The Strand Magazine/Volume 2/Issue 12/TQS
The Queer Side of Things.
"Umbrellam viridem canis nigri amici mei habes."—Works of Grammarian.
EEING that an economical Mind is by some held to be of all Things the most admirable, and by others the most insupportable; I am well pleased to cast this present Discourse among my Fellow Creatures as an Apple of Discord which shall afford them Matter for Dispute and haply for Fisticuffs in the approaching Festive Season.
My Friend, Peter Clutchpenny, a most worthy Soul, but lately acquainted me that he was a Member of a Club that called itself the Economical Club: "For," says he, "it is composed of Persons of Sense and Calculation that would be curtailing the excessive Expenditure in Sustenance and other Necessaries at this Time prevalent."
With this the good Man, without more Ado, would hear of Nothing but carrying me with him to pass away Christmas with his Club, which, said he, had resolved to make their seasonable Festivities a Monument of Economy for the Admiration of Humanity.
I was for excusing myself, having my Eye upon a fat Goose and some prime Hog-puddings that were exposed by an honest Poulterer hard by, besides a right Plum-Porridge that was promised me by my friend Sir Ogre, by reason of the Delight that had taken him at the reading of my recent Discourse about him; but Peter made great Haste to propound to me the following Enigma:—
"Having my eye upon a fat goose."
"Let me give you to know," says he, "that that while we do indeed consume most homely Fare, yet we are by no Means in the Knowledge of it; but are of a settled Conviction that all the finest Delicacies of the Earth are spread before us: and while we are taking in Nothing but what is of a simple and digestible Nature, we are still convinced that we are most festively laying in a notable Store of Distempers and Indispositions. We will, I warrant you, devour cold Porridge with the Demeanour of a very Epicurus, and toss you down a Thimblefull of cold Water with all the enjoyment of Silenus himself. And you must know that we are able to pursue this Plan (which, by saving no less the Digestion than the Purse, while putting a Man in the Conviction that he is indulging in most ill-advised Excesses, must needs prove of a very abiding Comfort to Mankind) by the means of a surprising Art or Science, but lately come to Light."
When he had made an End of speaking, I was full of a huge Inclination to come at the Interpretation of this curious Enigma; insomuch that I could in no wise abstain from letting this fellow have his Humour, and agreed to wait upon him at the Sign of the "Moor with Three Heads," where his Club 
"I had secretly provided myself with the fat goose and the hog-puddings."
held its Sittings. On the Evening appointed, being Christmas, I did not fail to present myself at the Place; but with a certain mistrust of myself, how I might keep myself from Flight on being presented with such simple Fare; to the which End I had secretly provided myself with the fat Goose and the Hog-puddings, which I had caused to be cunningly divided into such small Portions as I might conveniently dispose in my Pockets, and consume unobserved.
"A gentleman of colour."
I found the Members of the Club to be all Persons of a discreet Age, and of a practical Turn of Mind; among them being several Spinsters. We had no sooner seated ourselves at Table but there entered a Gentleman of Colour, whom I at once recognised for a Moor; for, I would have my Reader to know, for his Instruction, that all Men that are not white are Moors; for, as there are Moors in Central Africa and in the Islands of the Southern Seas, no less are the People Moors that inhabit Japan, the East and West Indies, South America, and Malaya. These all wear Turbans and Scimitars, and are beautified with circular black Eyes and gold Chains. My Friend now whispered me in the Ear that this Gentleman was an East Indian Moor, or, as they are called, Hindoo; and that it was he that would presently be putting them in the Belief that they were feasting sumptuously; all which I by no means understood.
At this time the Moorish, or Hindoo, Gentleman seated himself at the Head of the Table, and made certain curious Wavings of his Hands toward the Company; and, there being presently served a cold Repast of Bread, Potatoes, Porridge, and Water—at which I could not repress a Shudder—they all fell to with a huge Enjoyment, expressing at the same time great Satisfaction at the Delicacy, Variety, and Richness of the Viands, and this with much Smacking of the Lips, and Sucking of the Fingers, as is the Mode in all good Society; especially among the Tartars, who are the Moors inhabiting some Parts of the Continent of Asia.
"I do pray you make but a trial of this venison pasty."
"I do pray you make but a Trial of this Venison Pasty," says a Gentleman, passing a dry Crust to the good Lady that sat by him; "for I vow it is of all Delicacies the most to be praised!"
"It hath indeed a very excellent palatable Flavour," cries she in an Ecstasy, "and bespeaks a Cook of no small Parts in his Calling." "This Claret is of a notable rare Vintage!" cries a Third; and in such Wise the Rest of them; insomuch that I must needs stuff my Handkerchief in my Mouth to keep myself from laughing lustily. Then the whole Company were for pressing these Delicacies upon me, till I had like to be hidden behind a Pile of dry Crusts and Porridge, which I would fain have let be; but they would have Nothing but that I should fall to and consume them; whereat I contrived with great Adroitness to pass most of the Mass beneath the Table, and so set Matters straight.
After that the Company fell to admiring the choice Plants which they would have it ornamented the Centre of the Table; but, for the Life of me, I could swear there was no single Plant there, nor any Flower nor Fruit either; nor was my Friend Peter of a different Persuasion from the Rest of them, vowing roundly that in his Life he had never seen finer Roses; and presently made as if taking up one of them and presenting it to a Spinster that sat at his Right, at which she smirked in a gratified Way.
The Repast being finished, the whole Company were taken with a huge Admiration of the Panelling and Decoration of the fine Ancestral Hall in which they sat; and this for all that it was among the barest whitewashed Rooms that I have set Eyes on, and of a very comfortless Aspect: and then what should they be at but all draw their Chairs toward a portion of Wall as flat and bare as any of it, being (as I gleaned) of a fixed Persuasion that there was a great Fireplace with a mighty comforting Fire of blazing Faggots therein!
"Admiring the Christmas decorations."
At this time Peter would have me come with him into another Apartment that we might smoke a Pipe together, and as we passed out I overheard some of the Company admiring the Christmas Decorations of Holly and Ivy Boughs, and Wreaths; of which, nevertheless, I would have been sworn there was not so much as a Vestige about!
No sooner were we come into the other Apartment but I cried out roundly on my Friend about this outrageous Pleasantry that he and the Others would be putting upon me; whereat he was mightily diverted at my Perverseness in denying the Existence of the Delicacies, and the Elegance of the Surroundings.
"For I would have you know," said he with some Warmth, "that we are here in a most venerable Country Mansion that was erected by our Ancestors Centuries ago; and I am persuaded that you must be gone clean out of your Senses that you cannot perceive these Suits of their Armour on every side, nor cannot admire the most sumptuous Repast that has been spread before you!" And with this he fell puffing angrily at a long Pipe that in no way existed.
"He fell puffing angrily."
I now perceived the Moorish Gentleman from Hindustan approach me, and wave his hands before me; whereupon I suddenly awoke to my previous Blindness and Lack of Perception, seeing that I now became aware of the very Truth of all that my Friend had averred; for as there stood indeed the Suits of Armour on all Hands, so there were also the panelled Walls and the Christmas Decorations.
That I might be assured I was not taken with Dreams nor any Trick of the Imagination, I straightway went into the Dining Hall; whereon I now perceived with no little Surprise that the great Fire was in fact blazing there, and this without a Possibility of Doubt; also that the Company were dressed with great elegance; moreover all else was as the Company had said.
"Punch"
The Moorish Hindoo now carried in a great Bowl of steaming Punch, to which we betook ourselves heartily, the while the Spinsters and some of the Gentlemen played a very pleasing Game of Blind Man's Buff; after that a Country Dance, in which we all joined; and then again to the Punch and mulled Ale, to which some of us applied ourselves with so great good Will that it was with no little Difficulty we compassed the arriving at the outer Door at some three of the Clock in the Morning.
But no sooner were we come into the Street, but Peter and I were as sober as any Judge; whereat I was overcome with a great Surprise and Marvelling what all this might mean; and Peter, who perceived what was exercising my Mind, made so knowing a Grimace upon me that I was but the more confounded.
"Made so knowing a grimace upon me."
"Now," says he, with a great Enjoyment of himself, "I will be solving you this Enigma that methinks sits too heavily on your Brain, You must know then, for the Truth's Sake, that you have had no delicate Meats, nor any Punch; but have indeed fared most wholesomely and economically upon plain Food, to the great sparing of your Digestion and the Avoidance of evil Humours; seeing all this Festivity has been but a Phantasy brought about by a new Science called Hypnotism. This Hindoo," he continued, "is none other than a most skilled and accomplished Juggler that came under our Notice by the means of a Narration in the Daily Paper: in the which it was set forth that a certain Traveller, having with him a Kodac, came haply upon a Hindoo Juggler that was engaged in causing a Tree to grow from Nothing under the Eyes of a Circle of Spectators; whereon the Traveller took the occasion to make a Photograph of the Scene, and was thereafter mightily astonished at finding that, for all the Photograph indeed reproduced the Spectators and the Juggler, yet it in no wise gave any trace of the Tree.
"From this Circumstance it was concluded that this Juggler must needs have put upon the whole Company an Hypnotic Influence, to the end they should imagine the Tree; whereupon certain of us would have Nothing but that We should form ourselves into an Economical Club, and invite this Performer to put upon us his Hypnotism; and with how great Success and Benefit I shall leave you to judge."
The more I reflected on these Circumstances and my Friend's Discourse, the more I was of a settled Persuasion of the Benefits of this System, for truly, in the reckoning up of it, the Balance is most hugely on the Side of the Plan:—
| £ | s. | d. | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Item: to one Banquet for twenty with Wine, Strong Waters, and other Sundries | 35 | 4 | 934 |
| Item: to Inconvenience of ten male Headaches and twenty assorted Indigestions and Dyspepsias, together with all Apothecaries' Bills, &c. | 43 | 17 | 8 |
| Item: other resultant Evils | 10 | 1 | 2 |
| 89 | 3 | 734 | |
| Contra: | |||
| Item: to Hire of one Juggler | 10 | 0 | 0 |
| Balance to Credit of New Plan | 79 | 3 | 734 |
I will but recommend the above to my Readers' intelligent Consideration and Digestion, for the great Benefitting of the latter; and close this Speculation with wishing them a Merry Christmastide, which, by the following of the New Plan, they will nowise fail to secure. J. F. Sullivan. 
A prize family.
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Jenkinson and their children, of Lathom, Ormskirk, who gained the prize offered by Tit-Bits to the reader who had the largest number of children still living.
After the christmas pudding.
Doctor Squills: "Next!"
 2 A.M. A ghost story. |
 Enter ghost: "When are you coming to bed, dear?" |
