The Strand Magazine/Volume 2/Issue 10/TQS
WAS, on a certain Morning lately, filled with most pleasing Reflexions, seeing that I was to pass away a Day or two on a Visit to a most worthy Friend of mine, Sir Ogre de Covetous, that had a fine Estate upon the River Thames. This gave me the more Satisfaction because my Friend, besides being a Man of no small Parts in the Preservation of his Rights, had made himself of no inconsiderable Repute among the surrounding humbler Inhabitants of the Locality, and even among such of the Public as chanced to pass by his Estates upon the River.
I came upon my old Friend, as genial as ever, he having been engaged in a rough Discourse with a Cottager that lived hard by his Estates, and scowling hugely.
"You are to know," said the good old Man, turning to me, "that yonder is a most ill-grained and complaining Fellow, for the only Road to his Cottage is one that passes between some Fields of mine; and he has the Effrontery not only to beg that I shall permit his Supply of Coals to pass that Way (which, indeed, would cause me no Inconvenience whatever), but is positively so perverse as to be put out at my refusing, vowing that he must needs quit his Cottage, being unable to live without Firing! As if this were any Concern of mine!" And at this the good old Man fell to fuming and to stamping his Foot; and, perceiving that such Subjects gave him no small Disquietude, I encouraged him to speak upon them at more Length; and with so great Success that he presently addressed to me the following Discourse:—
"The People about here," said he, "are, I warrant you, of a very ill Grain, and very hardly to be brought to Reason, being most mightily discontented with all I do; and you must learn that the Public are no better, being not polite enough to understand how a wise Providence has only created the Poor and the Public that they may minister to the Pleasures of Men of an Estate, particularly of an Estate upon the River; a rightful Understanding of which Fact, Sir, would surely induce a more pleasing Intercourse between myself and those around me. I myself am a Man of a most worthy Disposition, and devote my whole Thoughts to the safeguarding and furtherance of my own Interests.
"For one Instance, Sir, we now stand upon the Tow-path, which the Thames Conservancy pay me a yearly Hire for the Use of, 'for the purpose of towing Boats'; and I am of so amiable a Temperament that, I would have you know, I stand constantly at one of my Windows with a Telescope to spy if any should walk along this Path without towing a Boat, in which Case I presently send a Man to warn them off; and this, Sir, is one of my chiefest Occupations and Delights."
"I send a man to warn them off."
And here I could not but observe how a certain Fellow that passed us in a Boat scowled most lustily (yet not without a certain fear) at my good friend the Riverside Proprietor; and I was about speculating upon this Occurrence, when the good old Man continued:—
"There goes, Sir, a villain."
"There goes, Sir, a Villain of a most froward Temper; for he is by Trade a Waterman; and although I have forbidden him to ferry anybody over to my side of the River, or to fix his Punt in the Stream (for the Bed of the River is my property), and have, indeed, done all in my Power to prevent his gaining a Subsistence; yet I can in no way please him, but he regards me with a most huge disfavour! and, Sir, 'tis the same with the rest of the Watermen here."
It was with difficulty, at this part of the Discourse, that I could refrain from a Tear upon reflecting how so good a Proprietor should be thus maltreated by all around him; and indeed I could well have cried out upon them all for monstrous, ungrateful Varlets. And observing at this time that my good old Friend was taken with a Fit of the Jumps, so that he called out roost vociferously, stamping his Foot the while, I then perceived that his Seizure was occasioned by the Sight of a Tent, which some impertinent Fellow had set up upon his Bank of the Flood; and I learned that such a sight would always bring about in him such a Taking on.
"His seizure was caused by the sight of a tent."
And now my Attention was diverted to a great Number of Notice Boards that were fixed here and there in the River; and on one would be painted "Water and Fishing Private," and on another "DANGEROUS," and on still others "That Way to the Lock," and "Beware of the Weir," and many others; and I perceived that these Notices moved my Friend to a vast and most consuming Enjoyment of himself, in such wise that he fell to chuckling, until I feared he might be in Danger of another Seizure, but, perceiving my Alarm, he whispered me in the Ear: "'Tis I that have set up these Notices, and you are to know that this Piece of Water in which they are placed is by no means mine, for the which Reason seeing I may hardly venture to set down the Words 'Private Water,' lest some busy Fellow would be challenging the Claim; yet when I say 'Water and Fishing Private,' I do but state the Fact that it is Water, and the Fishing is private, for I have hired it (for no consideration) of the Public, who rightfully own the Water but are too besotted to enforce their Claim. Next Year," continued the worthy old Gentleman, "I propose to stretch a Wire across this Water, and thereafter a stout Chain; so in the Course of Years the Water shall become of right my private Property. In like wise the Words 'Dangerous,' and 'That Way to the Lock,' and 'Beware of the Weir,' are cunningly designed to hinder the vulgar from entering upon that Piece of Water; for you should know that, as there is no Danger, nor any Weir, so, also, either Way conducts to the Lock."
"Dangerous."
Delighting me with such pleasing Converse, as to which I was at a Loss, whether the more to admire the ingenious Wisdom, or the Christianlike Kindliness of so worthy a Man, the Proprietor led the Way to the Village of which he appeared to be the Owner—or, I would be saying, rather
the Owner of the Villagers; being, as one might say, like to a Slave-owner. And here I could not but observe, with a pleasurable Emotion, how, as the Children ran from him with Affright, so likewise the Dogs snarled at his Approach and hid themselves within Doors.
"The children ran from him with affright."
The good old Man made diligent Inquiries touching a Rumouring that had come to his Ear, how a certain Widow, being poor, had let her Room to a Visitor from London who was for spending a Holiday in the Place and, finding this Rumouring to be true, presently notified her that she should quit her Cottage on the following Week; and also roundly rated a Grocer that would be supplying Provisions to the Intruder, and warned the other Villagers against trafficking with that Grocer on Penalty of great Disfavour.
"For," said the good Man, "I am most keenly set against any Man coming to take Pleasure upon my Scenery, or upon the River by it; insomuch so that I will none of him;" and with that my Friend fell to kicking certain Children that he suspected would be grimacing upon him.
Seeing my Friend salute with more than his usual Cordiality a Farmer that came by in a Gig, I was interested to hear that this Man was the only being in that Part after the Proprietor's own Heart; and this for the Reason that he would ever be putting some Despite upon his Neighbours (and that particularly such of them as were unable to retort upon him), and had lately invented a very quaint Conceit of driving quickly here and there in the midst of any Neighbour's fowls that he might come upon in his rough Meadows, and this for pure good Humour.
"He roundly rated a grocer."
"And in short," said the Riverside Proprietor, "I do in this Thing greatly value myself, that (although this Part is among the most beautiful on the Thames), there come but few hither to take their Pleasure of the Scenery, nor to fish, nor camp, for Fear of me; for, being of more Substance than them that would be for doing so, I will always be frightening them from any maintaining of their Right by threatening to put upon them the Costs of a Suit at Law, which they can ill afford." And with this Sir Ogre made off at great Speed to point out to his Man how a certain Stranger lay a-fishing in a Punt over his River Bed.
"A stranger lay a-fishing in a punt."
No sooner had I taken leave of my good Friend than I fell into profound Speculation on the Blessing that our River enjoys in the having upon its Banks such a gentle Soul; and after so wonderful a Manner is the River dotted with Notice-boards, that I am come to an Opinion that there must be many Landowners almost as worthy as he; though, indeed, they do speak of a certain Landowner, not far from my Friend, that has devoted an Island for the Enjoyment of such as pass by, providing not only a Summer-house, and Tables, and a Landing Platform, but also a Hammock and, for that matter, great rustic Vases, which he causes his Gardener to tend, for the Good of others; which Thing must be a Cause of huge Diversion and Pleasantry to my Friend. I cannot conclude this Speculation without giving great Praise to the Wisdom of my old Friend in bearing himself after a Manner that must needs endear the Landowner to the People, to the disarming of that Socialism that would be for confiscating landed Property; for I warrant you, if Matters shall ever have come to such an Extremity, there shall be found None that shall lay a Hand upon the Property of so worthy a Man. 
PORTRAIT-SIGNATURES. 
VARIETIES OF ALPINE-CLIMBING.
- To the echoes—"This way."
- Some luggage.
- "Carry up milady? certainly! but where shall I begin?"
- A light job.
- Very warm work.
VARIETIES OF ALPINE CLIMBING.
- A good view.
- A hoist up.
- Taking up a lady—The start.
- A little tired—Changing position.
- Very tired—Another change.
- A last resource.
- Well-earned refreshment.
- A Sunday rider.
- An obstinate couple.
A pathetic scene.
BALD-HEADED GENTLEMAN IN PIT (TO LADY IN DRESS CIRCLE): "MADAME, I RESPECT YOUR EMOTION, BUT YOU ARE WEEPING ON MY HEAD."
An explanation.
Woman's friendship.
