The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his Friend, Mr. Abraham Abrams/Book I, Chapter VI

CHAPTER VI.

_How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his sister Pamela._

"To MRS PAMELA ANDREWS, LIVING WITH SQUIRE BOOBY.

"DEAR SISTER,--Since I received your letter of your good lady's death,

we have had a misfortune of the same kind in our family. My worthy

master Sir Thomas died about four days ago; and, what is worse, my poor

lady is certainly gone distracted. None of the servants expected her to

take it so to heart, because they quarrelled almost every day of their

lives: but no more of that, because you know, Pamela, I never loved to

tell the secrets of my master's family; but to be sure you must have

known they never loved one another; and I have heard her ladyship wish

his honour dead above a thousand times; but nobody knows what it is to

lose a friend till they have lost him.

"Don't tell anybody what I write, because I should not care to have

folks say I discover what passes in our family; but if it had not been

so great a lady, I should have thought she had had a mind to me. Dear

Pamela, don't tell anybody; but she ordered me to sit down by her

bedside, when she was in naked bed; and she held my hand, and talked

exactly as a lady does to her sweetheart in a stage-play, which I have

seen in Covent Garden, while she wanted him to be no better than he

should be.

"If madam be mad, I shall not care for staying long in the family; so I

heartily wish you could get me a place, either at the squire's, or some

other neighbouring gentleman's, unless it be true that you are going to

be married to parson Williams, as folks talk, and then I should be very

willing to be his clerk; for which you know I am qualified, being able

to read and to set a psalm.

"I fancy I shall be discharged very soon; and the moment I am, unless I

hear from you, I shall return to my old master's country-seat, if it be

only to see parson Adams, who is the best man in the world. London is a

bad place, and there is so little good fellowship, that the next-door

neighbours don't know one another. Pray give my service to all friends

that inquire for me. So I rest

"Your loving brother,

"JOSEPH ANDREWS."

As soon as Joseph had sealed and directed this letter he walked

downstairs, where he met Mrs. Slipslop, with whom we shall take this

opportunity to bring the reader a little better acquainted. She was a

maiden gentlewoman of about forty-five years of age, who, having made a

small slip in her youth, had continued a good maid ever since. She was

not at this time remarkably handsome; being very short, and rather too

corpulent in body, and somewhat red, with the addition of pimples in the

face. Her nose was likewise rather too large, and her eyes too little;

nor did she resemble a cow so much in her breath as in two brown globes

which she carried before her; one of her legs was also a little shorter

than the other, which occasioned her to limp as she walked. This fair

creature had long cast the eyes of affection on Joseph, in which she had

not met with quite so good success as she probably wished, though,

besides the allurements of her native charms, she had given him tea,

sweetmeats, wine, and many other delicacies, of which, by keeping the

keys, she had the absolute command. Joseph, however, had not returned

the least gratitude to all these favours, not even so much as a kiss;

though I would not insinuate she was so easily to be satisfied; for

surely then he would have been highly blameable. The truth is, she was

arrived at an age when she thought she might indulge herself in any

liberties with a man, without the danger of bringing a third person into

the world to betray them. She imagined that by so long a self-denial she

had not only made amends for the small slip of her youth above hinted

at, but had likewise laid up a quantity of merit to excuse any future

failings. In a word, she resolved to give a loose to her amorous

inclinations, and to pay off the debt of pleasure which she found she

owed herself, as fast as possible.

With these charms of person, and in this disposition of mind, she

encountered poor Joseph at the bottom of the stairs, and asked him if he

would drink a glass of something good this morning. Joseph, whose

spirits were not a little cast down, very readily and thankfully

accepted the offer; and together they went into a closet, where, having

delivered him a full glass of ratafia, and desired him to sit down, Mrs.

Slipslop thus began:--

"Sure nothing can be a more simple contract in a woman than to place her

affections on a boy. If I had ever thought it would have been my fate, I

should have wished to die a thousand deaths rather than live to see that

day. If we like a man, the lightest hint sophisticates. Whereas a boy

proposes upon us to break through all the regulations of modesty, before

we can make any oppression upon him." Joseph, who did not understand a

word she said, answered, "Yes, madam."--"Yes, madam!" replied Mrs.

Slipslop with some warmth, "Do you intend to result my passion? Is it

not enough, ungrateful as you are, to make no return to all the favours

I have done you; but you must treat me with ironing? Barbarous monster!

how have I deserved that my passion should be resulted and treated with

ironing?" "Madam," answered Joseph, "I don't understand your hard words;

but I am certain you have no occasion to call me ungrateful, for, so far

from intending you any wrong, I have always loved you as well as if you

had been my own mother." "How, sirrah!" says Mrs. Slipslop in a rage;

"your own mother? Do you assinuate that I am old enough to be your

mother? I don't know what a stripling may think, but I believe a man

would refer me to any green-sickness silly girl whatsomdever: but I

ought to despise you rather than be angry with you, for referring the

conversation of girls to that of a woman of sense."--"Madam," says

Joseph, "I am sure I have always valued the honour you did me by your

conversation, for I know you are a woman of learning."--"Yes, but,

Joseph," said she, a little softened by the compliment to her learning,

"if you had a value for me, you certainly would have found some method

of showing it me; for I am convicted you must see the value I have for

you. Yes, Joseph, my eyes, whether I would or no, must have declared a

passion I cannot conquer.--Oh! Joseph!"

As when a hungry tigress, who long has traversed the woods in fruitless

search, sees within the reach of her claws a lamb, she prepares to leap

on her prey; or as a voracious pike, of immense size, surveys through

the liquid element a roach or gudgeon, which cannot escape her jaws,

opens them wide to swallow the little fish; so did Mrs. Slipslop prepare

to lay her violent amorous hands on the poor Joseph, when luckily her

mistress's bell rung, and delivered the intended martyr from her

clutches. She was obliged to leave him abruptly, and to defer the

execution of her purpose till some other time. We shall therefore return

to the Lady Booby, and give our reader some account of her behaviour,

after she was left by Joseph in a temper of mind not greatly different

from that of the inflamed Slipslop.