The Strand Magazine/Volume 2/Issue 11/TQS
The Queer Side of Things.
By J. F. Sullivan.
ὁ ἥρως μῦν ἐν τῷ ὀδόντι κοιλῷ εὑρἰσκει
Works of Grammarian, Book I.
Mark how th' undaunted hero hastes to tear
The lurking quarry from its cavernous lair.
Translation.
WILL offer no Apology for quoting the above beautiful Words, in View of their notable Aptness to the Subject which I am now to treat.
One Morning lately, as I sat a-musing upon the Worthiness of the good Knight Sir Ogre, who should break in upon me but a certain Fellow of my Acquaintance that has a most acute Nose for the Smelling out of such Things as may be amazing, eccentric, or curious; insomuch so that (seeing his Discoveries have often provided me with the Subject of entertaining Speculations) I hold it in nowise an Impertinence to introduce to my Reader that which this Discoverer introduced to me.
"You shall know," said he, "that I am come to carry you to a Creature of a very curious Interest that I have but now discovered; to wit, a Comic Artist"; whereat I fear me I grimaced upon him with no small Incredulity as on one that would be putting some Pleasantry upon me; whereupon (being most hugely diverted) "Zounds!" said he, "out upon your gaping and glaring, for I had as well spoken of the Sea-Serpent."
"Why," said I, "had you done so, I had been as near taking you seriously, seeing one mythological Monster is as likely a Thing as another."
"Selecting a stout oaken plant."
But perceiving that it was the Humour of this Fellow that I should attend him, I set out with him; yet not without first selecting a stout oaken Plant in the Case this Creature should prove of a dangerous or ferocious Disposition; being, if not fidens animi, at least in utrumque paratus; either certæ occumbere morti, or to safely "contrive this very Thing"—to wit, the Unearthing of this strange Monster.
I was still casting about in my Mind what Manner of Pleasantry my Friend would be making with me; for in no Wise had I ever Conceived that a Being so outrageous as your Comic Artist might in Truth exist in the Flesh, being contrary to that proper Orderliness of Things that Nature is ever for observing in her Works.
I had indeed observed at Times a certain perverse Kind of Illustrations that kept Company with Words of a Sort of problematical Humour and inconsiderable Trifling; yet I had been of a Persuasion that this Kind of Art was but an unintentional Lapse of the Draughtsman from the correct Delineation that he would be making.
"And rapped upon a grimy door."
Judge then of my Surprise when my Acquaintance solemnly assured me that he did but speak in very Seriousness, and that we should presently stand in the Presence of the Creature above-mentioned; at which I made much Haste to tuck up the Skirts of my Coat and to prepare myself how best I might for this Encounter; "for," thought I, "if this be truly no actual strange Beast like to set upon us savagely, yet at the least it must be some Outcast which it were well not to touch!"
We now mounted several Flights of creaky Stairs and rapped upon a grimy Door, whereat I had like to turn Tail and run away, had not my Friend detained me; and, the Door being at this Time thrown open, I was for the Moment reassured at perceiving within no more terrible Being than a Person of most ordinary Aspect; and, on my asking with some Trepidation at what Moment we might look for the Comic Artist, I was told that this was he; whereon I was mightily comforted.
I was now plunged in a great Amazement by my Reflections, among these being how this curious Creature should possess the Means of a Subsistence, seeing that as it was not to be lightly credited that any should pay him Wages for his Trick of Buffoonery, neither was it to be expected that he should be of an Aspect like to an ordinary Person, nor eat the same Food; while here he was smoking a Pipe, and that in so ordinary a Manner that none might distinguish him from a Human Being!
"One of the most promising infants."
"I would have you know," said he, "that I am possessed by a most huge Desire for the Advancement and Improving of the great Art of which I am an unworthy Practiser; insomuch that, to this End, I have matured a most notable Scheme for an Academy of Comic Art, which I do not" (he added modestly) "propose shall take Precedence over our present Royal Academy, but shall work Side by Side with it upon a Basis of Equality. Among the chiefest Elements of my Academy" (he continued) "there should be a Comic Art Training School (being an Institution which I have touched upon in a recent Article upon this Subject). You must know that this School would be for the right Training as well of the Public, as also of the Artists and their Models, to the End that each Class might be fitted for the nice Conduct and Understanding of this great Art.
"Let us consider, then, the Department for the supply of Comic Models, seeing these are a Thing most urgently needed yet by no means to be obtained at this Time; for Models are now, by reason of long Neglect, got into a Way of possessing serious and natural Outlines and an Aspect wanting in those humorous Departures from the natural Construction of the Human Frame which, though indeed in Accordance with serious Draughtsmanship, are ever at Variance with the true Principle and Instinct of Comic Art.
"Let us consider first," he continued, "my training School for Models; for is it not, alas! owing to the Want of these that our Art is presently in so decayed a Condition? I would be choosing my Models from among the most promising Infants that could be hit upon, that is to say, that promised to be of a humorous Aspect; and, by the means of a most ingenious Machinery of my own inventing, I would so encourage in their Persons those Efforts towards Humour which Dame Nature would be for making, as to fit them the more completely to carry out her Intentions. For I hold that, as Nature is often inclined toward a genial Humour and Pleasantry intended for the Delight and Comfort of Mankind; so are her efforts most sadly thwarted by a perverse striving in all Men after a Regularity and Normality of Form which was never intended.
"Please, sir, here's the model come."
"Therefore, finding an Infant of a notable development of Nose, I would, by the Use of augmentative Ointments, developing Moulds, and other cunning Inventions contrived by myself, so foster the first Effort of Nature that the Infant should, on arriving at Maturity, possess an Organ of a Size equal to its Head, or even of its whole Body. Picture to yourself how well-fitted such a Being would be, as well to fulfil the Requirements of the Comic Artist, as to minister to the Amusement, and therefore greater Happiness, of the Public!
"In Time," he proceeded, "and after a few Generations, my Academy would possess, by reason of this Treatment, a Staff of Models of the most humorous Aspect; some having Heads an hundred times as large as their Trunks (such as are seen in Pantomimes); and some being quite Flat, like a Sheet of Paper; while others would have developed most comical Tails, Web-Feet, Ears that resembled Wings, and many other most humorous Appendages.
Felis Leo Heraldicus in his native jungle.
"Nor would I confine my Attentions to the human Frame; for, even as Nature has purposed that a certain Vein of genial Pleasantry shall run through all her Works, equally I would strive to assist her in this her Intent by the extending of my Scheme to the Beasts, Birds, and Fishes, and to Landscape; so that I would have most laughable Lions and Griffins, having Tails that should develop into Scrolls and fantastic Leaves, such as are presently limned by the Heralds' College; which indeed is, in a fashion, a School of Comic Art itself, save that it does not go far enough in its carrying out of Nature's Plan.
"I am in truth of an earnest Opinion that a Menagerie filled with such Beasts as I have suggested would infuse into the Public a very intense overpowering Interest; even as it would in like Wise help in the restoring of that national Merriment and Hilarity which have been undermined and destroyed by long Continuance of our dismal Climate.
"As touching that Department of my Academy which should deal with the Education of the Public in the true Appreciation of Humour, I am of a very hopeful Persuasion, in that I hold it but necessary to shut them out from all Sight and Knowledge of our aforesaid dismal Climate, at the same time bringing them in familiar Contact with the Productions of our School, to bring about the desired End."
The comic model sitting.
Having finished in his addressing to us this Discourse, the worthy Man was at some Pains to persuade us to drop a few Coppers into an old Hat which he kept by him for the Reception of Subscriptions towards the Cost of starting his projected Scheme; whereat we, being in too great Haste to plead a sudden Engagement elsewhere, and making hurriedly for the Stairs, by great good Fortune escaped a headlong Tumble, and so pell-mell into the Street.
I fell, in my Walk Home, into a profound exhaustive Speculation upon the Scheme of this ingenious Fellow; in the Outcome of which I became of a most pronounced Conviction that great Detriment would accrue to the Nation if it should be carried out; for it seemed to me that the Appreciation of Humour must involve so huge and radical a Change in the mental Constitution of my Countrymen as would be like to seriously endanger the Stability of the Constitution.
The comic model, his son, and dog trudging to work.
With a Purpose of establishing or rectifying this my Surmise for the satisfying of myself, I presently propounded to a Fellow-Countrymen that happened to pass by the following Queries:—
"Do you perceive the Humour of rendering Necessaries more costly by means of Strikes?—the subtile Absurdity of being at so great Pains to provide a healthy Atmosphere for those that make chaotic Laws at St. Stephen's, while suffocating and freezing the Judges that try to decipher them in the High Courts?—the Mirth-provoking Pleasantry of permitting Billingsgate to deprive London of Fish?—the Grotesque Insanity of our wild Rush of Juggernaut Fire-Engines through crowded Streets?—the hilarious Jocosity of a Coinage with its Values unindicated upon it?—in short, the Comicality of most of your Institutions?"
When I had made an End, the Fellow-Countryman fell to shaking his Head hopelessly; by Reason of which I am most firmly convinced that I need have no Manner of Misgiving on the Score of the great Change I have alluded to; seeing that the Change is too great to be anyway brought about.
With which most comforting Reflection I shall beg Leave to close the present Speculation.
"Do you perceive the humour?" 
PORTRAIT SIGNATURES. 
Photographer (fresh from the far West): "My reputation is at stake. Just look pleasant, or———."
"What is inside, mother?""Wind, my son, wind!"
He thinks he has got the cow.An hour after: he thinks the cow has got him.