks he kin beat anybody as big as me.
Gabriel
Yes, suh, Lawd. Den I’ll spit right in his eye. [Gabriel exits.]
[God looks down through the window again to the earth below.]
God
Dat new polish on de sun makes it powerful hot. [He “r’ar back.”] Let it be jest a little bit cooler. [He feels the air.] Dat’s nice. [Goes to His desk. A knock on the door.] Come in.
[Abraham, Isaac and Jacob enter. All are very old men, but the beard of AsrauaM is the longest and whitest, and they suggest their three generations. They have wings that are not quite so big as those of the native angels.]
Isaac
Sorry we so long comin’, Lawd. But Pappy and me had to take de boy [Pointing to Jacob] over to git him a can of wing ointment.
God
What was de matter, son?
Jacob
Dey was chafin’ me a little. Dey fine now, thank you, Lawd.
God
Dat’s good. Sit down an’ make yo’selves comf’table. [The three sit. Men: “Thank you, Lawd.”] Men, I’m goin’ to talk about a little scheme I got. It’s one dat’s goin’ to affec’ yo’ fam’lies an’ dat’s why I ’cided I’d talk it over wid you, ’fo’ it goes into ee-fect. I don’ know whether you boys know it or not, but you is about de three best men of one fam’ly dat’s come up yere since I made little apples. Now I tell you what I’m gonter do. Seein’ dat you human bein’s cain’t ’preciate anythin’ lessen you fust wukk to git it and den keep strugglin’ to hold it, why I’m gonter turn over a very valuable piece of property to yo’ fam’ly, and den see what kin dey do with it. De rest of de worl’ kin go jump in de river fo’ all I keer. I’m gonter be lookin’ out fo’ yo’ descendents only. Now den, seein’ dat you boys know de country pretty tho’ly, where at does you think is de choice piece of property in de whole worl’? Think it over for a minute. I’m gonter let you make de s’lection.
Abraham
If you was to ask me, Lawd, I don’t think dey come any better dan de Land of Canaan.
God
[To Isaac and Jacob.] What's yo’ feelin’ in de matter?
Jacob
[After a nod from Isaac.] Pappy an’ me think do we get a pick, dat would be it.
God
[Goes to window again; looks out.] De Land of Canaan. Yes, I guess dat’s a likely neighborhood. It’s all run over wid Philistines and things right now, but we kin clean dat up. [He turns from the window and resumes his seat.] All right. Now who do you boys think is de best of yo’ men to put in charge down dere? You see I ain’t been payin’ much attention to anybody in partic’lar lately.
Isaac
Does you want de brainiest or de holiest, Lawd? [Men look up.]
God
I want de holiest. I’ll make him brainy. [Men appreciate the miracle.]
Isaac
[As Abraham and Isaac nod to him.] Well, if you want A Number One, goodness, Lawd, I don’t know where you'll git more satisfaction dan in a great-great-great-great grandson of mine.
God
Where’s he at?
Isaac
At de moment I b’lieve he’s in de sheep business over in Midian County. He got in a little trouble down in Egypt, but t’wan’t his doin’. He killed a man dat was abusin’ one of our boys in de brick works. Of co’se you know old King Pharaoh’s got all our people in bondage.
God
I heard of it. [With some ire.] Who did you think put them dere? [The visitors lower their heads.] It’s all right, boys. [All rise.] I’m gonter take dem out of it. An’ I’m gonter turn over de whole Land of Canaan to dem. An’ do you know whose gonter lead dem dere? Yo’ great, great, great, great grandson. Moses, ain’t it?
Isaac
Yes, Lawd.
God
[Smiling.] Yes. I been noticin’ him.
Abraham
It’s quite a favor fo’ de fam’ly, Lawd.
God
Dat’s why I tol’ you. You see, it so happens I love yo’ fam’ly, an’ I delight to honor it. Dat’s all, gen’lemen. [The three others rise and cross to the door, murmuring, “Yes, Lawd,” “Thank you, Lawd,” “Much obliged, Lawd.” etc. The Choir begins, “My Lord’s A-Writin’ All De Time” pianissimo. God stands watching the men leave.] Enjoy yo’ selves. [He goes to the window. The singing grows softer. He speaks through the window to the earth.] I’m comin’ down to see you, Moses, an’ dis time my scheme’s got to wukk.
[The stage is darkened. The singing grows louder and continues until the lights go up on the next scene.]